


Cold Winter, New York

by CarburetorCastiel



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bucky has a cat, Bucky is a Princess at Heart, Cuffing, Cuffing for the Holidays, Cuffing season, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Femme Presenting Bucky, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Holidays, M/M, Mentions of Orphan Steve, Mentions of Violence or Abuse (Very Mild or Implied), Potential Queerphobia (Mentioned Mildly or Internally), Protective Steve Rogers, Smut, Sort Of, Steve is a Lorge Babe, Stucky - Freeform, Stucky AU Big Bang 2018, Winter Cuffing, versatile stucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-23 00:46:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 104,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarburetorCastiel/pseuds/CarburetorCastiel
Summary: The holidays were coming up. And that meant the chill of winter was drifting over the city. Bucky was just as lonely as ever when he thought that he might try that ‘cuffing’ thing people do for the season. He didn’t get out much besides his boring office job so, his sights were set on his handsome co-worker Steve.Or: They make a cuffing agreement from right before Thanksgiving to right before Valentine’s. Steve is a big uncertain babe with a penchant for working out and new attempts to learn to be himself. Bucky is a small but passionate guy who embraces his femininity and is proud of who he is. Also, Bucky has a cat who hides a lot.(Part of the Stucky AU Big Bang 2018 -- Accompanied with art by FannishLove and Lisa Mott.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stucky1980](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stucky1980/gifts), [fannishlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannishlove/gifts), [babydollbucky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydollbucky/gifts).



> Happy Valentine's Day 2019, Everybody! May it be full of Stucky Love!
> 
> This fic is part of the [Stucky AU Big Bang 2018](https://stuckyaubang.tumblr.com/). Art for the story was done by FannishLove and Lisa Mott. All of their beautiful art can be found compiled in [Chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543) or on their respective pages below.
> 
> Find FannishLove on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/fannishlove/), [Tumblr](http://fannishlove.tumblr.com/), [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannishlove), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shinzz1), and [DreamWidth](http://fannishlove.dreamwidth.org/).
> 
> Find Lisa Mott on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lisamott09/), [Tumblr](https://lisamott9.tumblr.com/), [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stucky1980),and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lisa_m_9).
> 
> This work was outlined and plotted out by me (CarburetorCastiel) and G. Written into novel format and edited by me (CarburetorCastiel). Posted here with G's permission (G does not have an AO3 at this time.)  
> Find me on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/king_wintershield/), [Tumblr Main](https://friend-lover-janitor.tumblr.com/), [Tumblr Marvel](https://king-wintershield.tumblr.com/), [Ko-Fi](https://ko-fi.com/hclake), [DeviantArt](https://www.deviantart.com/kingwintershield), and on Kik at bebebucky. 
> 
> My beta-reader was BabyDollBucky. Find her on [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydollbucky) and [Tumblr](https://babydollbucky.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Special thanks to [SpaceShipDear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceshipdear) for helping to translate certain passages into French.
> 
> I also created a playlist for the fic that he can found [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7T1SCbc-LbiUi3iIynk2ebL2CXZoqpM6).

The low humming drone of the copy machine kept on as Steve set another stack of papers into the tray. He had already been standing there for about five minutes with plenty to get through. There was no one else in the room with him but Bucky, who was standing a few feet away with a much smaller stack of papers. 

They were both quiet except for Steve tapping his finger on the side of the machine while he waited, his eyes transfixed on each new warm sheet of paper that came through. He was just zoning out. There wasn’t much brain power that went into this so, he was able to have a few minutes to himself to just stand and stare at nothing and let his mind go blank.

Bucky, however, was alert and over-thinking and laser-focused on Steve. He had always thought Steve was beyond gorgeous and a little extra cheekily handsome with his smiles that always seemed to know something that nobody else did. Bucky also really loved to talk to Steve and hang out with him at work during lunch. They had a good rapport. Bucky would even go so far as to say they were work buddies now.

But, today, he couldn’t keep himself from wondering about Steve. Maybe it was just because it was getting colder outside and the holidays were coming up and Bucky didn’t have a boyfriend. And, man, did he want a boyfriend so badly. But he just kept wanting to see about Steve – figure him out, figure out what he was into.

He had never been quiet about his sexuality at work, or anywhere for that matter. Bucky was the one in the office who had a chart of the LGBT flags in his desk cubicle. He also had things like the ‘genderbread man’ and the types of attractions chart. He also only liked to use pink ink pens – mostly because he loved how pink looked and it made his notes and memos pop over everyone else’s.

Bucky made it pretty clear that he was queer and proud. So, he figured Steve had to have known he wasn’t straight. Bucky had mentioned things around him before or talked briefly about past boyfriends. Anyone Steve had talked about had always been presented in a very gender-neutral sort of way. So, Bucky had no clue about Steve. Was he straight? Was he queer? Did he even know yet? Was he just polite but was actually queerphobic? It was a mystery, really. But Bucky had a strong gut feeling that he was at least sort of queer. Maybe.

Bucky cocked his head to the side a little, his hair slipping over his shoulder gently. He was just going to ask. That was better than snooping and speculating anyway. “So... hey... uh, Steve. Are you seeing anyone at the moment?”

“Uh, not really?” Steve answered as he pulled himself from his mesmerized state with the copier. He turned to look down at Bucky, who was a good bit shorter than him, and added, “I mean, there was that date a couple weeks ago. But that didn’t really...” He trailed off and looked down at the ground for the moment and shrugged. The date had absolutely sucked.

Bucky blinked and then stood up straighter. Sometimes he was like a vulture – in the very best way possible. “So, you’re single? And free? And not like... crazy?” he asked, trying not to sound like he was eager for the answer for any particular reason. “And you shower regularly and stuff?” He wasn’t aware that he was hardly giving Steve a second to breathe or process all his questions at once.

“We see each other enough that you know I shower regularly.” Steve thought the questions were a little awkward and out of the blue. But, he also thought that Bucky was so cute that it sort of minimized how flustered he was feeling at the moment. “I’m single.” He also really hoped Bucky knew he wasn’t crazy or anything. They spent enough time together at work that he thought that would be easy to spot. Although, maybe Bucky was just being wary of potentially dangerous men. Steve understood that entirely.

Steve liked Bucky a lot, too. He thought he was interesting and exciting and kind. There was always some sort of story on Bucky’s lips to share during lunch and it was never anything dull. Bucky could have the entire breakroom cracking up laughing because of some little anecdote that had his signature spin.

Bucky took in the information and leaned back against the table by the copier. He was trying to let some of his flirtatiousness come through with his stance and the way he was looking at Steve while also trying his best not to be at all creepy. That would send the total wrong message and he didn’t want that. “You, uh, do you do anything for the holidays really? My family all lives far away so I only go see them for like three days in December and that’s it.”

“I watch Christmas movies on Netflix, mostly,” Steve said. He relaxed a bit too and even allowed himself to look at Bucky’s hair for a moment. It was always so neat and beautiful and fluffy. He knew Bucky put a lot of care into it. And it really was amazing hair. It was long enough so it landed softly on his shoulders but Bucky wasn’t done growing it. There was also the lightest bit of ombre blonde near the ends that was so subtle it was hard to tell it was even there let alone if it was intentional or not. Steve liked how gentle the coloring of his hair was. Also, today there was a little purple hair clip holding back some of his bangs so they weren’t in his face. He also saw that Bucky had on a sweater again today. He always seemed to be in dark pants and a button down or sweater. He never wore suits.

“For like two months?” Bucky sassed back and shook his head. “You don’t go see your family or anything?”

Steve nodded and gave him a little smile. That cryptic smile. “I’m kind of running short on extended family. So, I’m by myself for those two months of movies.” He didn’t look sad. It was just a fact. It was... just him. He did, however, really want to know what Bucky was getting at because this didn’t seem like Bucky’s normal small talk.

Steve’s response kind of surprised Bucky too. Not that Steve had ever really talked about his family before, but Bucky just assumed he had somebody somewhere. But now he was getting the feeling that they had passed. But he wasn’t sure and he wasn’t going to ask. “Right, right...” he mused softly, thinking things over to himself before asking, “So, you want to maybe go get some food after work? Or a drink?” He had an idea. But he couldn’t just blurt it out in the middle of work. That would be definitely uncool.

There was a pause for a moment. Steve was trying to decide if Bucky was asking him on a date or if he just wanted to hang out. Either way, Steve did like being in his company so it would probably be good no matter what. “Sure. We can get food? I don’t drink.” He did drink, just not very frequently and usually for some sort of purpose or occasion.

“Yes. Of course. Whatever you want.” Bucky beamed up at Steve and nodded. “Um, there’s a café a few blocks down. We can go once we’re done here?” Bucky needed to calm down. They still had three hours left of work.

Steve blushed pink and couldn’t think of any words for a second. Bucky was just so damn cute sometimes. “Okay. Sounds good.”

“Cool. Good. Later, Rogers.” Bucky held his papers close to his chest and strode back out to his desk, forgetting to make copies entirely. He just kept telling himself to keep it cool. He was feeling like a teenager right now with shy embarrassed glances and tentative questions. There was something about Steve that got to him sometimes.

-

Between then and the end of the day, Steve got a little antsy. He was questioning what this was – a date-date or a friend-date. And he was questioning whether he should ask beforehand or just see how it played out. He also kept walking to the shredder every couple minutes or so. If he had just one paper? Shredder. Someone brought him something confidential to scan first? Then shredder. He had a measly post-it note with a nervous doodle? Going to walk all the way to the shredder. It was more or less a coincidence that Bucky’s desk was very near to it. He wanted to pace a little bit to get his nerves out but he also wanted to look at Bucky and also try to decide to ask him about tonight again or not.

Bucky, to his credit, tried to ignore Steve when he walked by every time. He did need to do some word, after all. But after a while of this, Bucky couldn’t ignore it anymore. “You know, Rogers, you can just stack them all in your bin and take them over at once.”

“Shredding this way is a time suck. I don’t really have that much to do for the next few hours,” Steve said. It was true. He didn’t have much to do today. The pretty man sitting near the shredder was just an added incentive. Actually, the pretty man sitting near the shredder was the main incentive. “I don’t want to sit at my desk playing solitaire the whole time.”

Bucky scoffed like he was jokingly offended. “Just because your department has this quarter all wrapped up doesn’t mean you should gloat around accounting for being behind.” He pointed across the room. “But, if you need something to do, Michelle is working on organizing the supply room. So, you could go help if you wanted.”

“Ah, yes. Keeping track of all different sized paper clips and making sure they’re in the right drawer.” Steve sort of felt like he wanted to now show Bucky that he could be funny. Not that he hadn’t joked around with him before, but now he wanted to make a point to be intriguing.

And, at least this time, it worked, because Bucky grinned and shook his head. Bucky thought Steve was a total cutie and he definitely liked him a lot, even if he wasn’t yet sure in what sort of way. “Well, there is some stock paper and staples in there. And don’t you forget about the pens.”

“Bucky Barnes: Pen Enthusiast. The man who brings his pens from home – who reminds me not to forget about the pens.”

That was also true. Bucky did have a whole drawer full of different types of pens. He had a lot of gel pens and glitter pens and ones that had a smooth glide. What Bucky wouldn’t do for a pen with a smooth glide. And all his pens were colorful, a lot were pink. “Yeah, well, corporate provides us with the shittiest, cheapest pens and I hate them. Also, I like having some bright color pens in my day. And no one ever has these pink pens I like - even in stores. I have to special order them in bulk.”

Steve nodded as he listened and crossed his arms. “You know, I don’t think I have ever seen you write with a normal black ink pen.”

“Yes, well, only Johnson makes me give him notes in black ink. He says the pink is hard to read.” Bucky shrugged and focused back on his computer. “Anyway, I need to concentrate at least a little bit more today. Unlike you, I work hard.” Glancing over at Steve, he shot him another grin so he knew he was just messing with him and he wasn’t annoyed with him coming over to his desk.

It was hard for Steve not to blush at that. Bucky had a really lovely smile and Steve liked holding his attention. “I’ll let you roll up your sleeves and get stuff done,” he promised and then shredded the one paper he had before turning to walk back to his desk.

-

It was snowing outside by the time they got to the café. The temperature was plenty cold, but it was still too early in November for the snow to have much chance of sticking for long. However, it did make for a pleasant backdrop for them as they sat down with their food and coffee to talk.

Steve was still nervous and curious – that hadn’t let up all afternoon. He was still unsure what this was, exactly. Maybe Bucky wanted this to be a real date. Maybe he just wanted to grab some food with a friend. Maybe he was going to ask him to join a cult. Steve didn’t know yet.

Bucky took a sip of his warm drink and held it tightly in his hands. He was so cold and even his giant scarf and matching hat and gloves set wasn’t cutting it. His cheeks were rosy and he was trying to hold his teeth clenched so they would stop chattering. Regardless of the cold, he absolutely loved autumn and winter. Most of his best outfits were seasonal for this time. After a minute or two, he was warm enough to unwrap himself from his cocoon and pay attention to Steve again.

“Have you lived in New York your whole life?” Bucky asked. He decided to start with some more small-talk types of questions. He was also invested in his pu-erh tea and little vanilla scone. The cups had amazing floral designs all around the ceramic and drinking from them always made him feel fancy.

For some reason, Steve felt so bashful around Bucky right now. It was like this wasn’t someone he had been talking to every day at work for a year. It shouldn’t have been so hard to talk to him now. It was just Bucky. Just Bucky. Just Bucky, but in a brand-new location from work. “I, uh, yeah. Brooklyn,” Steve said shortly. Words were so hard for him just then.

“Cool. Good. Yeah,” Bucky added and then immediately kicked himself for being awkward and uncertain too. After all, this was his idea. He wanted to go have an outing with Steve. “Which neighborhood are you? I’m in Crown Heights. I thought I heard someone say you were in Flatbush?”

Steve blinked in surprise. He did live in Flatbush. “Are you keeping tabs on me?” he asked, mostly joking, but partially wondering if Bucky was doing just that and this was a horrible mistake.

“No, no. God, that must have sounded really bad. No, I’m not keeping tabs on you. But Marjorie is a major gossip.” Bucky shrugged like Steve should know that Marjorie knew everything about everyone at work.

“Good to know. I will stop telling her my deep dark personal secrets then,” Steve mused. He looked at Bucky more and drank some coffee. Bucky felt like such an untouchable sort of person to him. Like he was just so out of his league. Maybe it was the hair.

Bucky returned Steve’s looks with the softest of smiles. “That’s probably smart. Can’t give her too much to work with,” he said. He got lost watching Steve’s eyelashes while he blinked. They were so charming. But then he got himself back on task. “Hey, so...” He paused again. It was hard to determine how was best to ask what he wanted to ask. “So, the holidays are close...”

“Are you trying to sell me something?” Steve hoped some humor would lighten the bit of butterflies that they were both feeling in the conversation.

Bucky considered for a moment. He kind of was trying to sell him something, in a way. But definitely not how Steve might think. “Well, it’s just that this time of year can get so lonely, you know? And I don’t know about you, but I hate sitting on my couch alone watching the news until I fall asleep.”

Now Steve was even more confused. He wasn’t sure what any of this was about. Bucky did seem to have a point but he was just taking his time in getting there. Steve just stayed quiet and gestured slowly with his hand for Bucky to go on.

Bucky had expected some sort of response so he gave it a few more seconds. But it was too long of a wait and then it felt awkward again. He cleared his throat and readjusted in his chair. “Okay, uh. Okay, have you heard of...” He shifted more and cleared his throat once again. “Something called ‘cuffing’?”

Steve’s mouth parted and his eyebrows came down together. He did know what cuffing was. At least, he understood the general concept but maybe not the specifics. It was when two people decided to be together physically or romantically for the winter months to avoid loneliness. Then it stopped so there were no commitment issues. He just didn’t understand why Bucky was asking him of all people. Bucky was way too good for him. Well, that’s how he felt about it, anyway. It was just hard to believe. “You want to be cuffed up with me?” Even saying it sounded utterly ridiculous.

Bucky immediately retreated. “Shit. Sorry. This was a bad idea. Sorry, Rogers,” he said hurriedly, embarrassment flooding over him like a bucket of cold water. “I just thought, you know, I’m cute and you’re cute and we are both single and stuff. But it was presumptuous of me to assume you were lonely like I am or to assume you weren’t straight either or anything.” He was flailing in this conversation.

“No. It’s not a bad idea,” Steve countered and moved his hand over the table with the palm up. He wanted Bucky to calm down. “I’m just surprised that you’re single, first of all.” It was shocking that Bucky didn’t have another option. Bucky was a catch and undeniably adorable. He didn’t get it. He also didn’t get that Bucky thought he was cute, but he certainly liked it.

“Yeah, well, as you can tell. I’m kind of an annoyance.” He gave Steve a light-hearted little smile and took his hand slowly. He put his fingers in his palm cautiously for a moment and then slipped the rest over to hold on to him. “I mean. I know it’s a little odd. And I get it if you don’t want to – especially since we work together.”

First thing first, Steve wanted to make sure Bucky knew he wasn’t bothering him at all. “You’re not annoying.” He looked out the window for a moment and then back again. “This is a little odd, but... I am interested.”

“You’re interested?” Bucky asked hurriedly, just to try to clarify that he had actually heard him right. “Okay. Good. You’re interested.” He was flustered for a few moments, somewhat surprised that this was working out already. Part of him had figured Steve would think he was being creepy and desperate. He shook his head and then decided it was best to get down to brass tacks with details. “So, I mean. It’s usually like November to February-ish. Although, I’ve never done this so I don’t know for sure. But I know people who have. It’s only supposed to be a seasonal thing. And then it’s done. No, like, big commitments or anything like that. No stress. You know? Just cuddling and hanging out and not being alone and eating food and watching dumb holiday movies and going ice skating. Some people stick to the more platonic side of things. Other people add some romance and sex...”

Bucky trailed off and folded his cold hands together. Steve could tell he was waiting for some sort of confirmation from him. He also figured that Bucky didn’t want to come right out and say exactly what he wanted from this yet. “Do you want to be more... platonic?” he asked, starting with the baseline to get a feel for what this was going to be. He wasn’t sure what Bucky had in mind.

Being strictly platonic didn’t sound so bad. That still involved cuddling and hanging out, at least. But Bucky really did know himself and he knew he always got twice as randy in the winter because there wasn’t really anything else to do and he was always cold. So, yes, he wanted sex to be part of it.

“Um...” Bucky needed to be super honest here. “No. I don’t want the platonic thing. But I mean, it can be more like friends with benefits type stuff? Like not heavy on the romance but sex is part of the equation?” He shook his head again and clenched his teeth. “Or, you know, this might just have been a bad idea because I just kind of sprung this on you and that’s not cool.”

Steve had always been a bit of a natural romantic so he was a little disappointed at the specific mention of keeping it less romantic and more platonic and sexual. But he was also really interested in the prospect of sex with Bucky. That sounded like something he definitely wanted to be a part of. “No, just,” he chuckled softly and added, “I’d be up for that with you.”

“Yeah? Like, which part?” Bucky needed the verbal confirmation that they were on the same page here. “And, I mean, as dumb as it might sound, we might just give things a test-run. We might find out that we are horribly incompatible or something. Or maybe you’ve got some weird fetish that I don’t have.” Another attempt to lighten the mood.

Steve smiled at Bucky and felt a bit of a blush creep in. He liked Bucky a lot so far. “The whole part. I’m into it. Friends with benefits, short-term, killing the winter loneliness. That doesn’t sound half bad.” He was really trying to keep cool and downplay how excited he was about the whole ‘sex with Bucky soon’ aspect of this. “And we can do a trial run. Who knows, maybe I make the worst noises in bed you’ve ever heard.”

“You do, don’t you? I knew it. We should just call this off now,” Bucky joked back and giggled a little. Steve was very cute. And he was funny. He was just altogether very good so far. “So... should we like talk about boundaries and expectations? Things we absolutely don’t want each other doing? For example, I’m really particular about my bed. No shoes or outside clothes on it. Those could be dirty. I don’t eat in bed either.”

Steve got serious once Bucky did and nodded along to show he was really paying attention to this. “Do you not like shoes in your place? Do you just prefer socks? Because, if you do, I’ll be sure to wear matching socks.” He wasn’t even joking. If his socks were on display, they were going to match.

“Shoes are okay. I prefer people to take them off on the mat but I won’t make you unless they are really gross.” He was settling down more now. He was more at ease. And he was glad to see that Steve was listening and being helpful too. That was a good sign. “But I don’t care if your socks match. That’s your choice.”

Steve really didn’t have many preferences about his home. It was always just him and occasionally a friend. He did have some quirks and pet peeves but not nearly as many as Bucky. “I’m finicky about some things. If people are going to see my socks, I would really like them to match. I’m not sure why.”

“Okay. Matching socks then,” Bucky said with a gentle little grin. “Your turn. What’s an expectation you have for this or something?” He was a little bit worked up to get this going now.

“You, uh, had a bit more time to prepare for this than me.” Steve’s eyes were wide but he was still smiling at Bucky like he thought this was the cutest conversation ever.

Bucky shrugged and waved him off. “Yeah, like three hours,” he said but realized that was definitely a head-start on Steve. “Maybe we should just go our separate ways, think things over, and talk tomorrow?”

Steve opened his mouth like he was going to protest for a second. He really was having a good time sitting here with Bucky and staring at his lovely face. But they did have other things to do. “Can I text you?” he asked. It seemed a little silly to ask for permission to text him when they just gave each other permission to have sex together, but better safe than sorry.

“Uh-huh, yeah. Do you have my number?” Most of their co-workers at the office had his number so Bucky guessed Steve did as well. “I don’t mind texts or calls or anything.”

“I have your number,” Steve agreed with a little nod. It looked like Bucky must have forgotten that he texted him a few months ago about the potluck lunch at work.

Tucking some runaway hair behind his ear, Bucky blushed and said, “Okay. Good. Cool... cool.” It wasn’t very smooth at all. “Um... I really hope I didn’t, like, freak you out or anything.”

“You didn’t,” Steve promised. “And, for the record, I think you’re really cute.”

Bucky let a pleased blush slip across his face as he slowly got up from the table. He pulled his coat and scarf back on and then stood there a second just looking at Steve. “I’ll wait for your message.” He smiled again and reached to squeeze Steve’s upper arm for a second. Then he turned and headed out into the cold without saying else, leaving Steve to wonder why Bucky was so mysterious and also so not at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	2. Chapter 2

Once Bucky got home, he stripped out of his work clothes and started a warm bath. He had a small stash of bath bombs, and it took him a long few minutes to decide which one he wanted to use. Eventually, he settled on one that turned the water pink and left little rose petals and glitter on the surface. He also added some bubbles as well to make sure his bath was the absolute best it could be. 

He was feeling really excited at the prospect of getting to be with Steve in at least some capacity. He was relieved it had gone this well so far. Getting into the tub, he set his phone on his little stool so he would be able to grab it if Steve texted him. His laptop was set up with a speaker and he had a lo-fi relaxing playlist going. There was also a bottle of red wine and a glass just waiting for him. 

It didn’t take too long for Steve to message him. Steve had gone to the gym to work out and think about all that he and Bucky had just discussed at the café. After he was all done with his exercise, he decided it was an appropriate time to send him a message. 

[19:58]: Steve Rogers: New Picture Message 

All it was was a post-workout selfie. He was sweaty and hot and his sleeves were cut off close to the shoulders so his arms were out and glistening. There was just a tease of a tattoo showing on his upper arm and shoulder.  

Bucky had no idea what to do with that. Steve was so gorgeous all the time. And it was certainly surprising to just receive a selfie from him. It would have been out of the blue if they hadn’t have just talked earlier. Bucky decided that he should send him one back. But he was in the bathtub. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. 

[20:01]: James Barnes: New Picture Message 

The picture was carefully constructed. He made sure it was only showing his chest and arms as well as his face and wet hair. There were only two of his dumb small tattoos showing – he sort of regretted those ones now. There were bubbles all around him so he wasn’t giving away everything just yet. Something had to be a surprise for later, after all. 

[20:01]: Steve Rogers: cutie 

Being called cute by someone as absolutely killer handsome as Steve was a big deal to Bucky. It was like a punch in the gut but in a good way – in the way that made his body ache and made him want to jump on Steve. But he also literally had no idea what to say to this gym boy who was complimenting him in the tub.  

[20:02]: James Barnes: bubbles suit me. 

[20:02]: Steve Rogers: everything suits you 

[20:03]: James Barnes: look who is suddenly a shameless flirt 

Bucky loved it. He hadn’t had this much attention in a while like this and he loved it. Steve did too. Bucky was so unique, he thought. And he was such a good person too. He was hopeful that they would get closer and get to know each other better. Steve really wanted that. 

[20:04]: Steve Rogers: is that bad? 

[20:06]: James Barnes: Just observing. I'm reserving judgment for now 

He was trying to be oddly diplomatic – demure – like he wasn’t currently naked in the bath with his dick getting a little grumpy for touch the longer he thought about Steve and what they might get up to together and what they might do to each other and feel together. 

[20:07]: Steve Rogers: Do I get a written evaluation at the end of the week? 

[20:07]: Steve Rogers: New Picture Message 

Steve was about to head for the showers so he was now shirtless and looking even more of a mess of sweat. His tattoo on his shoulder was clear now and the floral design looked dark and crisp. He sort of sent the picture as a tester. Bucky had never seen his chest before, of course, and he was hoping that he approved. 

Bucky knew they needed to stop this now. Because he wanted Steve and his body and Steve really couldn’t keep sending these teasers to him like this. 

[20:09]: James Barnes: You thought any more about my proposition? 

[20:09]: James Barnes: I mean all of it. And your thoughts on what you want 

[20:10]: James Barnes: because I'm the one who brought it up. I'm on board. But you should probably just think it through to make sure that it’s okay with you. I mean we will be working together after it’s over too. So I don’t know if that’s okay with you 

Steve wondered why Bucky didn’t comment on what was basically his boob-shot selfie. But he tried not to worry or overanalyze, although that could be difficult for him. And he really hadn’t thought about the fact that once this was over, they would still be working together. But he didn’t care. He didn’t think that should be a reason not to do this. Even if he was bummed for a little afterward, what was the big deal? It was fine. 

[20:14]: Steve Rogers: Yeah, I'm in. And that’s okay. I know we will still work together and ive thought about it already and its totally fine 

[20:14]: James Barnes: Youre in like youre in? Like yes lets do this for sure. All of it? 

[20:15]: James Barnes: I figure we can just sort of start around a few days before thanksgiving and then call it quits around a week before valentines day so there isnt any messy waters there 

[20:18]: James Barnes: so I guess we will just like plan to hang out next week to plan thanksgiving and talk about other necessary things? 

He just really wanted to double, triple check that Steve was seriously sure about this. Bucky knew he was now, but still. It was just a little odd and he needed them both to be entirely in this. 

[20:20]: Steve Rogers: Yeah you can come over if you want 

[20:20]: Steve Rogers: not now. In between then 

Really, Steve wouldn’t have been opposed to Bucky just coming over right now anyway. He wanted him. And he was desperate now, clearly. He wanted more touching, less talking. Bucky’s bathtub selfie did things to him. 

[20:21]: James Barnes: Yeah I was gonna ask 

He was curious if there was an invite for him to just come over now. He wouldn’t mind either. But he was also freshly clean and warm now and going back outside seemed so troublesome. He was a little bit of a lazy baby sometimes. Bucky was excited, but he also wanted to keep himself in check. 

[20:23]: Steve Rogers: Whenever you feel up to it 

[20:23]: Steve Rogers: sorry if that was too enthusiastic 

[20:24]: James Barnes: No. Its probably good that youre enthusiastic. That means thisll probably work out then 

[20:25]: Steve Rogers: Is it appropriate to say thank you for thinking of me? 

[20:27]: Steve Rogers: when you were looking for a cuffing buddy I mean 

[20:27]: James Barnes: I think so 

[20:28]: James Barnes: I didn’t have thoughts to anyone else though 

Steve was the only one. Bucky didn’t really want to ask anyone else at all. Steve made him smile and they had a good time together at work and he was kind and cute. Anyone else Bucky knew was simply not as good as Steve. 

[20:30]: Steve Rogers: Oh? No one else in the office caught your eye? Not kyle the temp? 

[20:30]: James Barnes: The temp picks his nose 

[20:30]: James Barnes: and he’s not funny or very nice to me and he’s not a quarter as cute as you 

[20:32]: Steve Rogers: Still flattered that you chose me 

[20:33]: Steve Rogers: thank you 

- 

The next day at work was Bucky’s own personal brand of hell. He had to see Steve all over the office – across the room, at lunch, coming to the shredder. All of that would normally not be an issue for him at all. He had always welcomed the fact that he got to see Steve and talk to him at work. But now he knew just exactly what he looked like underneath that dumb button-up shirt and tie. He had photographic proof that he had an amazing chest and sick abs and biceps that wouldn’t quit. And it was killing him to see him with a shirt on. It was also killing any and all productivity because he was so damn distracted just watching Steve and seeing how his shirt was too tight in certain areas and it tugged on his muscles when he moved. 

Lunch was a mess for him too. He just spent the entire time staring at Steve’s lips or his chest or his hands. Steve was talking about something to the table at large but Bucky couldn’t say what was the subject. He also kept thinking about the fact that no one else in the whole office knew that they were planning to cuddle and fuck for the next few months. It was pretty hot. 

Steve, on the other hand, was loving this. He could tell that Bucky was hanging off of him today. And he could see just how much he was holding Bucky’s attention over literally anything else. So, he decided for a while to act like nothing was different. He was playing it cool. Making it seem like he had no idea what he was doing to Bucky at all. He only changed his mind on this tactic once they were in a conference room meeting and Bucky was across the way from him. 

Bucky’s eyes were glazed over and he couldn’t hear anything about the presentation because he was occupied with thoughts of Steve’s fine tight ass. He knew he needed to cool it down. He shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff. Their cuffing hadn’t even started yet, that horny bastard. But he just didn’t realize how hard it would be to be around Steve after they decided to do this. Bucky wanted to start now. Like, right now. In the conference room. 

And that’s where Bucky’s mind was when he got a text from Steve that simply read: 

[13:47]: Steve Rogers: Distracted? 

After reading the text, Bucky put his phone into his pocket, totally ignoring it. He wanted Steve to know he couldn’t get to him right now. Bucky was strong. Steve couldn’t do this and win. He was strong, right?  

Bucky, to his credit, pulled himself from his Steve-centric stupor and sat up straight to listen to Johnson talk. He was now on something that was relevant to the accountants so Bucky found it easier to be present during that than some other nonsense. He needed to know what was going on with accounting, after all.  

Steve, however, saw the move with the phone as a challenge for him to try Bucky a little harder. So, he leaned just a little more forward and got much more active with his staring. If anyone else was paying attention to him, they would have been curious why he was so focused on Barnes now. He wanted to win this conference room meeting show-down and he really didn’t need to be listening to Johnson right then anyway. 

And it really worked, too. Bucky was so intensely aware of Steve’s eyes on him. He tucked his hair behind his ears and took off his reading glasses. He cleaned them with the cloth he had in his pocket and then he put them back on to feign reading his memo. He just needed to keep it together. Just read the memo. 

Steve pulled his eyes away then, not wanting to get questions about why he was leering. So, he settled for glancing at Bucky pretty frequently, hoping to get him to look at him once more. And, again, it really worked. Because there was Bucky giving Steve a split-second look over his glasses. 

A split-second look had never truly broken Bucky before but that one certainly did. He wanted him. And all this staring and teasing and tension was driving him wild. He swallowed around the whine in his throat and leaned forward so he could rest his arm up over his face to keep himself from seeing Steve and to keep Steve from seeing him. He was worried that Steve might actually be a little evil. 

Steve leaned all the way back in his chair and faced the front again. He called this a grand victory for himself and he decided to relent and stop goading Bucky for now. He just went back to acting like nothing was different and all was well for the rest of the day. 

It wasn’t until the end of the day that Bucky said anything to him, either. He was waiting until they were alone. He got his opportunity while they were in the elevator heading out of the building. Bucky kept his eyes straight ahead of him and he opened his mouth for a long moment before stating flatly, “You’re a tiny bit mischievous.” He gave him a rolled sort of side-eye and then darted them back ahead. 

Steve raised his eyebrows and blinked like he was confused and offended that Bucky could think such a thing of him. Steve, of all people. Steve, who wears khakis, even on casual Friday. Mischievous? Never. 

“Nothing to say to that?” Bucky asked, not letting Steve get away that easy for making him so damn distracted during the meeting. 

“A tiny bit is a little bit of an underestimation,” Steve admitted with a big grin. He knew he could be at least a little more mischievous than this. 

Bucky moved ever-so-slightly closer to Steve. “So, you’re planning on doing something like that again? I didn’t know it was going to be like this. Maybe I should have thought this out better.” He was kidding, of course. He wouldn’t trade Steve for anything, especially right now. 

“I can’t tell you either way. It would ruin the surprise.” Steve was still testing the waters with this playful side of himself. He wasn’t used to using it with someone like a co-worker. Although, he figured he and Bucky had moved past the co-worker stage now. And Steve could sometimes be this playful, dumb, little flirt, but he was definitely a little nervous that Bucky was so close to him. 

“Alright, well, you have your surprises, I have my surprises,” Bucky said as he ignored the little voice in his head that was asking him what surprises he thought he had - he was an open book. “Also, I don’t think Johnson is going to be very happy that I have no idea what I need to turn in next week.” 

“Do you need my notes?” Steve asked, tilting his head slightly. 

Bucky turned to face him better now. “You didn’t take notes.” He was very aware of their height difference – maybe it was because they were in an elevator. He pulled his shoulders back and tried to stand straighter, like he was showing off that he could be tall and strong too. He could handle Steve. 

“I took notes,” Steve countered incredulously and smiled down at Bucky. He knew what he was doing and he thought it was the cutest thing. Bucky was decidedly not as big as he was. Not that Bucky was too small, but Steve had a significant number of inches on him, both in height and width. 

Bucky folded his arms and cocked his hip out. “Of what?” He didn’t believe him. Steve had been staring at him the whole time, after all. The elevator bell dinged and they both got out and stopped by the welcome desk of the building. 

Steve opened his bag, even though it was currently very neatly organized, and pulled out his notebook. “Notes.” He was staring at Bucky during the meeting but he wasn’t listening to him - his ears were on Johnson. 

Taking the notes carefully, Bucky looked at them for a second, assessing Steve’s work. Steve’s handwriting was messy and he did not write with colorful ink pens. “It’s not pink,” he said like he was attempting to be serious about his disdain for regular ink. 

“But it’s written down. You can’t say the same,” Steve sassed back. “And I’m pretty sure if I wrote with one of your pens someone would say something about it.” 

Bucky shook his head. “I stand by it not being my fault that I have no notes written.” He handed the notebook back to Steve. “This is illegible. I would have to have you read them off to me to make any sense of it.” He was definitely not trying to fish for an invitation to Steve’s place. At least, probably not. 

Steve’s hand brushed Bucky’s when he took the notes back. “I suppose that you want this done before the next time we’re at work. What are you doing right now? I mean, I could read them to you if you have the time.”  

“Are you asking me over?” Bucky asked with a smile. There was no way he just wanted to be reading notes with Steve and then head home. He wanted to do... other things with him. 

Steve nodded and played dumb as he said, “Yeah, I’ll make tea.” He knew what Bucky wanted and he wanted the same. He was mainly trying to keep his cool at the prospect of it all. 

“I like tea. Except for blueberry teas. Why would anyone want to drink blueberries?” Bucky asked as he headed out the door, hoping Steve would just follow right after him. “Although, I guess maybe iced blueberry tea wouldn’t be horrible. Maybe with milk and whipped cream.” 

Steve trailed behind him for about a minute. Bucky always seemed to walk with purpose even if he didn’t necessarily know where he was going. “Are you sure you shouldn’t be following me?” Steve asked and brushed his hand over Bucky’s shoulder. 

Bucky stopped and turned to face Steve on the sidewalk. He made eye contact with him and gave a small smile before saying in as suggestive a voice as he could manage without being cheesy or overdone, “Then lead me, Steve.” 

The tone of Bucky’s voice went straight through Steve and he had a moment of mildly careless spontaneity as he put his hand on Bucky’s face like he was going to kiss him. But he blinked a few times and lowered it again. They were way too close to work still for them to be kissing in the street. 

Biting his lower lip, Bucky grinned slowly and said, “Tea first, big guy.” He knew he had Steve hooked already. 

“Okay. Tea first,” Steve agree and hailed a cab for them like it was the most impressive thing he could do in that moment. He usually got pretty sad and lonely around the holidays because he didn’t have any family left. So, this whole thing was going to be a very welcome distraction. Also, he worked really hard for his body and he sort of wanted to show it off a little. He was ready to get going. 

Bucky stopped himself before he said anything out loud about how easily and quickly Steve fell into this game of theirs. He didn’t want to jinx it. “But after tea... there’s possibilities...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	3. Chapter 3

Once they got into the cab, Bucky got quiet for a moment. He was such a flirt most of the time. He pushed his knee against Steve’s and relaxed like this cab ride was just way too long. After a minute or so, he started up again. “Tell me a little about yourself, Rogers.” 

“I’m an only child,” Steve answered. He then internally kicked himself because that was by no means a sexy topic or even a very interesting one.  

There was a quiet little giggle from Bucky before he scooted a little closer. He was cold and Steve looked really, really warm. “Keep going.” 

“That’s the only thing mildly notable about me... and it isn’t even special.” It wasn’t. But Steve just didn’t know what was special about him and anything notable was much more upsetting and he didn’t want to permanently kill their collective boner with sadness. 

“Well, I don’t believe that horseshit for a minute.” Bucky shook his head. He knew Steve was something important. “But I guess we can make time for talk later, right? I mean, we have a few months.” 

The cabby stopped and Steve paid before they both got out. Bucky stood there waiting for Steve to lead him up to the apartment. Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s forearm because it felt like a neutral sort of zone. He took him up and turned on the lights once they were inside. 

Steve had a nice place. It was clear that it was only him who lived there, but it was nice. And it was clear that Steve wasn’t spending his money on anyone else. He had a good TV and a plush looking sofa. It wasn’t the height of luxury in there but it was comfortable. And it was also very homey. There were family pictures on the wall and pictures of Steve and his college friends. 

Bucky got distracted looking at every picture of Steve. He landed on one with Steve as a teen. “Wow, you were so tiny,” he said, in total awe that Steve used to look like that. 

Steve glanced at the picture Bucky was looking at and blushed lightly. “Yeah. I would have told you but it never came up,” he said like it was something to be ashamed of in some way. 

“You’re adorable.” Bucky looked at the photo some more and thought about his nephew and whether he would be a little guy or get tall when he was older. 

Steve blushed a little more and shook his head before going back to his kitchen. “Did, uh, did you actually want tea?” He wasn’t sure if this was going to be tea and conversation or purely something more carnal. 

“Oh, uh...” Bucky followed him back and bit his lip. He figured it was too forward to just say no, he didn’t want tea – he would rather get down to other things. “What kind do you have?” 

Steve caught on to Bucky’s inner dialogue immediately. He was getting better now at reading his facial expressions. “You can say no, Bucky,” he said with a little smile. 

It was Bucky’s turn to blush pink and he scrunched up his shoulders for a second. It was like being with Steve made all his confidence and charm rush right away. “I didn’t want to seem too forward or eager or desperate or just all together pathetic...” He needed to be smooth here, Barnes, come on. 

“You’re not.” Steve moved towards him and stopped about a foot in front of him. He knew it was probably awkward to bring up, but he knew they had to cover it so he said, “I’m clean. I wouldn’t be doing this with you if I weren't clean. But I can get tested again soon?” He hadn’t gotten any since he was last tested anyway. But he would do it again if it made Bucky feel more comfortable. 

“Right! Yeah!” Bucky was so focused on Steve and his body right there that he forgot that part of it for a second. “Yeah. Okay. I’m clean too. No worries there.” He just stood in front of Steve, a little embarrassed because he wasn’t sure if they should sit down and talk about some stuff or just start making out. 

Steve nodded and flitted his eyes over Bucky’s face. “You’re so pretty,” he blurted out quietly. He had always thought Bucky was pretty. Even the first time he met him, he had that fleeting thought when they shook hands. 

“Is that okay?” Bucky asked immediately. He was worried. Maybe Steve meant he was pretty as in the more feminine way he presents. And maybe Steve didn’t like that too much. Or maybe he liked it a lot and that’s why he was here. Heaven knows Bucky had been with guys before who had been rude about how he doesn’t conform to gender norms and presents the way he does with more ‘traditionally female’ clothing and hair choices. 

“Why wouldn’t it be okay?” Steve blinked. He hadn’t even considered that at all.  Steve was kind of oblivious to the way Bucky was more feminine presenting. He just didn’t even register it as some big difference or issue. Bucky was just pretty. There wasn’t a bad thing about that to him. Bucky was Bucky and that made him gorgeous.  

Bucky nodded. He guessed he should leave it for now. Steve didn’t seem to mind. And, even if they weren’t really on the same page, he didn’t think they needed to be if Steve didn’t care. “So, is this our trial run day? To see if this is going to be a good match for cuffing? We should probably talk about sexual preferences.” 

“Trial run,” Steve agreed in short response. “I want to use protection and keep it safe.” He wanted to make sure that was out there first and foremost. 

“Okay, yeah, I don’t have any issue with that.” Bucky knew how to be a good, safe fucker. He took Steve’s hand in his and played with his fingers for a second. “Are you like... specifically, a top or bottom? Because I switch. But I can do one or the other for a few months and I won’t mind.” 

Steve shook his head. “I like switching, too,” he said quickly.  

“Alright good. Cool. Yeah. Because I’m pretty good at it both ways so I figure it'll be nice to show you what I can do, right?” Bucky was only sort of joking and he got a red-faced furious nod out of Steve in return. Bucky brought Steve over to the couch and sat them down. “So, uh... what do you like? Kinks and stuff, I mean...” 

Steve blinked a little and shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure,” he answered, mouth a little dry. His ‘kinks’ were being loved and needed. But that wasn’t really what Bucky was looking for.  

Bucky really wasn’t so used to a huge dude like Steve being so calm and nice and respectful and shy and all that. It was pretty new. “I mean, we can just sit and talk about things if you would prefer that tonight?” He was worried Steve was too nervous now. But he wanted to respect whatever he needed. 

The reason Steve was getting so nervous was that he really just wasn’t a hook-up type of guy. He had only really sought out a hook-up a few times in his life. He had always been the one who waited for sex until after a few dates. And he knew this wasn’t that. It was more of a combination. What Bucky was offering was just new and exciting and, yes, nerve-wracking. Steve had never really had much excitement in his life. Sure, he did all the typical college nonsense, too much beer pong and some weed-smoking. But he could really use some more excitement on the regular. He also sort of felt like just talking about everything might be too awkward for him right now even if it was important. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yeah, you can kiss me.” Bucky moved a little closer. Steve was taller and it was a nice difference between them now. Bucky liked it. He reached a hand out for Steve’s and brought it to rest on his hip. “How long have we been working together now, Rogers?” 

Steve wanted to say that it was too long. He didn’t love his job. He liked the team a lot but not the job itself. He had a degree in business administration and he wasn’t really sure he actually wanted to use it. That wasn’t something he was passionate about at all. “Uh, a little over a year,” he said and then wondered if Bucky was cuffed up with someone the winter before. But he made the thought get out of his head. He didn’t want to know. 

“God, really? Well, I think our co-worker status is about to change just a little bit.” Bucky leaned in, hoping Steve would meet him half-way and kiss him. It only took a second for Steve to catch on, then his lips were pressed ever-so-lightly to Bucky’s, his hand still on his hip. Bucky let his own hands travel up to cup Steve’s face carefully and give some more soft closed-mouth kisses leading up to parting his lips and readying himself for his first make-out with Steve. 

Steve got into it quickly. Bucky was so warm and close and it was just so good. His brain had a short, strong thought of ‘pick up short man and place on lap’ but he didn’t yet. Bucky wasn’t even that short, he was just shorter than Steve enough to count. 

Pressing his body right up against him, Bucky searched his hands down his body to find Steve’s. He moved Steve’s hands to his lower back and stopped just above his ass. He wouldn’t just put his hands on his ass, but he could certainly guide him a little towards doing it himself. Their co-worker relationship was now officially dead. 

Steve very nearly brushed the swell of Bucky’s ass and hesitated a little. They agreed to fuck, and Bucky said it was all okay so he didn’t have to feel like he had to stay in the back area and not touch any lower. Steve gave a clipped little hum into Bucky’s mouth and made the jump to squeezing his ass in his big, open hands. 

A desperate, loud, moaning whine was Bucky’s answer. He didn’t quite realize he could be so noisy. People had pointed it out but he didn’t really believe it even when one guy told him he sounded like a porno star occasionally. But it really had been a long while since he had his ass handled and loved on.  

Steve was so fueled by how pretty Bucky was, and how nice it felt being molded together now. He broke away after Bucky let out another moan. “You’re so hot. I’ve always thought that. I just, you know, couldn’t say that? You could've reported me to HR and then where would we be?” Steve told himself to shut up. He needed to be using his lips to kiss, not talk. 

“Uh-huh, yeah,” Bucky said, almost entirely disinterested. He just wanted to get back to the kisses. And Bucky also kind of knew he was hot. He used to be a dancer and he got upwards of twenty phone numbers a week, easy.  

“Can I pick you up?” Steve finally asked and squeezed Bucky’s ass again.  

Bucky looked down for a moment. They were both still in their work clothes and they were making out pretty intensely. He wanted to get this going further too. “Yeah, god, yeah. Definitely. Pick me up.” 

Steve obliged happily and hefted Bucky up onto his lap and brought him close. He was pretty damn strong and Bucky wasn’t very hard to lift.  

Bucky’s heart skipped a beat. Steve was so impressive all the time. And he loved that he could just pick him up. Bucky also knew Steve would come in handy if he got into any fistfights – which happened more than it should for most people his size. “You have lube and condoms?” 

“I do, yeah.” When the prospect of sex was finally on the horizon again, he’d stocked up on the big condoms and lube. He didn’t want to be caught unawares with Bucky. 

“Good. Cause I don’t think I could stop right now even if a tornado came through.” Bucky was rock hard and pressed against Steve as he was carried away to Steve’s room. 

Steve set Bucky down on the bed and had a short, worried moment of thinking that maybe Bucky wouldn’t actually like the way he looks. But he also knew that Bucky had seen that picture of him after a work-out and he seemed to like that. So, maybe it would be okay. 

Bucky, being horny as he was, slipped his hand inside Steve’s pocket for a second and looked up at him. “Are you sure? You can change your mind. We are still dressed. We can stop for today.” 

Despite always being nervous about the first time with someone, Steve was sure. He shook his head and said simply, “I want you, Bucky.” 

“I want you, too,” Bucky agreed and touched Steve’s shirt and tugged a little “Can I...?” He really wanted to get Steve naked already. 

Steve nodded. He was ready to be naked in front of Bucky, too. “Yeah. Please.” Steve blinked a few times as he lifted his arms for Bucky. Bucky removed his shirt from him swiftly and tossed it aside. 

Bucky’s mouth hung open a little and he stared down the hairless, perfect chest of Steve Rogers. He was muscular and hairless and, even though Bucky had seen it in a picture, this was so much more spectacular in person. “Ah, fuck me...” he mumbled, eyes so caught on him.  

Now, in real life, he was able to look at Steve’s tattoos a lot better. There was one giant floral piece that spread over his left shoulder and down his arm just a few inches. There were roses and lilies and daisies all mixed together flawlessly. All the flowers were his mother’s favorites and they were ones that his dad used to bring to her when he came home. He did that almost every week from when they met until he passed away when Steve was three. 

The other tattoo was a block script on his side of his mother’s dainty handwriting. She used to give him little encouraging notes all the time, especially through school. And, after she died, Steve took his favorite and had it put on him forever. 

Steve watched Bucky watching him and he had a momentary urge to cross his arms. It was like he wanted Bucky to look at him, but he also didn’t want Bucky to look at him. He was still a little shy. “That’s... good, right?” he asked, hoping Bucky’s reaction was as positive as it seemed. But he just really needed the verbal reassurance. 

“Yeah, Jesus fuck... look at you.” Bucky let his hands go back on Steve’s body and he slid them down his chest and abs smoothly. “You're gorgeous. You’re so thick and cut. And you look just... the hottest.” He was getting a little tongue-tied and rambling as he got more turned on. 

Steve, feeling the urgency again, leaned in to kiss Bucky some more. But then he remembered that he needed to get him undressed as well. “You’re still wearing a sweater,” he said as if he was almost offended that he couldn’t see enough of Bucky’s skin right now. 

“Yeah, I am,” Bucky responded, still absent because of his continued staring at Steve. He was amazed that he got to touch Steve and he would still get to touch him for a while now. He was going to get to be under him and on top of him and inside him and kissing him and fucking him. It was a lot. 

“Bucky.” Steve gripped his arm with a whine and pleaded with his eyes so he knew he needed to get him naked at least as much as he was himself. “Can I undress you?” 

Bucky dragged his eyes back up to look at Steve’s face again. “Huh? Yeah? Yeah. Right! Yeah!” he agreed and went for Steve’s belt on his khaki pants as if he just now remembered they were supposed to keep going until everyone was naked all the way. He knew the drill now. 

“I need your arms up for a second,” Steve said as he gently pulled Bucky’s hands away from his belt. Not only that, but Steve needed a second to prepare for the fact that Bucky was going to see his dick for the first time. 

Bucky obediently moved his arms up and closed his eyes for just a second to take this all in. He knew this cuffing thing was going to be pretty amazing with Steve. He had made the right choice. 

Steve was urgent yet careful in undressing Bucky. He pulled off his sweater and unbuttoned his shirt with slightly nervous hands. He dropped the clothes and looked over Bucky’s torso. He was lean and had just a little hair on his stomach like a light blonde happy-trail. In fact, all his body hair on his chest and tum seemed to be pretty light. He also looked over the handful of tattoos scattered over Bucky’s skin. There was one of a mountain under his ribs, and a small bird on his side, under his armpit. A few others were here and there but the most eyebrow-raising one for Steve was near Bucky’s hip and it read simply, ‘Crybaby’. It was a relic from Bucky’s dancer days that he sometimes regretted now. But Steve wasn’t privy to that information quite yet. And Steve decided not to ask directly about it either. 

Steve didn’t waste as much time with staring as Bucky had. He wanted more touches than looks. Next, he went after Bucky’s pants and squatted for a second to pull them down along with Bucky’s underwear, which were decidedly not boxers, but what looked like delicate, cotton panties. Steve looked up Bucky’s body and just thought he was the most perfect being he ever saw. He always knew he was, but now he was actually looking at him. Steve didn’t even linger much on Bucky’s dick. He was interested more in coming back up to give him another kiss and to place a thumb over one nipple and swipe. 

There was another high whine from Bucky. He loved that. His, admittedly, fairly average dick twitched up at the feeling. Steve seemed to know how to make him tick already. “Steve... fuck... I think this is going to end up being really good.” 

“You’re interested in more even though we haven't passed the trial run?” Steve asked, although, he was pleased because he felt the exact same. Steve didn’t give Bucky much time to answer, however. He bent down and replaced his thumb with his mouth and tongue and nipped very gently with his teeth.  

Bucky wanted to say something else to Steve about having high hopes that the trial run would go well, but then there were Steve’s  _teeth_. He gasped sharply and his hands flew to hold Steve’s head, his own falling back with a resounding groan. He wanted to tell Steve to bite him – just bite all over his body, all over him. 

Their level of compatibility was so surprising to Steve already. He had expected some amount, of course, but it seemed like he was doing absolutely everything right, and they weren’t even totally naked yet. He glanced up at Bucky and reluctantly moved back so he could finish ridding himself of his pants. He put his hands on his belt with much more confidence now. 

Bucky’s eyes were still closed until he heard the soft metallic clicks of the belt. He opened his eyes and watched Steve intently, unable to tear away because of how excited he was to have Steve’s cock revealed to him at last. He wanted to get acquainted with the dick he was going to be with through the winter. 

Steve pulled off his slacks and let them fall on the ground near him. It was definitely a major point of progress in their relationship. He just needed to get his undergarments off. He was also feeling kind of awkward about how he was doing this so, he went with his socks first instead of his underwear. But after a moment, he brought his hands to the elastic of his underwear again and tugged down, in full view of Bucky’s hungry gaze. 

He paused for a moment and closed his eyes for a beat to prepare himself. He was naked in front of Bucky Barnes – the single prettiest guy in the entire world. “Uh,” he mumbled in as most eloquence as he could right now. 

Bucky, to his credit, kept his eyes above the waist until Steve was fully undressed. Then he darted them down to Steve’s cock and his eyebrows went straight up and his mouth opened in a little gap in surprise. It was probably the biggest dick Bucky had seen in real life, with a head that was bright pink and flared out to show some dominance. It was also longer than anything he had had inside himself yet, and the width wasn’t anything to scoff at either. Bucky wanted to swallow it. 

He let out a long, soft, content sigh and his eyes fluttered like he just fell in love with a dick right then. He was unable to say anything but all he could think was,  _Wow, wow, wow, wow._  Bucky shook his head and silently sank down to his knees and opened his mouth more to receive it. He was a picture with his hands on his thighs and his bright eyes looking up at Steve, hoping he was enticing enough for him.  

It took Steve longer than it should have for him to understand Bucky’s intention. But, finally, it clicked with a little,  _Oh, uh, oh, yes._  Steve tried his best not to be weird. He wanted to just play it pretty normal this first time. But it wasn’t really working just to tell himself that. His desire kind of took over anyway and he used his hand to guide the head of his cock to smack lightly against Bucky’s cheek and then his lips. It was beyond gorgeous to watch. 

And Bucky loved it too, but he was getting impatient. He kept his mouth open and blinked a few times. He was trying to convey to Steve that this was all him right now. Steve was the one in charge. Bucky was sitting there presenting himself to Steve and giving him the alpha status for the time being by letting him take his mouth first. And Bucky was an absolute pro at deepthroating so he was excited for Steve to get in there. 

Steve finally let Bucky have his cock and Bucky took it like a champ. He took him down all the way on the first go and nuzzled his nose against Steve’s lower abs. He looked up at him like that and reached his hand up to cup his balls gently. 

Steve would never be able to forget that sight. It wasn’t even something he would have ever let himself fantasize about. After all, they were co-workers and that would have been wrong. But even after agreeing to cuffing, Steve didn’t think something like this would be the first thing he saw when they finally got into bed together. 

He let out an amazed gasp and brought his hand to Bucky’s hair to hold. Bucky, in turn, gave him a little look to try to tell him that he could use his hair to pull on and fuck his face if he wanted. But that was hard to explain when he was bobbing on a mouthful of solid dick. 

Steve thought he understood but he wasn’t going to do anything. He would never pull on anyone’s hair without verbal permission. Even with verbal permission, he wanted some sort of build up so he wasn’t ready for that right now. All he could do was hold his head and let out a steady stream of moans and, “God, Bucky, that  _mouth_.” 

Keeping up his movements along his cock, Bucky reached his hands around to cup his ass and squeeze and just feel all over Steve. Not only did he have a stupendous dick, but Steve also had a firm, healthy ass that Bucky was happy to hold. Bucky decided that this was the perfect decision for them. They were smart to do this – smart to choose to be cuffed up together. This was just amazing already. 

Steve, who spent literal hours at the gym all the time, was so beyond pleased that Bucky seemed to like his ass and wanted to touch him. It proved that all the time working out wasn’t a waste. “Buck- Bucky,” he moaned. He was embarrassingly close to coming. Or, at least, he was embarrassed by how close he was. Bucky had only been on him for a few minutes or so. “Don’t wanna... I’m close.” He wanted to warn him that he was going to come and he didn’t want to come in his mouth without Bucky being totally prepared for it. 

Bucky wasn’t sure if Steve was trying to say that he didn’t want to come in his mouth or he didn’t want to come yet period. Maybe Steve was hoping to last longer so they could have sex. Maybe he was just not prepared tonight and was hoping this whole thing would be longer. Whatever it was, Bucky didn’t have time to pull off and ask Steve. The next thing he knew, Steve was gasping and saying, “I’m gonna-” before he was shooting down his throat. 

Steve was so thick and long that all his come just went straight down into Bucky’s throat and Bucky couldn’t even taste him all that much even though he really wanted to. Bucky liked come. And he liked to know what his partner’s come tasted like too. And Steve really gave him a significant amount of it too. Ironically, that was the most Bucky had eaten that day except for an apple. He wasn’t going to tell Steve that, though. 

Steve was red with embarrassment immediately. He swore and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried to say something.” 

Bucky pulled off of Steve carefully and let his hands climb their way up Steve’s body until he was standing with him and his lips were on Steve’s lips and he was holding him and kissing him. It was okay with Bucky to have Steve’s come in his mouth. He didn’t mind a bit. But he understood why Steve was trying to be so nice and was worried he messed up. It was endearing. Bucky was just pleased as fuck that Steve came. 

Steve brought his hand back to Bucky’s hair and brushed through it gently. It was so soft and lovely, and so was Bucky. And the kisses from Bucky were perfect and so warm. In the back of his mind, he was wondering how he was supposed to see him at work ever again. He would only be thinking of seeing him sucking his dick all the way down. There would certainly be less teasing Bucky in meetings now. Steve himself wouldn’t be able to take it. 

Popping off his lips, Bucky looked into Steve’s eyes. He was a little drunk on the atmosphere of all of this as he asked, “How was that?” 

“You’re amazing,” Steve answered quickly. He wasn’t sure what else to say. That was what Bucky was. He gave him another kiss to show his appreciation. He didn’t know what else to do. How could he thank someone like Bucky properly for what he’d done for him already? 

Bucky giggled into the kisses and thanked the heavens above that Steve was so enthusiastic about this. This was so good – a very good trial run. 

Once the kisses eventually stopped and they were both sitting on the bed, Steve said, “Your hair is so soft.” It was the best thing he could compliment right now without complimenting Bucky on how good he was at giving head – which just seemed tasteless. 

“I put Moroccan oil and aloe in it,” Bucky said with a big smile. This felt easy right now. Unlike like some post-orgasm awkwardness he had experienced with men before. “How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good in my entire life.” Steve was going to have a problem with putting Bucky on a pedestal now. He was already there and that was where he was going to stay, more than likely. 

Bucky held Steve and laid them both back on the bed. His dick was still hard but he was going to ignore it because he wanted to make sure Steve was going to be okay and wanted to keep doing this with him in the future. “My hair was really short when I was a teenager. It was buzzed really close at one point. But I hated that so I grow it out now.” 

“It’s pretty.” Steve felt a little dopey just repeating that but it was the truth. “I like that one little part that’s as light as mine.” There was lighter hair towards the ends of Bucky’s hair but one chunk was decidedly not as subtle as the rest of it.  

“Oh, yeah,” Bucky said, messing with that little bit. “My hairdresser messed that part up when she was doing the dye but I didn’t really mind so I just kept it.” 

Steve kissed Bucky again and then said, “Oh. You... I need to take care of you.” He looked down at Bucky’s crotch and then back at his eyes. He really just literally left him hanging there. 

“Oh, it’s okay. I’m fine. It’ll go down,” Bucky said. He wanted Steve to have a good post-orgasm chill time. He could come later. “By the way, Rogers, where were you hiding that monster for the past year? I never noticed you had a cock like that.” 

Steve laughed and said, “I couldn’t just show you on the way to the shredder, Bucky.” He was blushing deeply, though, happy that Bucky liked it. 

“Yeah, but you think I would have noticed that swinging between your legs.” Bucky was kidding, of course, he didn’t generally stare at the pants of his co-workers. 

Steve hid his face against Bucky’s neck and mumbled something that sounded like, ‘Sweetheart’. It was definitely ‘sweetheart’ but Steve felt a little off saying so. He wasn’t sure if Bucky would like that. 

“Can I just say, that I think that was a pretty amazing start to our cuffing?” Bucky, the sweet babe, knew this was going to be very, very nice. “As weird as that may sound.” 

Steve was starting to relax more now. His heart rate was slowing down and he felt less like he was going to explode. He also thought that this was possibly the best idea anyone had ever had. “I, yeah... You’re a genius,” he said. 

Bucky giggled and brushed his hair from his face. “Well, I didn’t come up with the concept. I just heard about it the other day from my cousin.” 

There was a tick of surprise over Steve’s face. He had expected that Bucky had done this before. But he guessed not now. “You’re a genius for deciding to apply it to you and me,” he added, preventing any more arguing from Bucky. 

“Oh, yeah? That’s how this works? Gotcha.” Bucky smiled up at him and brushed his fingers through Steve’s hair now too. “Can I... snuggle you?” 

Steve nodded. “Yeah, come here. I love snuggling.” Steve had to fight with himself not to get his hopes up that Bucky would stay the night. He decided to get them on a track of conversation instead. “I bet you have a bunch of nice pillows.” He knew it was a bit of a random question to ask but he wanted to have something to talk about. 

“Nice pillows?” Bucky questioned. He did actually have a lot of pillows and, yes, they were nice. But he was wondering why Steve was asking. “I have a few, yeah. I have an overabundance of blankets, though.” 

“I’m just thinking about what your room is like,” Steve answered. “You’ve seen mine. It’s kind of boring. So, I was wondering about yours.” Steve sort of subconsciously thought that all he was could be summarized as, ‘boring with a big dick’ and that was about it. 

Bucky shrugged. “I guess my apartment is pretty good. It’s pretty warm and cozy and intimate. And I have an ancient cat that I’ve had for years who lives under the sink in the bathroom. That’s not my choice. He just likes that best because it’s quiet and he can hide there.” 

Steve let out a puff of laughter and looked to Bucky. “You mean to tell me that your cat banished himself?” 

“Yeah, I guess so. I never considered that, but yeah.” Bucky figured Tatum just really liked being in solitude. But it was sort of like he banished himself. “He doesn’t like humans very much so you might not ever see him.” 

Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky’s cheek. He was so charmed by him. Everything he said was somehow cute in every way. And he couldn’t figure out why. “Noted,” he said and rested his hand on Bucky’s middle. He was so nice to cuddle too.  

“Hey, so now that this is officially started, do you want to make Thanksgiving plans?” Bucky asked, perfectly content, albeit a little cold.  

It had definitely been a long while since Steve had done Thanksgiving with other people at all. In college, he used to stay on campus and have dinner with anyone else who was around. But that had been a few years ago. “Yeah, okay. I think the last time I celebrated Thanksgiving was when I was a senior in college.” 

“Why’s that? Just get sick of dealing with it?” Bucky asked, unaware that Steve’s family was all passed and he didn’t have anyone else to celebrate with. “We don’t have to make a big deal out of it if you just want to rent a movie and have some pizza and fuck.” 

“Something like that, yeah.” Steve wasn’t sure if now was the best time to tell him that he didn’t have a family. Especially after Bucky just gave him the best head of his life. It felt a little odd to mention it now. “If you have other plans, I’m cool with that. It doesn't have to be low key.” 

“Well, no, I didn’t really have much in the works. Just mashed potatoes to be honest.” Bucky didn’t really eat that much that often, but he did like mashed potatoes well enough. “If you weren’t there, I would probably just eat a little bit of potatoes and watch a dumb movie and probably jerk off.” 

Steve blinked a little and blushed at that information. He wasn’t sure why he was always just a little shy about stuff like that. “I think fucking sounds way better than that.” 

“Me too.” Bucky just kind of wanted to fuck Steve every day honestly. It would be an honor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	4. Chapter 4

The next day at work was boring and slow. Bucky finished his quarterly reports faster than he anticipated and he didn’t have too much else to do once he was done. And he was bored. 

[13:25]: Princess Soft Hair: hey. I've counted how many times you have walked past my desk today

[13:26]: Steve Rogers: have you now?

[13:28]: Princess Soft Hair: 21

[13:30]: Steve Rogers: its been like 7 max

[13:30]: Princess Soft Hair: 21 man. Im an accountant. I can count.

[13:31]: Princess Soft Hair: I'm going to tell johnson that you don’t have shit to do and he’s going to put you to work cleaning out the break room

[13:34]: Steve Rogers: I’m actually working Bucky

[13:35]: Princess Soft Hair: you are not

Bucky slowly got up from his desk and took a quick walk-by of Steve’s desk just to double check. He saw zero work going on. 

[13:39]: Princess Soft Hair: no. No work that I can see

[13:40]: Steve Rogers: youre a bad influence

[13:42]: Princess Soft Hair: how am I a bad influence? I'm doing real work. Or I was but I finished just now

[13:43]: Steve Rogers: because I could be doing real work but I’m talking to you

[13:44]: Princess Soft Hair: okay then get your tight ass back to work

Bucky pulled up a few tabs on his computer’s web browser. He figured if he was looking at business articles then he could pretend to be doing some research on something or other related to his job.

[13:47]: Steve Rogers: don’t mention my tight ass right now 

[13:49]: Princess Soft Hair: wouldn’t be thinking about it if you didn’t walk by my desk 21 times man

[13:50]: Princess Soft Hair: 21. In case you forgot

[13:51]: Steve Rogers: well then I'll put in my two weeks notice and never walk by your desk again

[13:51]: Princess Soft Hair: that’s a little dramatic. Also I would miss you. And I wouldn’t get to see that tight ass all the time

[13:52]: Steve Rogers: you’d still see me. But you’d miss me. That's cute

[13:54]: Princess Soft Hair: you’re cute

Bucky was so bored. And he really had no chill whatsoever. But Steve was learning that pretty quickly. Especially when he got a text that said:

[13:58]: Princess Soft Hair: I miss that cock already. Still got me a little reeling about it

[14:00]: Steve Rogers: Buuuuuucky

[14:01]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah rogers whats wrong?

[14:02]: Princess Soft Hair: you thinking about my mouth?

[14:03]: Princess Soft Hair: about how good I sucked you off?

[14:05]: Steve Rogers: Nope.

[14:06]: Steve Rogers: but you do have a nice mouth

[14:08]: Princess Soft Hair: is it okay with you that I'm thinking about you. And how sexy you are and how nice and cut

[14:10]: Steve Rogers: okay you win. Is this revenge for the meeting?

[14:12]: Princess Soft Hair: yes it is

[14:13]: Princess Soft Hair: I still don’t have those notes. But I did my quarterly so I hope I got it all right

[14:14]: Stever Rogers: I really did intend on giving you the notes

[14:15]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah but then you kissed me

[14:16]: Princess Soft Hair: but I'm not really complaining because I did like what followed

[14:17]: Steve Rogers: I like kissing you

[14:18]: Princess Soft Hair: again I'm not complaining

[14:21]: Princess Soft Hair: my place tonight? Maybe a movie and warm blankets and making out on the couch?

[14:23]: Steve Rogers: I have to go to the gym, but after maybe?

[14:25]: Princess Soft Hair: fine, I'll be waiting

[14:27]: Princess Soft Hair: Waiting. Possibly shirtless. Possibly only in sweatpants. Possibly without underwear.

[14:28]: Steve Rogers: maybe I cant come by tonight

It was meant to be a rib but Bucky didn’t read it that way. He wasn’t sure what it was about the text but he thought Steve had changed his mind or actually had something else to do. And he was sad. He wanted snuggles with Steve again. But he also knew this wasn’t a real relationship or anything so Steve should do whatever else he wanted to do before considering Bucky.

[14:30]: Princess Soft Hair: okay. Yeah sorry. I'll just see you next time then

He also knew they had never said this was exclusive. So, maybe Steve had someone else to see. Or maybe Bucky could call up an ex-boyfriend if he was horny and Steve wasn’t available. But maybe that was really out of line. He wasn’t sure yet.

After receiving Bucky’s last text, Steve got up from his desk and came over to Bucky’s. The text was weird enough that he felt like he should check in on him. “You okay, Barnes?” he asked, a little surprised he looked so sad. Steve hadn’t meant to cause that.

“Huh? Yeah. I’m fine, man. Why? What’s up with you?” Bucky responded, trying to play it off like he was totally fine.

Steve blinked and leaned back in confusion. Bucky wasn’t really acting like himself. “Just checking on you. No ulterior motive.”

Anytime anyone said that they had no ulterior motives, Bucky immediately got suspicious that they did have ulterior motives. “Nope. I’m good. I’m just trying to run out the clock and wait until I go home. I might go to the store but I don’t know yet.” He was stalling with small-talk.

Steve was having a hard time making heads or tails of Bucky right now. And he kept getting distracted by watching Bucky’s lips as he talked. They really were gorgeous. “Oh, uh, out of numbers to play with?”

“No, I mean, I could always review stuff or check the budget but I don't want to.” Bucky paused and tucked his hair behind his ears. He wasn’t wearing a barrette today. “Maybe I should go clean the microwave in the kitchen or something. Do something useful until I can leave.”

Steve was silent. He wasn’t sure what got Bucky in this little mood. He wasn’t sure how to help either. But he couldn’t just leave him alone right now. Something was clearly up. But before he could ask, Bucky got up from his desk again and grabbed his pink water bottle. “I’m going to clean the kitchen if you want to help.”

Steve nodded and trailed after Bucky. They were mostly quiet as they cleaned up. Bucky would occasionally tell Steve what to do or how to do it best, but that was it. Bucky had always been a neat, clean, tidy sort of person. So, by the end of the day, the kitchen was damn near spotless and shining.

Gathering up his things, Bucky nodded to Steve and then walked past him on his way to the elevator. “Later, Rogers,” he said, as if they were still normal co-workers and nothing was new or different. After all, he shouldn’t expect things to just be completely new now. They weren’t going to hang out every day. Steve had a life outside of this, even if Bucky didn’t so much. Or at least, that’s what Bucky thought.

-

Bucky was at a house party in Park Slope when he got a text from Steve. He was hanging out with a lot of his old dancer buddies and some other guys. He was sitting the lap of some big dude he had just met four drinks ago. But Bucky was immediately caught up in the text. It was a picture of Steve post-workout and pre-shower. He was sweaty and shirtless and damn amazing all around. Bucky kept his response chill as possible.

[20:03]: Princess Soft Hair: good time at the gym?

[20:09]: Steve Rogers: I was distracted. Thought about you too much

There was a weird pang of regret that swept through Bucky. Mostly because he was currently being held by a friend of a friend who was clearly into him and all he wanted was to go show up at Steve’s place. It wasn’t very fair to Steve either way, though.

[20:12]: Princess Soft Hair: oh yeah? What did you think about?

[20:13]: Steve Rogers: that you took all of me in your mouth. That I got to come down your throat. That your nose got very acquainted with my abs

[20:15]: Princess Soft Hair: I give pretty good head

[20:17]: Princess Soft Hair: I bet that was a good thing to think about while you were working out

Bucky knew it was an idiotic thing to text. It wasn’t flirty or desirable. It just came off as conceited and a little upset still. Although, that was how Bucky was kind of feeling just then. And what he got in return was yet another glorious shot of Steve’s amazing abs and part of his gym shorts underneath. Steve really just wanted Bucky to look at him more and more and more. 

Steve was just so ripped and attractive and good that Bucky shuddered with goosebumps and let out a little amazed sigh. Bucky knew Steve was handsome, and a good guy too. He just wasn’t invested enough yet to know that there was more than the physical with Steve. 

[20:20]: Princess Soft Hair: New Picture Message

He sent a picture back. It was just a selfie, and everything would have looked normal, except he was in a very tight party outfit and there was a man’s big hand on his waist holding him there. It proved he wasn’t currently alone.

Steve deflated the instant he saw it. That was someone else’s hand on Bucky. That was a hand on the best guy in the world. It was a hand that didn’t deserve to be there. And yet, Steve had no claim over Bucky at all. He didn’t have the right to be jealous. He had to stop this before his brain went crazy with wishing he could kick this guy’s ass for even looking at Bucky.

[20:23]: Steve Rogers: you with company?

[20:23]: Princess Soft Hair: party.

[20:24]: Princess Soft Hair: New Picture Message

This time he sent a picture of the room at large – all his twink dancer friends and all their muscular companions hanging around them. They were all settled down to watch a movie now and most everyone had a drink in hand. Some were smoking weed.

[20:26]: Steve Rogers: I’ll let you go then

[20:26]: Steve Rogers: I like the barrette in your hair, by the way. You didn’t have that in at work. It's very cute

[20:27]: Steve Rogers: bye Bucky

Bucky smiled at the texts and shook his head. Steve was an ultimate cutie and Bucky loved getting compliments from him. Especially since the man he was sitting on had just made a comment to him earlier about not liking his hair that much. He also said that Bucky’s outfit wasn’t that cute, and he would look much better if he took it off. It was all supposed to be jokingly back-handed flirting, but really, it was just rude and Bucky didn’t like it. But he had no one else right now so, here he was.

[20:29]: Princess Soft Hair: you don’t have to run off steve. I'm not doing anything really. It’s movie time and I'm not really into it anyway

All he was really doing anyway was letting this guy feel him up and cup his dick through his pants and touch his legs and push his hand under his shirt. That was all he was doing right now besides watching the movie and he wasn’t really into that touching nonsense either.

Steve, meanwhile, was trying hard not to think about the fact that there was still a hand on Bucky that just didn’t belong there. It was seriously cutting into his mood and he felt awful.

[20:30]: Steve Rogers: if youre sure

[20:33]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah I think I might leave soon anyway

[20:33]: Princess Soft Hair: some people are dropping off to go fuck so its winding down around here

Bucky knew this guy wanted to fuck him. It was obvious with how he was using Bucky’s body like a scratching post. But Bucky wasn’t sure he wanted to let him. He usually didn’t mind sex with anyone really. He generally enjoyed it and his standards were pretty low. But this guy was a little too handsy, not that kind, less than very attractive, and decidedly not Steve.

Steve replied with an odd sort of confidence and blunt forwardness that came out of nowhere. 

[20:34]: Steve Rogers: I'd fuck you

[20:35]: Steve Rogers: you looked so pretty at work today

The bluntness was out of the ordinary for Steve but Bucky really appreciated it. Because people sometimes didn't just say what they wanted to do or they just started feeling all over his body instead. He really loved that Steve was real about this right now. He also loved being called pretty. It was his favorite. He also chose to be blunt in his response too.

[20:38]: Princess Soft Hair: well, I kind of offered that potential earlier but you said you were busy

[20:41]: Steve Rogers: I wanted to see what you would do if I said I was busy. But it was stupid. We’re not twelve

Steve wasn’t sure why he thought it was a good idea. Maybe he wanted to see if Bucky would be disappointed. Maybe he wanted a tiny bit of begging. He didn’t know. Either way, it wasn’t very clever at all.

Bucky considered for a moment just being all nice and understanding about it. He could say that it was ‘cool, man, it’s fine’ and that he got it. But now there was a hand down the back of his pants and it was squeezing his ass and he was annoyed as all hell. And Steve had been blunt with him so maybe he could be blunt with Steve too.

[20:43]: Princess Soft Hair: that is stupid

[20:44]: Princess Soft Hair: because I just assumed you were actually busy and I didn’t want to intrude on your life or tell you to cancel plans

It wasn’t like they were boyfriends or anything. He couldn’t just tell him to drop everything and come over.

[20:45]: Steve Rogers: I’m sorry.

[20:45]: Steve Rogers: lesson learned

Steve was actually sorry, too. He really regretted that move and hoped Bucky wasn’t too upset with him. He really was dumb sometimes. Hopefully, he wouldn’t pull a dumb lie like that again with him.

[20:46]: Princess Soft Hair: so are you actually busy?

[20:47]: Steve Rogers: not busy

[20:47]: Steve Rogers: pretty much never actually busy. My schedule is mostly just going to the gym

Steve did have some friends but most of them were in relationships and some had kids. It was just Steve by himself. It made it hard to go out with them that much.

[20:48]: Princess Soft Hair: you want to come over now?

[20:50]: Princess Soft Hair: not gonna tease me again?

The man with Bucky was practically trying to crawl up his ass and Bucky knew that if he didn’t leave now, he might just fuck him out of boredom. Bucky didn’t always make the best judgement calls when it came to sex but he was also always horny. It wasn’t a good combination. 

[20:51]: Steve Rogers: no teasing. I do want to come over. Do you want me to shower first? I didn’t shower at the gym

[20:52]: Princess Soft Hair: well that depends on what we’re doing. Because I would prefer you cleaned off if you plan on getting in my bed

[20:53]: Princess Soft Hair: or I can meet you at a restaurant that’s open late and we can just hang out. You don’t have to shower for that.

[20:54]: Steve Rogers: I kind of want to sleep with you.

[20:55]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah then shower

Bucky did his best to get out of the party as promptly as possible. He wanted to escape the clutches of this still nameless random guy without him getting angry or trying to convince him to stay. It worked fairly well, all things considered.

He texted his address to Steve quickly and then got back to his apartment as fast as possible. He needed to get everything ready and make sure it was all perfectly clean. He needed to make a spot for Steve’s shoes and coat, he needed to fill some water bottles and slice some apples, and he definitely needed to check that he had lube and condoms.

Meanwhile, Steve showered and spent so long deciding on what to wear. He knew he was going to be naked with Bucky but he didn’t want to go over to his house looking less than presentable. He eventually settled on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeve gray t-shirt. Although, he wanted to wear sweats really badly.

Bucky, on the other hand, took off everything he was wearing and put on only a pair of baby pink yoga pants. He was shirtless and his ass was cupped in the pants and that’s all he really needed. He also set the speakers in the apartment to play soft lo-fi music for them. He usually had some sort of music playing. And his cat Tatum was already hiding in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. He wasn’t happy about all the noise.

Steve picked up flowers on his way as an apology for being such a dummy. He knocked on Bucky’s door and was surprised to see him in his shirtless state. But he wasn’t complaining at all. He looked amazing. He waited for Bucky to close the door behind him then he gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. “You look good,” he said and handed the flowers to him. “These are for you.”

Bucky adored flowers. He always tried to keep fresh flowers around the apartment, and he had definitely made several flower crowns in his life. He was pleased as punch to get a bouquet of gorgeous pink and red carnations from Steve. “I look nice?” he questioned because he was just in yoga pants alone. “These flowers look nice. They’re beautiful. Thank you for them.” Bucky retrieved a vase from the cupboard and put the flowers on the table so he could see them from the kitchen and the living room.

Steve took a look around the apartment and noticed a few things. First of all, there was a lot of pink. That wasn’t a surprise. There was also hardly anything on the walls. There were a few prints in frames and one puzzle. But otherwise, the walls were clear. Everything was also very neat, almost compulsively so. It seemed like there wasn’t a single carpet hair out of place.

Steve also noticed Bucky. They had rushed so much during their initial time together that he didn’t take time to stop and really appreciate what Bucky looked like. Despite his slender frame and soft edges, he still sported some muscle underneath the skin. He had fairly strong and impressive thighs for his body, and his calves weren’t lacking either. After all, he did use to be a dancer.

“You do look nice,” Steve said and admired the vision in pink before his eyes. He was also so happy that Bucky liked the flowers. Carnations must’ve been a good pick.

“You smell nice,” Bucky answered and got closer to him. He appreciated a freshly showered man. “Do you want anything? Need anything to eat? How was your evening?” Again, with some small talk.

Steve nodded. “Showering does help make me smell nice.” He smiled down at him and added, “My evening would have been better if I hadn’t fibbed at you like that.”

“Yeah, well. Mine probably would have been better too,” Bucky agreed, slightly grumpy for a second because he would have preferred to sit on Steve’s lap all night instead of some handsy stranger.

“Can I make up for that?” Steve asked. He still couldn’t stop thinking about Bucky being held by someone else, and now all he wanted was to hold this soft princess all night to get rid of any lingering notions of that other man. He wanted to kiss his neck and wrap himself around him and just be tangled together.

Bucky giggled quietly and touched Steve’s chest. “Yeah, you better.” He would gladly take snuggles from Steve. “But you didn’t answer. Do you want anything to eat? Or water or something?”

“Water, please.” Steve had already eaten a protein bar on his way over. He wasn’t hungry. 

Bucky, being the accidental soccer mom that he was, already had water bottles, orange slices, and apples ready for them. Sex could wear someone out, after all. “Do you want any orange slices too?” he asked as he handed him the water bottle.

Steve laughed too and took the bottle. “I want to say yes because you’re so darn cute.”

“Well, I have a lot. So, you can have as much as you want.” Bucky offered out the bowl of oranges with some lemons interspersed in to keep them fresh.

Steve took the bowl, but gave Bucky a vague little pout as he held it. “First give me a kiss?”

Bucky bit his lip in a grin. Steve had pretty much earned it with the lovely flowers he brought. He reached his gentle hands up to Steve’s face and held him close for a second before pressing a tiny, precious, little kiss to his lips. “Happy now?”

“Much happier,” Steve answered. He moved one hand to cup Bucky’s cheek and the other to graze slowly down his side and middle. He loved touching Bucky’s naked skin and feeling his warmth. It made him so calm.

“I guess this can wait until later,” Bucky said and took the bowl from Steve again and put it back in the fridge.

Steve shook his head and caught the fridge door before it closed and took out one orange slice. “Hey, that could have been an isolated touch. Maybe I do want fruit.”

“Oh, okay, well, fine then.” Bucky crossed his arms in mock frustration and waited with his hip cocked. Steve just loved teasing him, it seemed. Sometimes in a serious way, sometimes in a joking way. Bucky didn’t mind the joking way.

Steve ate the piece of fruit and tossed the rind in the trash before going back to Bucky. He ran a hand gently over the end of his hair and smiled. He really wanted to know what sleepy bed-head Bucky looked like. He assumed it was a gorgeous sight, unmatchable in the known world. “I mean, what do  _you_ want?”

“I’m not sure... what are we doing? Movies and cuddling? Or straight to the bedroom?” Bucky brushed a thumb over Steve’s lower lip then kissed him again, more sternly this time.

Steve didn’t want to just go right to fucking. He felt like this moment deserved more, Bucky deserved more. “Let’s cuddle for a bit?”

Bucky and his butt in yoga pants led Steve over to the couch and sat him down. “What do you want to watch?” He produced a remote and turned on Netflix on his TV. He had most of the streaming services and liked to have something playing in the background if he didn’t want music that day.

Bucky sat down on Steve’s lap – a move made partly to replace the way he sat on that other guy’s lap. Steve was more than accommodating and he wrapped a protective arm around his middle and held him secure. “Something that doesn't require full attention to understand?” He was thoroughly distracted by this beautiful man on him. He fanned his hand out over Bucky’s tummy and just felt the soft, soft skin there. But then he decided skin-on-skin was best so he quickly removed his own shirt before returning to his position.

There were plenty of options for mindless actions movies so Bucky picked one at random and set the remote down. He knew neither of them were going to care about it or pay that much attention to the TV anyway. “You’re really warm. Like your body is a furnace.”

“Thank you?” Steve wondered if that was a compliment. He responded by moving his hand up Bucky’s body and slipping his thumb, accidentally, over Bucky’s nipple. Though, it wasn’t really that much of an accident.

His nipples were definitely sensitive spots for Bucky, and he wasn’t able to stop the interested hum that came out of him. “Yeah, it's nice - your really hard body and warm skin and gorgeous eyes.”

Steve blushed a rosy color at the praise. Bucky was such a flirt. But Steve felt like he was no contest to him at all. “ _You_ have gorgeous eyes, Bucky.” He was all soft smiles and careful hands. And he wanted to show off for him all the time now. “Turn around?”

Bucky let out a little curious yip and turned around to face Steve, straddling him now. “What?” he asked, touching his face and giving him all his attention. 

Steve smirked and literally flexed his arm muscles just to see Bucky as he saw him do it. He was red in the face again because it was kind of embarrassing. But he knew Bucky wouldn't judge him or laugh at him either.

Bucky didn’t find it laughable at all. He swallowed thickly and shook his head in disbelief. “You’re so... goddamn sexy.” He took him all in and added, “Like, Jesus fuck, you’re hot.”

“Thank you for thinking that.” Steve moved to hide against Bucky’s chest for a moment and he laid a few kisses on him for good measure.

“What? Do men not usually think that?” Bucky couldn’t believe there was any way anyone didn’t think Steve was stupid hot. 

“I mean, I mostly get comments like that in bed,” Steve mused about it. It was the first time he had really thought about it. But then again, he hadn’t really spent much time with men outside of sex or intimate settings.

“Oh, well, you’re so gorgeous. But you’re such a kind man, too. You know?” Bucky wanted Steve to know he liked him for more than just his body. Maybe people only wanted Steve for his body and didn’t stay for his personality. Bucky didn’t want him to think he was like that.

Steve wasn’t all that used to accepting compliments, so he just moved in to kiss Bucky again, closer, hand in his hair. One of Bucky’s barrettes was falling out and his pants had sort of slipped down a little so his ass was hanging partly out too. Steve’s hand slid lower and lower down Bucky’s back like he had detected that there was exposed skin he could touch now. He laid his hand on his ass and just let it rest there teasingly.

“God, Steve, there’s something about you that really gets to me. You know that? I don’t know how you do it.” Bucky said. “But it’s like you touching me is ten times better than anyone else.”

Steve swallowed and blinked a few times. Bucky did things to him too. He made his heart stir and clench and whine for more attention. “Yeah? Good. I want you to feel good,” Steve said, trying to be casual and not desperate like he was feeling. 

“Thanks.” Bucky giggled again. “I’m really glad you texted me.” Translation, ‘I’m really glad you contacted me before I decided to fuck anyone else tonight.’ He would have severely regretted being with that other random guy tonight.

“Was the movie that bad?” Steve asked, also noticing they were ignoring their movie too. He also caught on that Bucky preferred him over whoever the alternative was tonight.

Bucky shook his head and sighed. “No. It wasn’t really the movie. Just the guys. Some of them were old friends of mine but their friends or boyfriends or sugar daddies were there too, and some of them were getting on my nerves.” Bucky’s circle of friends was almost exclusively queer. Mostly because he did so much queer activism, and the people around were typically also queer themselves. Also, dancing in a gay club helped.

Steve also had some queer friends. But none of them knew he was queer too. Steve didn’t really ever tell anyone. He didn’t really like to flaunt it or anything. That was a big contrast to Bucky. Steve was a Kinsey six who thought he was a three. 

“I’m glad that I texted you then. I’ll try my hardest not to annoy you tonight. I’ll make this good,” Steve said, already worrying that Bucky would change his mind and prefer the party over him.

“You don’t annoy me,” Bucky countered seriously. “Intense, rude, super tops who think they are better for not taking it up the ass and think they can insult me and still get me in bed - that’s what annoys me.” He was also annoyed at himself because he continually fell for it, too. He would just let people berate and degrade him, and then still fuck them.

Steve’s brows furrowed and he squared up like he was ready for a fight, to beat someone up. “Who insulted you?” he asked sternly.

“It’s nothing. Nobody. It’s okay. It just happens,” Bucky said and smiled softly at Steve. “People tend to have problems with me sometimes. It’s fine.”

“I don’t like that,” Steve said bluntly. He wanted to know who these people were and how many he needed to fight now. He didn’t think it was fair to insult Bucky, or anybody.

Bucky just shook his head again and rested his hands on Steve’s chest. He wondered why they had stopped kissing and started talking about this. “It’s okay. I promise. It’s not a big deal. I can handle it.” Bucky could take care of himself. And he would have punched that guy if he’d said anything worse to him. But what he did say was small potatoes in comparison to other thing he’d heard, so Bucky just left it alone.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that.” Steve was mildly petulant because he didn’t get to stand up for Bucky in person.

Bucky chuckled at Steve’s grumpy face and tone. He could tell he was upset about injustices just like Bucky was. “I can fight for myself when it’s necessary. Trust me.”

Steve kissed Bucky’s forehead in a show of support. He was still upset, but he did trust Bucky. And he supported him too. He would back him up if Bucky said he needed it.

“Are you gonna make out with me now?” Bucky asked. “You’ve got your hand on my ass.”

“What’s wrong with forehead kisses and me having my hand on your ass?” Steve asked with a grin. Although, he sort of knew the answer. It was because he was getting worked up like a boyfriend would. And they weren’t that. Not at all. 

“Nothing. It’s just that we had a rhythm going and then I made you get this little crinkle in your eyebrows because you were mad someone was rude.” Bucky gently smoothed out Steve’s forehead and sighed contently. He liked that Steve cared so much.

Steve had to tell himself that this wasn’t forever and he needed to stop getting so attached to Bucky. This was only temporary. They could be friends after, but this intimacy wouldn’t last. “You’re amazing. I just don't understand why anyone would be rude to you.”

“Well, I guess I'm alright once people get to know me. But I'm pretty prone to people being rude in the beginning,” Bucky said.

He was so damn enamored with Bucky that Steve was overlooking the sort of obvious reasons that people would have problems with Bucky. “You’re far better than alright,” he said and finally moved his hands on his ass some more, feeling him and kneaded him. 

Bucky was relieved. The touches indicated to him that they were dropping this for now and that was good. He wanted to be touched and kissed now. He also sort of assumed that Steve understood the problems people would have with his lack of gender-conformity but Steve just didn’t want to bring it up. Then again, Steve only really saw him in work clothes so far. And pink yoga pants weren’t too far out of the norm.

Steve brought Bucky in for more kisses and he pulled his pants down so Bucky’s bare ass was sitting on his lap. He moaned into Bucky’s mouth and slipped a finger between Bucky’s cheeks just to feel how soft his skin was there too.

“Bedroom?” Bucky asked. Steve was already undressing him the rest of the way, and he would prefer to be in his room for that.

“Yeah. That’s a better idea,” Steve agreed even though he didn’t even know where Bucky’s room was. 

Bucky wondered why they weren't moving but then he realized Steve hadn’t been there before. “Oh, right. It’s the second door. The first door is the bathroom.” He gestured down the hall.

Steve nodded and lifted Bucky up with no problem. Now that he had directions, he could get them to bed, fast. He might have also wanted to show off to Bucky that he could lift him like this so effortlessly again.

Bucky giggled wildly and wrapped his arms around Steve. He was suitably impressed. “Don’t hit your head on the door frame. You might be a little tall for it.”

“Bucky, I’m not that tall.”

“Okay, then don’t hit my head because you’re carrying me and I'm taller than normal and it feels weird being this high up,” Bucky countered like he was challenging Steve. If it wasn’t a headboard, he didn’t want to bang his poor head on it.

“I won’t hit your head on the door frame. Or any part of you on the doorframe,” Steve said and successfully brought them through the door injury-free. “See? Told you.”

“I just wanted to make sure. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I bruise like a peach.” Bucky was a bit of a fragile guy. But he could wear his pantyhose and have princess hair and bruise easy but still try to beat the shit out of rude people until he couldn’t stand anymore.

Steve shook his head and laid Bucky on the bed gently. “Bruises are not the kind of marks I want to leave on you. Unless they are pre-negotiated.”

“Ooh, well, what kind of marks do you want to leave on me?” Bucky was very intrigued now. He stretched his arms up to show off and wiggled a little in his pants that were almost off of him now.

“You, uh, you said you... like that, right?” Steve asked. He was buzzing because he remembered Bucky had told him once that he liked having his ass slapped. That would come in handy.

Bucky leaned down and yanked his pants off all the way and set them on the ground so he was all naked now. “Yeah, yeah, I do. I like that,” he said. “I like being handled a little roughly. Not so much that it's like too painful, but a little sting is good.”

On the one hand, Steve felt like Bucky was a precious gift and no one was allowed to touch or look at him wrong or hurt him. But on the other hand, Steve was surprising himself with how much he thought he could do measured roughness like that.

“Is that okay with  _you_?” Bucky asked, just making sure Steve was even okay with being a little rough. “Because we don’t have to at all.”

Steve snapped out of the thought and said, “Yeah, Yes, I’ve never gotten rough before.” He had had partners who thought he would be into it so he had done some minor things but nothing too intense or rough like that yet. “I mean, I have, but not in a good way like this. I’ve had some partners slap me before. But they didn’t really ask. But I would like to do this with you.”

“Oh, wow...” Bucky mumbled, trying not to totally touch on the fact that Steve said someone was rough with him even though it wasn’t pre-negotiated. “Well, we won’t do anything unless we both agree. Okay?”

Steve didn’t want Bucky to get the wrong idea. He wasn’t sure how to explain without telling everything about the way things were with people he had slept with. It wasn’t like it was something that was upsetting to him too much. But he did like that Bucky was worried for him. “That’s good. I like that.” 

“I don’t ever want to hurt you or overstep or anything.” Bucky took this very seriously. “If anything I say or do is too much – even if it's, like, a compliment you don’t want or too much contact at work or whatever – you tell me to back off.”

“You have a deal. And you have to do the same.” Steve had never been with anyone who wanted to make all these agreements like this. He really appreciated and admired it. 

“I promise.” Bucky smiled happily up at him. “So, now how about you get undressed and I'll be right back.” He hopped off the bed and went to check himself in the bathroom mirror. He fixed his barrettes so they weren’t falling and he brushed his teeth just in case. He wanted to make sure he was cute as humanly possible right now. He also rubbed his nipples so they got hard and irresistible to touch.

Steve already thought Bucky was irresistible with his barrettes askew and his nipples untouched and anything else Bucky was worried about. But he didn’t say anything when Bucky went away. He just stripped down and stood there for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he should sit or lay down or stay standing. He stared down at his dick for a moment and willed it to do better. 

Bucky stared at himself too and was actually a little nervous. He shook it from his head, though and hustled back into his room. He was more put together but with a pink blush all over his body, it seemed. “You look amazing,” he said when he laid eyes on Steve. “I like seeing you on my bed like that.”

Steve blinked at Bucky and his mouth fell open a second. He wanted to say,  _I look amazing. Bucky, look at you!_  But he knew that wasn’t a very chill response. “How are you so pretty?” he settled for instead. “It’s like the longer I look, the prettier you get.”

“Lotion,” Bucky answered with a shrug. It was how he kept his skin so soft all the time. But he also had the first inkling of a doubt that maybe Steve was into him because he was pretty and soft and feminine. Maybe that was why he liked him. He was a type and Steve was chasing it. Maybe.

“Come closer so I can touch you again?” Even if all those things were part of the reason Steve liked him, it wasn’t the whole truth. Bucky was more than his body to Steve, just like Steve was more than his body to Bucky. Bucky was a wonderful person no matter what he looked or felt or how he presented. He was Bucky and that was amazing. 

Bucky was a little unsure of why Steve hadn’t yet brought up that Bucky was how he was. Maybe Steve just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Bucky wasn’t sure. But he did walk over to him, making sure that his butt was in reachable distance. He wanted him so badly. He wanted him to touch his ass and hold him and have sex with him. It sounded perfect.

“Hi, Gorgeous,” Steve said, happy as anything to have Bucky so close. He finally got his hand back on his ass like it was its rightful place. 

“I really think you look amazing all the time,” Bucky said. “But you look really fucking good naked.”

Steve was so flustered by the compliment that all he could do was ask, “Is your lube in your bedside table?”

Bucky chuckled and gestured to the nightstand. “Yeah, it is. Condoms too.” He trailed a hand down Steve’s neck and chest and asked, “How do you want to do this? I’m okay however.”

“Position-wise, you mean?” Steve asked. He loved that Bucky was touching his chest. He worked hard for his pecs and he quite liked them so he was glad Bucky did too.

“Yeah, position. But also who is topping and stuff,” Bucky answered. He liked to have a plan.

Steve blinked and paused for a second. He was a little surprised he had the option not to top this first time. He knew Bucky was a switch but with how Steve’s body looked, he assumed he would be expected just to top anyway. He wasn’t sure what to say. He appreciated Bucky so much already.

“Steve?” Bucky asked softly. He was concerned that he hadn’t said anything yet. It was kind of unnerving.

Steve shook himself out of it and said, “Uh, yeah. What do you want to do?”

“Well... I’m asking you.” Bucky touched Steve’s face gently and gave him a little encouraging smile.

“Uh...” Having just this option was proving too much for Steve to handle. He kissed Bucky’s palm, knowing full well it would give away that he was trying to stall for time to think. He also knew he needed to stop being so weird about it. But it was a little difficult for him to think right now.

“Do... do you just want me to decide?” Bucky asked. But he didn't want that either. He wanted this first time to be Steve’s choices and decisions they both approved of. “If you close your eyes right now, what do you see us doing right this moment.”

Anyone else would have just snapped at Steve. Or at least, the people in his experience would have. Once, when he asked a partner if he could bottom he was told, ‘Your cock is such a waste if you bottom.’ Like all he was was a good dick. But Bucky was calm with him, he wasn’t demanding to just telling him how it was going to go. He understood. “I’m taking your cock,” Steve said, confident but with undertones of uncertainty so Bucky could say no to him if he wanted to.

“Okay, good,” Bucky said with a big grin. Steve made a decision. That was a good sign. “How do you want me to do it? Soft and slow and gentle? Or do you want it a little hard and intense? On your back or on your knees?”

Steve’s heart clenched and had the first outrageous glimmer of wanting to love Bucky. No one else would have been this cool about this. But Bucky was. “Soft. Uh, on my knees.” He wanted to see Bucky but there was also that stupid lingering fear that Bucky wasn’t really into it. So, knees, it was.

“Yeah? You sure?” He just wanted to double-check with Steve. “I am more than happy to give you my cock tonight.”

“What’s better for you? Position, I mean,” Steve asked. His nervous energy was finally thawing out into anticipation. It had been a long time since he got fucked.

“I don’t mind. Honest to god, Steve. It’s whatever you want to do most, okay?” More little touches and gentle kisses to Steve’s neck and chest. Bucky liked how Steve smelled so much.

Steve thought for a moment. Maybe he could ask to be on his back. He could look at Bucky. It would be fine. “Maybe I changed my mind about the knees thing.” He was definitely more sure of himself this time.

“Yeah, of course. On your back, then?” Bucky thought it would be nice to face Steve too.

“Yeah, on my back.”

Bucky nodded and moved away to get the lube and condoms. “Get comfortable, then.” He hoped his dick wouldn’t disappoint Steve. It was a healthy, average sort of size. It meant well but it wasn’t anything close to Steve’s. But he did know how to use it.

He got the condom and lube and then returned to Steve. His hands found his thighs and massaged over them and down between them and up his inner legs. “You seem on edge a little bit. Are you okay?”

“Sorry. I’m okay,” Steve promised. “Just getting ready. I’m okay.” He was just getting a little overwhelmed with how massively considerate Bucky was.

Bucky nodded but he was still concerned for Steve. “You can tell me to stop at any point. Even if we are right in the middle of it and you change your mind. I’ll stop.” He stopped for a moment and looked at Steve’s big cock again. “Steve, you don’t actually bottom too much, do you?” He assumed that’s where the nervousness was coming from.

Steve blushed hard and touched his dick absently a moment. “I don’t get to that frequently.” He tried not to sound pathetic when he said it.

Bucky took Steve’s hand away from his dick and wrapped his own around it carefully. “I’m guessing with this, dudes expect you to be topping all the time, right?” Bucky was sad for Steve, if that was the case. Men did the same thing with him for bottoming because of how he looked.

“You guessed right.” Steve was far less uncomfortable talking about it then he thought he would be. Bucky was too good to make him feel bad. He pushed his hips up into the touch, wanting more.

Bucky kept one hand on Steve and used the other to warm some lube between his fingers. “I really like trying to keep things as close to an even trade-off as possible.”

“Good. I do like topping. Just not every single time,” Steve said and let himself calm down now at the strokes Bucky was giving him.

“I’ve got you,” Bucky whispered and pressed a finger to Steve’s rim. “May I?”

Bucky kept doing things that dragged Steve in further and further and he didn’t even know it yet. This was going to be hell once it was over. “Please,” Steve whispered back.

Easing his first finger in slowly, Bucky moved down on Steve a little to kiss and lick his abs. Steve had to take a second to get used to the finger. It felt weird. Not a bad weird, but that tried and true ‘first finger up the ass’ weird that he was fond of anyway. “If you want to... you can mark me up,” he said and looked down at Bucky.

Bucky just gave a grunt of acknowledgment because his mouth was occupied with licking the muscles of Steve’s hips and pelvis. He was also meaningfully fucking his finger in and out of him before adding a second, followed by a light nibble on Steve’s hip.

“ _Bucky_ ,” Steve moaned. They were barely into it yet and he couldn’t keep Bucky’s name from his lips.

Bucky, likewise, couldn’t keep Steve’s cock from his mouth. He added in another finger carefully as he sucked on the head like he just missed the taste so damn much. He stayed like that until he thought Steve was ready to be fucked. He pulled away so he could put the condom on and lube up his own dick. “Are you ready, Handsome?”

Steve’s internal monologue was much different than what he chose to say. Inside, all he was thinking was,  _I need you_. But, he said, “Yeah. Please. Give it to me, please,” because he thought it sounded less desperate.

Bucky pushed his cockhead against Steve’s hole and gently but meaningfully eased himself all the way in. He hadn’t been inside someone in so long. It was like a goddamn heat wave that shocked his system because Steve’s ass was so tight and hot and slick and perfect and, god, he needed this.

“Don’t move yet, please.” Steve didn’t figure Bucky would move yet, but he wanted to stop him before he did. He needed a moment to get ready and adjusted. Bucky’s dick wasn’t as big as his, sure. But it was big enough to matter, a new but much welcome intrusion. And he knew they were going to do this again, but this was the first time together, and that was significant to Steve.

Bucky rested his arms on either side of Steve’s head and just watched him for a bit, hovering there over him. “Man, it’s like just earlier I was texting you about this tight ass and now I’m deep inside it,” he said softly. “You’re warm and safe and smooth.”

Steve just stared back at him happily. “You feel so good inside of me. It feels perfect.”

“I feel pretty perfect right now, too.” Bucky wanted to fuck Steve now. He didn’t want to move too early, but he did want to get going too. “May I move?”

“Uh-huh, please.” Steve said ‘please’ so much.

Bucky was really cautious and slow as he pulled out to the head and then pushed back in just the same way, testing the water a little bit. Then he actually started to roll his hips and let his cock come in and out of Steve’s ass over and over finally.

Steve was fairly noisy. He let out little soft gasps and whines. He spoke only to curse or say Bucky’s name. He was just so gone on him right now. 

Bucky was so in the zone with this actual love-making to Steve too. He moved smoothly and swiftly in and out with a good rhythm and went so deep each time. His lips were attached to Steve’s neck and collarbone and he sucked hickeys and gave him small bites. He didn’t even consider that he might have to cover them up for work.

It honestly didn’t take much longer for Steve before he was blowing his load up between them with a low grunt. Getting fucked so well with all the other attention and care just did it for him, and he couldn’t hold it in at all. Bucky was just so good to him.

Bucky gave a low, pleased chuckled in response. He knew he could be good at this. But he also loved that face Steve made when he came. It was adorable. He reached to scoop Steve’s come in his hand and then lick some from his fingers. Then he smeared the rest into his own chest, tweaking his nipples with come-covered fingers.

Steve hadn’t even considered that as a possibility, so his brain was on overdrive at the sight of it. “You’re so hot?” It sounded like a question because he was so amazed that anyone could get hotter every second like Bucky did.

“Thank you, Sweetheart,” Bucky said, letting out a term of endearment as his thrusts got slightly more charged and quicker. He was about to come and come fast. “Want me to come in the condom or on you?” Steve’s chest with come all over it would look beautiful.

“On me,” Steve said hastily without a second thought. He wanted his come on him so bad. “On me.” 

Steve sounded so eager and that was so lovely to Bucky. And it was the last thing he needed to hear too. He pulled out so quickly and clambering on top of Steve to sit and yank off the condom. It was just in time too, because he immediately shot hot streams of come over Steve’s chest with one strong one getting him over the mouth.

Steve found that he liked that approximately a thousand times more than he thought he would. There was that initial blink of shock because Bucky’s come was on his chest and face and it felt amazing. He tried his best to lick what he could reach. His tongue was just close enough to get some and Bucky tasted so good.

Bucky gasped and panted because coming always took it right out of him, and now he felt like he could just curl up and go to sleep. “Fuck... so good...” He wiggled back down Steve’s body and licked off the come he left there until he was all clean. “How was that for you?” he asked and rolled off of him.

“God, perfect. Probably the best sex of my life,” Steve said. He wasn’t even kidding. It really was the best sex of his life. Bucky was so attentive and careful the whole time. “Was it good for you?”

Bucky didn’t really believe it. Steve must have had better. They just had a quick fuck, that’s it. “Yeah, it was great for me, Rogers.” He snuggled up to him, his crotch pushed against his side and his arm draped over him. He wanted to get comfortable.

Steve absolutely loved having cuddle time, especially after sex. He got comfortable next to Bucky and gave him a peck on his forehead. Bucky was the best. He hummed softly and pet his hands down Bucky’s soft hair. He had to work through all this information and new experiences. He was going to get to sleep next to this adorable bean for a few months and that was invigorating.

It didn’t take Bucky long to fall asleep on Steve with his arm tossed over him and one leg mixed up with Steve’s. Bucky slept like an octopus. His limbs would sprawl out all over and he got tangled in blankets constantly. He was a little hard to contain sometimes.

Steve was still awake for a bit and he gently muscled Bucky around so he was little spoon. Steve wanted to hold him close and tight and keep him warm. And Bucky’s crazy limbs were a little easier to hold in place like this – not that Steve minded at all. Bucky was perfect to him already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky woke up in a bit of a confused state. He wasn’t used to having anyone else in his bed. He had to remind himself that it was just Steve and he was safe. But once he did, he felt Steve’s face pressed to his neck and he smiled warmly. Steve smelled nice and his arms around him felt so secure. It was really lovely, and that kind of surprised Bucky. 

He rolled carefully in Steve’s grasp so he could face him. Steve was still asleep and Bucky took a few seconds just to watch him breathe. His mouth was parted slightly and his lips looked soft and inviting. Bucky touched his hands to Steve’s cheeks and then pulled them back so he could tuck up under Steve’s chin and rest his head there. He decided that was where he lived now – right up against Steve, being warm and comfortable.

Steve woke not long after. He blinked awake and squeezed his hold on Bucky for a moment before letting go and looking at him. He didn’t feel the usual discomfort or slight shame that he normally did the morning after bottoming. He just felt good. Bucky made him feel good.

Bucky smiled softly up at Steve. “Morning, Rogers,” he said. 

“Morning,” Steve answered and moved his legs to stretch. “Wow, I’m a little sore.” He wasn’t in pain. But he hadn’t had a dick inside him for a long time so the feeling was always renewed after every time.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, right?” Bucky checked. He didn’t want to hurt Steve ever. And Steve had told him that he wasn’t normally bottoming, so he was nervous that Steve pushed it too far.

Steve shook his head. “No, it’s a good sore. You definitely didn’t hurt me. I’m okay.”

Bucky pulled Steve in for a long kiss. Bucky liked to apologize with kisses. “Good. I’m happy.” He kissed him again, slower. “Do you need any medicine or anything?”

“Nah. Just more kisses,” Steve promised and ran his hands over Bucky’s sides just to feel him. “I do have a question, though.”

“I might have an answer,” Bucky said. “What do you need?”

Steve blushed, now thinking maybe his question was stupid. “Did your parents actually name you ‘Bucky’? Because I used to think you were called ‘James’ but no one calls you that at work so maybe it was a mistake in the work call-sheet?”

“Oh, uh, no. Not technically,” Bucky said with a grin. “I mean ‘Bucky’ is my name but so is ‘James’. My name is ‘James Buchanan’. ‘Bucky’ comes from that.”

Steve hummed and nodded. He wasn’t really sure what he was expecting. But that wasn’t really it. “Oh, okay. I like ‘Bucky’.”

“You don’t like ‘James’?” Bucky asked. Most people were fine with that, and ‘Bucky’ was the odd one.

“I don’t dislike ‘James’. But you’re ‘Bucky’,” Steve said. Bucky just didn’t seem like a ‘James’ to him at all.

“Yeah, I get that. My dad still calls me ‘James’. He picked the name so he wants to use it.”

Steve squinted and tilted his head to the side. “You don’t even seem like a ‘Jimmy’. You’re just ‘Bucky’ through and through.”

Bucky giggled and touched Steve’s neck again. “Don’t tell my brother-in-law that. He likes calling me ‘Jimmy’ sometimes. It’s not too often but, from time to time, he does.”

“Oh, you have siblings?” Steve asked. If Bucky had a brother-in-law then he had to have a sibling somewhere.

He wasn’t sure how it happened exactly but now he was opening up about his life and his family to Steve. “Yeah, I have a sister. She’s two years younger than me. She’s got a husband and a little son. They're all so great. I love them to death.”

“That’s good. That’s great, Buck,” Steve said. And he was happy for him, too. Family was important to Steve and he didn’t have any anymore. He was happy that Bucky got to have a good family.

“What about your family?” Bucky asked quietly like he already knew the answer but he wanted to make sure.

Steve closed his eyes for a moment and looked up again. “Uh, it’s just me.”

“Just you?” Bucky questioned. “No siblings? Your parents?” Again, he thought he knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from Steve just to confirm his suspicions.

“No. Just me. I was an only child. Both of my parents passed away.” Steve sighed. He didn’t really like to talk about it. It made him upset to bring it up. He missed his family. 

“Oh, um...” Now that he had heard it, Bucky didn’t know what to do with it. What could he say to that? Was there even anything  _to_ say? He kissed Steve again carefully and let his eyes close. He hated that Steve was alone. “I’m sorry. Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have asked.” Bucky stroked his thumb over Steve’s cheek and shook his head. He really should have left it.

Of anyone who knew about his parents, Steve didn’t so much mind Bucky knowing. Bucky was safe. Steve felt comfortable with him. He wasn’t as nervous to discuss it with him as he was with other people. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. And I asked about your family so. It’s been just me since freshman year of college. I’m used to it by now.” He didn’t like it, by any means. But he was very used to it.

Bucky just touched his face some more and held him and tried to make up for it. He felt so bad because he knew how much he valued his own family, and he couldn’t imagine being without them. It would destroy him. “Can I ask what happened to your parents?”

Steve nodded. “I can't remember the last time I spoke about them with someone.” He paused and then finally said, “My dad died when I was thirteen. He had been sick. It wasn’t long. We found out it was terminal and it was only weeks after the diagnosis that he passed.” He took another pause and wiped his eyes. “My mom died right after I turned eighteen. Right before I actually left for college. I think... I think my dad was her soulmate and she just couldn’t bear life without him.”

Bucky was a deeply empathetic person. His eyes went wide and he just stared into Steve’s own. He tried to tell himself not to cry, this wasn’t the time to make things about him and how he just cried at everything sad. Steve needed him to be strong and keep the focus on him. But Bucky could understand, at least a little. The only major loss he had experienced in his life was a grandmother whom he was very close to. But he couldn’t imagine losing a parent. He couldn’t possibly understand Steve’s grief and loss. “Steve... I...”

“I’m sorry. It’s first thing in the morning. We should be talking about something fun and easy and light. Not this,” Steve said and wiped his eyes again gently. He wasn’t crying, but they were misty.

“No, no it’s not your fault in the slightest. I asked. I just don’t know what to say. I have no experiences like that. And I want to help but I don’t think I could.”

Living like this was normal for Steve. Living with a big hole in his chest was normal. He had been without his family for a long time. “I don’t think it’s something you need to help with. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to? If that makes sense.”

“Yeah, I think I understand that,” Bucky said, trying to work it out in his head as much as he could. But he wanted to help. And he didn’t know what would help. Would more cuddling help? More kisses? Talking about it? Talking about something else? He didn’t have the first clue.

Steve moved to pet Bucky’s hair again. He seemed to like it a lot and it was soothing to Steve too. “You look confused,” he observed, not derisive or anything, just an observation.

“Because I want to help and I don’t know what would help you right now,” Bucky responded quickly with a curt huff. 

Steve smiled a vague, little sad thing and said, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Now he was trying to reassure and placate Bucky. He wanted Bucky to know he was there and he was safe and fine. He was only a little sad. He was still there.

“Hey...” Bucky started tentatively. “I really care about you. Okay? I know we don’t know each other a whole lot and we are doing this whole cuffing thing but I do care about you. You’re a good coworker and a good cuffing partner and a good friend. And I’m here for you.”

Steve’s eyelashes fluttered slightly and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Bucky. He wondered if Bucky did it on purpose – this whole thing where he makes him feel like he could shatter but also feel so complete at the same time. “I care about you, too.”

“So, we can talk about something else now. But I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything on your mind.” Bucky was a good listener most of the time. 

“Thank you. I appreciate that. And you can talk to me too. I don’t want this to be a one-way thing,” Steve said, already regretting that this would eventually end. It was almost like no one good for Steve could stay.

Bucky smiled back at him and sat up. He wanted them to be happier right now. “Let’s talk about something else. Like a getting-to-know-you.”

“Okay, you go first.” Steve sat up too and crossed his legs on the bed. He settled a hand on Bucky’s waist. He simply wanted to be close to him.

Bucky thought for a moment. “Mmm, how old are you?” He knew roughly how old Steve was but not his exact age. 

“Twenty-six. When’s your birthday?” Steve asked.

“March tenth. I was supposed to be early May. I was premature as a baby.” Bucky never did grow as much as he was supposed to. He was always stunted a little more than the other kids his age. “What’s your middle name? You know mine.”

“Grant. So, Steven Grant Rogers.” Steve was going to remember Bucky’s birth date forever. “Where are you from? Are you from around here originally?”

“Indiana, actually. I was born there while my parents were on a six-month business relocation. Then once it was over, we came back to New York. What was your major in college?”

“Business Administration.” Steve pulled a disgusted face. He hated his degree and the whole experience of getting it. “Tell me your major?”

“I had two. Analytic geometry and a chemistry/physics hybrid degree.” 

Steve just blinked in surprise. Not that he didn’t think Bucky was smart, but that was a totally other level than he was anticipating. Bucky was really smart. 

Bucky added, “I’m still trying to figure out what to do now, though. But I’ve been doing accounting for so long. So, I’m not sure. Anyway. What was your first kiss like?”

“Awkward,” Steve said. “But isn’t everybody’s? It was soft, though. Like hand-on-face ‘I’m going to stare at you for too long and it’s gonna be uncomfortable before we actually kiss’ sort of kiss. I was sixteen, I think. How old were you when you had your first kiss?”

“I was fourteen. It was Stella Goldblum. We were in a school play and every day in rehearsal we just didn’t do the kiss. We wanted to wait until the show because we just didn’t want to do it over and over. So, the first night of the play was almost over and it was the final scene and I was reunited with my one true love and we kissed for less than two seconds and then the lights went to black.”

“I’m going to steal the next question too. Then you can ask me two to make it fair,” Steve said with a smile. “Did you do theater? Or was the play a one off?”

“Yeah, I did theater.” Bucky kind of figured it was sort of obvious that he did drama. “I wasn’t very good with the acting, but singing and dancing I could usually do pretty well.”

Steve nodded and brushed his hand over Bucky’s knee gently. “I’m about to ask you a third question. But that’s not fair. So, I’ll wait.” He really liked sitting here all quiet and calm with Bucky and just talking.

Bucky grinned back at him and shook his head. “Okay. Just save it for a second.” He had a little realization that they were both still naked on the bed. He liked that they were comfortable enough together to do that. “Did you do any sports? And what was your favorite elective in school?” he asked, giving two questions as negotiated. 

“No sports. I hit my growth spurt late, so I wasn’t exactly jock material,” Steve said. He didn’t have to even think for a second about his next answer. “Art. Always art.” Steve had taken as many art classes in high school as he could, even the advanced classes. He was even accepted into the studio art college at his university but he didn’t end up pursuing it. He was so heartbroken after his mother died that he just didn’t feel like he could do art anymore. He gave it up. “Will you sing something for me?”

Bucky lit up when Steve mentioned art. “Ooh, what kind of art?” He also said, “And, no, I will not.” He gave Steve a little smile so he knew it wasn’t personal. He just got so embarrassed singing in front of people.

Steve pulled a sad, begging face in return, hoping it might persuade Bucky but he then moved on. “I used to draw a lot. I kind of suck at everything else.” He really didn’t. He was good at painting. He wasn’t half bad at digital. He was even pretty good at ceramics. He was just so good at art because he devoted the time to practice it and be patient. Or, at least, he used to. “Do you sing in the shower?” He hoped he could catch him singing at some point.

“It’s possible,” Bucky said slyly and glared at him. Bucky definitely sang in the shower from time to time. “Can I see some of your art?”

Steve paused. He hadn’t shown his art to anyone in years. He hardly looked at any of it himself. It just served to remind him of all that he lost. “No,” he answered simply and looked down. 

Bucky could tell this was a sore spot. He hadn’t meant to make him upset. But he knew it wasn’t personal about this either. So, he tried to push them past it. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Cashews,” Steve answered, looking up again. He was grateful that Bucky didn’t ask again or try to pry. He wasn’t ready for that. “When did you get your first tattoo?”

Bucky bit his lip and looked a little bashful. He pointed to one on his chest of a little flower that was severely faded. “Sixteen. This one,” he said like he was trying to say, ‘Yes, I know that’s not the legal age but this wasn’t quite a legal tattoo.’ He also knew that some of his tattoos were really dumb. He regretted a few. And several were made back when he was a dancer and was making poor decisions in the light of seeking attention. “What was your first job?”

Steve ran his hand over the tattoo gently. “Campus Starbucks. Coffee drinks were really my passion for a while and it wasn’t a necessary thing. Not at all. Kind of dumb.” He stared up into Bucky’s eyes and asked, “Why are your eyes so pretty?” It wasn’t really a good question.

“Well, my mother is a woodland nymph and my father is a mermaid. So, I’m pretty and cute because of that,” Bucky replied jokingly and kissed Steve again through a laugh.

“Okay, that explains more than just your eyes,” Steve answered. Bucky was really too perfect to be human. He wouldn’t be surprised if Bucky was the first real case of an angel on earth or something like it. 

Bucky giggled and scooted a little closer to Steve. “What’s your favorite place in the world?”

Steve thought for a second. His first gut instinct was to say, ‘Right here with you because you make me so happy.’ But he knew he couldn’t dare. “It’s a secret,” he said instead.

Bucky straightened up and pulled his shoulders back like he was partially offended. “Oh, well. Maybe my answer to your next question will be a secret too,” he sassed back with a good-natured little huff.

“What’s your favorite sweet thing to eat? Dessert or main courses,” Steve asked. For some reason, Bucky struck him as the type of guy to like sweet things a lot. 

“I’m not sure. I don’t really eat a whole lot. But I do like ice cream from time to time. I do like sweet Thai dishes. But I don’t eat it too much,” Bucky answered. “Do you have any hidden talents?”

“I have a really good memory,” Steve said, knowing full well how lame of an answer that was. “What’s your favorite color?”

“That’s your talent?” Bucky asked in disbelief. “That’s not a talent. That’s just lucky.” Bucky shook his head and sighed. “It’s pink. But I feel like you should have figured that out already.”

Steve shrugged and gave him a wide-eyed stare. “What? Maybe you’re just acquainted with all my talents and they’re no longer hidden. That’s my answer.”

“No, I don’t think that’s it. Give me a real answer,” Bucky protested. He wasn’t going to settle for that.

Steve blinked a few times and shrugged again. “Do you want me to make something up?”

“No. I want you to dig for something. Think about it.” Bucky believed Steve was special even if Steve didn’t believe it himself. “But I can ask a different question for now, if you want.”

“Yeah, please.” Steve wanted to ask if it wasn’t obvious that his hidden talent was fooling someone as wonderful as Bucky into thinking Steve himself was special at all.

Bucky thought for a while again. He let his hands roam up and over and around Steve’s thighs. “What’s the one most important thing you want to do with your life?” he asked, not quite realizing how deep of a question that was. 

 _Love someone who stays._ Steve took a deep breath and responded, “I think... I want to be in love.” He hoped that answer was satisfactory to Bucky this time. 

Bucky hummed and let his hands creep further up Steve’s thighs. “I like that answer,” he said with a nod. He really hoped Steve found it. That was all he wanted for him now.

Steve blushed deeply – both because of how silly he thought it was for him to say that out loud, and how lovely it felt to have Bucky’s hands on him like that. “What would your answer to that be?”

There was a long halt as Bucky looked to the side and thought it over. He wore a smile for a few beats and then it faded into a blank expression when he realized he didn’t know. “Um... I guess I’m not sure.” Being loved seemed like a good one. But he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“That’s a good answer. You don’t have to know right now.” Steve whispered. He could tell Bucky had been blindsided by it. “That’s okay.” He ran his fingers through Bucky’s dark brown hair. 

Bucky shook his head. He was pretty surprised he didn’t have an answer. “I’ve just always sort of jumped from one thing to the next after a while. I’m just unsure about what I want as my stable life.” He went from being in high school, having dreams of being on Broadway and in Hollywood, to being a dancer, with goals to be the best of the best. Then he went to college and had grand ideas of getting his doctorate in physics and chemistry and geometry and discovering something major. Now, he was just barely surviving his accounting job. 

“Well, maybe it’s better to do that than stick with one thing because it feels safe,” Steve said, knowing full well that was exactly what he tended to do so much. His dreams and goals died when his mother did. All his passions and skills and desires went away and all that was left was grief, loneliness, and confusion.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I guess. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do.” Bucky shook his head. He wanted to move on. He got the sense that neither of them really knew what to do with their lives now. He pressed his hand to Steve’s abdomen and said, “I only have one more question for now.”

Steve’s eyes rolled back for a moment and he sighed contentedly. Bucky’s hands on him were always welcome and he just felt so good and safe like this. “Yeah? What is it?”

“You wanna have sex again?” Bucky asked. His eyes were dark and hooded and he was biting his lip hard.

Steve nodded eagerly and leaned in for another quick kiss. “Yes, please. I want to.”

Bucky leaned into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Steve. He moved down to his neck and licked a line over his jaw before kissing it as well. “How do you want it this time?”

“I chose last time. It’s your turn,” he said and moved his head up so Bucky could be in an easier position to kiss on him. 

Bucky shook his head. “Well, I want to make sure you’re comfortable and everything.” Hostess Bucky wanted to make sure his guest was happy. “We could just do oral for each other. No mess or fuss. Or I can be inside you again but rougher this time. Or you can lay down just like this and I’ll ride you.”

Steve gasped as he pictured just how gorgeous that would be. “I want you to ride me.” He needed to see Bucky on him like that – bouncing and beautiful. But he also felt a little like he kept having Bucky do all the work. Bucky sucked his dick, Bucky fucked him, Bucky was going to ride him. “Is that... okay? I feel like I haven’t done any of the heavy lifting.”

“Well, yeah, that’s okay with me.” Bucky had been the one to suggest it after all. “But if you would rather do the heavy lifting this time then I’m okay with that too. See? This is why I asked what you wanted too.”

Steve nodded – he was on the same page as Bucky now. “So. Can I fuck you? However you want?”

“However  _you_  want.” Bucky slipped his hands over Steve’s and brought them to his chest so he could feel him. He grazed Steve’s fingers over his own nipples and groaned quietly.

Steve moaned back at him because Bucky was so attractive and even the noises he made were phenomenal. He kept brushing his thumbs over his nipples, over and over. He took this moment to think about what he wanted. He was also glad he was with someone who wasn’t shy about talking about sex and who didn’t make him feel stupid about it at all.

Bucky grinded down against Steve. He panted slightly, getting more worked up at Steve’s fingers on his chest like that. His nipples were so sensitive. “Steve, what do you want?” he asked again, wanting Steve to just communicate his needs.

Steve opened his mouth finally and said quietly, “I really want to fuck you. Have you in my lap, sort of? Like I just want to hold you close and fuck into you.” He nodded once and moved forward to replace his fingers for his mouth on Bucky’s chest. 

Steve’s mouth was about ten times better than his fingers and Bucky gave a sharp hiss of a gasp in response. “Yeah. Let’s do it that way. Yeah. My ass is all yours, Rogers,” he said hurriedly and gripped Steve tightly to him.

Steve absolutely loved how sensitive Bucky was. He kissed Bucky’s chest a few more times before kissing up his neck all the way to his mouth again and then planting a messy, warm kiss to his lips. He grabbed the lube that had been discarded on top of the bed stand the night before. Steve adjusted Bucky in his lap and then coated one finger heavily with lube. He wasn’t in a teasing mood right then. He knew Bucky needed this and he needed it as well. There wasn’t any time before he was easing his first finger all the way inside him gently. 

Pupils blown out and giving a high-pitched whine, Bucky praised Steve with a few more kisses. He loved having Steve’s finger up inside him so quick. “Fuck. Thank you.”

“Tell me when you feel ready for another?” Steve asked. He sometimes took more time than necessary to prep the guys he slept with.

“Okay, I will,” Bucky promised with a breathy voice and his eyes closed. “Don’t worry though. My ass can take a lot.” He let his head fall back for a moment then he came back and added, “Anything you like being called?”

“Um,” Steve hummed and pushed a second finger inside Bucky just as carefully as the first. He spread them apart slowly and started to work Bucky open. “I’ve never thought about that.” It was true.

Bucky was severely curious about what Steve might like. They hadn’t yet really covered options for things like kinks or interests. “Has anyone ever called you something in bed you liked at all?”

“I mean...” Steve stopped and shrugged. His sex life wasn’t always the best for him. He had been unlucky with partners a lot before. But he didn’t want to kill Bucky’s boner so he just kissed him instead of saying anything more. 

To his credit, it really worked to distract Bucky. He momentarily forgot he had even asked the question. He was so focused on kissing Steve and feeling Steve fingerfuck him a little harder now. He brought his hands to Steve’s hair and tugged through it, pulling just a little. “I’m ready for a third. Fuck me open, Steve.” He gripped tighter to him and added, “You’re so beautiful and you’re so fucking good at this.”

Steve stopped and looked at Bucky for a while. He had called him beautiful. And Steve didn’t realize he would like that so much. He gave Bucky a third finger then and spread them far as was safe. “You’re too... you’re perfect. You’re so hot and tight.”

“Uh-huh,” Bucky moaning, eyes fluttering, so desperate for more. Bucky knew he was tight and good. He also knew he could take more. “More, Steve, more.” He needed more fingers, more movement, more of Steve.

Steve didn’t question it. Bucky knew himself. And Steve trusted Bucky wouldn’t ask for it if he wasn’t ready for it. He reached to pour more lube on his fingers, then he eased four back in and immediately started to fuck in and out quickly.

Bucky could hardly breathe, let alone speak. He let his head loll back again and he moaned and whimpered in all the best ways. After a minute or so, he reached for the condoms and brought one to Steve. He pushed it against Steve’s lips and managed, “Come on. Now. Please.”

“Can you put it on me?” Steve asked, hoping Bucky could manage that in his state right now.

Bucky nodded and tore the wrapper off. He stared down at Steve’s dick and had a moment where he actually forgot just how long and thick he was. But he snapped out of his stupor so he could slide the condom down his shaft swiftly. He wanted Steve’s cock so badly right now.

“You’re ready?” Steve double-checked. He didn’t want to go on without Bucky being absolutely sure.

Bucky nodded wildly. “I’m ready! I need it. I need you. Please fuck me. Ruin me.” He sounded so wrecked already.

Sliding his fingers out of Bucky, Steve said, “Shh, hey, Baby, hey, Pretty. I’ve got you.” Steve wasn’t entirely sure where all that came from but he wasn’t going to question it right now as they were about to fuck. He lifted Bucky up so he was better positioned for him to slide his dick in. Steve pressed the head in and felt just how tight Bucky was around him already. The rest of the cock followed with a slow trail up inside him.

Bucky felt the stretch even though Steve’s fingers had done a proper job of opening him up. He whimpered at the gorgeous feeling and wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders. “Fuck me.  _Steve_...” He eyes watered ever so slightly at the pleasurable pain of having Steve’s monster of a dick inside him finally. It was all so perfect. 

“Are you okay? Am I hurting you? Should I stop?” Steve asked hurriedly. If Bucky was hurting that overrode any need that either of them had. 

“No, no. I can take It. I can take it. It feels good,” Bucky assured him. He pressed his forehead to Steve’s. “Just give me a second here.”

Steve slipped a soft kiss over Bucky’s lips to show him he wasn’t in a rush, Bucky would get all the time he needed. He also couldn’t fathom how amazing Bucky felt around him. He was tight and hot and wet and just nothing like any other guy he had been with. Maybe that was partially due to how much he liked Bucky himself. But Steve didn’t really think sex could be this calm and passionate and amicable.

“I feel so full of you right now,” Bucky said in a whisper. “Just got this huge rod of a cock up inside me and I fucking love it. I love this. I love being here with you.” He moved slowly up on his dick a little and then sat back down again, just to test it out.

Steve’s heart fluttered. Bucky said, ‘I love you’. Sure, there were other words in between. But Steve was going to just take a moment to pretend that someone loved him. And having it be someone as wonderful as Bucky, that was pretty amazing. He held Bucky close and secure and began to fuck into him with a steady but not harsh rhythm. He had one hand on Bucky’s cock and was stroking it in time with his muted thrusts.

Bucky returned the sentiment by moving his arms up so he was anchoring himself on Steve’s shoulders. In this position, he could more easily leverage it so he could fuck himself down on Steve too. “You have the most mesmerizing eyes.”

Kissing Bucky’s neck, Steve kept pretending Bucky loved him. He didn’t see any harm in it. He was just living out a fantasy that he could be loved. And Bucky would never know so, it was okay. “You’re so gorgeous. I’m so lucky,” Steve gasped.

“Think we both got lucky here, Rogers.” Bucky smiled wide at Steve but he was feeling a little ruined already. “You sure you don’t want me to call you anything?” he asked through his own moans. As a former go-go dancer, he was used to having men want to be called all manner of things upon request. Bucky didn’t have a problem with that at all, usually. 

Steve fucked up into Bucky a little harder for a few moments like he was trying to decide whether he should say what he was thinking or not. He finally did. “I... no... the massive amounts of bad sex I’ve had haven’t yielded that.” It wasn’t the sexiest answer and he knew it.

“Mind if I try some out?” Bucky’s opinion on this whole thing so far was that it was a temporary cuffing situation that wouldn’t last too long – and it was already a bit of an act in some ways – so, why not do a little role-playing around, too? “How about ‘Sir’ or ‘Master’? Babe? Daddy? Stud? Officer? Soldier? The list really goes on and on. I’m used to them all, really.” He paused when Steve hit his prostate dead on and he couldn’t quite add anything for a second. 

“I’m not into ‘stud’,” Steve said breathily. Why was it so much easier for him to say what he disliked rather than what he did? He wondered if something was wrong with him.

“Okay, me neither,” Bucky giggled. “I dated a cowboy once. He liked that a lot.”

Steve tried not to mess up his rhythm but he was feeling a little erratic. But somehow talking while fucking was helping him not need to come as fast. It was like it was just enough distraction for him. And he had never been with anyone who talked through sex like this. Bucky was pretty unique in that regard. “You dated a cowboy?”

“Yeah, for about a year?” Bucky wasn’t super ashamed of it, but he was a little ashamed. They spent a lot of time at country bars and that was a lot for him to handle.

Steve nodded and finally gave Bucky what he wanted to be called. “How about we stick with ‘Babe’ for now?”

“Of course, Babe,” Bucky said with a soft smile before giving Steve another warm kiss. It shut him up for a little bit too.

Steve was still so enthralled with Bucky. It was like he couldn’t feel uncomfortable with him even if he tried. No matter what, Bucky made him feel safe and calm and... home. Even if he was embarrassed, it wasn’t that bad. Steve pulled off the kiss for a moment to catch his breath. He cursed softly and picked up his pace inside Bucky. It didn’t take long before his mouth was back on Bucky’s and Bucky had his tongue inside tangling with Steve’s. 

Steve wanted Bucky to come soon. He knew he was getting dangerously close with all the fucking and making out. But he didn’t want to come first. He wanted to get Bucky off, then come. He could tell Bucky was getting close too. Once they took another break from kissing, Bucky didn’t pick up with talking again, he just nestled his head on Steve’s shoulder and panted hot breaths on his chest. Bucky was so strung out on this. And there was always that chance that, after he came, Bucky would just fall asleep on Steve before Steve was even finished. He always got so tired after coming.

Bucky whined into Steve’s neck. He only really needed a few more thrusts and then he was gone. His teeth clamped down on Steve’s shoulder as he shot come between them. The bite was a bit of an accident. He liked biting his partners but, usually, it wasn’t so without warning. 

The bite really helped push Steve over the edge, though. He came with a sharp, “Buck-  _Bucky!_ ” The condom filled up with come and he jolted slightly at how forcefully Bucky got him to come. 

Bucky’s arms were still tight around him and his teeth were still firmly in his skin for a few more moments as he came down from it. “Fuck...” he gasped and slumped against Steve more – his cock still inside him.

“That... you’re so perfect,” Steve said. He was trying to work out in his head whether this was just a fluke or not. But it had to be real. They had two great fucks and he didn’t come out of either feeling like he was used or unhappy.

“Uh-huh...” Bucky’s brain hadn’t yet come back on board. “ _You_ were perfect.” Bucky didn’t realize he probably bit Steve too hard and it was going to leave a little mark. He was so focused on how lovely it felt to have Steve pet his hair like this. It was so comforting. “Good start to the morning. Although, I could fall right back to sleep. I need those orange slices now.”

“Good thing you have so many.” Steve chuckled. He didn’t slip out of Bucky yet. He really should have, but he wanted just a few more moments like this – all warm and secure inside him.

They stayed like that for a little bit as Bucky tried not to fall asleep. After a while though, he felt too sweaty and really needed a shower. He pulled off of Steve and felt how stretched and sore he was. “Fucking hell... I’ll feel that for days,” he groaned.

Steve understood that feeling all too well as he touched his shoulder gently. That bite mark would bruise for at least a day or two. He didn’t really mind though. “Should I get going?” he asked and disposed of the condom.

“Huh? What?” Bucky was confused. Why would he want Steve to leave after he just fucked the daylights out of him?

Steve shook his head. “You, uh, I thought you might have other things to do.”

Bucky was so desperate for Steve to stay for some reason. “If you wait for me to be showered and dressed, I’ll buy you breakfast.”

“Okay. Okay. Breakfast.” Steve smiled. He had a dumb glimmer of hope in his chest that maybe Bucky liked him for more than the cuffing. But he knew he needed to stop that.

“I just need to shower first because I’m a walking disaster right now.” He slowly rolled out of bed and stood up on wobbly legs. “I’ll be back a few minutes. You can rest or have some oranges or whatever.”

Steve waited for Bucky on the bed. He flopped down and put his hands behind his head. He needed to get his head straight and act normal. So much happened already with this. But Bucky wasn’t in love with him. This wasn’t a relationship. Bucky was the princess he wouldn’t get to keep after three and a half months. And he didn’t want to think about that right now. 

Bucky got himself showered quickly. He put on a nice long pink t-shirt with velvet cuffs and one of his good pairs of pantyhose. He then put on a fuzzy grey cardigan that went down further than the shirt so it hit below his knees. He checked himself over in the mirror and added a few barrettes to his hair to keep some of the fly-aways back. He paused at the door to his bedroom with his hand on the knob. This was going to be a bit of a moment of truth for him. Steve was used to seeing him in his professional work attire with slacks and sweaters or in yoga pants and hoodies. He hadn’t yet seen Bucky in his favored outfits. Bucky was worried Steve might see him and how he presented and then back out of this whole thing. And that would be devastating to Bucky.

The door opened and Bucky stepped out. Steve sat up in bed immediately. Bucky was gorgeous. And he didn’t really think about how others might not agree with him. Others might perceive Bucky in a totally different way. But Steve loved it. “You’re so pretty. Like I said, you just get prettier every time I see you.” He sported a deep red blush as he surveyed Bucky. He was so cute. And Steve got to be with him. He got to sleep with this adorable princess. He was also a little jealous that Bucky was so damn confident to just be who he was. But he would never admit that.

Bucky’s shoulders lifted and he took in a swelling breath. There were butterflies in his stomach at the compliments. He was so happy that Steve liked how he looked. He might have been confident, but he was also very worried. “It’s not too much... for you?” he asked like he was worried it was too much of a deviation from masculinity for Steve to handle. Lord knows other men had felt that way.

“No?” Steve was confused. They were friends. Why would a friend say anything even if they had a problem with it? Even if they were actually dating, if he had something to say about it then they shouldn’t be together. “You look beautiful.” He was still blushing a little and he hid his face in his hands for a second because he was embarrassed, thinking he was laying it on too thick.

Bucky opened his mouth and then closed it again. Maybe Steve didn’t get it. Maybe Steve didn’t get what he was trying to ask him. Bucky hadn’t laid it out word-for-word so maybe Steve wasn’t understanding what people had a problem with. “You... you get why I’m... different, to people, right?”

Steve took a few seconds to think before nodding. He understood. But it didn’t bother him at all. Why would what other people assume or judge about Bucky change his opinion about him? Steve was wholly accepting of Bucky. It would have been nice if he could be accepting about himself too.

Bucky wanted to double-check so he straight-up asked, “So, it isn't a problem to you that I act and dress and do things in a way that’s seen more traditionally as feminine?” Bucky fully believed that stereotyping genders was total bullshit. But he also knew that wasn’t really accepted by everyone and the labels were a big deal in society.

“It’s not. It’s really, really not. I like it.” He liked it because he liked Bucky. Anything about Bucky was good because it was him. But Steve didn’t realize how it might have come across. It could have almost sounded like Steve was specifically into the feminine thing for ulterior reasons. But neither of them thought about that just yet.

Bucky just gave a half-smile and a nod. He figured Steve must also agree that gender conformity didn’t really make sense. “Put on some clothes, Rogers. Let's go get breakfast.”

“Can I take a shower? I’ll be fast, I promise.” He was feeling pretty sweaty too. He also wanted to smell a little bit like Bucky after using his body wash. Bucky’s favorite was his cherry blossom one, and Steve could smell it on him a lot.

“Yes. You can shower. Of course. I’ll wait.” Bucky showed him where the towels were and then went to wait on the bed for him to get back.

-

After Steve finished up with his shower, he got dressed back in his clothes from the day before. He looked surprisingly less rumpled than he could have. Bucky gave him another slow kiss and then led him out of the apartment. He locked it up, and then noticed Steve shove his hands in his pockets and stand about an extra foot away. But he just shook it off for now. He didn’t need to wonder what he was thinking. He didn’t need to be in his head.

“Where do you want to eat?” Bucky asked and put his own hands in his coat pockets, his scarf falling down around him, yet carefully draped.

“Someplace that has waffles?” Steve asked. He didn’t usually indulge himself much at all, not with food, at least. He also really wanted to touch Bucky. He was right there and he looked so cute. But he was decidedly not going to do that. 

Bucky nodded and gestured down the street. “Sure. There’s a good diner down a few blocks,” he said. “What’s the rest of your day like?”

“I’m planning on staying in and reading,” Steve said. He also wanted to have a few hours to just think about all of this. 

“Huh... what are you reading?” Bucky asked. He thought it was kind of sad to just sit inside and read all alone. But then again, Bucky only ever read about political and social issues. He wasn’t much of a fiction reader. He had no idea who Katniss Everdeen was or why there was a vampire craze in the late 2000s.

Steve would read pretty much anything, but he was a big fan of historical non-fiction. He also liked poetry but it usually made him feel sadder. “Um. Not sure yet.”

“Well,” Bucky started. “I was just thinking you could bring your book to my place. I’m going to be making some blankets to take to my family for Christmas.”

“You’re making blankets?” Steve was surprised. The perfect princess Bucky was even more astonishing. He could make blankets. “I’ll just go to my place to get a change of clothes and my book. How’s that?” More time with Bucky seemed like a good idea. He kind of wanted to glue himself to this man for now.

“Yeah, I just need to finish sewing the edges on most of them.” Bucky was very good at sewing pretty much anything. He had even made some of his own clothes.

Steve smiled over at Bucky as they walked. He had this strange, sudden feeling of wanting to draw. He wanted to draw a picture for Bucky. Maybe one of Bucky. But that feeling quickly went away as they got to the restaurant. It was a strange sort of diner. Customers went to the counter to order and then they sat down at their preferred table to wait.

“Waffles and an egg on a piece of toast,” Bucky ordered for them. “Also, orange juice and Steve, coffee? Juice?”

“Hot chocolate. With whipped cream,” Steve spoke up. It was his treat day, he decided. He would work out longer tomorrow. He also noticed that Bucky didn’t order much for himself. Then he thought back on lunches at the office and realized Bucky didn’t ever eat that much – maybe a few carrots or apple slices. He was curious about it. But he didn’t think it was his place to ask. Besides, he also had his own weird food habits. 

“Okay, hot chocolate,” Bucky said and paid for the whole thing before Steve could have a chance.

“Let me get you back next time?” Steve asked. “I ordered more food than you. You shouldn’t pay, Bucky.” But then he stopped and wondering if maybe this was a date and Bucky was paying – even if it was a cuffing date.

“Sure, Rogers. Next time,” Bucky conceded. But he did like to pay. And he was the one who asked Steve to come to breakfast. He shook his head and smiled up at Steve. Then he found a spot off in the corner with some privacy. “Let’s sit there.”

Steve sat down and put his chin in his hands. He just watched Bucky for a few minutes. He was sort of wondering what fascinating thing Bucky was about to do next. 

Bucky noticed him staring and pushed his foot against his leg under the table. He wanted Steve’s touch all the time, it seemed.

Steve tensed for a moment and looked around. But he relaxed once he realized no one would be able to see what Bucky was doing. “What are you thinking about?” he wondered.

“You, mostly.” Bucky was honest about it. “I’ve really enjoyed these few days so far. And I'm thankful that you texted me last night.”

Steve gave him a private little smile. He really liked Bucky so much. “Thank you for wanting me to come over.” Even after he acted like a total dummy through text. “I like spending time with you.”

Bucky reached across the table for Steve’s hand. He left his extended for a moment. It took Steve a few seconds before he squeezed Bucky’s hand back. But it only lasted a hot minute before he was taking his hand back. Bucky was pretty disappointed but he had to tell himself that maybe Steve was just really not into PDA of any kind. Besides, their food was there now and they needed both hands for eating anyway.

They were fairly silent as they ate their breakfast. Bucky only ate about half his egg and toast. He wasn’t very hungry. But he did drink all his orange juice. “So, are we doing Thanksgiving at my place or your place?”

“Yours?” Steve thought that Bucky’s place felt far homier. And he wasn’t sure why.

“Okay, mine then.” Bucky smiled and tucked his leg up to his chest. “What do you want to eat? I usually just make myself some mashed potatoes. But I could cook some turkey or some chicken for you?”

That all felt very domestic. Steve wanted all of it. And his fantasy feeling that someone loved him was back. “I can handle the cooking. I can make mashed potatoes for you.”

“Only if you want to do that. I really don’t mind. I’m the hostess. I don’t mind.” Bucky liked the idea of having Steve in his home for the holidays. “But I don’t mind – whatever what you want.”

“Just show me where things are in your kitchen.” Steve wanted to be able to pretend some more. He could pretend he was making dinner for himself and Bucky and they were a real thing. It would be a little sad but fun.

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, I’ll show you, Baby.” He thought he would let a few ‘Baby’s slip in casual conversation. He didn’t see the harm in it.

And Steve liked it a lot. He really liked it. “Yeah, good.” He blushed red once again.  _Baby._

“What else do you want to do on Thanksgiving?” Bucky wanted to know if they were going to fuck or what?

Steve, however, wasn’t sure they had to mention fucking. He figured they were going to do that anyway. Also, they were in public right now. “Just hang out?” he said quietly, hoping Bucky got the message.

“Yeah? Hang out?” Bucky thought he got it, probably. “Like how? We can do a movie. Maybe play some games?” This would all be pre-fucking, of course.

“Maybe you can run your numbers for spring?” Steve joked. He wasn’t aware that work jokes were very, very lame.

“Oh, maybe I can double-check your department’s quarterlies,” Bucky snarked back and shook his head. Steve was a major dork. Work jokes. Really. 

Steve had a big stupid grin on his face. “Okay. Thanksgiving. We can play games, watch a movie. Those both sound good. I can’t wait.”


	6. Chapter 6

Steve was sprawled out on the couch with a book about the Peloponnesian War. He occasionally peeked over his book to see what Bucky was doing and just to look at him for a second. It was warm in Bucky’s apartment and it smelled just a little of peppermint and sage. Bucky had a candle going in the kitchen. Steve felt unreasonably cozy and he wondered if he should be allowed to feel this nice in Bucky’s apartment yet, or if he had to earn it over time. 

Bucky was down on the ground leaning against the couch. He had his big, light beige reading glasses on and his hair tucked behind his ears. His brows were furrowed and his eyes were squinted as he carefully hand-stitched the edges on a blanket. He had already machine-sewed them together but the edge was very small and needed to be done with a close-up, careful hand so it didn’t get wonky. Bucky was very good at sewing – both by hand and with a machine. He was also severely concentrated. He didn’t want to mess up a single stitch. There was soft, gentle lo-fi music playing in the background and he would sometimes hum to the parts he recognized.

The whole thing was so wonderfully, accidentally, domestic. Steve was happy to be there. It was so much better than being all alone. And Bucky liked the extra company of a friendly body near his. The cat was nowhere to be found but that wasn’t unusual. He wasn’t yet used to Steve enough to hang around while he was there. Steve looked again over his book and just couldn’t help himself as he placed a gentle kiss to Bucky’s head.

Stopping for just a moment, Bucky looked up at Steve. His glasses had fallen down to the tip of his nose just a bit. “Hey there. You need something?” he asked, ever the hostess.

“Nah,” Steve said but lingered there for another few seconds before leaning back to continue reading.

Bucky finished up the blanket pretty soon and gently and carefully draped it over Steve, willing him to be warm and comfy. By the time Bucky was all finished, Steve had four blankets on top of him and then a small child’s blanket on top. That one was for Bucky’s nephew.

All the while Bucky was piling him with blankets, Steve was getting a little hotter and hotter. But he didn’t want to throw the blankets off of him. Bucky was always so cute about placing them on him. So, Steve had started to strip off layers starting with his sweater until he was down to his undershirt, boxers, and socks. He wasn’t going to go any further. These blankets were gifts after all.

Bucky didn’t notice him doing this at all. He finally saw once he was folding the blankets up all nice and neat to be put in packages later. He pulled off the last blanket and giggled down at Steve. “Oh, my god. Did you get too hot? You could have told me to stop.” Steve was a loon.

“But I couldn’t do that.” Steve didn’t think Bucky understood just how cute he was making these blankets and depositing them on Steve. He set his book to the side and opened his arms for Bucky. “I’m cold now, see.” He might have just wanted snuggles.

Bucky let out a soft chuckle and crawled into Steve’s arms so he was facing the TV. He laid his head down on Steve’s chest and snuggled between his legs. Reaching to get the TV remote and a controller, he started up a video game to play for a while to relax.

Steve was in such a good mood. He smiled and placed one hand on Bucky’s stomach. He was feeling very, very snuggly. Stroking Bucky’s hair carefully, he let his fingers glide over one of Bucky’s barrettes a few times.

Bucky chewed his lip and waited. He was worried Steve was about to take his barrette out. He didn't want anyone to touch any of his pretty things or mess with his hair to make it different. It was just one of those things. If someone changed something, that meant they wanted to change him. He was still in his dark black pantyhose and that baby pink t-shirt and big grey cardigan. He had planned this outfit very nicely and he didn’t want Steve or anyone to remove any part of it right now. 

Steve moved his hand off the barrette, unaware it was bothering Bucky. “It’s crooked. It might be my fault it’s crooked. I was messing with it. Can I fix it?”

Bucky was quiet. “Yeah, you can fix it...” He did really like that Steve was more undressed than he was. And he liked sitting in his lap like this too. But he was still uncertain about Steve touching his hair like that. He tried to focus on  _Zelda_ and trust that Steve was simply fixing it and not trying to change anything about him.

Steve’s big gentle hand slipped the barrette out and then replaced it swiftly, in a much neater way than it was. “Okay, there you go. Sorry I messed it up in the first place.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky said with a short sigh. He was relieved Steve put it back. “You think the purple one is nicer than the blue? I can’t decide.” It was sort of a test. He wanted to hear Steve’s feedback on his barrettes to see what he really thought.

“I like them both. They are both pretty,” Steve answered honestly. “Although, the glitter in the blue looks very nice on you.”

“Thanks. I used to have a striped pink one but I can't find it.” The cat had taken it into his hiding hole but Bucky didn’t know that yet. “My hair is also going to be too long soon to really need the barrettes anymore. They are mostly to keep the short strays from going into my eyes.” He knew that barrettes with long hair could be a little much with hair that was as thick as his was.

Steve nodded and touched the ends of Bucky’s hair. “You’re going to let it keep growing?” He was just being conversational and curious. He only realized after the fact that it could be interpreted as a tad judgmental. “I mean, I’m just... it’s your hair. It’ll look nice however you want it. You look nice. You looked nice when it was a little shorter last year too. You look nice now.” He fumbled through his compliments and hoped it didn’t sound as dorky as he thought.

“Thanks... I just like it long. I think it’s better on me. Short hair doesn’t suit me really,” Bucky said. “My sister has short pixie cut hair. Now that mine is long, it’s fun to look at old pictures and see how we switched hairstyles.”

“Ah, yeah, I bet.” Steve touched Bucky’s hair again. It wasn’t quite long enough for a French braid. Steve could braid pretty well – he learned for an art project once. 

Bucky went quiet again and played his game for a while. Steve’s gentle breathing was lifting him a little bit every breath and he liked that a lot. “Do you want to play for a while? Or I can find a game that’s two-player?”

“It’s okay. I like watching you.” Steve meant that literally. He was only really watching Bucky and not the game at all.

“Talk to me about something,” Bucky requested and touched Steve’s hand on his stomach for a moment to anchor himself to him again. 

“I hated my roommates my first semester of college. I made friends with some girls on my floor and they sort of adopted me? Like, I ended up practically living on their couch for most of the year.” Steve radiated some sad queer orphan vibes that they clung on to and wanted to help him. 

Bucky hummed in response. “Why did you hate them? Were they just mean guys? Or not very clean?” Ultra-clean Bucky couldn’t even imagine a roommate situation where everyone wasn’t clean as he was.

“I think I was just used to having been at home and always being considerate of sharing space, you know?” Steve offered. “But... I was also sort of sensitive about a lot of stuff that whole year. And I didn’t feel comfortable being sad in front of people that I knew wouldn’t get it.”

Thinking again of Steve’s loss, Bucky sighed and kissed his arm around him. He felt so sorry for that poor sweet young Steve. “And the girls down the hall were nicer, right?” He wanted to make sure Steve had been treated right by someone at least. 

“Uh-huh,” Steve agreed. “It was just better. It was easier for me. The year wasn’t all that bad, all things considered.” It was weirdly okay. The girls made it a lot better.

“Did you have roommates the next time?”

“Yeah, well, I lived with one of the girls in an apartment that wasn’t that far from campus.”

“Good. That was probably better.” Bucky glanced up at him and smiled softly. “My parents still lived in New York when I was in school so they let me stay at home.”

“When did you start living alone?”

“When my parents moved away.” Bucky had had a bad transition period when that happened. He missed his parents a lot. “I had a good enough job that I could live by myself but I think I needed a push and that was them moving to Colorado.”

Steve filed that information away and asked, “Have you ever lived with other people?” What he was really asking was if Bucky had ever had a long-term relationship with someone where they lived together.

“Not really. I’ve had this apartment for a while and it’s mostly just been me and Tatum. Sometimes guys have sort of make a second home here for a while. Then when it wasn’t really working, they would leave. I’m not entirely easy to live with.”

Steve really liked hearing Bucky talk. He hung off every word. Bucky could have read the dictionary and Steve would have loved it. “I don’t think you’d be that hard to live with.” Steve knew he could follow the rules, no problem. 

“Yeah, well,” Bucky sighed. He shrugged and gestured down the hall where the cat was somewhere hiding. “Ask Tatum. We are very picky about the apartment.”

“I think if I asked him anything, he’d run away. I’m counting it as luck that I've even managed to see him once.”

Bucky nodded like that was pretty much true. “Well, he came out a little earlier. He’s realized you aren't going to try to touch him. He knows I have briefed you in what to do. Besides, he’s a little worried you’re going to hurt me. He’s observing you.”

Steve blinked and shook his head in surprise. “Wait. Is there a precedent for that happening?” Steve kind of wanted to know who he had to beat up.

“Not really. Just one very unfortunate short-time relationship that ended in a night that scared us both a little. So, he’s just making sure you aren’t Simon...” Bucky said quietly and rubbed Steve’s hand reassuringly. 

Steve was quiet. He was a little incensed. He didn’t like that at all. No one got to hurt Bucky. No one got to touch anything on him, not even his princess hair. Steve wished he knew this Simon. He would go kick his ass.

“Anyway... tell me another thing,” Bucky said, wanting to get the topic changed. “Dealer’s choice. Because I’m about to do a boss battle here and I will need to listen to you to focus.”

Steve was still in a state. He couldn’t think of why anyone would want to hurt this precious sweet baby dork. He sighed and tried to push it from his head so he could focus on talking to Bucky instead. He eventually came up with something and ended up talking to Bucky about how all his college friends were now married.

Bucky found himself so pleased to be listening to Steve talk about anything and everything. He wanted to know all about Steve. Finally, he crushed Waterblight Ganon and saved the game so he could pay attention to Steve now. He wanted to talk some more. It was the late afternoon, he had finished his blankets, and he had a cute guy with him. It was a good day.

Steve just stared at Bucky and brushed his thumb over his cheek. Bucky had the prettiest face he had ever seen in his life. “What, Babe?” Bucky asked. He grinned and bit his lip before moving and spreading his legs a little. He wanted Steve to be able to look up his shirt and see his cock through the pantyhose.

Finally tearing his stare from Bucky’s face, Steve looked down in between his legs and just sucked in a shallow breath. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to touch him all over forever. “Stop that,” he whispered but there was a glint in his eyes that said he never wanted Bucky to ever stop. Steve rubbed at his face and keep looking at Bucky’s dick.

“Okay, sorry, I’ll stop.” Bucky chuckled and moved his legs back together, putting his penis away so as not to distract Steve, apparently. “What do you want to talk about now?”

Steve shook his head and licked his lips absently. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes, you may.” Bucky loved that Steve asked so much. Steve was an absolute gentleman. Bucky put his hand on Steve’s chest and leaned in to kiss him. He brought his other hand down and brushed over the boxer briefs to remind Steve he was in his underwear and Bucky was fully dressed. He slotted their lips together but kept his tongue out of it for now.

“Do- do you want to talk? Or do something else?” Steve asked. Bucky’s hand on him was light and he wasn’t moving but it still got him going and he could feel his dick already responding to him.

“That can wait just a little while.” Bucky was definitely okay to have more sex and touching. But he wanted their cuffing to be more than just sex all the time. He wanted Steve to be his friend too. “Let’s just talk a little more. You choose first this time. Whatever you want.”

“Tell me something nobody else knows,” Steve said. He knew it probably sounded like a thirteen-year-old at a sleepover trying to get everyone’s secrets. Ironically, he wanted to know Bucky’s secrets so badly even though he was terrified of his own and would never share them in a million years.

Bucky thought on it for a moment. “Uh, like  _no one_ , no one? Like only me?” He shared pretty much everything with his sister so it was hard to figure out something that absolutely no one else knew.

“Maybe not only you. But tell me something you consider a secret.” Steve let his hand skim over Bucky’s thigh, up and down.

“Okay... a secret... a secret.” Bucky was so often open about things and this was proving harder than he thought. “Oh! I used to take fives from my dad’s wallet when I was in junior high. Only once a month and only in the middle of the night so he was sleeping.” He hoped that counted.

Steve exhaled internally, grateful that Bucky’s secret wasn’t some life-changing revelation. That meant if Bucky asked him the same question then he could give him one of similar caliber. “I’ll take that knowledge to my grave, Barnes.”

“I know it’s not very dramatic. I’m sorry.” Bucky shook his head because his whole damn life was dramatic but he usually wasn’t very secretive about anything super important. “And it’s not really a secret either because my sister knows. And I'm guessing by now she’s told my dad anyway.”

“I didn’t exactly set parameters. A secret is a secret.” Steve smiled and kissed Bucky’s nose lightly.

“Do you have a secret for me, Rogers?” Bucky knew how absolutely third grade this was but he kind of thought it was adorable and pretty endearing. And it didn’t really occur to him that romantic little nose kisses weren’t usually given this many times during a cuffing relationship.

“I was really born in Jersey,” Steve said and giggled wildly like it was the most ludicrous thing in the world and he couldn’t even keep a straight face about it.

Keeping up the faux drama of it all, Bucky’s eyes went wide and he gasped in surprise. “Jersey? Dear god... What happened?” Bucky didn’t quite mind New Jersey but he knew a lot of New Yorkers would disagree. He just thought Steve’s slight embarrassment was so cute. 

“My parents were on their way back home from a wedding out of state and my mom went into labor really fast and they couldn’t hold off to get to New York.”

“You poor sweet baby. Being born in New Jersey.” Bucky’s hands were back on Steve’s abs and his legs again, just feeling him. He wasn’t ready for sex again just yet but he did want to touch him. “Your next question?”

“Did you know that you left a pretty good bite mark on my shoulder?” he asked. Steve had checked it out in the mirror and it was pretty dark. 

“No. When?” Bucky had been in such a post-orgasm high that he kind of forgot he even did that.

Steve moved a little so he could take his undershirt off to show Bucky. “This morning.” Steve loved it, though. He had no complaints. Bucky marking him up was far from a problem to him.

“Oh, wow.” Bucky gingerly touched the mark. It looked like it was still sharp and a little painful. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bit you that hard. Does it hurt?”

“Don’t apologize.” Steve blushed and chewed his lip. He loved it, he loved it. “No, it doesn’t.” It only hurt like any other bruise would. But apparently, Steve was into that now. “You can bite me whenever you want.” 

“Well, I’ll be more careful at least. That’s too hard of a bite. And I don’t want to hurt you like that,” Bucky promised. “And I should be careful because marks in the wrong place might be hard to cover up at work.”

“It didn’t hurt much, I swear.” Much. That was the key word. “But... it might be good to be a little more careful. I think it might be weird if I have to cover my entire neck in concealer.”

“I’ll be more careful,” Bucky repeated like a promise to them both.

Steve nodded and brushed his hand over Bucky’s chest gently. “What was the best date you’ve ever been on?”

“Mmm, well, it’s kind of unusual. As in, most people would say it was a bad date,” Bucky started. “Maybe I shouldn’t say. You’re going to think I’m so bizarre.”

Steve shook his head. “No judgement. I want to know.”

“Okay, fine,” Bucky conceded. “We had just had a really lovely dinner – talking, laughing, a couple kisses. He paid the bill and finished my food for me. It was great. But then I had to head to work so he walked me there and was waiting for me to head inside before he left. But then we see these guys trying to mess with one of my co-workers on his way into work too. And I can't just sit by. I have to do something. Essentially, there was a five-man fist fight going on and my date was like four dudes put together anyway. So, after it was over and I was covered in my own blood and he was sweating and our adrenaline was running high - he pushed me into the nearest bar and into the bathroom and fucked me hard.”

Steve tilted his head, eyes wide. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. But that was definitely not it. He was impressed. And also, a little jealous. “You’re something else, Bucky Barnes.” He gave him the softest smile and touched his cheek. He liked him so much.

“Well... at least it was more dramatic than taking five dollars from my dad.” He knew it was a bit of a crazy story and most people would say it was a date gone wrong. But it had some of his favorite things – standing up for people, fist fighting, and hard surprise sex.

“I mean, and here I thought you’d never one-up that story.” Steve gave him another little nose kiss, and had the thought that he wanted to punch someone with Bucky. Just once would be nice. 

“You jerk,” Bucky giggled and slipped his lips over Steve’s for another little kiss. “Your turn. Best date. Let’s see you top my bloody, violent, ‘fist fight turned bathroom sex’ story.”

“I can’t even try,” Steve said. “I think the only thing worse than my sex life is my romantic life.” Although, the latter was a little his fault. He was just bad at dating and bad at knowing who to date. “I don’t want you getting concerned for me. So, let’s just say that most of my dates are in a competition for least worse and they’re all pretty evenly tied.”

Bucky frowned and tried to think why anyone wouldn’t want to immediately love on Steve. He was great. He was wonderful. He was adorable. Who wouldn’t want to give him perfect dates? “Can you tell me about one? You don’t have to if you don’t want to...”

“Uh. There might be a little bit of an outlier. Not all of my dates have been bad,” Steve started but part of him tried to pull it back before he started. “I mean, some people just have that spark that makes you feel good? Not just about them, but about yourself. And this person might've really had that spark. But... I think I’d like to keep it a secret for a little while, if that’s okay.”  _It’s you, it’s you. It’s right now. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me._

Bucky nodded, a little forlornly at Steve. He thought Steve must have been in love with someone who it didn’t work out with. Steve must have still loved them and couldn’t have them. And that was upsetting to Bucky. “Of course. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

Steve was quiet for a moment before finally nodding. He was a little sad. But he also thought it was a little stupid to be sad. He had no right to be sad. “Thank you.” Basic human decency was sometimes rare for him to experience in any sort of relationship so he was grateful that Bucky was so kind to him.

Bucky wanted to cheer Steve up so, he patted his leg and then hopped up off the couch to get a photo album from the drawer of his entertainment center. He also definitely bent over so Steve could see his ass all tight in pantyhose and looking lovely. He brought the album back and flitted through to find a particular photo. “Sophomore year of college,” he said as he pointed to a picture of him in the softest baby blue tights, oversized ugly sweater from the 80s that just barely covered his ass, and hair that was getting a little longer but was bleached platinum blonde.

Steve was far too polite to laugh. But he did let out a little giggle and held the picture up to better see it. Bucky looked pretty ridiculous. But part of Steve also thought he shouldn’t have looked as hot as he did too. Maybe that was just because he was so enamored with Bucky in general. “That’s, uh, an interesting statement.” Bucky’s hair was so very blonde, so much blonde. Less blonde on Bucky was better, he thought.

“I was trying to figure out my style.” Princess Bucky was doing his best with what he had. He was trying to learn to come into his own and it was difficult. “My high school had a uniform so I didn’t get to really wear my own stuff until college.” 

“I’m a little bit caught up on your hair.” Steve was honest about it. It was distracting. “Also, you just. You have really nice legs. In the picture, but also now.”

“Is that my best feature?” Bucky asked curiously.

Steve’s hands grazed Bucky’s thighs up and down. “I don’t like the idea of saying that you have one feature that’s better than the others. But I do like your legs a lot. Whenever I checked you out at work that’s what I would look at first.”

Bucky scoffed through a smile and said, “Cheeky.” He spread his legs again and put himself on display for Steve more. He was ready to change things up again. “You want to keep talking? Or you want to do something else?”

“If you want me to wax poetic about your legs I can.” Steve’s hands rested on the inside of Bucky’s thighs. He kind of liked the feeling of the pantyhose under his fingers. It wasn’t as nice as Bucky’s skin but it wasn’t bad either.

“No. Please don’t. I would be way too embarrassed,” Bucky said. “I’m not one for poetry about myself.”

Steve’s hand coasted a little higher. He wanted to touch Bucky’s dick but in a non-sexual way at first. “You’ve had actual poems written about you before, haven't you?” He placed his hand over Bucky’s dick gently, just to be able to touch it because he could.

“No. I haven't. I just don’t think I would like that,” Bucky giggled. If anything, it was the opposite. No one went on about how beautiful he was. Men fucked him and then explained everything they didn’t like about his body or his femininity or the way he dressed.

“Okay, okay. Then I won't go home and write lots of shit about you.” Steve had never once written a poem in his life, but Bucky made him want to try. He shifted his hand so he was cupping Bucky’s dick a little more. Steve wanted to get Bucky naked again, but he was a little apprehensive of trying to take anything off right now. He had noticed how tense Bucky was about his barrette.

“Your hand is a little cold.”

Steve took his hand away quickly. “Um. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to... uh...” Taking Steve’s hand in his, Bucky blew hot air on it and moved to put it straight down his pantyhose. He wanted to be touched now. 

Steve got the idea and wrapped his hand around him securely. “You look so good right now.”

“Thank you,” Bucky blushed with the initial shock of heat he always got when he started to get aroused. He slipped off his cardigan and laid it on the coffee table. He was too toasty for that right now. He followed it up by taking his long shirt off too. Now he was just in his pantyhose and Steve was just in his boxers. And Bucky never wore underwear with pantyhose on. He didn’t see the point. “Now I’m hot and could kind of use that cold hand again.”

“If I hold my hand out the window...” Steve joked.

“You dork.” Although, Bucky was tempted to see what it would feel like to have Steve’s cold hands on his nipples and his holding his ass. “You’re hot too, aren’t you?”

“Little bit. Not as hot as you,” Steve joked again with a big grin. “You walked into that one.”

“Yeah, I suppose I did,” Bucky agreed. “But don’t sell yourself short. You are, without a doubt, the most attractive man I have ever seen. I’m not just saying so because you are holding my cock.”

Steve shook his head. He really wasn’t big on compliments. He had a hard time believing them. “You’re flattering me,” he said as he thumbed at the head of Bucky’s cock.

“I’m telling the truth. I don’t tell people things if I don’t totally believe it.”

“Um, thank you then.” Steve believed that Bucky believed it. He just couldn’t believe it about himself.

Bucky’s eyes were bright and needy. “You want to kiss me some more?” He laid back on the couch so he was flat and Steve would be able to hover over him. He wanted to be totally under Steve. 

“I always want to kiss you.” Steve moved over Bucky and noticed how much he absolutely loved this new position above him.

Bucky made some room and lifted his hands to Steve’s face to pull him in for a kiss. Bucky was also very good with his toes. He proved it by wrapping his legs around Steve and getting his toes in the elastic of Steve’s boxers so he could pull them down to uncover his ass. He opened his eyes and saw that he had gotten a surprised eyebrow raise out of Steve. “Now, you’ve got to be pretty hot, right? I can feel that cock of yours pushing on my leg.”

“A little hot,” Steve answered by grinding his hips against Bucky so he could feel him more.

Bucky chuckled deep in his throat and nipped at Steve’s jaw. “Yeah, that cock.”

“How am I supposed to look at you at work and not want to run away with you so that we can be like this?” Steve could have sworn Bucky was some sort of sex god or something. 

Maybe it wasn’t Steve’s intention, but Bucky’s mind was flooded with thoughts of the two of them having sex in the copy room. “You might have to switch desks with someone who can’t see me.”

The two of them continued to grind up against each other, just getting some friction for relief. “That’s not the worst idea.” Steve would hate it, though, because he wouldn’t be able to see that lovely face all day.

“Just trade with someone cute so I at least can still look at someone that I don’t mind seeing,” Bucky joked back without realizing that now wasn’t really the time. “Davidson will do.”

Steve growled a little and leaned in to bite gently at Bucky’s neck. He replaced his teeth with his lips and made a long row of possessive sort of kisses along his jaw.

“God, Steve, fuck,” Bucky gasped. He loved having his neck kissed. “Baby, that feels so good,” he added, already forgetting about the dumb joke he said. “You want to go move this to my bed? We can stay here if you prefer but we need lube.”

Steve popped off Bucky’s neck and stared down at him “You want to do more than this?” He needed Bucky to tell him what he was thinking. 

“Ye-yeah, I kind of thought that’s where this was headed. Did I read this wrong?” he asked and grabbed Steve’s hard dick like he was asking if they should use this or not.

Steve wondered how to explain that he would be happy with an orgasm from anything Bucky wanted to do. “No. Just checking. Let’s go to your bed.”


	7. Chapter 7

When it was time for work the next day, Steve got up and showered and dressed and was almost ready to leave when he stopped. He didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t want to see Bucky today. It was complicated. He just called into work and said he was sick and couldn’t make it. He felt terrible but he really needed to just take a day.

About an hour or so into the day, Bucky texted Steve.

[09:04]: Princess Soft Hair: heard you were sick?

[09:05]: Princess Soft Hair: how do you feel?

Steve opened the message as soon as he got it but he waited a few minutes before responding. He was sad. And he really didn’t feel like having a conversation.

[09:11]: Steve Rogers: I’m okay

[09:12]: Princess Soft Hair: how sick are you?

[09:14]: Princess Soft Hair: its not as fun looking up and seeing your empty desk across the way

[09:20]: Steve Rogers: I'm not going to die or anything

Could someone die of heartbreak and stupidity? Steve wanted to know. He felt like a total idiot. He liked Bucky so much. And this was just supposed to be temporary. He had fallen into thinking they were actually boyfriends and it hurt him to think they wouldn’t keep this up past February. He wondered if maybe he should just call this off now. 

Bucky read the text a few times over. Steve must have been so sick because he usually talked more than this. It was unsettling to Bucky.

[09:22]: Princess Soft Hair: okay well I’ll let you be. Take a nap. Drink water. Text me if you need anything

[09:25]: Steve Rogers: yeah okay. Thank you

Steve did end up leaving the house. He headed to the gym to work out. He needed that distraction. But he couldn’t escape it forever and he eventually returned home. He spent a long time reading over Bucky’s texts. He also spent a solid hour online looking for a new job. He wasn’t going to do anything. He wanted to see his options. After a few hours of moping and thinking, he finally came to the conclusion that it was better to have Bucky for a little than to never have him at all.

After this, he just stared at his phone. He was hoping for Bucky to text him again. He wanted Bucky to say something. When this didn’t happen for a while, he got lost in thoughts of Bucky again. What if Bucky was actually his boyfriend? What if he came over and took care of Steve when he was sick? A lovely, happy, caring nurse boyfriend Bucky.

Then it turned into something else. Steve sat with his head in his hands and wondered if he actually liked Bucky or if he just liked the attention. Was he actually into Bucky this much or was it just because he was so good to him?

Eventually, near the end of the day, Steve sent another text.

[16:01]: Steve Rogers: did you survive?

Bucky responded promptly.

[16:01]: Princess Soft Hair: did you? You're the one who is sick

 [16:02]: Princess Soft Hair: I almost made Davidson move to your spot for the day

[16:03]: Steve Rogers: Maybe I’ll just call out tomorrow too and you can make that happen

[16:05]: Princess Soft Hair: no ill miss you

[16:06]: Princess Soft Hair: I missed you today

[16:08]: Princess Soft Hair: work is far less tolerable when youre gone

[16:12]: Steve Rogers: i just needed a day

[16:14]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah? Stressed about the holidays or something?

Bucky got the sense that Steve wasn’t actually sick. That text was questionable at best. But maybe he was thinking about his parents and just got really sad.

[16:21]: Steve Rogers: something like that.

[16:22]: Steve Rogers: I missed you too

[16:23]: Princess Soft Hair: do you need me to come bring you soup or anything?

[16:24]: Steve Rogers: Im okay

He hoped Bucky was buying this. He wanted him close but he also wanted him to stay away for a bit.

[16:27]: Princess Soft Hair: is it a head cold?

[16:28]: Princess Soft Hair: maybe you are allergic to Tatum

[16:30]: Steve Rogers: not allergic to Tatum. Even though that’s probably what he wants

[16:31]: Steve Rogers: just a thing I needed twenty-four hours for

[16:35]: Princess Soft Hair: sorry Im hovering. I’ll let you go

[16:36]: Princess Soft Hair: see you tomorrow then?

[16:40]: Steve Rogers: you can hover. Its okay

[16:41]: Steve Rogers: yeah tomorrow

[16:42]: Steve Rogers: New Picture Message

Steve just sent a selfie. Sort of to prove that he was alive and well. But he also hoped Bucky would send one back to him. 

[16:44]: Princess Soft Hair: New Picture Message

Bucky was in a necktie and button up. In the picture, he was tugging on the tie. He was so done being dressed in his work clothes. He was ready to get out of them.

[16:44]: Princess Soft Hair: gonna get dressed and go to the store for supplies for our Thanksgiving

[16:46]: Steve Rogers: youre pretty. I feel much better now

[16:47]: Princess Soft Hair: I don’t feel pretty

[16:49]: Steve Rogers: youre always pretty. But I understand why you wouldn’t feel pretty

[16:53]: Princess Soft Hair: yeah well. Just wish I could wear what I want

[16:54]: Steve Rogers: im sorry that you cant

[16:55]: Princess Soft Hair: its okay. You sure you don’t need soup?

[16:55]: Steve Rogers: Positive

-

Steve showed up to work the next day with no signs of sickness at all. After all, it had all been a ruse anyway. Steve didn’t say anything to Bucky either. He just started in on his work without much ceremony. 

Bucky wasn’t too happy about that. He wasn’t sure why Steve was avoiding him. But Bucky decided that he would just avoid eye contact and stuff with him too. He was just so confused. 

Steve wasn’t even really doing it on purpose. It was just a side effect of forcing himself to focus on his work and not be so caught up in thoughts of Bucky. And today he only made one trip to the shredder instead of twenty-one. “Hey,” he said, accidentally sounding aloof.

“...Hey,” Bucky responded, looking up from the newspaper he was reading. Apparently, Steve was going to talk now, during Bucky’s break.

Steve stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. He wanted to thank him for the offer of soup but he knew everyone was so nosy that he couldn’t really do that. “You okay?” he asked instead. 

Bucky was slightly miffed. Why was Steve just now wanting to talk? “I’m good. You feel better?”

“As good as new.” Steve nodded. “Um...” He walked away to shred his papers. He knew he messed up. Bucky wasn’t looking at him really. He knew he needed to fix it, too, but he wasn’t sure how.

He didn’t really need to think of something, though, because Bucky caught him later in the copy room. Bucky went about his business trying to make copies for a little bit and trying not to look at Steve. After a minute or two, he just came out with it. “You’re acting strange. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Steve answered immediately. He made eye contact with Bucky now like he was trying to prove his point that everything was totally normal. 

“Lie.” Bucky stared at him directly. They had both been inside each other, they had both talked about a lot of stuff, they knew each other better now. And he knew that Steve wasn’t okay.

Steve frowned and chewed the inside of his lip for a second. “We’re at work,” he said flatly, trying to get this to stop before it started.

“So, you aren’t okay,” Bucky countered matter-of-factly.

“I didn’t say that. I just... had a hard day yesterday.”

Bucky didn’t get it. Steve always talked to him, even at work. This was so unlike him. “Okay... well. Guess I’ll head back to my desk.” He picked up his copies and sniffled. “Are we hanging out later?”

“Yeah, please.” Steve’s body shifted out of that nervousness once the subject was dropped.

Bucky just wanted him to talk. And he was getting a little annoyed and grumpy now. He nodded once to Steve and headed back to his desk. He didn’t say goodbye to Steve before he left work. He just went back to his place and settled on texting Steve later to hang out.

Steve eventually made it over to Bucky’s. He brought him a large cherry Dr. Pepper upon request, too. Bucky was just sitting in waiting on the couch with plain pink panties and an oversized hoodie on. His soft hair was pulled back into a ponytail. He felt like such a bum. But Steve thought he looked cute as ever.

“Hey, you,” Steve said and set the drink down on the coffee table. “Here’s your soda.” He hoped Bucky was warming up to him again after the day hadn’t been the best.

“Thanks.” Bucky half-heartedly rummaged around his coffee table for seventy-five cents to give Steve for the soda. The TV was playing quietly in the background.

Steve felt like this was kind of awkward still. He pushed his leg against Bucky’s for a moment to get his attention again. “It could’ve been my treat.”

Bucky took his quarters back and dumped them in the drawer again. He was ticked. “Why didn’t you talk to me at work?” he asked pointedly. “You always talk to me at work.”

“I mean. We texted yesterday. You know I was sick. I’m sorry.” Steve still could have talked to him, though, and he regretted it. 

“Yeah, we texted and you were sick. But you didn’t seem sick today.” Bucky knew he was lying about being sick. “So... what’s with the cold shoulder today?”

“It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t really talk to anyone today.”

“Okay, so why?” Bucky asked again. “Something’s upsetting you and you aren’t telling me what it is.”

Steve shook his head. “It’s really... it’s nothing. It’s not anything you did.”  _I’m falling for you and I can’t handle it._

“Can I try to help?” He wanted Steve to just open up about it. “Is it the holidays?”

“I don’t think you can help.” Steve fully believed that if he said anything now, this early, it would mean losing Bucky entirely. And he couldn’t afford that. “I guess it’s the holidays a little.” He always missed his family and was severely lonely anyway.

“Okay... want to just watch TV with me?” Bucky was a little defeated about it. Steve wasn’t going to talk. And Bucky figured he should be grateful that he got even sort of an answer out of him. He needed to move on now. He took a sip of his drink and then handed it to Steve to share.

Steve sighed and took a drink too, before wrapping his arms around Bucky and pulling him in close to cuddle. “Yeah, TV is good.” He relaxed his body and nuzzled Bucky’s neck. Things were always better when he was right here with Bucky.

Bucky melted back against Steve and nestled into his arms. He was pretty happy to cuddle Steve, even if he was still confused about what was upsetting Steve. But he let it be for now. And the minutes turned to hours, and Bucky felt like he could fall asleep.

When Steve noticed that he was getting a little tired, he kissed along his shoulder sweetly. He hoped they could move forward again and Bucky would forgive him for being so distant. Maybe it wouldn’t work, though. But he was going to try. He just wanted to kiss him anyway.

Bucky looked up at Steve with an unreadably somber sort of expression. He was wondering if this had all been a horrible idea. Maybe they should quit this cuffing now. Maybe Steve wasn’t totally prepared for something like this. Maybe, even though Bucky made it clear that it was a short time thing, Steve would feel like someone was leaving him again once it was over. Just like his parents. Doing a temporarily personal and intimate thing with someone like Steve during the loneliest time of year may not have been that smart. And Bucky didn’t want to hurt him at all.

He got really emotional then, thinking about all that Steve had been through. He had dealt with so much in his life already, and he was so young. Steve deserved the world and Bucky hoped like hell that Steve would find what he was looking for. He placed an upside-down kiss on Steve’s lips to reassure him that he was here for him. Bucky would be his stand-in support until Steve found his own family. “Tell me about your future,” Bucky requested and turned so he could better look at him. “What’s it going to look like?”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky again and stared off at the wall as he said, “I want to be with someone. I don’t know if I want to get married or not. That doesn’t really matter to me.”

“Kids?” Bucky asked too. He wasn’t fishing, just trying to make conversation. 

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not sure.” Steve looked back at Bucky. “Do you want kids?”

“Not sure either,” Bucky admitted. “I’ve always considered having like one baby. Just raising it on my own. I’m not sure I could handle raising a kid with someone else. I have a specific way I would want to parent.”

Steve thought Bucky would be a great dad. And he told him so. “You’ll be a great parent,” he said softly. Bucky was so good and understanding and accepting. Those were good qualities to have to raise a child. 

“God, I hope so.” Bucky really would love to have a baby but he was also so worried he would ruin that poor little bean’s life. “I don’t know if I see myself with a husband or anything. Maybe. He would just have to agree with the way I do things. Like share my values really closely.”

Steve couldn’t help but imagine Bucky with a little baby that looked so much like him and loved to sleep on his dad’s chest. “I understand that, yeah. If you’re spending the rest of your life with someone you want them to be a good one.”

“Yeah. And I don’t know many guys who would want to raise a baby the way I would. So, maybe I'll have a kid and no husband. Or a husband and no kid... I don’t know.”

“Maybe not knowing is best. It’s easier to not be disappointed that way?” Steve said. “Or just having a broad idea. I think... I think wanting a person to care about you isn’t too broad.” Steve desperately wanted Bucky to comment on his life plan.

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, I agree. It’s important to find someone to love you.” He touched Steve’s cheek gently. “And I know you’ll find exactly who you need. You’re a really good guy. Anyone is going to be lucky as hell to get you. He will find you.” So far, Bucky had been running under the assumption that Steve was gay. Steve hadn’t mentioned any women or anything so he just made a guess. But now he was wondering if he was wrong. Steve usually used gender-neutral pronouns. So, either he was just really hoping to avoid misgendering anybody – which Bucky really respected and appreciated. Or, he was bi or pan or something. Bucky wanted to see if he could get the answer without having to admit to Steve that he felt bad for not asking and just assuming. “How many relationships have you had?” He also wanted to know how long Steve had been looking for his someone right. 

“Four. Two that were a little longer,” Steve said shortly, not entirely wanting to delve into it too much.

“Why did they end?” Bucky didn’t get that maybe he shouldn’t be grilling Steve about all this past stuff right now.

“Um. I think it’s my fault that they ended.” Steve either wasn’t who people hoped he would be, or he desired completely different outcomes than they did. Or they were sexually aggressive in a way that made sure Steve always felt used for his good looks and good dick. “We just never wanted the same thing.”

Bucky nodded. He knew that feeling well. “I understand that. That’s not your fault, though. I’m sorry they didn’t work out.” He sighed and jokingly added, “Maybe they found out you were born in Jersey.”

Steve split a grin and shook his head. He really liked that Bucky tried to make him feel better all the time. “Yeah, they couldn’t stand that inauthenticity.”  

Bucky giggled back at Steve, more than happy that Steve was smiling with him again. He didn’t like how sad Steve had been before. “Hopefully, the next one will be the guy you’re looking for. Someone who doesn’t mind your New Jersey origins.”

“They’d have to be super open minded for that,” Steve said and Bucky picked up on the neutral pronouns again.

“Oh, Jersey isn't so bad. I don’t mind it. When I was still dancing, there was a regular from Jersey who really liked me. I hung out at his place a few times.”

“You danced?” Steve asked in surprise. And from context, he understood that this wasn’t ballroom they were talking about.

Bucky blinked and tilted his head to the side. “Yeah.” He didn’t realize he hadn’t yet mentioned the dancing to Steve before. “I used to be a go-go dancer in Park Slope. I told you this.”

“You did not,” Steve countered with wide eyes. He didn’t have a problem with it at all, this was just new information.

“Yeah, I danced from sixteen to about twenty-three.” Bucky could have sworn they talked about this. “Didn’t we discuss it?”

Steve shook his head emphatically. “You didn’t mention dancing. You said you had a job that paid well but that was it.”

“Really? I didn’t tell you about it? It usually comes up because of how I got started.” Bucky got up again and went back to his photo album. He pulled out a few pictures of him in tight, barely-anything outfits – a few with that bleach-blonde hair of his.

“You really hadn’t mentioned...” Steve mumbled and stared at the pictures. Bucky looked like a baby, he was so young.

Bucky pulled out another picture that had himself and a fellow dancer pressed together with five customers surrounding them. They were posed with smiles and hands all over them. “Yeah... well, that was my first job. And I was really good. And the owner never realized I wasn’t of age at first because he paid us all under the table anyway.”

For some reason, Steve felt like this all made a lot of sense. The pictures of an older Bucky in those outfits were all really good. And Steve was wondering how to tell him how hot this was without it sounding insulting. He also wondered if he was allowed to find this hot. Maybe it was sleazy for men to like dancers and strippers so much.

Bucky didn’t like that Steve wasn’t saying anything. He worried Steve was judging him for being that type of entertainer. He never took off any clothes, it wasn’t that type of club. But maybe that didn’t matter to Steve. Bucky just took the pictures back. He was done with them now. “Well, yeah, it paid nicely and I got to basically do what I wanted for a long time. It was a lot more fun than my job now. And I could wear things I liked.” He was automatically defending himself.

Steve’s brain finally kicked back into gear and held Bucky’s face in his hands. “You’re so hot,” he said. “I mean, you’re hot now but you were also hot before. I think if we met in high school or college, I would have been in love with you just like that.” Steve didn’t know just how weighted of a statement he was making.

“Oh... thank you,” Bucky wasn’t entirely sure what to do with that. Was Steve saying he would have fallen for college dancer Bucky? He wasn’t sure. “Just so you know, I didn’t do anything with any of the customers until I was eighteen. I didn’t let anyone touch me and I just played hard to get. It worked out fine. And once I was older, I dropped the act. I just wanted you to know.” 

Steve kind of thought Bucky missed the mark with what Steve was trying to say to him. He just thought that Bucky had so much confidence even as a teen and young twenty-something. And Steve, as his contemporary, would have wanted to follow that. Steve had never felt confident in his life. But he had to forget about that for a second as he tried to figure out what Bucky was implying with the ‘hard to get’ statement. “So, you’ve had, uh, relations with your... audience?” He felt so awkward asking.

“Um, yeah...” Bucky started. “It wasn’t like required. I wasn’t a prostitute. I was a dancer. But I was young and gay and curious. I wanted to know things and have experience.” He was defensive again.  _Is it my fault I wanted to know about sex and did what I could to learn?_ So, what if he was eighteen and lost his virginity to a forty-year-old who was sweet to him. But Bucky did know how odd it sounded.

“I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just wondering. I wasn’t trying to imply anything. And I'm not judging that you were a dancer,” Steve pleaded with Bucky to understand that this was nothing to do with that. “And I’m definitely not trying to shame you in some weird way. You’re just... I wish I had been that confident when I was that young. I’m a little jealous.”

“I learned confidence because of being stared at all night and having my ass touched by countless dudes all the time for years.” Bucky learned to be confident and strong and when to defend yourself and when to throw punches. 

“You’re one of my favorite people.” Steve just admired Bucky so much.

“Thanks.” Bucky scoffed out a chuckle because Steve was just a little weird, but he liked it. He would keep him for now. “I don’t think I would be the kind of guy I am now if I didn’t dance. I learned a lot about myself and the world and how people see me and expectations that society puts on people and how to defend myself and anyone in need. I guess being a dancer was sort of my secret then. Since it seems I forgot to tell you a better one than stealing fives from my dad. No one at work knows about the dancing, though, so don’t say anything. So, if anyone asks, this accounting job is my first job.”

“I won’t say anything.” Why would he? “I wasn’t really going to share anything that you’ve told me when it was just the two of us.”

Bucky took one of the photos back from the album and handed it to Steve. He knew he had a duplicate of it somewhere. “Here, you can keep this one. I’m twenty there so you don’t have to worry.”

“Got it. Thank you.” Steve smiled over at him and remembered he didn’t know Bucky’s exact age. “I don’t know how old you are now, you know. I know your birthday, just not the year.”

“I’ll be twenty-eight in March.” But Bucky would always look about five years younger than he was.

That was roughly a year and a half older than Steve and he was surprised. “You don’t look older than me.”

“I’m just a little older. Not too horribly old. Just enough that I can make jokes about when I was your age.”

Steve kind of liked that Bucky was older. It made his wisdom and strength make more sense to him. “Ah, yeah. The good old days for you.”

“Yeah. Twenty-six really was the glory year. I got two presents during my office birthday instead of one because Lawrence thought everyone was bringing one and not just pitching in. Good day.” Bucky loved getting and giving gifts. It showed that people were thinking about him.

Steve laughed at that and set the photo down on the coffee table. “Come here so that I can give you a hug?”

“Okay!” Bucky beamed and moved to snuggle in against Steve. He was still in just his sweater and panties and he kind of thought he should at least go put on some yoga pants. “You feeling any better from earlier?” Bucky still didn’t even know what was wrong but he wanted to check in that Steve was okay now.

“Yeah, I am,” Steve said. Bucky really was good at cheering him up.

Bucky kissed Steve on the lips once more and said, “It’s getting late. You can stay over if you want. I don’t mind.”

Steve was feeling a little greedy and wanting, and he needed to have some more time with Bucky. “I’ll stay. I’ll just leave a little early so that I can get ready tomorrow. Are you up for some cuddling?” he asked and helped Bucky up off the couch. “Or... anything else.” Steve wouldn’t mind having sex again if Bucky wanted to.

“Let’s just cuddle for a while and see where it goes,” Bucky said with a grin and led him to his bedroom. He did, however, take off his panties before getting in bed. He wanted to be ready for anything that might happen. And he hoped Steve followed suit too.

Steve got the idea, thankfully, and he stripped out of all his clothes and then got close next to him. “Are you comfortable?” he asked after he draped an arm around him. 

“Uh-huh. You’re so fucking warm,” Bucky responded. He was the little spoon again and he pressed his ass back so he was cradling Steve’s cock between his cheeks a little. He wanted to touch him with something, and if it happened to result in a boner, then that worked for Bucky.

“I think I’m still extra warm from all the blankets you put on me the other day.” Steve didn’t mind for a second having Bucky so close. And he really liked how his dick and Bucky’s ass were just casually touching. It felt very normal and familiar. 

Bucky grinded back against him. “Maybe your body just runs hotter than others. Because you’re usually pretty warm, I think.”

“Maybe that’s my not so hidden talent.” Steve’s hand traveled down a little lower on Bucky’s body so it was fanned out over his abdomen. But he kept bringing it down slower and lower. 

“Pretty good talent. Especially for this winter. You should just keep some of your stuff here all the time so I won't have to sleep without my human torch.”

“Buy me dinner first?” Steve joking in a low, sultry sort of voice. He finally got his hand on Bucky’s dick and he gently started to stroke it.

Moving his leg to give Steve better access, Bucky countered, “I bought you breakfast. Does that count?” He was still grinding back against him and hoping to get Steve going quicker now.

“Maybe we can make an exception.” Steve planted a flurry of little kisses on Bucky’s neck and his shoulder. His own dick was getting interested as he thumbed at the head of Bucky’s.

“You better. I think we’ve passed the point of no return already, so buying you dinner isn't going to help.” Bucky figured they already had each other inside them so it was already happening, and dinner wouldn’t change that. Bucky reached one cold hand back and gripped Steve’s cock for a second. “What do you want to do this time? I had say last time.”

“Fuck me again?” Steve asked with mild apprehension in his tone. He was a little worried that Bucky would get tired of him if he asked to bottom. 

Bucky eagerly rolled to face Steve and nudged his side. “On your stomach,” he prodded and waited for him to move.

Steve was equally as eager to get into position for Bucky. He liked when Bucky responded with determination and a little bit of bossiness. “Good view?” Steve worked hard for his bubble butt and he wanted it to be appreciated.

“Oh, it’s the best.” Bucky got the lube fast and pressed a finger inside of Steve like he couldn’t wait another second to do it. “I’m gonna really fuck you this time, okay?”

Steve hummed at the initial finger and tried to relax himself more. “What does that entail?”

“You on your hands and knees and me fucking you from behind, hard and fast.”

“Y-yeah, I want that.”

“If it’s too much you can say. I don’t go too rough.”

“Okay, I’ve got it.” Steve was still so amazed and enamored that Bucky was vocal during sex and always checking that Steve was completely into whatever they were doing. He didn’t get that so much before so, he was beyond grateful for it now. He guessed he might have to stop fawning over Bucky for just being a decently nice human being. But it was hard not to.

Bucky massaged two fingers around inside of Steve. “You are always allowed to tell me to stop or turn things down a bit. I don’t want you pushing through things you don’t want to do.”

Steve writhed underneath him and his breathing was coming a little harder. “Yeah, yes. You’re so good to me.” Steve nodded, hoping Bucky understood just how much this all meant to him.

“I just want to make sure you know that you have a say in all of this.” Bucky really got the feeling that Steve wasn’t always given choices in sex. Something seemed to Bucky that Steve was always just told what to do or what to take. And Bucky felt like his own sex life had always been fairly good despite the guys who tried to change him or tear him down all the time. The only major problem was the amount of men. It was probably pretty dangerous, but Bucky never thought about it like that.

Steve really hadn’t realized how bad his sex before had been until Bucky. Being with Bucky validated his ideas that maybe he deserved to be treated better. His past partners were all sorts of assholes. It was physically enjoyable a lot of the time, but never really worth it.

Bucky had a third finger inside of Steve now. His dick was not as big as Steve’s, and it was much easier to handle so he thought three would be enough. “How do you feel right now?” he asked.

“Perfect. You can go faster if you want.”

“Just wait a second. You’re almost ready for my dick, I think.” Bucky giggled and fumbled with a condom because one hand was just so covered in lube that it wasn’t easy. “Help,” he muttered and handed a new one to Steve to open.

Steve had a little flash of a moment where he wanted to ask Bucky about not using one. But he was the one who, in the beginning, asked that they keep it safe. So, he decided against it. He decided he shouldn’t let Bucky come inside him just because he was so nice to him and Steve liked him a lot. And he was proud of himself for making a healthy sex decision. He rolled the condom down Bucky’s cock.

“Thanks, Baby,” Bucky smiled down at him. “I was going to be fighting with that all night.” He chuckled again and leaned in to kiss Steve a few times before lubing up his dick. “I’m going to push in. Are you ready? Are you okay?” His cockhead pushed against Steve’s hole and he waited there for an answer.

“Yeah, give it to me,” Steve answered, a red blush over his face at being called ‘Baby’ again.

Bucky pushed in carefully as he simultaneously lifted Steve’s hips to guide him onto his knees. “Ah, god, fuck. That's a great ass,” he mumbled and let himself halt there, seated inside of Steve.

“Thanks...” Steve said shakily. “I need a couple of seconds.”

“Take as long as you want. I’ll just wait here.” Bucky was happy enough to drape himself over Steve’s back and hold him. He wouldn’t even mind just falling asleep like this either. 

Steve took a few long moments to just appreciate the feeling of Bucky against him like that. “I’m good. Move please.” He wanted to be fucked.

“Okay, I’ll start slow. How’s that?” Bucky asked and eased out just enough before pushing back in with a little kick. It was a pace that would have Steve crying for release if Bucky kept it up the whole time. “You tell me when you want me to pick it up.”

Bucky wasn’t entirely sure why he was so careful with Steve. He was always respectful and careful with others too. He always made sure that anyone knew they could back out or change things at any given time while they were together. He liked open communication a lot, especially with sex. But he seemed to triple-check with Steve. He thought he might even warn Steve if he was about to sneeze.

“You can go a little faster,” Steve whispered. Sometimes it was like Steve was a very delicate man in a not-so-delicate looking package. He was soft and breakable and sensitive, just like Bucky could be. But he didn’t have that strength and confidence to outweigh it.

“Thank you, Baby.” Bucky hoped that if he praised and thanked Steve then he would feel more at ease. Bucky did go a little faster on him – enough to cause Steve to move forward and back with the motion.

Steve was being pretty noisy too. He was mumbling things to himself and breathing heavy and letting out little whimpers and groans. “More,” he pleaded, wanting it to get harder already.

“Uh-huh, of course, Love,” Bucky said, pulling out a ‘Love’ against his better judgment.

Steve knew he was going to hold on to that forever. Because being called ‘Love’ was just about the cutest thing anyone had said to him. “Harder?” he asked after Bucky picked up only a little bit. He knew he could take more and he wanted to. His dick was hard and smacking against his stomach and it wanted release.

Bucky nodded and really picked up this time. He wanted to fuck Steve well and please him, too, but he went from about forty percent to eighty in one jump and it was a lot. It was too much for Steve too fast. “B-Bucky,” he said quietly before realizing he had to be more firm and clear. “Buck, stop?” 

Bucky heard the ‘stop’ like a shot through the air and he immediately pulled out and held his hands on Steve’s hips so he wouldn’t just flop down on the bed. “Okay, stop,” he confirmed and let Steve move gently back to laying on his stomach on the bed. “I’m sorry. It was too much?”

“A little, yeah. Too fast.” Steve felt so empty without Bucky inside him anymore and the suddenness of him pulling out was jarring. 

“I’m sorry, Baby. Let’s stop. I’m sorry.” Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head and gave him a comforting hug before sitting back to give him some space.

“You didn’t have to pull out.” Steve was incredibly quiet.

Bucky shook his head. “Yeah, I did. You said ‘stop’ and, to me, that’s a full stop until we discuss again what you want.” There were no negotiations on that for him. Stop was stop, always. “I’m really sorry. I got overexcited. I shouldn’t have gone that hard that fast. I didn’t mean to, I promise.”

“It’s okay,” Steve said. It was Bucky. Bucky was good to him. He knew Bucky would never do anything to him on purpose. “It didn’t hurt. I just freaked out a little.”

“And it’s totally okay to get freaked out. I really honestly should have taken you slower, though. That was too much too fast.” He brushed his hands gently through Steve’s hair to try to ease him.

Steve melted under the touch. Being taken care of felt so good. “Can we just cuddle? We don’t have to talk or anything.” Steve didn’t even feel like he messed up the sex or anything. He definitely would have if it were with anyone else. But Bucky made him feel like he was perfectly within his rights. 

Bucky moved to lay behind him carefully. “Do you want anything? Water? A snack? A movie? You can shower if you like?” He really hoped Steve forgave him.

“I’m okay, Bucky, really.” To Steve, there wasn’t anything to forgive. “Just stay close?” He didn't want to be left alone right now.

“Of course. I’ll be right here.” Bucky held him close and thought he would try to distract Steve with a story. “So, my sister is two years younger than me. Her husband is a few years older than me. It was strange for my parents at first when my sister - at the age of twenty-one - came to us to explain that she had married her boyfriend out of state and didn’t tell anyone. My parents are understanding people but they were really upset and concerned because they hadn't even met the boyfriend yet and she was young. Rebecca was so angry that my parents weren't supportive. I fed her chocolate cake and we watched movies until she fell asleep in a crumpled heap on my couch. I called her new husband and he came and carried her home, telling her how much he loved her and how it didn’t matter what anyone else ever said or thought about them because only their opinions counted.”

Steve was so relaxed and comfortable now. He loved hearing Bucky talk. “So, you’re a very good big brother too? Just when I thought the list of good things about you couldn’t get any longer.”

Bucky wasn’t sure why exactly he told the story but he felt like Steve needed it. “No, the point... the point is that the only person whose opinions we should listen to are our own. And it’s important to find someone who loves you beyond anything else. I’ve really learned a lot from my sister’s husband about how to love and how to take care of people and how to be confident in yourself and your relationships.”

Steve got quiet again. That was a lot. Learning how to love and be confident was a lot. And trusting in only the opinions of yourself was almost impossible. He tried not to get teary-eyed. He didn’t want to do that right now. He just scooted closer to Bucky. But it felt like he was so close, yet still so far away.

“I... I know things don’t always go the way we hope. And I know life throws tragedy and challenges at us all the time. But the important thing is to know who you are and be who you are, no matter what happens in your life. Loving who you are... that’s the goal.” Why was he saying all this?

“Do you love yourself?” Steve whispered ever so softly.

Bucky’s first thought was,  _Yes, of course, I do_. But that also wasn’t entirely accurate. “Yeah. Most of the time. There are some hard days. There are days that I really struggle – especially because sometimes I can let people’s words get to me even though I shouldn't. I've worked really hard to get to where I am with this. But like all things, it's not going to work at all times.”

“It makes me happy that you’re there. Bad days aside, you're right. Nothing can be perfect all the time. Loving yourself most of the time is good.” Steve couldn’t relate. At all.

“It’s been nice. To feel like this. To feel like everything I thought was so wrong about me is actually everything that makes me so perfectly me. There isn't another Bucky Barnes out there quite like me. And that makes me feel like I’m worth something. I’m supposed to be here for something. I’m supposed to help someone.” Bucky was getting emotional too now.

“I don’t think either of us are particularly in love with our job. But I'm glad that we both have the jobs that we do, because I'm just... it's good that I met you,” Steve said.

“I’m glad I met you too. It’s been really nice to get to know you at work and be with you and be your friend.” Bucky sighed and tried not to think about all the times before that he had really disliked himself. “You want to sleep now? I don’t know if my little life lesson helped at all but we can sleep if you like.”

“It helped,” Steve informed him. It would take a lot of time for Steve to get there and be in a place like Bucky was, but it helped. “Maybe we should sleep.” 

Bucky was pretty tired now. “Night, Steve. Watch out for Tatum if you get up to use the bathroom.” It really only took about another minute or so before Bucky was fast asleep with his legs and arms sprawled out around Steve.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Bucky was dressed in a long sweater and tights and he had three pink hair clips in a row to hold back his bangs. The sweater dress was a little big on him and he just looked so cozy and warm. He was always so cold during the winter so sweaters were very important to him. He also felt particularly cute today. “Hey, I got a new video game today. It’s two-player and I think you’ll catch on really easily. And I made that dessert we had for Thanksgiving because you liked it so much,” Bucky said to Steve over the phone.  

When Bucky mentioned hanging out together, Steve had to frown. He had plans.  _Fuck. Why tonight?_  “I have something tonight. But I can come over later?” 

Steve never had plans. Bucky was curious now. “Oh, what are you up to?” Bucky sort of felt like he was allowed to ask because Steve was literally always free if he wasn’t at the gym or work. 

Steve didn’t much want to say. He was usually pretty open with Bucky about most things and his schedule was definitely one of them. “I... have a date tonight,” he said slowly, unsure how Bucky would take it.

Bucky blinked slowly twice. He was confused.  _I thought I was supposed to be the date? We are cuffing, aren’t we?_ They had done this because neither of them had anyone to be with for the winter. So, Bucky was the date, right? Was Steve just joking around? No, he didn’t sound like he did when he was joking. “Oh, uh, sure.” Bucky couldn’t just tell him not to go. They weren’t boyfriends and he couldn’t control Steve. “Cool. Good. I need to get going. See you later then, Rogers...” He hung up without saying anything else. He needed to do some cleaning anyway.

All he did instead was stew around the apartment and wonder. They had an agreement – hang out, cuddle, fuck, be a little romantic, be together from Thanksgiving to right before Valentine’s Day. Now Steve was leaving him hanging when he looked the cutest he ever looked. And Bucky had made him a delicious dessert and Bucky didn’t even hardly eat, let alone cook. He also got them a game they could play together and his ass was ready to be wrecked tonight. And Steve was going on a date.

Was it unreasonable that Bucky felt like they should have discussed this at least?

Steve, on the other hand, was thinking that just having a date would be totally fine. His dates were always garbage anyway. He figured he would go on this date and it would be trash and then he would have a story to tell Bucky later? Right? That seemed more than okay to him. But Bucky just hung up the phone without letting him explain anything.

And Steve was right. The date was awful. And all he wanted was to come see Bucky and talk about it and then retreat back into his arms for some cuddles. So, he headed over to Bucky’s place late at night. He knew he would be awake. He sent him a few texts to let him know he was coming over and he had possibly the most interesting story he had ever had. Steve realized something about himself that he was eager to tell people.

Steve got to Bucky’s and he knocked on the door before letting himself in. Bucky hardly locked the door until he went to sleep. Steve kept telling him how dangerous that was. Bucky just said he left it open because his elderly neighbor needed help sometimes.

When there wasn’t an answer, Steve just opened the door and let himself in.  _What’s that? Oh... fuck._ There was a low rumbling sort of noise coming from down the hall. At first, Steve wasn’t sure what it was. But then it was unmistakable. Steve had heard those noises from Bucky before. He was well acquainted with them. He knew someone was in there with Bucky. Steve slammed the door behind him as he escaped the apartment as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, Bucky heard the sharp sound of the door and he knew exactly what happened. He cursed himself endlessly for being such an idiot. That must have been Steve. Bucky had thought this would be okay because Steve was on a date and probably getting fucked too. But now he had shown up here, making it clear that things hadn’t gone well. And Bucky realized how dumb of a jealous mistake it was to let this friend of a friend fuck him tonight. 

Bucky, being who he was, let the guy finish even though he wasn’t in it anymore. He was also really dumb tonight and let this near stranger go bareback and now he had his come inside him. Bucky felt horrible. But soon enough he was home alone again. He wondered if he should call Steve. He had another man’s come in him, he was undressed and sweaty, but maybe he should call anyway.

Meanwhile, Steve made it back to his apartment and tried to prevent a small breakdown by getting in his pajamas and eating a pizza alone. If he could undo the last eight hours, he would. He wasn’t sure what it was that hurt the most right now. Was it that Bucky slept with someone else without asking? Was it that he really wanted to tell Bucky something important and now he couldn't? Was it just that he felt like the asshole for going on the date in the first place? He didn’t know.

Bucky wasn’t sure how to play this either. He finally saw the texts from Steve but didn’t yet have the nerve to text back. Maybe he could play it off like he didn’t know Steve came into his place. He could just ask at work tomorrow how the date went. But how the hell would he fix what just happened? Eventually, he settled on texting Steve back like he had no clue what went on.

[22:47]: Princess Soft Hair: oh, whats the story? Bad date? Good date?

Steve, for the first time ever, ignored a text from ‘Princess Soft Hair’. He just slid the notification so it went away.

Bucky waited for about ten minutes, then thirty, then an hour, then two. Then he came to the conclusion that Steve just wasn’t going to message back. It wasn’t happening. And now Bucky was worrying over whether he should text again or call or just ignore it until they saw each other again at work. He typed up another benign text about the new video game but deleted it before he could send it.

Steve still didn’t know if feeling hurt was rational or not. It was valid because that was what he was feeling, but was it rational? He thought about whether he believed Bucky was upset at him for doing on a date. But it was only a date. He didn’t do anything else. Steve would have been transparent if he was having sex with someone else, as well as Bucky. Steve felt like he was about to use up every last one of his sick days just to avoid Bucky at work on Monday.

-

Bucky showed up to work in a complete mess of a state. He slept in late and arrived late. He didn’t look put together like usual. His hair wasn’t brushed, let alone pretty – there were no barrettes. He was wearing one of his more severe looking work outfits with a plain dark blue shirt and a black tie and black pants. He looked like a really dull sort of masculine today. He didn’t feel cute at all. He just felt unworthy of being himself. Bucky only had about two seconds to make eye contact with Steve before he was called into the boss’s office about why he was late. 

He didn’t speak to Steve all day. At lunch, Steve ate at his desk and Bucky was stuck with Marjorie in the break room while she talked on about something. He wasn’t paying attention until she said, “...set him up with my niece's friend Elizabeth.”

“Wait, what?” Bucky was stunned. A woman. She just said she set Steve up on a date with a woman named Elizabeth. Bucky just assumed it was a man like he assumed Steve was at least mostly gay. 

Now he was in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and  _You’ve got to be fucking kidding me_. It all made sense to Bucky now. Steve said nice things about how he looked and acted. He complimented how pretty he was a lot. He was just playing him. He wanted a woman after all. But he also wanted a cock. And Bucky was a good mix of the two. He could fool around with feminine men while also looking for his missus the whole time. It wasn’t that Steve was actually attracted to the way Bucky was, this was just easier for him. 

People had been rude to Bucky about his presentation and gender before. Some people told him to just be a man and act and dress like a man. And some people told him to just be a trans woman and make it easier to call him feminine that way. But Bucky wasn’t about to conform to anyone’s expectation of gender norms for men or women or trans women or anybody. He was a man but he didn’t want to be very masculine. That wasn’t who he was. Gender wasn’t something he needed to label for his own life. And a lot of people understood that, but plenty of people didn’t.

And now it seemed that Bucky was just a pawn for Steve this whole time anyway.

Steve left work early. He did not feel good at all. The air was charged and he very much did not want to do this. He could see that Bucky looked genuinely upset and he couldn’t figure out exactly why. So, he just left instead of trying to talk to him after the day was done. That seemed better.

Bucky, being deeply dramatic as he could be sometimes, decided that this whole thing was effectively over. He didn’t want to be with Steve even for a moment if he thought about Bucky the way Bucky guessed he did. Bucky went home too and moped about it being only two weeks before Christmas. He was going to invite Steve to come to Colorado with him when he went to see his family. But all that was done now.

[17:33]: Steve Rogers: I think we need to talk

Steve didn’t know anything that Bucky was thinking right now. But he thought he should at least try to fix it, if he could. He strongly believed that Bucky Barnes was the best thing to ever happen to him, and he didn’t want to lose him yet. Even though he was still upset about knowing Bucky slept with someone else.

And now it was Bucky’s turn to ignore texts from Steve. He was crying on the couch and lamenting the fact that he had thought Steve was attracted to him for real. He was so worried that he would never find anyone who would accept him the way he was. 

[17:48]: Steve Rogers: if I could undo the last day, I would

Steve still thought this was all about the date. He didn’t realize that Bucky thought he was just some jerk of a guy who fucked dudes sometimes to satisfy an itch, but would eventually settle down with some poor unsuspecting woman. And then cheat on her with the pool boy until he ruined her life. 

Bucky was sometimes a very stupid and angry sort of princess. He didn’t put it together that he had had so many wonderful and deep conversations with Steve that proved he wasn’t ever acting maliciously. Bucky would fight him right now if he could. And Steve probably wouldn't raise a hand back.

Eventually, Bucky texted back. Steve had a few things at his place – a toothbrush, some clothes, a few books – and Bucky wanted them gone now.

[18:06]: Princess Soft Hair: come pick up your shit

[18:06]: Steve Rogers: okay. I'll come over now

 _Good, he hates me._ Steve was so defeated. And he still wasn’t sure what all this was about. Why exactly was Bucky so angry at him? It couldn’t be just about the date. 

Steve showed up at his place a little after that with tear-puffy eyes and a drooping face; he wasn’t happy at all. He knocked on the door and waited until he heard Bucky shout that it was open.

“Your clothes and stuff are on the couch,” Bucky said immediately. The clothes were folded and everything was in a little neat stack. Bucky was so tidy he couldn’t just shove it all in a bag and toss it at him. “Also, you can have this dessert. I made it for you and you know I don’t really eat that much.” 

Steve didn’t move to take the dessert or the clothes. He knew that if he didn’t talk to Bucky now then he wouldn’t get a chance to again. “B-Bucky. I’m sorry. I really thought that going on a date was okay. I should've asked you first. I’m sorry.” His resolve not to cry was cracking quickly. He had wanted to be strong for once but it was proving way too easy to push him there.

“It’s fine. It’s not like we said you couldn’t look for other people while we were cuffing up.” Bucky crossed his arms. He was less mad about the date itself now. But he was still upset because he planned a great night for them and Steve left him hanging when they were supposed to have these four months together. 

“It’s clearly not fine. I’m sorry. I really am,” Steve protested. “It... it was only an hour and a half. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Bucky was so convinced Steve was just with him like this because of how he looked and presented himself. “It’s not a big deal. We tried this and it didn’t work. I’m not who you should be with, even for four months.”

Steve couldn’t be strong anymore. He was slipping fast. And he was getting desperate for some answers too. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset with me.” After all, it wasn’t like Bucky was by himself. He went off and fucked someone else. And Steve was mad about that. But he was also mad at himself for losing the one good thing in his life. 

Bucky wasn’t sure he should even be having this fight with Steve. They weren’t boyfriends so, it’s not like it really mattered. They could just go back to being co-workers. But he thought he would give this discussion a try. “Steve, I thought this winter was going to be you and me. I thought we were hanging out together because we didn’t have anyone else to spend winter with.” He ran his fingers through his messy hair and then shoved his hands in his sweater pockets. “I thought it was supposed to be like dates and sex and cuddles and hanging out whenever we wanted to, and to chase away the cold and not be so damn lonely all the time. I got us a game to play, I made sure my bed was newly cleaned, and I made you an entire dessert even though I don’t eat like anything ever. And I wore my best outfit and made myself all irresistible for you and I got strawberry lube and... I stretched myself already and wore a plug because I know how big you are and I wanted to be ready. I had the whole night planned.”

Now Steve felt approximately a thousand times worse. He hated knowing that Bucky went to all that trouble just for him, and then he bailed on him like that. On the other hand, he didn’t know the plan before now. He wasn’t sure what angle to approach this from. He knew now that he had real feelings for Bucky – not just cuffing feelings. He wanted him. He wanted to be with him for longer than just the winter. But he couldn’t say that to him now. He couldn’t just try to get this to go away by admitting that he figured that out on his date with whats-her-name. 

“I just... It was a date with a stranger. I knew it wasn’t going to take that much time or turn into something else. Because my dates are never  _good_ , Bucky,” Steve said. “You could’ve... you could’ve asked me to stay in and I would have. And... I told you that I could come over after. I didn’t mean something like two in the morning. I meant I could be here by nine or ten.”

“I wasn’t about to tell you what to do. I don’t own you. I can't tell you not to go on a date and stay in with your winter fling instead of going out with a woman who could be your potential wife.” Bucky let it slip that he knew more about the date than Steve had told him. He knew he was out with a woman. “And no, you did not say you would be able to come over afterwards. All you said was that you had a date and that was it.” At least, that’s what Bucky heard before he stopped listening.

Steve’s head tilted to the side and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a second. “How do you know that?” he asked. “And I did tell you I could come over after,” he added firmly because that was a fact.

“How did I know what?” Bucky asked back. “Also, no, you’re wrong. You didn’t say that. I figured you were going to be out on your date all night and have sex and hit it off and I would be lonely as fuck here by myself, dressed to impress and nowhere to go.” Bucky was making this all about him.

“How do you know that I went on a date with a woman.” Steve clarified. “I’m not... that’s not... I feel like we’ve talked about the fact that I've only had bad dates. I'm not the kind of person that has luck with hitting it off with anyone. And I  _did_  say that. I wouldn’t lie to you. I wouldn't lie to you about saying that or being able to come over after.”

“Marjorie said earlier that it was her niece’s friend and she set up the date.” Bucky crossed his arms again. 

Steve just scoffed. That seemed like such a small potatoes thing to him in comparison. “You know, if you wanted to have sex with other people you could've let me know. But I wouldn’t have sex with someone without letting you know that.” He knew it was important to tell Bucky he knew about him and that other guy. But it came out far more accusatory than he meant it to.

“What?” Bucky wasn’t sure what Steve was talking about. But then he remembered the guy he let fuck him. He didn’t even know his name or anything. He just knew that he was a friend of his buddy Shawn. “I didn’t want to fuck other people. I didn’t want to fuck him. Not really. He was just there and he invited himself over. And once he started touching me, I just kind of stopped thinking about it and let him do what he wanted.” Sometimes, Bucky could be so passive about sex. He used to do that a lot as a dancer. It was almost like he was building experience points mindlessly. “And he ripped my nicest pantyhose...” Bucky was very angry about that.

There was a pause between them as Steve finally got Bucky off the pedestal and turned him into a regular human man, and not an angel who could do no wrong. Bucky wasn’t some sex god who knew everything. He was just like everyone else. He made choices that he regretted. He made decisions based on very little evidence. Bucky could be just as unhealthy about sex as Steve could be, and Steve was now realizing that. He was a guy looking to be loved, just like Steve. Somehow, it just served to make him like Bucky more to know that he was fallible and flawed and needy and immature too.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have gone out. I’m sorry,” Steve said, wanting now to apologize for his part, even if Bucky didn’t apologize for his. He just wanted him back. 

Bucky wasn’t hardly mad about Steve ditching him for a date anymore. He was just mad about the misconception about Steve’s perception of Bucky. “It’s whatever. Honestly. This just didn’t work,” he said and handed him the dessert. He needed Steve to just take it and go. “I just thought you were doing this for a different reason.”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Steve said simply, confused.

“Nothing. I thought you were lonely like I am. I thought this was just a temporary solution to the lack of a boyfriend thing... and not like... your fling with a pretty boy while you look for a wife.”

Steve was even more confused. “I’m not looking for a wife.” He really wasn’t. He had no idea where that idea came from.

“It’s okay, Steve. I’ve got it now. I was a really good substitute because I’m essentially a feminine and masculine blend so, you could just pretend with me for a bit and get the kind of sex you want so you can move on and be with the girl you want to be with. But I don’t want to be that for someone.”

“That’s not what this was,” Steve whispered so quietly. He was so hurt that Bucky would think that. “I’m... I don’t understand how you would think that, Bucky.” Yes, he went on a date with a woman, but that didn’t mean anything. Maybe he was bisexual, but that still didn’t mean he didn’t want Bucky. And it certainly didn’t mean he was trying to play the field at all. Or maybe he was gay and he wasn’t totally aware yet. He enjoyed the company of women, but so far it had never amounted to much more. Regardless, he liked Bucky and Bucky only. “Bucky...”

“Because I’ve seen this before. Guys who either aren't sure of their sexualities and decide I’m a good medium to experiment with, or married men who have trysts with me to get some sort of hold on who they are even though they married a woman they don’t love.” Bucky was bringing all his past experiences forward and he couldn’t get them to settle down so he could look at this logically. 

Steve practically whimpered. He didn’t like knowing Bucky had been used like that. He also didn’t like that Bucky thought he would use him like that. “But  _I_  wouldn’t do that. Not to you, not to anyone.”

“I don’t know if you really know what you want in your life.” Bucky got down to brass tacks about it. “I don’t know if I can be your experiment.”

And that was true, in a sense. Steve wasn’t entirely certain what exactly he wanted in his life or with Bucky. And he wasn’t always super sure of his sexuality either. He couldn’t quite pin it down. “You aren’t my experiment,” he said. He wanted to convey how much Bucky meant to him. But he also didn’t want to be obvious that he had super strong feelings about him either. “And... and maybe I don’t know what I want in my life. Maybe you’re not wrong about that. But you weren't my experiment and I wouldn't be with you for those reasons.”

“Why did you agree to this then?”  _Explain to me your reasons so I know you aren’t using me._

“Because... I'm lonely. And you’ve always been sweet to me. And I’m attracted to you.” That was it. Simple as that. Steve wanted to be around Bucky. And that was the best reason he thought he could give.

“Why me, though? There’s other nice little pretty boys in Brooklyn.” Bucky didn’t want to let this go yet.

“The cuffing was your idea. You approached me,” Steve said, knowing full well that he would never have the guts to approach anyone ever. “And I don’t like you just because you're pretty. There’s no point in denying that I think you're pretty. Because I do think you’re very, very pretty.”

Bucky softened a little at the compliment and just barely smiled to himself. “You understand that I get defensive because I’m not really seen as normal... right?”

“I understand that.” Steve hunched his shoulders forward and sighed. He just really wished Bucky understood that Steve would never think of him that way.

“I just... when Marjorie said you had a date with a woman, I got so mad. I assumed this was like the other flings I've had like that. I don’t care if you are bi or pan or something. It’s not that at all. I didn’t care what sexualities the other men had either. I care that they cheated on their wives and lied to them about their sexualities and used me. I just need to know who you are and what this is going to be like for the next two months.”

“Before last night I hadn't ever been on a real date with a woman before.” Steve was quiet still. He felt tiny but Bucky was a giant.

“Why did you go then?” Bucky sighed and sat down at his table. He already had a glass of wine poured for himself, and he took a long heavy drink of it and stared at the wall.

“Bucky, I thought I was interested in women too,” Steve said, somewhat admitting he wasn’t certain about his own leanings yet.

“So, you don’t really know yet?”

“I know that I'm interested in men. I’m sure of that.”

“You’re positive?”

“I’m positive.” All of Steve’s feelings may not yet be that sophisticated to him. But he did know that. And he did know that he really, really liked Bucky. 

Bucky was much calmer now. Things were starting to fall into place for him. He was starting to really understand where Steve was coming from. However, he didn’t get it yet that he had a lot to apologize for here. “I just want to make sure you are happy. I do care about you and I want to help you if I can.” He was a little bit of a ‘fix-it’ sort of guy sometimes.

“I appreciate you so much.” Steve sat down at the table now too and watched Bucky for a moment. 

Looking into Steve’s own regretful eyes, it finally clicked for Bucky that some sort of remorse was in order here. “I’m... I’m sorry I got angry. I shouldn’t have even gotten mad you went on a date. It doesn’t really matter. I did have an evening planned, but I could have just waited a night.”

“It’s okay. I could’ve explained better,” Steve said. “Do... do you still want me to go?” He was still cradling the container of dessert and his clothes were still on the couch. 

“No... stay,” Bucky whispered and poured Steve a glass of wine so he would just sit and talk with him.

Steve took the wine and set the container down. He was more than pleased to stay right where he was. “Okay, yeah. I can stay.” 

“I am sorry,” Bucky said again. “It was uncalled for to be angry or assume anything about you.”

Steve knew Bucky messed up. He was able to see that clearly and not want to try to excuse it for him. He really appreciated the apology. “Thank you.” He touched Bucky’s hand gently just for a moment. “I forgive you.”

Bucky was silent for a long time before eventually speaking up again. “I think I let the newfound friendship part of this whole cuffing thing take over. I acted the same way I did when I was in junior high and my best friend Lydia started hanging out with April and spent less time with me.”

Steve relaxed some more, letting the intensity and awkwardness of the argument fall away now. “That’s okay. I understand that. We can both be better with talking.” He did like thinking that Bucky felt like he had some sort of claim over him like that.

“Yeah. Sounds good. I tend to have a jealous streak from time to time... I am sorry. But this is fine? We're okay? Still friends?”

“Still friends,” Steve agreed with a warm smile.

Bucky’s gut clenched and he felt a rush of feeling go through him when Steve smiled like that. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was but he liked it. “Good. Because I really like being with you. You're a really good man, Rogers.” He got up from the table and pulled his hair back into a ponytail. “Do you want to have that date night now? I know I don’t look as nice as the other night but we can still play the game and you can eat dessert.”

“Aw, come on. You look nice, Bucky.” Steve thought Bucky was so perfect. His face was always adorable and the rest never let him down either. “But I would love to have date night with you.”

“Good.” Bucky came to stand in front of him. “Can I give you a make-up kiss?”

Steve chuckled and moved his hand up Bucky’s side. “I mean, I've already forgiven you. But I’m not going to say no to a kiss from you.”

“Just feel like I owe you,” Bucky admitted as he crawled into Steve’s lap just to be right up on him.

“You don’t owe me,” Steve countered and cupped Bucky’s cheek. “But I do like having you close.”

“I like being right here. It’s a wonderful view. And you’re very warm like always.” Bucky kissed him once as a tester, and then kissed his neck a few times before going back to his lips and staying. 

Steve threaded his hand through Bucky’s hair, pulling out the hair tie that Bucky just put in. They parted after a minute or so, and Steve kissed Bucky’s forehead, and then his nose, and then his chin. He wanted to keep him as long as Bucky would let him. 

Bucky hummed happily and got off of Steve again. “Here, you take your dessert and go to the couch. I’m going to put on sweats and get the game.” Bucky went away and came back with his pink yoga pants and an old zip-up hoodie with his alma mater written on the back.

Steve had his feet up on the coffee table and he was eating the dessert when Bucky got back. He stopped and stared at him for a moment. Yeah, he was cute. “I love those pants.”

“I need more yoga pants,” Bucky said as he settled in next to Steve. 

Steve adjusted next to him and touched his thigh lightly. “Christmas gift? What size do you wear?”

Bucky didn’t know they were doing gifts. But then again why wouldn’t they? “Usually a women’s small or medium – depends on the brand.” 

“More pink?” Steve questioned with a big grin.

Bucky gestured to the apartment around them that was covered mostly in pink, with some grey and soft yellow and black. But predominantly pink. “Yeah, always pink. You should know that by now.”

“Okay, Baby Boy,” Steve whispered, not really knowing where it came from but it was out there now. 

Bucky preened and his heart swelled. That was the cutest thing ever. He scooted closer to Steve and handed him a controller. “Here, Steve, let’s play for a while.” They started it up and Bucky could tell already that Steve wasn’t amazing at it. Bucky was just really good in comparison. “Did you play games as a kid?”

“Not too much, no.” Steve was the artistic kid who was always drawing instead.

“My sister and I were always playing video games. My parents both worked all the time and we weren’t allowed out of the house when they weren’t home so, we had a lot of video game sessions.”

“That explains the proficiency,” Steve said in awe. He also really liked hearing Bucky talk about his family.

Bucky missed his family a lot. He couldn’t wait to get to see them again soon. “You should see my sister and brother-in-law’s gaming collection. It’s incredibly impressive.”

Steve kept focusing on the game but said, “Talk more. I like your voice. Anything. You could tell me about your favorite grocery store and I would be happy to listen.”

“I actually do have a favorite grocery store!” Bucky’s eyes went wide and he said, “There is this amazing one with an in-store sushi restaurant that’s actually so good, and the sushi chef is the most incredible, badass woman. She has like black belts in five different martial arts or something. I swear to god. She told me.” Bucky nodded. “But other than her it’s just mostly a normal grocery store.”

“I like that you have a favorite grocery store,” Steve said. Of course, Bucky would have one, right? It was just so like him.

“Hey, you’re the one who asked,” Bucky said and then remembered that he hadn’t asked about Christmas yet. “Also, you know I go to Colorado for three days for Christmas...”

Steve got a little mopey thinking about those three days being totally alone for the holiday. “Yeah, I do.”

“You can come if you want to. I’ll get you a ticket. My parents won't mind the extra person,” Bucky said tentatively, unsure what Steve would think about that. 

Steve didn’t even have to think for a moment. “I want to come.”  _Loan me your family for Christmas, please._  “Thank you, Bucky.”

“Yeah, of course. I would love for you to be there. You can meet my sister and my awesome nephew Maxime,” Bucky said. He knew how much fun they would have. His family was the best. “My parents are good cooks, too. So, you can just tell me what you want and I’ll let them know.”

Steve squeezed Bucky in a tight, warm hug. “It means a lot to me that you would want me to come. It really does.” He gave him another little kiss. He was feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of being with a family for the holidays again. “Should I bring gifts?”

“Um, I think that’s your decision. I don’t think you have to, but if you feel like you should then you can.” Bucky knew his own family would definitely get gifts for Steve once they found out he was coming.

“I want to. Will you help me figure out what to get?” Steve wanted to be a good guest. And Bucky knew his family far better than Steve did.

Bucky giggled and paused the game so he could kiss Steve once more for good measure. “Yeah. I can help. Of course, I’ll help you. You’re the sweetest. You know?”

“I don’t try to be sweet. I just try to be good.” Steve didn’t know how to take that particular compliment.

“Yeah, it’s just natural for you. You’re just this good all the time,” Bucky agreed. “You’re so good. You’re so passionate and kind and wonderful.”

Steve was blushing again. No matter what Bucky said, it made him blush. “Thank you for thinking that of me.”

Bucky completely abandoned the video game now in favor of straddling Steve and kissing him some more. “The last month has been really amazing with you. I’ve had more fun than I have in years.”

“We’re going to stay friends, right? After this is over?” Steve asked, finally showing some of his worry. He didn’t think Bucky would say no but he needed to know immediately one way or the other. That way he could start preparing himself for either outcome.

“Yes. God, yes,” Bucky said without needing to think. There was no way he wanted to give up Steve now that they were back together again. “You’re the best friend I have ever had. Cross my heart.”

Steve kissed Bucky with a sense of urgency that he hadn’t before. He needed to be close to him. He needed to be on him. Steve wasn’t entirely ready for it to progress into anything else yet. He could still hear the sounds of Bucky having sex with someone else. But Steve needed him like this nonetheless.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Steve ended up buying one gift for everyone in Bucky’s family. He considered buying more than that, but Bucky convinced him that he did enough. They had one whole piece of checked luggage that was just presents, after all.  

Bucky was happily bundled up in a warm sweater and sweatpants. They were headed to Colorado, and Bucky knew it would be so cold and snowy there so, he was prepared. But he was still cold. On the plane, he was cushioned between Steve and some random teenager but he was still shivering. “I need your warmth, Steve,” he said, grumpy that the plane wasn’t cuddle-friendly. 

Steve, in a rare rush of boldness, leaning in and kissed him all soft and slow. “Any better?” 

Bucky giggled and shook his head. “Yeah, I’m a little happier now, but I'm no warmer.” Tucking his freezing hands by Steve’s neck he said, “See?” 

“How are you so cold all the time?” Steve grabbed Bucky’s hands and rubbed them in his to try to help. 

“I don’t know,” Bucky said as he nuzzled as close as the airplane seats would allow him to get. “I think it’s just me.” 

Steve tensed up for a moment, thinking people might be looking at them, but he relaxed again. “You being cold is part of your charm.” 

“Not a very good charm to have,” Bucky muttered. He definitely noticed the tensing up this time. He didn’t realize Steve did it quite so often when they were in public. And he was curious but he left it for now.  

“If you weren't cold, I could never warm you up. It’s a good charm. It makes me feel necessary,” Steve joked back. 

Bucky curled his hands into Steve’s hoodie pocket and just stayed there. “You’re necessary for other things.” 

“Generating warmth is my primary function,” Steve countered. The plane was dark and they were surrounded by strangers. They could be at least a little touchy without arousing suspicion, Steve thought.  

“You’re my favorite.”  

Steve blushed and ran a hand over Bucky’s hair to get it out of his eyes. “You’re  _my_ favorite.” 

“Will you be mad if I sleep through the flight and leave you by yourself?” 

“Why would I be mad about that? I mean, if the options are you freezing to death or you sleeping...” 

“Well, I didn’t know if you wanted to talk or watch a movie or anything.” 

Steve chuckled softly. “I always want to spend time with you. But if you need to sleep, you can.” 

“Well, okay, I am going to nap. If I were you, I would try to sleep too. Because my nephew and my mom have a lot of energy and you’re going to need to be able to keep up with them,” Bucky said. 

“Thanks for the warning.” Steve kissed Bucky’s forehead and then told him to get some sleep, all the while thinking,  _I love him? I love him._  

Once they landed, Bucky practically bounded off the plane and hustled through the airport. “Come on, Steve. Baggage claim!” He was so excited to go home to his family. Bucky also hadn’t given any thought as to what his family would call Steve. And once they were in the rental car, he was so focused on getting some family time that he forgot about it entirely – as well as forgetting how to drive properly. He had to get a hang of it again. 

Steve wondered how long it had been since Bucky last drove. But he had only affectionate eyes for him as he took them to Bucky’s parents’ house. Steve, after all, couldn’t drive a bit. 

“Okay, Baby, you ready?” Bucky asked as they got increasingly closer to the house. He had a huge grin on and he was equally excited to be with his family, and that Steve was going to get to have a family for Christmas again. 

Steve was so nervous. He was meeting the princess’s family. This sweet man who was not his man, but also his man at the same time. He clutched Bucky’s free hand for a second and went ahead and asked, “How are you going to introduce me to them?” 

“Um...” Bucky stared ahead at the road and thought hard. He actually had to have an answer for this now. “I don’t know. I thought about it for a second but then I couldn't figure it out. Because how do I explain this to my family in a way that doesn’t make us look strange.” 

Steve had an awkward feeling in his stomach. Maybe they should have established this beforehand. “When you explained that I was coming with you, what did you say?” 

“I just said I was bringing someone. So, that’s vague...” Bucky hadn’t even said that he was bringing a friend or a roommate or anything. It was just ‘another human being is coming with me’ sort of information. 

Steve shrugged and tried to play this off casually but inside he was in some amount of turmoil. “I mean... whatever you think is best.”  

Bucky finally decided as they pulled into the driveway. “Boyfriends,” he said firmly. “Leave all the stuff, we can come back for it. Let’s go inside.” Bucky’s excitement made Steve excited too. And there was just a wave of Barnes’ to greet them at the door. Bucky took it upon himself to do introductions. “Mom, Steve. Dad, Steve. Rebecca, Steve.” 

Steve was taken aback by how much all these people looked like Bucky. The family resemblance was very strong. He also went for a handshake and got pulled into a big hug. 

“Babe, no. Barnes’ don’t handshake,” Bucky said with a little giggle. 

Steve had a weird rush come over him.  _He said ‘_ _boyfriends’_ _. He called me ‘Babe’ in front of his family._ He wasn’t sure if it meant anything but he was damn happy to have it happen. “Oh, that explains a lot.” Bucky’s excessive cuddling made sense now. 

George Barnes, who was a large hulking sort of man with muscles and tattoos all over, said, “Welcome to our home, Son. We are so glad to have you here.” He was immensely friendly and that helped offset how intimidating he looked. He used to be a professional boxer. Being hugged by him was like being hugged by a rhino. 

“Thank you for letting me spend the holidays here. It means a lot.”  _Family? Family?_ Steve’s brain was going haywire. 

Bucky peeked around his sister and added, “This is my brother-in-law Xavier and this is their son Maxime.” 

Maxime stood tall as he could on his toes and assessed Steve. His father was French and both his parents and himself were fluent. He also relished in the fact that he got to confuse new people by speaking a language they wouldn’t understand. “Bonjour Steve, Je suis Maxime. Et tu ne comprends pas ce que je dis mais c’est pas grave parce que tonton Bucky ne parle pas français non plus.”  _Hello, Steve. I’m Maxime. And you don’t know what I’m saying but that’s okay because Uncle Bucky doesn’t speak French either._  

Steve actually answered him in French, surprising everyone present. “Oh, je parle français, mon petit Maxime. Bucky peut-être pas mais moi oui.”  _Oh, I speak French, Little Maxime. Bucky might not, but I do._  

Bucky’s eyes went wider than Maxime’s and they both stared up at Steve, utterly impressed. Steve spoke French? Bucky had no idea.  

Xavier and Rebecca joined in then and voiced their own amazement to Steve. “Steve, tu parles français?” 

Steve nodded. “Je l'ai étudié à l'école.”  _I studied it for a while in school._  

Bucky was just caught listening to Steve with his heart clenching and his gut turning. He willed himself not to pop a boner just because Steve was speaking French and that really did it for him.  _Save it for later, Bucky._ Bucky proved to his family that he was just as unaware of this as he asked, “Steve, you speak French?” Bucky had tried really hard to learn but it just never stuck. He really wanted to talk to his brother-in-law and nephew in French but he was just so bad at languages.  

“I do,” Steve said to Bucky. He even had a decent accent. “Don’t ask me to count very high, though. I’m not the best at numbers.” 

Bucky brushed his thumb over Steve’s cheek and shook his head.  _This sexy_ _mofo_ _._ There was no way he wasn’t going to have Steve talk to him in French the next time they had sex. He wouldn’t let that opportunity go. “You’re always hiding surprises, Steve.” 

Steve blushed deep red. Bucky was touching his face in front of his family. “Maybe one or two.” 

“You didn’t think that was a good answer when I asked about hidden talents?” 

“Maybe I just wanted it to stay a little hidden.” Maybe this way was just more impressive than telling him outright.  

“Cheeky...” Bucky excused them both and dragged Steve back outside so they could get their bags. He stopped him by the car and kissed him slow and needy. His hand was on Steve’s hip and he told himself not to cup Steve’s ass right now. He looked up into his eyes and felt a tug at his heart that he couldn’t explain. Steve was just so wonderful in every way. “You’re so fucking hot. I can’t believe you know French,” he said as snow fell around them. 

“That’s a turn on for you?” Steve asked. He kissed him a few more times and hoped no one was staring out the window at them. He thought it was a little weird to make out in front of Bucky’s parents’ house, but he also really needed Bucky just then too. He was also thinking about how - besides Steve’s past boyfriends and a few other people - Bucky’s family were the only other people to know he wasn’t straight. But he tried not to focus on that just then. 

“Are you kidding me? Did you hear yourself earlier? It’s hot as hell,” Bucky said and lowered his hands over Steve’s stomach so he could get the idea of what Bucky was hoping for. “And I’m sure it'll sound amazing with you maybe talking a little French to me later tonight?” 

Steve leaned in closer and whispered in Bucky’s ear. “Bien sûr, on peut faire l’amour ce soir bébé.”  _Of course, we can make love tonight, Baby._  

“Fuck... that’s incredible...” Bucky pushed against him for a second, needing to be close as possible. “We have the basement to ourselves. It’s not amazing but we have a bed and it’s dark and there’s an abundance of blankets.” 

“I can very much work with that.” Steve kissed him again and then got their bags out of the trunk. “Should we get back inside?” 

They headed back in and started to unpack all their things in the basement. It was a pretty moderate sort of basement. The couch pulled out into a bed that was reasonably nice. It wasn’t a springy uncomfortable one. Bucky also added layers and layers of blankets on top because he knew he was going to be so cold. 

“You do know I’ll hold you all night, right? You’re not going to be that cold,” Steve said. Bucky was his babe and he would hold him and keep him warm. 

“Yeah, but, Steve, it’s so fucking cold. I’ll cuddle up to you and have a bunch of blankets just in case.” Bucky was a human popsicle. “I can kick them off if I don’t need them.” 

Steve grabbed Bucky’s arm gently and pulled him in close. He was cold still. He wrapped his arms around him and rocked them side to side slightly. “I like your family,” He said. “You and Rebecca look so alike.” 

Bucky molded his body to Steve’s happily and nuzzled into his chest. Steve was so gloriously warm. “Yeah, we do. We might be able to find pictures of when she still had long hair. We looked almost the same then.” 

“You’re so cold,” Steve whispered. “It's like you’re Brooklyn but only in the winter. You’re made out of snow, I swear.” Steve brushed his hand over Bucky’s hair and accidentally skimmed over a hair clip, earning a soft whine from Bucky. “I know, I know. Don’t mess up the barrettes.” 

Bucky was about two seconds away from warning Steve to be careful with his hair, but then Steve got it and Bucky couldn’t help but beam at how much Steve understood him.  _He gets me. He’s careful. He knows the rules._ “I actually like winter the best. Isn't that funny? I love the lights and pretty glittery snow. It's so lovely.” 

“You’re so lovely,” Steve countered as he gently kissed the top of Bucky’s head.  

Bucky hummed and touched down Steve’s chest and abs and landed softly on his hips. Steve was so astonishing to him. He couldn’t figure out if he was real or not sometimes. He was just beyond lovely and the best guy Bucky had ever known. “And you're a fucking dream.” 

“You’re making me all shy.” 

“Don't be shy. It's just you and me right now. And I love being with you. Just all the time. This has been so good.”  _I love being with you, Steve. I love..._  

Steve blushed and squeezed Bucky a little tighter.  _Love?_  “I feel most like myself when I’m with you. And you're important to me. I think I get shy because you’re so important.” 

“Steve, you don’t have to be shy, though. We’ve seen the best and worst of each other and we have become close friends and we have fucked a whole lot. I don’t think there’s much left to be shy about,” Bucky said. 

 _I’m a little shy about the fact that I love you._ Steve held his lips against Bucky’s temple in a soft kiss. He never wanted to leave this moment right here. 

“Dinner will be ready soon. But then later you'll speak French to me, right?” Bucky peeled away from Steve and changed out of his hoodie to put on a nicer sweater. 

“All the French you want.” 

After a bit, Bucky’s mom called them up for dinner. Bucky took Steve’s hand in his and pulled him up the stairs. He was excited to have his first meal back with his family. And the funny thing was that Bucky always ate more when he was with his family. It wasn’t like he ate a lot, just more. He would sit and eat a small portion of a meal instead of taking two or three bites and calling it a day. And Bucky’s family was well aware of his eating habits. They worried all the time about it.  

Steve, on the other hand, wasn’t used to seeing Bucky eat an actual meal. He just stared at him while he ate and watched as Bucky made it past five bites of food then six, then seven. He clearly wasn’t going to say anything at the dinner table about it but he was certainly surprised. He just placed his hand on Bucky’s knee and shook it off for now. 

Bucky moved to lace his fingers in with Steve’s and he attempted to continue eating with his non-dominant hand. Winifred piped up then and asked, “So, Steve, what do you do? What’s your job?” 

Steve blinked out of his trance of thinking of Bucky. “I’m an assistant operations manager at a firm in the city,” he said.  _Good money, boring job_. “The view at work might be the best part,” he added with a smile aimed at Bucky. 

Bucky smirked and bit his lip before candidly and giddily saying, “He’s talking about me.” He grinned at his family and then back at Steve. “He used to walk by my desk twenty-one times a day to get to the shredder just as an excuse to come be near me.” 

“That was one time, Bucky,” Steve said and repeated quietly, “Once.” He was so red talking about this in front of Bucky’s family. “And I think that worked in my favor in the end, didn’t it?” 

“You still sometimes come by without a good reason,” Bucky said, temporarily forgetting to include his family in this discussion. “And you actively try to distract me in meetings. So, there's that too.” 

“You’re the good reason, Sweetheart. Seeing your face is a good reason.”  _Cool it, Steve._ “Again, that was a grand total of once. Then I learned my lesson.” 

Bucky giggled and then remembered they weren’t just hanging out in his apartment together. He cleared his throat and turned back to his parents. “Anyway, yeah. Steve works with me. We've known each other for a while but this whole thing is pretty new.” 

Winifred said, “‘Kind of new’ meaning you have been friends for a while before you started dating? Any talk of anything serious yet? Living together?” This was a woman who had to get used to her daughter getting married really young to an older French man without telling anyone. She was sort of expecting to find out that Steve and Bucky were already in the adoption process or something.  

Steve tried hard not to say that boy, he wished that were the case. “We’d been work friends for almost a year. Then it sort of transitioned into something else.” He brushed Bucky’s hair back from his shoulder, just taking a second to admire him. “I think we’re both just waiting to see what happens.” It was only about half-true. 

Bucky gave a little nod. That answer would do for now. He hoped it didn’t seem too odd to his family that he brought a boyfriend home for Christmas without any serious plans in the works. “The good news is that Tatum doesn’t hate him now. He tolerates Steve. So, that’s at least something for now.” 

“But I understand why Tatum would be protective of Bucky,” Steve said.  _Who wouldn’t be? He’s so precious._  

Rebecca shifted the conversation away from the romantic back to Steve’s bilingual surprise. “So, where did you learn French?” 

“I took French in high school. And in college, just for fun. I had a scholarship to do a semester abroad in junior year. So, I went to France,” Steve said. 

Xavier put an arm around Becca and asked, “Where in France did you go?” 

Steve proceeded to regale them with stories from his study-abroad trip. Having conversations with Bucky’s family was just so  _easy._ He talked about being in Paris for an arts and culture focused program. He spent a lot of time studying art but never making any himself.  

Bucky sat back and just listened to Steve talk to his family. He held his hand and kissed it a few times here and there. He wasn’t sure what this oddly warm yet nervous feeling was that was growing inside him. It was comfortable but also intimidating. Why did he feel so attached to him all the time? 

Eventually, Maxime, who Bucky called ‘Emmy’, had to go to sleep so, Becca and Xavier left to tuck him in. Bucky and Steve helped clean up the table. But, after a while, his parents were heading off as well.  

“Okay, Steve, Babe, bedtime,” Bucky said with the biggest eyes he could give him. It was time to get downstairs. It was time to warm up with Steve, to be close to Steve, to fuck Steve. 

“Yeah, we really need to sleep,” Steve teased and slapped Bucky’s ass since no one was around.  

“Uh-huh, sleep,” Bucky joked back and led Steve to their bed.  

Steve pet Bucky’s cheek and kissed his jaw. “You look tired, Bucky.”  

“Not tired yet,” Bucky protested. He wasn’t ready to sleep. But he did know of an activity that would get him closer to that. The second the door was locked, Bucky started to strip off his clothes. He knew he was going to be colder but it was time for sex. 

“Let me?” Steve asked as he guided Bucky backwards towards the bed with his hand on the hem of his shirt. 

“Uh-huh. Yes, Baby, of course,” Bucky agreed. He eagerly let Steve pull his clothes off and deposit them in a little pile on a chair next to them. He finally stood naked and shivering in front of Steve.  

Steve stripped down quickly and wrapped his body around Bucky for warmth. And Bucky asked for French, so Steve gave him French. “Bébé, tu es si beau et si sexy. Je ne peux pas expliquer à quel point je suis heureux d’être ici, avec toi, maintenant.”  _Baby, you are so lovely and so sexy. I can’t explain how happy I am to be here with you right now._  

Bucky was so immediately turned on. Everything Steve said was always spectacular, but it was a million times better in French – even if he couldn’t understand a syllable of it. Bucky kept quiet so he wouldn’t ruin it with English. He just wrapped his legs up around Steve and touched all over him. 

Steve switched back to English to ask, “Do you want me inside of you?” 

“Yes. Yeah. I do, please.” Bucky was already breathy and needy. “I would never say no to that.” Having sex with Steve, no matter how they did it, was one of Bucky’s all-time favorite things.  

“Did you bring lube?” Steve didn’t think to grab any. 

Bucky nodded. “My pink bathroom bag. There’s a whole bottle in the bottom.” 

Steve got up from the bed and rummaged around in the bag. He found the lube but there were no condoms. “Bucky, do you have condoms somewhere else?”  

Bucky was horny as fuck so it was hard to register what Steve asked for a moment. He sat up, his dick pointing up with him. “There should be like several with the lube. I tossed in a new box.” 

“There’s... uh, there’s not,” Steve said and showed him the bag.  

“What?” Bucky could have sworn he packed some. “Check the front pocket of my clothes bag instead.” They had to be somewhere, right? He didn’t realize he left them on the nightstand at his apartment. 

Steve was fast in looking through the entire bad. “There’s nothing.” 

“Fuck. Really?” Bucky scrambled off the bed too and came to look for himself just in case Steve missed it. But he was right. There was nothing. Bucky slowly looked up into Steve’s eyes. He didn’t say anything yet. He just wore a look that told how much he wanted to just go without. But he didn’t want to be the one to suggest it. 

Steve stared back at him. He could read that expression. He knew what Bucky was asking. “Are you sure?” Steve wasn’t afraid of doing it bareback now. It was Bucky, after all. This was them. 

Bucky gave a silent nod. His eyes were wide as he pressed himself to Steve again. He was cold and hard and he wanted Steve to fuck him and speak French to him. “Is that okay? We don’t have to. If you want to wait, we can get some tomorrow at the store.” 

“No. It’s okay,” Steve said. He had never had sex without one but he really wanted to with Bucky. He brought him back to the bed with the lube in hand. He wanted to make sure this was perfect for Bucky tonight. 

Bucky’s heart was pounding in his chest. He knew Steve was so careful and this was a big deal that he would agree to going bareback with him. It was a big step. Steve trusted him so much. “Thank you. Fuck. Thank you, Baby.” Bucky put his hands on the back of Steve’s neck and pulled him in close for more kisses. 

Steve obliged for a minute and then chuckled and pulled away. “I can't talk to you if I’m kissing you, Bucky.”  

“Okay. Okay, yeah, good point.” Bucky laid back and spread his legs open, showing off his hole for Steve. 

Steve sighed and touched over his inner thighs as he looked at Bucky’s ass. “Look at you. You’re so beautiful.”  _That’s all mine. He’s all mine. Mine._   

“Thank you,” Bucky whispered and tugged at his cock. “Is my hair okay?” He wanted to look as cute as he could. 

“Still good.” Steve loved this absolute princess, this soft beautiful man. He finally got lube on his fingers and brushed the tips of two fingers over his hole before pushing them in. He knew Bucky could take them both. They had done this before.  

Bucky gasped and moaned. “Talk to me?” he asked as he pulled a blanket over his torso because he was just far too cold to be entirely naked right now.  

Steve started back up with some French and it was all romantic right off the bat. “J’ai tellement de chance de voir tes beaux yeux quand je me réveille le matin.”  _I’m so lucky to see your beautiful eyes when I wake up every morning._  “A chaque fois qu’on est ensemble, ma vie est plus belle, plus vivante et je suis heureux.”  _Every time we are together, my life is brighter and happier and warm._ Steve kept on like that while he fingered Bucky open. “Are you ready for me?” he asked and pulled his fingers out and lubed up his cock. 

“Yes, I am,” Bucky assured him as he lifted his legs and scooted a little on the bed so he was in a better position for him. “You’re perfect, Steve. And you’re so hot when you speak French.” 

“You make me a better man,” Steve said.  _Not perfect without you, Bucky._ Steve pressed inside him. He went slow but didn’t stop until he was all the way inside of Bucky’s tight, hot ass. 

Bucky, like usual, needed just a second to relax and adjust. It was a big dick. But then he was nodding to Steve to go ahead and fuck him. It was finally actually occurring to Bucky that this would be over soon. It was already Christmas. And January would go by fast and then it would be the first week of February and then there would be no more Steve – at least not like this. 

Steve decided to take it slow and sweet, to take his good time with it. He got close to Bucky and really laid his body over his to be as connected as possible. He was tearing up and he hoped to god Bucky couldn’t tell. He just kept fucking into him and saying more compliments and confessions in French.  

Bucky still had no clue what Steve was saying but he liked to hear him say it. He could have been discussing the weather for all Bucky knew. Bucky didn’t really care what Steve was saying because he sounded so good, and Steve was fucking him so gently but meaningfully. Bucky felt warm and whole. He felt complete when Steve was around. How was he just realizing that then? 

Steve peppered kisses over Bucky’s face and neck and figuring out all the ways to say ‘I love you’ without using the words themselves. He knew Bucky would be bound to know what he was saying, if he did. “J’aime tout de toi. J’aime ta bienveillance, ton corps sexy, ton esprit brillant et ta belle âme.”  _I love everything about you. I love your kind heart and your hot body and your brilliant mind and your beautiful soul_. Steve started to cry in earnest. He was quite literally making love to Bucky for the first time and he couldn’t even share that truth with him.  

Steve just loved Bucky so much. He loved him. And this was temporary. And that was killing him. He knew he was going to love Bucky for the rest of his life. He just knew it. “J’aime être avec toi, j’aime que l’on soit ensemble, juste toi et moi. J’aime chaque moment. J’aime le monde que nous avons créé ensemble.”  _I love being with you and I love being together, just you and me. I love every moment. I love the world we made together._ The tears kept coming. 

“Steve? Hey... Baby... hey?” Bucky whispered when he felt wet spots falling on his skin. He noticed Steve’s body shaking and he didn’t know what was happening. Was he hurt? Was he broken? 

Steve sniffled. “I’m okay, Bucky. You’re here. I’m okay.” That’s why he was okay. Bucky was there. 

Bucky’s first thought was that Steve was emotional because he was spending a holiday with a family and he missed his own so much. He slipped his arms up over Steve and held him close as he kept fucking him. “I’m here, Stevie. I’m here.” He wanted to tell him that he wouldn’t leave him. But that wasn’t that true, was it? 

Steve couldn’t stop crying. He wasn’t a wreck or anything, but he just couldn’t get himself to quit it. He was feeling too many feelings at once. “Thank you for this. Thank you for you,” he rambled to Bucky. 

Bucky felt terrible that he was about to come and Steve was crying. How insensitive could he be? He felt every rhythmic, wonderful thrust and he just couldn’t keep it in if he tried. “I’m sorry. I’m gonna-” He tried to apologize even though he couldn’t help it as he came between them. 

Steve was still misty but he shook his head. “No, that’s okay. It’s what I wanted. You’re supposed to come.” Even that meant a lot to Steve. 

Bucky was satiated and newly, surprisingly lovestruck. He blinked a few times to get any of his own tears to go away. He was getting emotional just seeing how emotional Steve was inside him. “You... you can come inside if you want.” He knew that wasn’t a given when going bareback so he wanted Steve to know he wanted that. He wanted Steve’s come inside him. The thought of it made him feel so at ease and protected. 

Steve was just about to pull out and jerk himself off to finish. But then he really thought about how he was inside of Bucky, with nothing at all between them. It was just them. He was inside his sweet princess. And they were close and warm together. And then he came with only thoughts of how he never wanted to be disconnected from Bucky ever again. 

Bucky gasped as he felt Steve’s strong bursts of come inside him. There was a warm body on top of him and hot come inside of him. He wanted to freeze this exact moment and return to it over and over. Relaxing back on the mattress, he let them both have a few moments of quiet contemplation. He was exhausted like he always was after an orgasm, and his eyes were having a hard time staying open.  

“I should get you cleaned up,” Steve whispered. He needed to get Bucky into some pajamas so he didn’t freeze.  

“No, no! Just wait a second. Just wait.” Bucky gripped Steve’s arms and held him there so he wouldn’t get up. “Just lay here for a minute or so, okay? That was really intimate sex. I need a second just to hold you.” Bucky thought it was better to just be transparent about it. But he was so tired and it only took a minute or two and he was fast asleep. 

Steve held Bucky for a little while longer. Eventually, though, he peeled himself off of him and cleaned him with a warm washcloth. Bucky’s come really made a mess of his stomach. And Steve couldn’t just leave him like that. He needed to take care of him. All he could think was,  _I love him and I'm going to lose him._  

Steve got himself dressed in pajamas – just a pair of pants and a tank top since he was warm all the time. He also did his level best to get Bucky into his pajamas and a sweater. Bucky was easy to lift and move around since he was so light.  

After a bit, Steve was able to relax into bed with Bucky. Bucky’s sprawling limbs were already taking up all the space so Steve moved him carefully on his side. If Bucky was little spoon, Steve could keep him contained a lot better. It was Steve’s favorite way to fall asleep now.


	10. Chapter 10

Waking up in Steve’s arms never got old. He usually woke up before him and he got to just lay there and watch him sleep for a while. Bucky was reassessing. He was trying to figure things out and take in every moment with Steve. He didn’t want this to end. He knew he had a month and two weeks, but still. However, he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to make a real commitment. But Steve was so important to him. How could he just let him walk away once this was done? 

Bucky's thoughts were interrupted as Steve blinked his eyes open to stare back at Bucky. “Hi, Pretty,” he said as if waking up to Bucky looking at him was the only thing he needed to keep him going. 

“Morning, Rogers,” Bucky said and snuggled in closer to give him a morning kiss. He also really wanted to ask why Steve was crying the night before. He was thinking it was about being with a family again. But he knew it was probably a bad idea to ask him. 

“You have sex hair,” Steve observed and smiled to himself because he could ruffle this impeccable princess in the best way. 

Bucky blushed, embarrassed because he was a mess and he knew it. He should be pretty. He liked being pretty and perfect. His hands went to his hair and he tried matting it down and running his fingers through it to help. 

Steve shook his head and grabbed Bucky’s hands so he would stop. “You look perfect. Absolutely beautiful.” 

“But my hair...” Bucky didn’t think Steve understood. But he let it go anyway. “Did you sleep well? I know this bed isn't really as good as mine at home.” 

“I was pretty tuckered out.” Steve slept so well. Bucky is an angel. My angel. 

“Good. I’m glad you slept okay. I was tired too. Traveling makes me sleepy. And you know how fast I sleep after I come.” This felt so domestic and familiar and intimate to Bucky. It was just them being together like always. 

“Yeah, you get all snuggly and then just check out.” 

Bucky let out a pleased little sigh and moved to rest his head on Steve’s chest. “We can just lay here and have a lazy morning if you want to. My family won’t be up for a bit longer, I don’t think.” 

“I really like your family,” Steve said, echoing his sentiment from the day before. 

“I think they really like you too,” Bucky assured him. “You really impressed them with the surprise French. Impressed me too.” 

It was Steve’s turn to blush now as he remembered how much he had said to Bucky. He said too much to Bucky. He confessed too much. “Yeah, I could tell that impressed you.” Steve stroked his hand down Bucky’s back. 

“You’re so cute... and I can’t believe you never said anything before about speaking French.” Bucky also finally realized he was wearing clothes. “Oh, hey. You dressed me. Thanks.” 

“I didn’t want you to get cold. So, I thought it would be better to dress you.” 

“My sister said they are ice skating tonight. Do you want to go with them? We don’t have to stick with them all the time. We can go out on our own today.” 

Steve would love some quality Bucky time. But he also wanted time with the family he was stealing for the holiday too. “I think I would like to go ice skating.” 

“Sure. We can go. I should warn you, I’m kind of amazing at ice skating.” Bucky also thought ice skating was extremely romantic. 

Of course, he’s good at ice skating. “I’m not so amazing. But... you’ve got me, right?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll make sure you don’t fall,” Bucky said. 

“No hard feelings if I do fall.” Steve knew Bucky wouldn’t be able to hold him up if he started to slip. “I’m a little bit bigger than you, if you haven't noticed,” he joked. 

Bucky shrugged like it was no big deal. “I’ll catch you. Don’t worry. I can be strong occasionally.” Bucky thought he could do it. He could carry Steve. Maybe. Probably. 

Steve smiled softly and decided not to burst Bucky’s bubble. “I know you’re strong. Those legs, Bucky.” 

“Yeah! I’m strong!” Bucky’s confident face radiated back at Steve. He didn’t realize Steve was just being nice. Bucky finally slipped off the bed. “Alright, Rogers. I think it’s time to get out of this bed. We need to shower before breakfast.” 

Steve looked over to the little industrial shower that was tucked into the corner of the basement. “Are we showering together?” Steve asked, almost as if he was worried if they were that close and naked together then they would end up doing other things that would make them miss breakfast. 

“Yes, of course.” Bucky shrugged again and took Steve’s hand. It was just a given that they would shower together even if it was super small. 

And Steve really couldn’t control himself either. Almost the second they were in the shower, Steve’s hands were on Bucky’s soft pretty ass and he was squeezing lightly. Bucky, to his credit, held out pretty long. But after a while, it was hard to ignore and he couldn’t help it either. He dropped to his knees and immediately pulled Steve’s cockhead into his mouth and down his throat. 

Steve had thought he would get Bucky’s resolve to crack but he didn’t anticipate that Bucky would do that. He figured they might just make out or even give each other hand jobs. “Oh,” Steve breathed and found the shower bar to hold on to. 

Bucky looked up at him with the rush of water coming down against his face and hair. He looked like a cold, wet angel. He spent a lot of time focusing on the head until he finally, finally took him all the way down again. Bucky sucked him down over and over and thought about how he had Steve’s come in his ass the night before and now he would have it in his mouth again. It was exactly what he wanted right now. 

Steve tugged his hands through Bucky’s hair so he could get a hold on him. He didn’t pull his hair but he did jerk his hips back and started to fuck Bucky’s face a tiny bit. 

Bucky had his eyes closed and his mouth as open as it could be. He loved when Steve took over like this and he just held Steve’s legs to keep himself steady. 

It didn’t take much longer before Steve was ready to come. Bucky pulled off enough so he would shoot out over his tongue. Steve tasted amazing and Bucky wanted him to know he liked it. 

“Fuck, Bucky,” Steve gasped as he came back from his orgasm. “You’re... everything,” he whispered happily down at him. “Get up here. I want to kiss you.” 

Bucky obliged easily and stuck his mouth on Steve’s greedily. They kept up like that until Bucky’s sister shouted down at them that breakfast was almost ready. 

\- 

Steve hadn’t really been kidding about not being a great skater. When they first started, he slipped all over the place and had to cling to Bucky to help keep him on his feet. It calmed down after a while, but Steve didn’t let go of his anchor once. Maybe that was just because he could be close to him like this. Steve would never tell. 

Bucky, for once in his life, felt like the big man. He got to be a little proud and show that he was the one who was physically in charge right then. He held Steve close and secure and said, “I got you, Babe. Don’t worry. I’m not going to let you fall on that tight ass of yours.” 

“Talking about my ass in public again, Buck?” Steve giggled. 

“Yes. And it won't be the last time so, get used to it,” Bucky said, unaware he was speaking in the long term so much lately. 

Steve caught it too but he didn’t let it get him worked up or hopeful. “All part of the Bucky Barnes experience?” he asked and almost slipped again because he was distracted by the soft curls that Bucky put in his hair. 

“Yeah. All part of the experience,” Bucky agreed. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky saw Rebecca take a picture of them skating together. He gasped as an idea hit him and he dragged Steve over to her. He wanted a posed picture together, not a candid. Bucky placed an arm around Steve’s middle and kissed his cheek for the first picture. He looked like a dream in his baby pink and light grey outfit – a t-shirt with some warm tights and a long coat. His hair was gently curled so it fell down around his face in little waves. Steve was wearing dark jeans and a tight forest green sweater. He had also grown his beard out for Christmas and it tickled a little when Bucky kissed it. 

Steve hadn’t expected the kiss and he stared over at Bucky as Becca took another one. They just smiled at each other for a few long moments and all Steve could think was, Just say it. Tell him you love him. Just tell him. He’s right there. I love you, Bucky. I love you. 

Bucky looked away to tell his sister, “Okay, just one more of us actually looking at the camera.” These were the very first pictures they had of them together. He wanted as many as possible and he wanted them to be perfect. 

“It’s going to be hard to look good in a picture with someone as pretty as you,” Steve whispered and leaned in to kiss him on the lips, which Rebecca got on camera too. 

Bucky shook his head and protested. “No. You look perfect.” 

“Mhmm, sure, Bucky.” Steve knew Bucky didn’t get it. Bucky didn’t get that he was the most beautiful creature to ever live. 

“We can have Becca print them out later.” He nuzzled in against Steve again and tucked up under his chin. “It’s so cold,” he added, shivering a little to make a point. 

“I can get us drinks?” Steve asked. “I saw a little cafe in there?” 

“Yeah. They have hot apple cider and hot chocolate. But I don’t like apple cider,” Bucky said, instead of just saying he wanted hot chocolate. “Thank you, Babe.” 

“Don’t freeze without me,” Steve warned and tromped back into the building to get them something to drink. 

Rebecca was inside looking at the photos and warming up. She saw him come in and pulled him aside before he could go anywhere. “Steve, come here.” She eyed him and then glanced back out to the rink at her brother and her husband skating in the child’s rink with Maxime. 

Steve followed over to her and waited a second. “Do you want me to get drinks for you and Maxime too?” 

“No, no, Buddy. I just want to talk,” Becca said and patted the seat next to hers. She was a very intimidating sort of woman. She was almost as short as Bucky, a little taller, and she looked like she was built about the same too. But something about her was unreasonable scary to Steve. And he couldn’t pin down exactly what it was. Maybe it was the hair. Or the way she said ‘Buddy’. Or the fact that Steve could tell she could kick his ass if she wanted to. 

“We can talk,” Steve said slowly and took the seat, feeling like he was just threatened by the mafia or something. Maybe she’s going to kill me. 

“So...” she started. “You seem to make Bucky smile a lot.” She gave him a little sideways grin and folded her arms. 

“Yeah, I sort of do,” Steve said tentatively, unsure where this was going. 

“He likes you a lot.” Rebecca knew her brother well. She could tell he was in love – even if he didn’t know it yet. She smiled out at her family and then changed her tone entirely as she switched back to Steve and said sharply, “Are you good to him?” 

Steve was taken aback but he relaxed into his seat and thought he would just be as honest as he could be. He knew she would see through anything else. “I try my hardest to treat him the way he deserves. And he deserves the entire world.” And the moon and the stars and whatever else his heart desires. I don’t care what it is. 

“Mmm.” She gave a short hum and assessed Steve with calculating eyes. “Do you know about any of his past boyfriends? You know how much he’s gotten dicked over and hurt?” 

“I won’t hurt him,” Steve said firmly, although he couldn’t promise that. 

“His longest-running boyfriend left him after two years. He claimed he couldn’t handle dating a dancer anymore because of the way other men would touch his boyfriend. But I know he found someone he thought was hotter. Because it was another dancer at another club,” Becca said, anger still in her voice after all this time. “That was after two whole years. And then Bucky quit dancing.” 

Steve stared back at her. He couldn’t believe anyone would do that to his Bucky. He furrowed his brow and shook his head. It was obvious he hurt for him so much. “Rebecca, that-” He didn’t know how to tell her that’s not what this was. “I’m not like that.” 

“You work with him, right?” 

“I do.” 

She nodded and mentally checked a box and moved onto the next point she needed to cover with this new boyfriend. “So, you saw him in his work clothes for a while before his regular clothes?” She needed to know he was okay with how Bucky presented himself. 

“We worked together for nearly a year before we got together.” Steve was so worried she was going to realize that they had literally only been ‘together’ for a matter of weeks at this point. 

“Uh-huh. So, did you guys hang out outside the office before you started dating?” she asked. “When did you start working there?” 

“Um. Not outside of work, so much. If everyone went to happy hour, we’d go.” Steve thought for a second. This felt like an interview. But he knew how important it was that he answer everything honestly. “Late October of last year.” 

“Last October... so, you two have been together for two months?” She didn’t seem impressed. 

“Yeah. Two months.” Walked into that one, Rogers. He wasn’t even getting that defensive. This was Bucky’s sister after all. She deserved to know. But he didn’t know if she had any place to comment on a relationship going quickly. 

“Steve, I’m going to be very honest with you,” Rebecca said and sat up straighter. “Bucky is my brother and my best friend and I love him more than anyone else does.” She paused like she was waiting for him to try to claim that he loved him more than her. She was ready to combat that but it didn’t come. “And I can’t handle seeing him get hurt again. He's unique and he’s special and he’s loving. He's a lot. I know that. So, that means he needs someone else who is a lot and knows how to handle him.” Is that you, Steve? 

Steve had a flash of a moment where he wanted to explain everything to her – the cuffing, the short-term agreement, his head-over-heels infatuation with Bucky – but he didn’t. He wanted to tell her that he would give Bucky his everything for the rest of his life. But Bucky didn’t... want that. He was quiet for far too long. “I wouldn’t ever say that I could ever love him more than you do,” he said slowly. “But I do know that he’s special and amazing and I’ve never met anyone quite like him before. I care about him so deeply. And I just... I just want to be with him and take care of him for as long as he’ll let me.” 

Rebecca took her time now too. She thought about his answer and tried to decide how she felt about it. But, eventually, she simply said, “Okay.” She gave him the smallest of smiles. “That’s fine. That’s good. I would threaten you not to hurt him and say that I will kill you if you do. But I have a son and I can’t risk jail time.” It was hard to tell if she was joking. 

Steve smiled, relieved she approved. “I would beat myself up enough if I ever hurt him.” 

“Good.” Becca got up and took what looked like some sort of power stance. “Because if not, I’ll send my father to come beat you up for me. And you might be big, but he’s even bigger. And he would go to jail for any of us.” Now, that was almost definitely a real threat. 

Part of Steve was certainly nervous because he didn’t think she was kidding around this time. The other part of him was just so happy that his princess had the best, most protective family ever. It made him happy that they loved and supported him so much. “I won’t do your brother wrong.” 

“Good. Because he doesn’t look at everyone the way he looks at you. And he will always be the best thing to happen to you.” Rebecca knew exactly how important Bucky was. She loved her brother to death. She nodded once and then walked away, dismissing Steve in the process. 

Steve’s heart did a little flip like it couldn’t believe Bucky actually liked him. But he was pretty sure that’s as far as it went. He finally brought him hot chocolate and Bucky looked to be damn near freezing. 

“Oh, hey, Steve. I thought you left,” Bucky joked and smiled up at him like he just missed his face so much. 

“I wouldn’t ever leave without you,” Steve said and gave him a little kiss. It was a strange thing for him – kissing in public. He had a hard time holding hands in New York, but here, where he didn’t know a soul except for Bucky’s family, he was generous with his touching and holding and kissing on Bucky. 

Bucky hummed and took the hot chocolate from Steve. “Thank you. But we might want to head out. I’m freezing and dying. And I think we should go have a little dinner with just us. I'm looking real cute and you’re... cute-ish.” He grinned at him so he knew it was a joke. 

“A very compelling argument.” Steve brushed Bucky’s hair out of his face and cupped his cheek. “Yeah. You and me time sounds good.” 

Bucky noticed the increase in PDA with Steve, but he thought it best not to comment on it for fear that it would go away. And Bucky really, really liked it. Maybe Steve was just letting himself be more relaxed. “What sort of food do you want? I know a couple places around here.” 

“Can we go somewhere cozy? With booths so that we can sit beside each other?” Steve wanted a semi-romantic sort of dinner, just being close together. 

“Uh-huh, Sure. There’s a steak house about twenty minutes away that’s pretty nice. My dad likes it.” Bucky knew the area pretty well now from all his visits to his parents. He could pretty much get around without a GPS. 

Steve wasn’t so sure on that one. Bucky didn’t drive in New York, only here. And Steve was just a little afraid to let him drive another twenty minutes - rightly so. That was a long while and he knew they would have an hour drive back to the airport when they left. It was best to minimize Bucky’s drive time. But who was Steve to judge? He couldn’t drive at all. “Is there any place closer?” Steve asked gently. 

“Mmm, we could try to go to this really fancy place just a minute or so from here. But it’s hard to get in without reservations. Or there’s a burger place just over there that’s not very fancy but it’ll be good food and they have booths.” Bucky drank some of his hot chocolate and wiggled happily as a welcome rush of warmth came over him. 

“That’s perfect,” Steve said, still touching on Bucky. “I don’t need fancy. I just need you.” 

“Cheeky.” Bucky blushed lightly. “Am I too overdressed for a burger joint? Maybe I should change. Put on some jeans or something.” 

“You look perfect.” Steve meant it too. Bucky could be wearing an outfit suited for the red carpet or his pajamas and Steve would still want to go to a comfortable burger place with him. “If anyone says anything, I’ll punch them.” He wasn’t joking. 

Bucky gave a little whine and gripped on to Steve’s arm. He kind of really wanted to get into a fist fight with Steve today. That always got him going. It was one of the hottest things, he thought, to defend himself with a date and get his adrenaline up. 

“I love how that got you excited.” Steve grinned down at him and kissed his forehead. He was hyper-aware that they were acting more like a couple than ever. Maybe it was just for the sake of fooling Bucky’s family. But Steve didn’t feel like it was. 

It didn’t even faze Bucky that they were acting differently at all. He just felt so right. He felt like this was perfectly natural for them. “You know I can’t resist a fight.” Steve helped Bucky out of the kiddy rink and pulled him in close so his arm was around his waist. “Okay. Let’s get you food. Come on,” Bucky added. 

\- 

The booth was tight and cozy and they squished together on one side so they could snuggle up as they ate food. The diner only served meals in large portions so they both ended up with giant burgers and tons of French fries. They both knew there was no way in hell Bucky was getting through all of his meal. “It’s so warm in here. Finally. I’ve been freezing for the past two hours,” Bucky complained and ate a fry. 

Steve rubbed a hand up and down Bucky’s thigh and felt how much warmer he was now than before and he was grateful. “You’re so good on the ice. I think the sacrifice was worth it.” 

“It’s about the only thing I can do, athletically speaking. I can run short distances and fight for a little bit, but that’s about it,” Bucky said. His hand found its way to Steve’s abs and he tucked it up under Steve’s shirt so he was feeling over his skin. “What did you and my sister talk about?” 

Steve sighed gently and looked on at Bucky with warm eyes. Life only felt right when this princess was touching him. “Uh,” He’s going to know if I lie. “We talked about you.” 

“Oh yeah? What about me?” Bucky asked curiously. He wasn’t aware that his sister had a whole interrogation and speech to give to any boyfriend of his who came her way. 

Steve got the feeling Bucky didn’t know. And he sort of didn’t want to tell him, because then they would have to acknowledge right now that none of this was real and they weren’t actually dating. “Good stuff. Good things. We talked about how special you are.” That was true. 

“Oh, yeah? Did you talk about how I'm the cutest accountant in the office?” He smiled like he needed Steve to tell him how adorable he was. Sometimes, he really liked the reminder. He also looked down at his burger, not yet having taken a bite of it. 

Steve touched Bucky’s free hand and said, “I’ll eat whatever you don’t. We can just take it to go, okay?” He didn’t want him to feel bad for not finishing his meal. I’m your boyfriend. I’m here to eat your extra food. Sort of boyfriend. “Also, I told Rebecca you were the second cutest in the whole office. I didn’t want to seem overeager.” 

“Okay. Who’s the first cutest? And don’t you dare say Davidson.” Bucky took his burger in both hands and took one little bite out of it. 

Steve observed him for a moment and then said, “I know Davidson’s your favorite, Bucky. I couldn’t ruin that,” Steve joked. “I was thinking Rosenberg?” 

“Rosenberg! He’s got the worst hair of anyone in our building!” Of course, that would be the one thing Bucky focused on the most. I have better hair than him. 

“He has nice eyes. They're warm.” Bucky’s were definitely nicer, but Steve had committed to the joke now. 

“You ass.” Bucky giggled and shook his head before taking another small yet significant bite of his food. 

Steve conceded, “You’re the cutest one in the office, Bucky.” There was no doubt about that in his mind. “And you have the best hair. Like I mean-” He stopped, blushing a little because he didn’t know if he wanted to tell him. 

“What? What is it?” Bucky asked and poked his side gently. 

Steve sighed and pulled out his phone. He brought up their text chain and showed him Bucky’s contact screen. He wasn’t sure if Bucky would like it or hate it that Steve had him in there as ‘Princess Soft Hair’. The caller ID picture was also Bucky’s bathtub selfie from the beginning of November. 

“Aww hey. Bubble Time Bucky,” Bucky said, observing the picture but not yet seeing the name. 

Steve grinning because he was just so damn cute. “No, look,” he said and pointed to the name for him. 

Bucky stared at it for a long moment and read over it a few times before looking up at Steve slowly and whispering, “You think I’m a princess?” 

Steve nodded shyly. “I do, yeah.” 

“You’re so...” Bucky didn’t know what to say. He adored that. He was a princess. I love... I love... “I’m really... happy with you.” He touched Steve’s face and kissed him ever so softly. 

“You’re happy with me?” Steve didn’t entirely get it. Did Bucky like the princess thing or not? 

“Yeah. I’m happy. I’m happy being with you. You’re...” Bucky still didn’t know how to explain it. Steve thought he was a princess. And that was the best, cutest thing ever. 

Steve couldn’t stop smiling at Bucky. Bucky just made him so happy all the time too. “You are a princess, you know.” 

Bucky uttered a little yip and bit his lower lip. They were at a restaurant. He couldn’t jump Steve’s bones right here. “I love that. You know? I love that you think I’m a princess.” 

“I mean. You're soft and good and pretty,” Steve informed him. “You’re also strong and funny and smart. These are all princess qualities.” 

Bucky nodded along as he spoke, more than pleased to take all this in. “You don’t mind dating a princess?” Bucky said ‘dating’. Not ‘cuffing’. Dating. Bucky didn’t realize his mistake. Or was it really a mistake? 

And that hit Steve like a canon. “Not at all,” he whispered, eyes wide. He knew Bucky must have said it by accident. But Steve was going to cling to that for as long as possible. Dating. 

Bucky took one last bite of his burger and ate two more fries then called it quits. He snuggled up to Steve and rested his head on him. “You keep eating and I'm going to touch you until you’re ready to leave and then we can go someplace alone. I’ll be a good princess and give you the royal treatment.” How cheesy. 

Steve, instead of rolling his eyes or giggling at that, just kissed his hair and said, “Okay, Princess Bucky.” 

Bucky beamed at him and settled his arm around him so he could trail his hand up and down his side. “Are you going to eat my dinner or should we take a box back to my parents’ place?” 

Steve looked down at Bucky’s plate. He was surprised and impressed with the relative dent Bucky put into it. He really wanted to ask him... but he thought it would be better to do that when they didn’t have food right in front of them. That might be a little rude. “A box. I mean, if we’re going to get up to something, I don’t want to be too full of burgers.” 

“Okay. A box then,” Bucky said. They were definitely going to do stuff. Steve called him a princess! Was Bucky just supposed to not want to have sex with him a million times now? “You want to go someplace other than my parents’ house? We could find a bar or something? Or a hotel for a few hours?” 

“A hotel for a few hours.” Steve had never in his life considered having sex in a bar and the thought still scandalized him a little. 

“Okay. That works. It’s fine to fuck in the basement, but I think tonight might be louder,” Bucky said honestly. He was feeling really hot right now. 

Steve was very intrigued now. He wanted to make Bucky squirm. “I’ll make you feel good, Princess.” 

Bucky shivered at being called ‘Princess’ directly and he added hastily, “We should run by a convenience store on our way. I don’t have lube in my pocket or anything.” All that he had in his pocket was his wallet, his phone, a few quarters, keys, and raspberry lip balm. 

“Will you at least let me pay for the lube?” 

“Um... sure. I guess.” Bucky didn’t really want to let him but he decided he would just pay for the hotel then. “Should we get anything else while we are out?” 

“Do you want something? Water? Candy?” Steve wasn’t even sure Bucky ate candy. “Do we want condoms too?” he added curiously and looked down at Bucky. After all, it was just an accident that they forget them the first night. 

“Um...” No. “That’s up to you,” Bucky said. 

“I don’t really want them,” Steve whispered back. 

“I don’t either. But I wanted you to make the decision.” Bucky sighed in relief. “Is that okay? That's okay, right?” He was a little worried Steve was just being nice about it. 

Steve felt like this relationship felt so much more different to him now. It was more intense. It was... real. “Yeah. That’s more than okay. It’s just new for me to do that with a partner is all.” 

“It’s not too much? I don’t want you doing it just because you want to make me happy or because it feels nicer.” 

“I like it. It makes me feel close to you.” 

“Yeah? Yeah, does it?” Bucky’s hands were back on Steve’s face. He knew that if anyone in the diner had been watching them, they must look like they were physically glued together. “I really like it too. But I just wanted to make sure. Because last night was so perfect, but I know we were just trying to be careful and stuff.” 

“Yeah, it feels... intimate, maybe.” Feels like we are only ever going to be having sex with each other forever and no one else. “As long as we’re both clean, I don’t see an issue.” Steve just knew this was where he was meant to be. Here, with Bucky. 

“Yeah, I understand.” Bucky loved that. He wanted Steve for as long as he could have him. “I just... I...” I think I’m falling in love with you. Maybe. A little bit. Definitely. He didn’t finish his thought. 

“You okay?” Steve’s face shifted to concern. And even though Rebecca told him that Bucky looked at him in a way that was different than how he looked at anyone else, Steve didn’t really think it was love. Bucky just liked him a whole lot. Steve didn’t believe for an instant that the intensity of his own feelings was requited. 

“Yeah. I’m okay. I just think... the holidays and being here is making me a little emotional today.” Bucky tried to make as much of an excuse as he could for this. 

Steve hugged Bucky close and tucked his head next to his. “Do you want to go back to your parents’ place? We don’t have to sleep with each other.” 

“No, no. I want to. I want to fuck you. Please,” Bucky said. “I mean, if you don’t want to, we can go home. But... I want to be with you.” 

“I want to be with you too. I want to be with you like that.” Steve felt so lucky to get to be with Bucky in any capacity – sex or otherwise. 

Bucky held on to Steve and looked at the time. “Are you done eating? Let's go. Please? It’s getting later.” And he was getting impatient to be with Steve. 

Steve was always so floored by Bucky's particular brand of soft eagerness. “I’m ready. Yeah.” 

“Good. Okay. I’ll go pay at the counter. You flag someone down for a box for your food. Then let’s go to the store for lube.” Bucky got up from the table and paid for them. He then skipped his way outside and had to turn around to go back in because he almost left Steve in his tracks. He popped his head in the door and said, “Steve! Come on.” 

Steve chuckled and ran out of the diner with his box of leftovers. “Hey, you.” 

“Hey! Sorry, I almost left you.” Bucky sniffled in the cold. He was already shivering being outside again. “There’s a store down here away. What else should we get?” 

“Uh. I don’t know. Just lube? Baby wipes?” 

“Baby wipes?” 

“For clean up? I mean, I know we could use a towel but someone has to wash that towel after.” Steve shrugged. 

“Mmm, Yeah. Good point. I wouldn’t want someone to have to clean our come-covered towel...” That’s not what anyone would want to do. “Lube, wipes, maybe other things if we see anything.” 

They got into the store and the first thing Bucky saw was a giant water bottle that he had to hold with two hands and it had a handle. He loved it so much. It was completely unnecessary. Steve took out his phone and took a picture of Bucky. Bucky wasn’t even doing anything particularly amazing. He just thought it was adorable because it was Bucky. He also wanted lots of pictures to remember Bucky once this was over. 

“What? Steve? What are you taking pictures for?” Bucky asked and cradled the water bottle in one arm as he picked up a six-pack of the tiniest root beers he had ever seen. 

“I like the way you look. So, I'm taking pictures,” Steve informed him and took the water bottle and soda and put them in the cart. 

“You’re such a dork, Babe,” Bucky said, as if he wasn’t the one who was picking out things to buy solely based on how cute they were because they were giant or mini or he didn’t realize they made that flavor or skittles. 

“All I’m doing is taking pictures of you.” Steve held back a laugh at Bucky’s assortment of items. He really was predictable at this point. It didn’t surprise Steve in the slightest that Bucky would find simple joy in the sizes or ridiculous flavors of things. “Do you need a medium-sized thing? To balance out your big water bottle and tiny root beers?” 

“What did you have in mind?” Bucky asked and looked around the store. The medium things didn’t intrigue him like the rest. 

“Why’d you have to say it like that?” Steve asked, thinking Bucky was trying to insinuate a sex joke. But he wasn’t. Steve just had sex on the brain. 

“What do you mean?” Bucky asked as he scanned over the pasta boxes and grabbed one that had tiny shells. “I’m just looking for stuff that’s cute, Babe. Find cute things.” 

“I already found the cutest thing. Can’t find anymore.” 

“Wow...” Bucky said flatly and stared at Steve. But he did like the compliment. “Fine. Here. Let's just get this stuff and go. I think it’s weird enough buying lube, Baby wipes, skittles, water, noodles, and root beer.” 

“I’m paying for all of that,” Steve said simply. 

“You can buy the lube and wipes. I’ll get the rest.” The rest were all Bucky’s choices so he would take care of it. 

Steve wasn’t having it. “Let me buy all of it please.” We work at the same place Bucky. I know the general range of your salary! Come on. 

Except that Bucky was in accounting and he actually knew Steve’s exact salary. And he knew it was a little less than his own since he had been there longer than Steve. “Okay, well... Fine. Fine. You can get it all.” 

“Really cutting into my inheritance, but I’m happy that you’re letting me do it,” Steve joked and pulled out his card. Although, one of his parents had acquired a significant amount of money from their family and that got passed down to Steve as well. He wasn’t doing bad for himself. He had a good amount in his savings account and he wasn’t sitting half bad on it. 

“Maybe I should put the baby root beers back...” Bucky said, touching them because they were so cute and small but very impractical. “Because I mean I'm not really going to drink them. They are just going to sit in the fridge at my parents’ place.” 

“Nope, don’t,” Steve said. “They’re cute. We are going to get them so you can stare at them a little.” 

“You’re too good to me.” Who just buys something for somebody so they can have it around like that? 

“Because I’m buying you soda?” 

Bucky shook his head. “Because... it’s a little weird. It’s weird of me to ask for them and it’s a little weird of you to want to buy them so I can look at them.” Steve was cool with Bucky’s weird little interests and habits. “I like that, though. A lot.” 

Steve blushed and paid for the items. “Thank you. And I mean I think that it’s comfortable. The little weird things with you. They’re just... comfortable.” 

Bucky was so unsure what to say. Steve always made him feel so special and precious. He never felt like his quirks were a burden on Steve or some oddity he found fascinating like a funhouse clown. “Let’s go, Big Guy,” he said and lead them out of the store. 

“Your hair is still all soft and wavy,” Steve observed as they headed back to the car. 

Bucky put their bags of randomly assorted items into the back and then started up the car. “Did you like your dinner?” 

“I did, yeah. Everything about this night is perfect.” Steve took one of Bucky’s hands for a moment but then let go. He wanted Bucky to always have both hands on the wheel. It was dangerous enough that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	11. Chapter 11

The hotel was relatively nice and the front desk staff all had strict smiles stretched across their faces. Being at a hotel in Colorado in the winter just made Bucky think of The Shining. It was a favorite movie of his. Bucky paid the clerk before Steve could and he handed Steve a room key. “Go up and get ready. I’m going to see if they have a pool.” 

“Get ready how?” Steve asked tentatively and pocketed the key card. 

“Just get ready,” Bucky mumbled as he read the signs that pointed down the hall. He didn’t get what Steve was asking. “I’m going to look for a pool. I’ll be up in a bit.” 

Steve blinked and got Bucky’s attention again. “Bucky, who is gonna top?” He was realizing that sometimes he needed to be really direct with Bucky for him to get it. 

“Oh, uh, me,” Bucky said, like it was totally obvious. Steve wasn’t a mind-reader, though. “I’ll be up soon.” 

Steve sighed with mountains of fond exasperation. Bucky was such a dork. But Steve went on ahead up to the room. He stripped down out of his warm clothes and sat on the bed awkwardly for a second. This whole thing felt a little weird without Bucky there. But he figured ‘getting ready’ meant fingering himself open for him, so that’s what he did. 

Bucky did end up finding a damn good-looking pool. He wondered if the hotel sold swimming suits because he certainly didn’t have one. And that pool looked so inviting in this cold weather and there was a set of outdoor hot tubs. And Bucky really liked the idea of sitting in a hot tub while it snowed. 

After Bucky was satisfied with his discovery, he made his way back upstairs with haste. He didn’t dare leave Steve on his own for too long. He cursed the elevator for be slow. But eventually, he was at their door. He swiped his key card and gasped when he saw Steve on the bed with his legs spread and his fingers working deep inside him. “God... fucking hell, Steve...” 

“Just doing what you told me to do,” Steve said with a grin and he spread his legs a little wider. Bucky really was rubbing off on him in more ways than he knew. 

“You listened so well,” Bucky whispered and slipped off his coat and scarf before beginning to strip down as well. “Are you feeling as good as you look?” 

“Doesn’t feel as good as having you inside of me would.” 

Bucky struggled with his tights and grumbled, “I’m getting there. One second. I should have worn normal jeans.” 

Steve chuckled and waited. Bucky finally got his pants off and he stood naked with his hands on his hips in a proud little stance with his cock standing up too, proud of itself as well. “You’re too cute,” Steve said. 

“Are you ready?” Bucky climbed up on the bed and grabbed the lube. 

“Yeah, please. I need you.” Steve’s head was in a loop. It was just, You really didn't know what living was like before you met this boy, did you, Steve? Over and over. Bucky was becoming his everything. 

Bucky lubed up his cock and stopped to double-check, “And you’re sure no condoms? I can run out for some if you changed your mind.” 

“You’re not leaving right now. Please don’t do that,” Steve said hastily and grabbed Bucky’s arm to keep him there on the bed. 

Bucky nodded and pressed his cock head close to Steve’s hole. Bucky’s pretty hair fell down in front of his eyes as he shoved in slowly but firmly. He pushed in all the way and moved to hold his arms under his middle. “God, that feels so good... Steve...” 

Steve knew it was going to be easy to wreck him tonight. He was so over the moon for Bucky right now. “You look so beautiful,” he gasped. 

“Honey, you should see yourself,” Bucky added, giving him a rare ‘honey’ for once. “Do you want me to move now?” 

“Please. I need you,” Steve repeated, tangling his hand in Bucky’s hair carefully. 

“I’m right here,” Bucky assured him and pulled out gingerly and pushed back in with a harsher thrust. He wasn’t going to go too hard, but he was going to give Steve something to work with. 

Steve felt like he was floating on a cloud. All he wanted was to have Bucky this close. Bucky was his home now. What was his going to do without his home? He was coming undone with every thrust inside him and every thought in his head. 

“You feel amazing. You are amazing.” Bucky was convinced he would probably never be with someone as great as Steve ever again. He leaned in and kissed Steve passionately. He needed to hold on to these moments here. Maybe he could ask him to make this whole thing... longer? 

Steve was determined not to cry this time. He knew there would be no way to cover it up, if he did. He just felt so many things. He felt pleasure and love and sadness and worry. He felt the need to tell Bucky everything. But also the need to take his secret to the grave. He kissed Bucky back to match his intensity and he told himself that he wouldn’t get exactly what he wanted. 

“You want more?” Bucky asked quickly between kisses. He trailed his hand down to around Steve’s cock and he pumped him in time. Steve nodded his answer and Bucky readjusted so he could fuck him a little harder. His hand was tight around Steve’s big dick and he thumbed at the head to get his precome all over it. 

“Buck- Bucky, perfect,” Steve gasped again. 

“You’re okay?” Bucky didn’t want a repeat of their failed rough session that ended in Steve needing them to stop. He didn’t want to stress him out like that again. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. You feel incredible inside of me.” 

Bucky kissed his jaw and his forehead and said, “I love this.” I love... I love you. I think I love you. “You’re so ridiculously perfect, Steve.” 

“I’m not,” Steve’s eyes fluttered shut and he focused on the repeated pounding of Bucky’s dick inside him. It was hot and electric and he felt so full and needed. “I love... I love this, too.” It was a close call. 

Bucky kept pumping him with one hand and brought the other up to hold Steve’s chest and thumb over his nipples. “Yes, you are. You are so perfect.” Bucky gave him an intentionally sharper thrust to drive his point home. 

“Let’s not argue about it?” Steve asked and whined at how good it all felt. 

“I’m not arguing. I’m telling you what’s up.” Bucky’s thrusts were getting erratic. Don’t be a grump, Steve. I am telling you how blessed and angelic you are so, shut up. “Fuck, I’m gonna come. Where do you want me to come?” 

“Inside of me,” Steve said quickly. Just like I did to you. Steve wasn’t always great at predicting when he was going to come. It was just, eyes closed, Bucky’s name caught in his throat, and come bursting out between their stomachs. 

Bucky was pushed closer with how sexy Steve looked when he orgasmed. “Steve, Babe, Steve.” He thrust a few more times and came inside Steve with a loud drawn-out grunt. 

“Oh. That's what that feels like,” Steve observed in a soft whisper. He had never had anyone bareback him before. It felt good. 

Bucky, as was normal, was immediately tired. He slumped a little on top of Steve and hugged him tightly. “You haven’t had anyone come inside you before, Love?” 

“Just you. Just now.” Steve was very affected by Bucky just throwing the word ‘love’ around. 

Bucky couldn’t explain how much he liked that. “You feel okay?” 

“Better than okay. You... it feels so good.” 

“It felt fantastic for me too. It’s a nice feeling, isn't it?” Bucky really actually liked come in his ass. But he knew not everyone did. 

Steve was at least a little bit undecided. “Um. It's different?” He brushed Bucky’s hair back gently. “I feel really close to you, though.” 

“Do you want me to pull out now?” He was still laying on top of him. And there was a large chance he was going to fall asleep right there. 

“You don’t have to.” It was a little weird but it was nice. 

“You’re so warm,” Bucky said and nuzzled his face into the crook of Steve’s neck. He was so ready to sleep. 

“So you’ve told me.” There were so many things he wanted to say but he knew all of them would wreck the moment so he just stayed quiet. 

Bucky looked up into Steve’s face with the sleepiest eyes. He was already drifting off a bit. “Hey... you want me to move? I’m going to fall asleep. You know me.” 

“Nah. You can stay. I’ve got you, Pretty.” 

“Also, this hotel has a pool and outdoor hot tubs,” Bucky yawned. “If I wake up in a few hours, we can go sit in the hot tub in the snow. I think the store downstairs has swimsuits.” 

Did this boy really explore the hotel while I was fingering myself for him? “Yeah, okay, Sweetheart.” Steve was doubtful since Bucky slept pretty hard most of the time. 

\- 

Bucky woke up a few hours later, entirely tangled in Steve and so comfortably warm. “Oh, hey, Babe. What time is it?” 

“Uh, one, maybe?” Steve had been watching Bucky sleep instead of checking his phone. 

Bucky was still pretty sticky with Steve’s come on his stomach. He peeled off of Steve and said, “We should shower.” Steve nodded and wrapped his arms around Bucky and impulsively hoisted him up to carry him there. “Woah, shit,” Bucky giggled with big eyes, not anticipating that. Steve was so strong. He loved that. He loved him. 

“You should wear that shower cap so your hair doesn’t get wet.” Steve assumed that hotel shampoo wasn’t good enough for Bucky’s hair. 

“Hmm, shower cap,” Bucky glared at it for a moment. He didn’t really like the idea of putting that on. But the shampoo provided looked just about as awful as it could be so he pulled the cap on. "I look horrible.” 

“You look adorable,” Steve countered, mostly loving the cute frown Bucky had on his face. 

“I look like an old woman at a public pool.” 

Steve chuckled and reached out to touch Bucky’s cheek. “Nah. You look cute. I swear.” 

“Just... just... shower. Steve. Come on.” Bucky lightly shoved him into the shower and followed after. “You’re lucky you don’t have hair like anywhere but your head.” 

Steve got his body waxed - all the time. He was thinking Bucky didn’t actually know that. “Um. Yeah. We can call that luck.” 

Bucky touched Steve’s beard and rubbed his hands over it. He really loved it. He knew Steve was only really growing it for December and it would probably be gone again soon. But he looked so damn cute and he liked when Steve kissed him like this too. “What’s the longest your hair has ever been? Not like mine?” 

“I’m not sure. I’ve always kept it on the shorter side. Maybe it was longer when I was younger.” Steve took Bucky’s hand and dragged it down to rest on his chest. Does Bucky really think I’m naturally this smooth? 

Bucky happily grazed his hands over Steve’s chest and abs. “I think it would look strange if you had hair like mine.” 

“I think you’re right about that,” Steve said and rested his head on the wall of the shower as the water fell over him. He really liked Bucky touching his chest. He especially liked it when he cupped his pecs like breasts. Something about that really got him going. 

“Not that you wouldn’t look absolutely breathtaking no matter what.” Bucky leaned in and gave a little line of kisses across Steve’s skin, focusing on his nipples a lot. 

Steve uttered an appreciative little sigh. But he wanted to let Bucky know that he was a bit of a drama beauty queen so he said, “I get my chest waxed.” 

Bucky’s head snapped up to look Steve in the eyes. This was surprising new information. “You do?” he asked incredulously. 

“Yeah?” Steve definitely couldn’t decipher this particular expression on Bucky’s face. 

“Oh, my god...” Bucky shook his head. He thought Steve was so different from him but it seemed they were much more alike than he knew. He learned new things about Steve all the time. 

Steve nudged Bucky and tried to get more out of him. “Is that good or bad?” 

“No. No, it’s-” Bucky gave a sharp laugh. “It’s good. I love that. I didn’t expect that. It's just... I thought I was the high maintenance one.” He didn’t really think Steve was high maintenance – Bucky was certainly in the category, though. He just never would have thought Steve would bother to get his chest waxed. 

“I just don’t like the feeling of hair,” Steve said matter-of-factly. “I’ll probably get a little more stubbly in a week or so and have to get waxed again. I get kind of red. It's not very attractive.” 

Bucky sent his hands all over Steve’s body now like he could feel out wherever Steve might shave or wax. Except for his arms and legs, Steve was smooth everywhere. So, did that mean he got waxed all over the place? “How come I never knew this?” 

“You never asked or anything. And I don’t really advertise it. I thought you would have guessed.” 

Cupping Steve’s dick and balls, Bucky asked, “Do you get this area... waxed or shaved?” Bucky wasn’t sure that one could wax balls. 

“Uh-huh...” Steve’s breath shuttered on its way out of him. 

“Is there anywhere you don’t get waxed besides your arms and legs?” Bucky asked and moved to hold Steve’s ass. 

“Uh, if it looks unusually hairless, it’s probably waxed.” 

Bucky was hairy, sure. He shaved his beard and his crotch region, sometimes his legs. But he had hair just about everywhere else. “God, Steve, you’re something else. Does it hurt?” 

Steve shrugged. “It doesn’t not hurt. But I'm used to it now.” 

“So, it hurts a little bit?” Bucky asked and poked at one of Steve’s tattoos. “Does it hurt more than getting tattoos does?” 

“No. Plus it’s quicker,” Steve answered and kissed Bucky’s hand. “I was a baby about my tattoos, though.” Steve cried about both his tattoos, but it was more about what they represented to him than the physical pain. 

Bucky squeezed Steve’s beefy upper arms and said, “I can’t imagine you being a baby about pain ever. You’re so huge and strong and tough.” 

“I can be a baby about pain sometimes. It’s true.” 

Bucky wasn’t tough at all. But he could take a beating. He was fairly weak but he could stand there and fight until he collapsed. “Really? Maybe we shouldn’t get in any fights together then.” 

“I can handle that. Getting punched is a different kind of pain.” Steve still wanted to see Bucky in action. And he wanted the wild adrenaline sex afterwards. He already knew how much Bucky happened to love that. 

“Okay, but will you be able to keep up with me?” Bucky might have seemed like he was joking but he was being entirely serious. 

Steve could make it, though. He had his punchy fire-starter phase in high school like lots of kids. It wasn’t his fault that he got his ass handed to him more often than not. “Yeah. I can handle it.” 

“Good. Cause if things get too dicey, I will leave you in the dust,” Bucky joked and added, “I’m just kidding. I’ll stick by you.” 

“I’m pretty sure I can take a hit way better now than I could ten years ago.” 

“Oh yeah? What was ten years ago? You get in a fight?” 

“Lots of fights.” 

“Over what?” Bucky asked, kind of forgetting about the actual showering part of taking a shower. 

“I was all sorts of annoying in high school,” Steve paused. He didn’t like remembering it so much. “I was upset about my dad. So, I would... react impulsively to some things. And I got picked on a lot because I was sort of small.” 

Bucky frowned and gently touched Steve’s cheek and lips. “My poor baby...” Steve fought because he was upset about his losses in life. Bucky just fought to fight instead of using his words. It was definitely not the same. 

Steve shook his head and tilted in towards Bucky more. “Hey. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m right here. I lived through it.” 

“I love... how strong you are.” He kissed Steve carefully, pulling them tight together under the running water. He was almost entirely certain that he did love Steve now. 

Steve beamed and smiled into the kiss. He adored these close moments with Bucky – where they were alone in the world and nothing could touch them. “Thank you.” 

Bucky tugged a hand through Steve’s short wet hair and said, “I think we might have to actually shower now. Then we should sleep for a while and I should text my mom so she knows we will be back in the morning.” 

Steve blushed in surprise. Clearly, Bucky’s family wasn’t under the impression that he was celibate or anything. But his mom was surely going to know they hooked up. She would be able to infer that from a text that they wouldn’t be back until the morning. 

“What? What’s that face?” Bucky asked. 

“Your family, uh, they’re going to know we were gone.” 

Bucky was confused. “Uh-huh. I mean, I think they figured out we were gone once we didn’t come home.” 

“It’s just that...” 

“What?” Why was Steve so embarrassed? 

“I mean... they’re going to know we slept together,” Steve finally said. 

Bucky giggled and scratched Steve’s beard just to touch him. “They know that. It’s not like they think we are ‘junior high dating’. They know we have sex.” 

“I know that. I know. That's just new to me – parents knowing.” Steve sighed. 

“Well, don’t worry. They don’t care. It’s not like my dad is going to yell at you for ‘defiling his son’s purity’ or whatever. They know I’m not a virgin,” Bucky assured him. “But also, don’t mention that the guy who did ‘defile my purity’ was forty. That might not go over well.” 

“Got it.” Steve nodded. “You’re a pure little angel to me.” The moment Steve said it, he remembered how, on their first tryst, he hit Bucky in the face with his dick before he sucked him off because he thought it would be hot. Not quite a thing to do to a ‘pure little angel’, Steve. 

“I’m an angel and a princess?” Bucky asked with a big grin. 

“Yes. Both. At the same time.” Steve felt like this was some sort of parallel universe – this hotel room. It was someplace where they wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of realizing they weren’t actually dating. It was a place where they could be lovey and close and tender without worrying about when this whole thing would go away. He never wanted to leave this hotel room.


	12. Chapter 12

On Christmas morning, Steve spent a solid ten minutes awake and staring at Bucky’s cock. The night before, they did sixty-nine and Bucky fell asleep immediately afterwards, naked and happy and sprawled out with Steve slumped on his legs. Now, Steve was awake again with his head on Bucky’s thigh and his eyes on his dick. He wondered if he should just go for it. He and Bucky had already established at one point that being woken up by hand jobs or blow jobs was entirely okay and agreed upon. 

Steve shifted a little to get closer to it and Bucky moved in his sleep to accommodate him. Steve slowly wrapped his hand around Bucky and gave him a few appreciative but careful strokes. 

Grunting a moan in his sleep, Bucky’s dreaming changed as images of a naked Steve invaded and set up camp. He had had sex dreams about Steve before, several times, actually. He always loved it. 

Steve kept pumping him slowly for a few more seconds just to test it out. Then, deciding that Bucky’s moan was a good sign, he took his dick into his mouth and sucked the head down his throat. He stayed put like that for a little while, just being a cock warmer and letting Bucky feel him press his tongue up against that big vein. 

Bucky’s breathing got heavier and his sex dream started to feel more than real. He uttered an incredibly quiet, “S-Ste...” It wasn’t a whole name but Steve got the message. Even in sleep, Bucky was thinking about him. Steve took this opportunity to practice his deep-throating skills as he pulled off of him and took him back in quickly. Bucky gave an eerie half-whisper of, “L...v... you...” 

Steve only really caught a notion of a word before he heard ‘you’. He popped off of Bucky’s dick and stared at his face with curious, waiting eyes. Had Bucky said what he thought he heard? There was no way. No. He couldn’t have. Steve shook it off and swallowed his dick down again. 

There was another, far more distinguishable, “Steve...” as Bucky’s leg pulled up slightly. He was way into this now and his body couldn’t help the little movements it was making. Steve pulled back enough to focus just on the head. He stuck his tongue over the slit and licked and sucked and lapped around it. This finally jolted Bucky out of his slumber with a harsh gasp. He blinked a few times before realizing what was going on. “S-Steve?” he asked and moaned lightly as he sat up on his elbows to watch him. 

Steve gazed up at Bucky and fluttered his eyelashes at him but he didn’t stop. He just went back to deep-throating him, this time with more purpose and the goal of making Bucky come hard. He wanted this to be a Christmas morning to remember. 

“Fuck, Baby... What, uh, how long have you been down there?” Bucky asked and his hand went to the back of Steve’s head to hold. “I was having a sex dream about you.” 

Steve actually popped off again and said quickly, “Can’t answer questions when you’re in my mouth.” His voice was hoarse, which was a good indicator of just how long he had been on his dick already. He wasted no time in going back. 

“You sound wrecked,” Bucky said and kept looking on with heavy-lidded eyes. Then he remembered it was Christmas. “Oh! Merry Christmas, Baby,” he added and grabbed his phone. “Can I take a picture of you?” 

Steve hesitated for a moment then nodded. He knew Bucky, knowingly or not, used talking as a distraction method so he wouldn’t come as quickly. But he really wanted him to come. Steve wanted to swallow his come as the first act of the holiday. 

Snapping several pictures in a row, Bucky tried to get an absolutely perfect shot. He looked back at one and had a moment where he wasn’t sure whether to look at Steve in real life or Steve in the picture. There was just something about the light in Steve’s eyes that was captured so well in the photo. But he set his phone down again and paid attention to the real Steve. Bucky had that tell-tale look that he was getting really close to orgasm. 

Steve had a belated moment where he realized that pictures of him with a cock in his mouth now existed in the world. He wasn’t sure what to do about that. He was apprehensive about it. But, on the other hand, he kind of loved the permanence of the moment and knowing that Bucky would look at those pictures again. 

Bucky came with a quiet, “God, Baby...” and one hand fisted in the blankets. It wasn’t the big orgasm Steve had been hoping for but it was certainly good for Bucky. “I just woke up and you’re wearing me out already.” 

Steve swallowed his come with a happy thought of, He came in my mouth! Oh, my god. It never ceased to amaze him. “Merry Christmas,” he said after sliding off of him and laying back. 

“Merry Christmas, Steve.” Bucky pulled Steve in to hug him and kiss his neck and cheek. “Are you... Do you need me to return the favor?” 

“Nah. No. I’m okay. It’s good. I just want to snuggle for a bit before we open gifts.” 

“Are you sure? I can.” 

“Yes, Baby, I’m sure.” 

Bucky curled up closer to Steve and held him for a few comfortable, warm, cozy minutes. He needed a bit to recover and wake back up anyway. He couldn’t quite take a nap after this orgasm. It was Christmas morning, after all. “My parents won’t be awake for maybe another half hour. Should we go start breakfast?” 

Steve nodded and sat up. “Yeah, let’s do that.” It’s our first Christmas together. The only Christmas together. But Steve didn’t think about that. 

Bucky kissed Steve a few more times just for good measure and then got up too. “I know Maxime likes pancakes. But my dad will want bacon and eggs. Do you know how to make pancakes?” 

“I do know how to make pancakes.” 

“Great! Good. You’re going to become my nephew’s favorite. Although, he probably already likes you more because you can speak French.” 

“He’s only just met me. He’s known you since he was born. I won't ever be his favorite.” Bucky, you’re everyone’s favorite. 

Bucky sighed and shook his head. “Yeah, but I’ve sucked at learning French. That’s a big deal to him. Even my dad has been doing better than I have.” 

“You’ll beat me out because of longevity,” Steve said carelessly, trying to assure Bucky that his nephew liked him more, but also reminding them of what they were trying to forget. 

Bucky blinked and looked down for a moment. He had actually managed to ignore that for about two days now. “Well, you’ll be his favorite today then.” Please don’t mention how this is only here for a bit longer. 

“I can handle being his favorite for today.” I’m sorry, Bucky. I love you. Please don’t make that face. I’m sorry. 

Bucky pulled on some pajamas and put his hair up in a ponytail. “You want me to get your sweats? I washed them last night and they are warmer than your PJ pants.” 

“Yeah, please,” Steve smiled softly. That was so domestic of Bucky. He imagined how life could always be like that if this were a different circumstance. 

“Okay. Let me go get the laundry. Don’t come upstairs naked.” Bucky bounded up the stairs and grabbed Steve’s clothes before hustling back. “Here you go.” 

“Come here,” Steve said and held his arms out for Bucky. Steve wanted to hold his boyfriend and kiss him and ask him to be his husband and... but that wasn’t real. 

Bucky held up the clothes, trying to tell him that they needed to get a move on. But he couldn’t fight that adorable face. He climbed over him on the bed and snuggled against a naked Steve. “Just a few minutes.” 

“Sorry. I just need a second with you,” Steve said between kisses. 

“Fine, fine,” Bucky feigned an exasperated sigh. 

Steve’s hands roamed all over Bucky’s body, just holding him close and having a quiet minute just to breathe him in. “You can get up now, if you want.” 

“I just got down here...” Bucky said curiously. “You’re fickle this morning. Are you okay?” 

“I am fickle sometimes. I can’t help it. I thought you were used to it at this point.” Steve smiled at him and pulled him from the bed. 

Bucky rolled his eyes. Steve was such a dweeb. “Come on. Let’s go make food.” 

Steve dressed quickly and followed Bucky upstairs to the kitchen. They rummaged around in the pantry for supplies to make pancakes. “Just regular pancakes? Not chocolate chip or something?” 

“Um...” Bucky looked for chocolate chips but only came up with butterscotch. “We have butterscotch chips and that’s it. That probably doesn’t work does it?” 

“We can make that work.” 

Bucky nodded and tossed the bag on the counter. “Okay, well, butterscotch it is then. But if it’s terrible, I will be blaming you for it. Are you okay with eggs and bacon and pancakes? Will you eat that?” 

“I will most definitely eat that. And they won’t be bad. The first ones might be ugly, but that’s it.” Steve liked making pancakes. He used to make them with his parents when he was younger. It always made him think of them now. 

“Ugly?” Bucky questioned. How could a pancake be ugly? They were just circles. 

“Yeah, ugly. Just a little. You’ll see.” 

Bucky didn’t think his nephew would really care if his pancakes weren’t pretty pancakes. “I don’t think Emmy is going to care if they are ugly. He’s just going to be pleased to have pancakes.” He pulled Steve in close for a second just to plant a warm kiss to his lips. This also felt severely domestic. And Bucky had a fleeting thought about what if they had a little child to make pancakes for on Christmas morning? 

Steve grinned into the kiss and squeezed Bucky’s arm gently. “Well, Emmy’s going to get the perfect ones. I’ll eat the ugly ones.” 

“See? You’re going to be his favorite today.” Bucky was distracted for a moment just staring up at Steve and smiling like a dummy and imaging having his own small family with him. 

“Breakfast, Babe,” Steve reminded and gave him a parting kiss before starting in on his pancakes. 

“Oh, right, yeah,” Bucky shook his head and pulled away from Steve. He supposed he couldn’t cling to him all day. 

Maxime woke up next and he came bounding down the stairs, shouting about Christmas and flying right into Steve’s legs to hug him. Steve’s heart jumped and melted and he was so happy that Bucky’s sweet nephew liked him so much. Steve gave Bucky a look for permission before picking Emmy up and putting him on his shoulders. “Get on my shoulders and you can watch me make pancakes,” he said. 

Bucky was just enamored with the attention that Emmy gave Steve and Steve gave Emmy. He loved seeing Steve interacting so well with his family. And he loved seeing Steve holding a kiddo like that. “Just be careful, Babe. Don’t drop him.” 

Maxime immediately started going on to Steve in French. “Joyeux Noël, Steve. J’espère avoir des jouets aujourd’hui. Je sais que mes parents ont du shopping il y a quelques jours. J’adore ouvrir des cadeaux à Noël.” Merry Christmas, Steve. I hope I got toys today. I know my parents were shopping a few days ago a lot. I love opening gifts on Christmas. 

Steve replied a little in French and a little in English so Bucky wasn’t entirely left out of their conversation. “Oh, tu aimes Noël, Maxime? Qu’est-ce que tu aimes le plus à part les cadeaux?” Oh, you love Christmas, Maxime? What do you like most besides the gifts? “He likes getting presents, Bucky. Do you like having all this snow around too, Emmy? 

Emmy and Steve continued to talk like this while Steve worked on pancakes and Bucky worked on eggs and bacon. After a little bit, the rest of the family came into the kitchen with blurry eyes and yawns. “Morning, Boys,” Winifred said and wrapped her cardigan tighter around her. 

Steve set Emmy down and pulled Bucky to his chest and gestured to the table showing all their breakfast handiwork. “Merry Christmas.” 

“Merry Christmas,” Bucky agreed and detached from Steve for just a few seconds so he could hug his family good morning. 

George came over to Steve next and wrapped him into a hug and pulled Bucky in too. No way anyone was getting away without a George Barnes hug this morning. “Good morning. Thank you for making breakfast,” he said and ushered his family to all sit down and enjoy their meal together. 

\- 

When it was time to open presents, it became a free-for-all. Maxime wasn’t patient enough to do a one-at-a-time system so he just dove right in. It was just easier for everyone to do the same. Steve bought Bucky lots of comfortable clothes like yoga pants and new hoodies and a few soft pajama shirts. He also bought him a new hairbrush and a set of rainbow glitter hair clips. 

Bucky, who was sitting in Steve’s lap, teared up at the barrettes and mashed his lips on Steve’s in a fiery kiss. He was so grateful and in love and he wanted to make out so hard with him right now. But he broke off the kiss after a few moments so he could get Steve to open his gifts. He did get Steve some fun things like the blu-ray box set of the extended Lord of the Rings and a few puzzles and games – things they could enjoy together. But he got Steve some practical things that he needed too. There was a new scarf and mittens and some nice boots, because Steve kept walking in the snow in terribly old sneakers. 

Steve kissed Bucky’s cheek and shook his head. “My sneakers never did anything to you.” I love you. 

“You come home from work and your socks are soaked through and your toes are freezing.” Bucky said ‘home’, as in ‘their home’. “You're going to lose those toes.” 

Steve shook his head and wiggled his toes. “It’s not that cold. Home always warms me up.” Home. Our home. With you. 

Bucky whispered to him, “Yeah, well, it’s the naked man and all the blankets that warm you up.” 

Steve blushed and grabbed his last gift to give out. He got Bucky and Becca matching sweaters since Bucky had said they used to be dressed to match when they were kids. The sweaters were primarily baby pink with dark grey arms. Becca wasn’t a huge fan of pink but she saw the way Bucky’s face lit up and she didn’t do a thing to diminish his excitement. “Thank you, Steve,” she said and held hers up to her body to see if it would fit. It was a little big but it would work. 

“Thank you, Baby,” Bucky pulled his sweater on and curled up between Steve’s outstretched legs, his back leaning on Steve’s stomach. He just watched Emmy work through the rest of his gifts and get distracted by toys. Steve’s hands were in his hair now, combing through carefully. Bucky was getting so sleepy that it didn’t take much longer before he was napping on him. 

“You two are very cute,” Winifred said with a genuine smile as she draped a blanket over Bucky. She liked Steve so far. 

Steve looked down at Bucky with fond eyes and answered, “The cute is all him.” 

“Well, I think he’s pretty great,” she agreed. “I also think you’re pretty great, too, Steve.” Steve had won over this family, including Becca, pretty quickly. 

Steve was so shy in the face of praise. He gave an embarrassed, shaky little, “Thank you. That means... it means a lot.” Steve missed his own parents so much. But he looked back at Bucky and tried not to let the pain in right now. “He’s the best person I’ve ever met.” 

“I’m really glad he brought you for Christmas. He’s never brought a boy home for the holidays.” 

Steve opened his mouth but closed it again, not knowing what to say. That somehow felt significant to him. But he also knew this was a one-off and he wouldn’t be returning for other holidays at the Barnes’ house. 

Winifred continued, “There’s this little old underground dance club. It will be open tomorrow. They play mostly Motown and Jazz. It’s usually older people like me but you two might enjoy it.” 

Steve’s eyes lit up. That was perfect. “I want to take him there.” 

“I’ll write down the address for you,” Winifred promised. She was really happy that her son found someone as good as Steve seemed to be for him. She was pretty convinced that this was going to last. 

“Great, thank you.” Steve kissed Bucky’s head softly so he didn’t wake him up. He just wanted to always be affectionate towards him. We will have so much fun tomorrow. 

Winifred got up to retrieve a photo album to show Steve pictures of Bucky from when he was a baby to his college days. There was a long stretch of pictures where Bucky’s arm and leg were in bright pink casts. Apparently, he tried to climb a particularly high tree and broke his arm. Then they went on a family vacation a month later and Bucky broke his leg skiing. 

She also showed him Bucky’s junior high photos. It was his awkward stage and he looked like a mess, at least for Bucky’s standards. Fourteen-year-old Bucky was very lanky and too wiry with sunken in features and short hair that was almost buzzed. He wasn’t smiling. Steve hardly recognized him with a New York Giants football jersey on – that was what the other boys wore. Bucky had definitely not found himself yet. It was pretty sad for Steve to see him like that, knowing how important Bucky’s confidence in himself was now. 

Bucky woke up during this junior high tour. He blinked a few times and then smacked his hand on the photo album to cover the pictures. He was embarrassed and flustered as he put an immediate end to this. “Mom? Why are you showing this to him? That’s so lame,” he hissed. He had spent so much time cultivating his look and personality so it reflected best who he was. He didn’t want Steve seeing these Bucky-in-progress photos. 

Steve was shocked but he closed the album obediently and set it aside. “Hey, it’s okay,” he started. “You’ve seen my pictures from when I was younger. And four feet tall.” 

“I know, but...” Bucky gave him an intense look, pleading with him to understand why this would bug him so much. He didn’t want to have to explain this directly. He just whispered, “I used to wear jerseys for sports teams I didn’t even watch...” like that was a perfect explanation for why this was upsetting to him. Bucky just did not like seeing that he used to be some alternate dimension Bucky who tried to fit in with the rest of the typical boys. 

“Okay, okay,” Steve said in a placating tone as he stroked Bucky’s cheek. He got it. He understood now. This wasn’t good for Bucky. “I like your soft sweaters much better than dumb sports jerseys,” Steve whispered back, hoping it helped Bucky to be reassured that Steve liked him for all of him. Past Bucky wasn’t a factor in his love for current Bucky. 

Bucky knew he was high maintenance and difficult and he was sorry too. But this was the Bucky Steve knew. And Bucky didn’t like the other Buckys almost at all. This was who he was. “I love my new pink sweater you got me too,” Bucky agreed and brushed a hand down the soft material. 

“I’m glad, Princess,” Steve smiled and tucked his arms tighter around Bucky. He was excited to take him out to dance tomorrow. He was already planning it in his head for how they would get there without spoiling the surprise for Bucky. 

\- 

Later that night, back in the basement alone, Bucky presented another bag. “I have more gifts for you. But they weren't ones I wanted to give you in front of my family.” 

“Oh?” Steve sat down on the bed and waited patiently. 

“Yes, well. They aren’t necessarily appropriate for family events,” Bucky said and handed Steve a set of plain black and blue jockstraps for working out. He then handed him a three-pack of colorful floral jockstraps – that was more for walking around the house and showing off for Bucky. He also got him two new flavored lubes – cherry and strawberry – and shiny pink handcuffs. “We don’t have to use them. But I thought I would see if you would want to,” Bucky said tentatively. 

Steve zeroed in on the jocks first. “Jockstraps,” he said and opened the floral package to pull one out. He kind of loved them. 

“Yeah, I...” Bucky wasn’t sure how Steve felt about that. “I didn’t know if you liked them or not. But I figure you work out and might need some normal ones. And I figure I could get to see you in these nice pretty ones if you like.” 

Steve trailed his hands over the roses and petals and grinned up at Bucky. “You want me to wear them for you?” 

“Yeah, of course, I do. Is that weird?” 

“No. It's not weird.” Steve gave him a shy smile and stood up. “Can I put one on now?” 

“Yeah, yeah definitely. Want me to close my eyes? Make it a surprise?” They had pretty much no privacy in the open basement where the only closed-off area was the tiny bathroom. 

“Yes, please.” 

Bucky put his hands over his eyes and sat down on the bed to wait. He wanted to see Steve in that amazing jock and hopefully get him in the handcuffs if he could. “Today was a good day.” 

Steve stripped down and pulled on the jock before tugging his jeans back on but keeping the fly open. “Open your eyes.” 

Bucky opened his eyes and gave a little disappointed grunt when he saw Steve still had pants on. “Hey... Steve.” Where was that ass he wanted to see? 

“Take my jeans off for me, please,” he said, not giving in to Bucky’s pout. 

Bucky roamed his hands over Steve’s crotch and moved back to tuck into the back of Steve’s pants just to check that he was wearing the jock. He felt the top strap, and then Steve’s bare ass. He finally, slowly pulled his pants down to his knees and gasped at how good Steve’s big bulge looked in flowers. 

“Take a picture?” Steve asked. After this morning, Steve wanted Bucky to have as many pictures to remember him as he wanted. He trusted Bucky would never do anything nefarious with them. 

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed and was quick to jump and grab his phone. He snapped a picture that was too close of his crotch. “Back up a little. I want to get your whole body in this. I can't see that perfect face.” 

Steve blushed and covered his face for a moment. He took a few steps back. “Okay, one second?” he asked, wanting to let his face not be so hot and red for the photo. 

“I don’t have to have your face in it if you don’t want to?” He could tell that was making Steve a little apprehensive. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But the face is the best part... it’s your beautiful face.” 

Steve rubbed his scruffy beard. Bucky called his face beautiful. That was a lot. “It’s okay. You can take it. You have pictures of me sucking you off. This is okay.” 

“I do have that,” Bucky said. He happily took a few pictures and then said, “Turn around for me. I want to see that ass.” Steve turned and Bucky kept on taking pictures. After he was satisfied with his collection, he set his phone down and got up to go cup Steve’s ass in his hands and feel him. “You’re the sexiest man alive.” 

Steve leaned into Bucky’s touch and whispered, “I trust you, Bucky.” He wasn’t sure why he was saying it now that Bucky was done taking pictures. But he thought it was important for him to know. 

“I trust you,” Bucky promised as he slipped his hands around his body to hold Steve’s cock. He stood there spooning Steve with his own dick rocking up and down ever so slightly on Steve’s exposed ass. He pressed his face against Steve’s neck and hummed and kissed his skin. He wanted to be like this all the time. 

“I like having your hands there.” This felt so intimate and romantic in its own way. “I like having you this close.” 

“I love being this close.” 

“I love... that.” Steve had to fight himself every time he wanted to spill his guts to Bucky and tell him he loved him so much. “Just... every time we have sex is so good, Bucky.” Sometimes Steve had to divert the conversation away from romance so he didn’t mess up. 

Bucky knew this was a lot to do with sex, but he also wanted to address some of the other stuff – not just the physical. “And when we aren't having sex?” 

How do I say that I love him without saying that I love him? “Every second with you is something I’m grateful for.” 

“Don’t get me wrong. I love having sex with you, Steve. But I love the rest of it too. I wouldn’t trade any of my moments with you for anything.” 

Steve bit his lip and forced himself to swallow what he really wanted to say. So, instead, he pleaded, “Kiss me.” 

“Always,” Bucky agreed and carefully turned Steve around to face him. He was still totally dressed and pressed to Steve’s mostly naked body. He loved that. He kissed him softly at first but then Steve pushed back harder and Bucky opened his mouth to let their tongues find their way to each other. He cupped Steve’s ass again and gasped little breaths between kisses. 

Steve broke away just for a moment. “These past few days have been some of the best I've ever had.” 

That broke Bucky’s heart a little bit. This Christmas would have seen Steve with his parents if they weren’t gone. And Bucky knew no amount of comforting could get rid of that pain. He sighed and pulled Steve in close and held him tightly. He hugged him for a long time, just swaying them slightly back and forth. He just wanted Steve to feel okay and be happy. If there was any perfect time to tell Steve he loved him, now would be that time. But... he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be sure it would turn out well. What if Steve didn’t want that? What if Steve felt awkward about it? They were miles away from New York and Steve would have nowhere to escape to. Bucky couldn’t do that to him right now. 

Steve put his head on Bucky’s shoulder and sighed. “Sorry.” This had been going in the direction of sex but he derailed it. 

“What are you apologizing for?” Bucky asked, confused. 

“I sidetracked us,” Steve confessed with a sad little grunt. 

“It’s fine. Didn’t you hear me say I love everything we do together? I really do. It's amazing being with you. If you don’t want to have sex tonight, we don’t have to.” 

“I always want to have sex with you.” Steve didn’t know what would be better right now – not having sex and just talking, or having sex and not talking. “Sometimes I just want to be close to you. Sometimes that’s enough.” 

Bucky moved his hands back up Steve’s body so they weren’t right on his ass. If Steve didn’t want to have sex tonight, he didn’t want to seem like he was pushing him into a decision. “Okay, yeah, I get that.” 

“Maybe a night off?” Steve asked tentatively. They had pretty much had sex every night for the last two weeks in a row. Maybe having a little break would be smart. 

“You want to lay down then, Baby?” Bucky checked and squeezed Steve’s upper arms comfortingly. “Can I get naked? Is that okay with you?” 

Steve sat down on the bed and touched the jock. “Yeah. Can I keep this on for a bit longer?” 

“You can wear whatever you like, Steve,” Bucky said. “You’re so handsome in them. The floral is okay with you? It's not too... feminine for you?” He was a little nervous Steve would have preferred something less pretty. 

Steve shook his head. “No. I like the floral. I didn’t think I would, but I do.” His floral tattoo was definitely different, in his opinion. It was for his parents, and it meant something else. 

“Okay. Good. I was scared it wouldn’t be something you wanted. I like flowers, but not all guys do.” 

“They’re pretty. Feeling pretty like this isn't bad.” Steve patted the bed and waited for Bucky to join him. 

Bucky pulled off his clothes and folded them neatly on the chair before crawling in next to Steve. “Are we sleeping in tomorrow morning?” 

“Maybe not too late? Emmy wanted me to be there for breakfast so he can show me how to make orange juice.” Maxime was Steve’s new best little buddy. “And there’s somewhere I want to take you tomorrow.” 

Now that he was pressed to Steve in bed, Bucky was getting sleepy again. “Emmy is going to make you make him more pancakes again.” He still adored that Steve and Maxime got along so well. And he was pretty surprised Steve had a plan to go somewhere. Steve didn’t even know the town. “Where are we going?” 

“You’ll find out tomorrow,” Steve said with a cheeky little grin. “Also, I don’t mind if Emmy is just using me for the pancakes. He's a cute kid and I don’t know when I'll see him after Christmas.” 

“Fine. I’ll find out tomorrow,” Bucky mumbled and pulled another blanket on top of them. “We can always ask Xavier and Rebecca if they want to come over after New Year’s. They live in Massachusetts so they wouldn’t mind.” Bucky wasn’t thinking about the long-term reasons why Steve wouldn’t see Maxime again. 

Steve sighed gently – he liked hearing Bucky refer to them as a ‘we’. “I’d like that.” Steve patted Bucky’s hair and turned off the lamp so they could sleep. 

Bucky was big spoon tonight, which was rare, but he wanted his naked dick to be nestled in Steve’s ass all night. Sprawling, Bucky also had a leg thrown over Steve’s hip and an arm up by his face. He was just taking over Steve’s body as he fell asleep. 

Steve loved it too. It made him feel so good to have Bucky close like that. He was able to relax into sleep easily and quickly. He was finding that he was his best self when he was in private with Bucky.


	13. Chapter 13

When Steve woke up, he was in a tight heap under Bucky’s octopus limbs and he was on the very edge of the bed. This didn’t usually happen when Steve was big spoon so, with Bucky cradling him, they got pushed all the way to the side. Steve rolled carefully and detangled Bucky from him so he could slip out of the bed and get dressed. He knew Bucky would likely be able to sleep another hour or two so he left him be. 

Upstairs, Maxime and Xavier were in the kitchen with a few coloring books and a bucket of crayons. Xavier looked up at Steve when he came in and smiled over at him. “Good morning, Steve. The Barnes’ sure can sleep, huh?” he asked and tucked a stray hair back from his face. He felt a kinship with Steve in only these few days. Steve spoke French and he was good with his son, and they were both with a Barnes sibling, which came with its own unique set of knowledge and experience. 

Steve sat down with them and Emmy gave him a page to color. He thanked him and grabbed a few crayons. “When Bucky’s out, he’s out for a pretty long time. I don’t think he’ll be up for a few hours. Must be genetic for them.” 

“Rebecca can fall asleep anywhere. We were at a dinner party and she fell asleep during a board game when our friend Mike was taking too long to make his move.” Xavier really liked this opportunity to talk about the siblings with someone else who would relate. 

“Bucky’s pretty good at knowing when he’s about to be down for the count. He always warns me,” Steve filled in a strawberry with a bright red crayon and then showed Emmy to make sure he approved of his work so far. 

“Becca likes to think she's doing okay but then she’s asleep,” Xavier chuckled and looked to his son. “Maxime is much more like his mother than me – in most ways. I’m very lucky about that.” 

Steve once again imagined Bucky with his own little baby. But this time, it was their own little baby. And it looked just like Bucky – his eyes, his dark hair, his cute nose, his soft smile. “Maxime has the same eyes as his mother - and Bucky.” 

“He’s got her energy too,” Xavier said and handed his son an apple slice to eat. “Keeps me on my toes all the time between them.” 

“Uncle Steve, will you make pancakes again?” Emmy asked as he took the apple from his dad. 

Steve’s eyes went wide and he looked from Xavier to Emmy, unsure what to do. The baby had called him ‘uncle’. How was he supposed to explain that he wasn’t his uncle? “I can make them once everyone is awake, if you want,” he said softly. 

Xavier stayed quiet. He didn’t want to make an assumption about if Steve and Bucky were going to get engaged and married or anything. And he didn’t want his son to be embarrassed for saying the wrong thing either. 

Maxime dominated the conversation for a little bit with asking Steve lots of questions like, “What’s your favorite color? When’s your birthday? When are you coming to visit? Do you live with Uncle Bucky?” 

Steve answered them as they came and then paused at the last one. “Uh, I don’t live with Bucky, but I see him every day,” he said. 

Maxime didn’t quite understand that not everyone was married like his parents. He just figured since his Uncle Bucky brought Steve then that meant they were like his mommy and daddy were. “Why don’t you live with your husband?” he asked, unaware. 

Steve knew he couldn’t just tell this sweet baby that he wished he was Bucky’s husband. So, he tried to explain as best as he could, “I care about Bucky a lot. But he’s not quite my husband.” 

Xavier came to Steve’s aid. “Maxime, not everyone in love gets married.” He knew they hadn’t yet talked to him about how marriage wasn’t the only option for people. He was also making an assumption, based on observation, that Steve and Bucky were, in fact, in love. 

“But if they love each other, I don’t get it,” Emmy said with confusion painting his tiny face. 

“Yes, Sweet Boy, but that doesn’t mean they are going to be married. You can be in love but not get married.” Xavier gave Steve an apologetic glance and hoped he understood. 

Steve nodded and backed him up, “Your dad is right about that.” 

Emmy was very lost but he was getting tired of this topic. “Fine...” he sighed and shoved another apple slice in his mouth. 

\- 

Steve had never driven a day in his life. He didn’t have a license and probably never would. So, once evening rolled around, Bucky found himself in the back of his dad’s car with Steve – blindfolded and confused. Steve had said it was supposed to be a surprise but Bucky didn’t really think the blindfold was entirely necessary. He wasn’t the biggest fan of not being able to see where he was going. “Steve...” he questioned uncertainly and held his hand in his. 

“I wanted to keep it a surprise,” Steve said, now unsure if this was a good idea. Maybe Bucky thought this was really dumb. Maybe he wouldn’t want to go dancing. 

“I get that, but my dad is driving us like we are going to a junior high prom. That or you’ve plotted together with him to kill and bury me in a snow bank so no one will know I’m gone until the spring.” 

“Yeah I’m going to take your place as Barnes son,” Steve giggled. “Bucky, I can’t drive. Which is why I asked your dad for help with this. If I had you drive us there it would've ruined the surprise. And maybe this is a little bit like a middle school dance, but I hope you like it. I think you will.” 

Bucky thought he better just relax about it. He was already in the car and he was wearing a nice outfit and his hair was done up in a bun with only a few choice strands falling into his face. It looked effortless but really took a long time to get it the way he wanted it. “Fine. But if you kill me, at least go take care of Tatum, please.” 

“I think that if I killed you and went back to get Tatum, he’d know and avenge you.” 

“You can live with a clawed off face, though.” But Bucky knew his precious angry cat would destroy Steve. 

“I’m still a tiny bit scared of him.” 

Bucky smiled. “That’s probably for the best really.” 

George stopped the car and Steve opened the door. “Bucky, time to get out of the car,” he said. 

“Can I take off this blindfold now?” he asked Steve and then added, “Dad, you’re not going to murder me right?” 

“I’m pretty sure he’d murder me before becoming my co-conspirator, Bucky,” Steve said, earning a hearty chuckle from George which confirmed Steve’s suspicions. “And not yet. I’ll guide you in.” 

Bucky was a little grumpy about it but he clung on to Steve’s arm and tromped carefully through the snowy sidewalk. “If we are going to some sort of Eyes Wide Shut orgy I’m going to be really mad.” 

“Well, there goes the secret,” Steve sighed and wrapped an arm around Bucky’s middle. “Two stairs. I’m going to pick you up.” 

Bucky gave a frazzled squeak but he was also sort of used to this from Steve. “I probably could have walked up two stairs if you helped me out a little.” 

“I’m putting my muscle to good use. Doorjamb. You can step over that one.” 

“Yeah, because you usually waste that muscle.” Bucky scoffed sarcastically. “Where are we? It smells like saffron?” 

“I’m going to take off your blindfold in a few seconds,” Steve said and lead him to sit at a booth table so he could take the blindfold off. 

Bucky blinked his eyes open to adjust to the dim light and he saw a hoard of couples dancing and several cocktail waitresses coming around with trays of appetizers and drinks. “Where... are we?” Bucky looked back up at Steve with a curious grin. 

Steve beamed happily. Bucky seemed to like this so far. He liked it. That was good. “Your mom had a suggestion.” He looked away bashfully, just now realizing how lame that sounded. “Dance with me?” 

“Is this an oldies dance bar?” Bucky asked. What even if this place right now? Bucky took Steve’s hand and stood. This was just adorable. 

“Uh. That’s a good way to describe it.” 

“So, are we dancing?” Now Bucky got why Steve told him to wear the fanciest outfit he packed – a short shiny grey dress that cut off near his knees and with a neckline that swooped tight on his collarbone. He also wore a pair of silky pantyhose and a soft yellow knit cardigan. 

Steve hadn’t packed a suit or anything so he wore his dark blue slacks and a tan-colored button-down under a cream sweater. He thought he looked incredibly average – especially in comparison to how gorgeous Bucky looked. “If you want to.” 

“Of course, I want to dance with you,” Bucky pulled Steve tight to him and kissed him to prove he loved this. “Although, I don’t know how well-versed I am in dancing that isn’t just... you know.” The only dancing he was very good at was club-dancing and go-go dancing and this was certainly not the place for it. 

“I’ll lead. Just follow, okay?” Steve tugged him by the hand to the dance floor and slipped his hand over Bucky’s hip. Steve could actually partner dance fairly well. It was another hidden talent he hadn’t yet shared with Bucky. His mother and father used to dance together and they helped teach him how it was done. 

Bucky looked around them and noticed that all the rest of the patrons were about fifty or older. He and Steve kind of stood out amongst them, but Bucky didn’t mind so much. “So, my mom set up our date night?” he asked as he tried to follow Steve in a slow pattern. “I’m sort of surprised that she even knows about this place. I didn’t pin my parents as the dancing type.” 

“Your family is just amazing,” Steve said. This had been a collaborative effort with Bucky’s parents, and they were both more than happy to help him give their son a lovely evening. “But you, Bucky, you’re pure magic.” Steve thought Bucky looked so pretty in this lighting and he just took his breath away. 

Bucky took a deep little breath and shook his head. “Fuck, Steve. Can I kiss you?” He was only asking because he knew Steve could sometimes be anti-PDA. 

Steve nodded and leaned in as an answer. He pressed his lips to Bucky’s and hummed. He loved this sweet angel. He was so convinced that Bucky was made of stardust and all things wonderful. Even his flaws and faults made Bucky so uniquely him that Steve wouldn’t trade them for anything. He just loved him exactly as he was and would be. 

“You’re just the cutest,” Bucky whispered. He held on to Steve’s shoulders and never wanted to let go. He was still adjusting to the dance but he felt much more confident when he was looking up into Steve’s eyes. “You know... work was never fun until you got the job. I hated having to come in until you were there, and then it was all I could do to wait until the next morning to see you and talk to you again.” 

“You’re just saying that.” But Steve’s heart was bursting. 

“Why would I lie to you?” 

Steve tilted his head in contemplation for a moment. “I don’t think you’re lying. That’s just such a nice thing to think about a person. Any person, not just me. And it’s such a nice thing coming from you. You’re not just anybody.” 

“You’re not just anybody either,” Bucky whispered back. How much closer could the two of them really get to a love proclamation without ever actually saying the words? They each knew they kept doing this – getting close but not spilling it. But neither of them knew it wasn’t one-sided. 

Touching one of Bucky’s curls in his face, Steve said, “I’m happy to be your somebody, then.” He wanted to plant himself as Bucky’s somebody until death did they part. 

“Is it okay to say that I never want this trip to end? I don’t want to have to go back to New York.” The music changed and they picked up speed a little bit but didn’t stop staring at each other. “I love the city and I love my apartment and everything Brooklyn has to offer. But I hate my job, I hate how fast time goes by, I hate that I’m going nowhere. I love this. Right here.” 

“I feel that too. I don’t want to leave right now. I want to wake up like I’ve been waking up. I want to make pancakes every morning. I never want to have to swipe my keycard when the elevators are locked because I had to work late.” 

Bucky giggled and looked up at Steve with big bright eyes. “You do make really good pancakes. I think Emmy would make you move to Massachusetts if he could.” 

“I don’t think it would be hard for him to convince me to do anything. He’s very Barnes. Which means he has that persuasive thing and I think it’s genetic.” 

“Yeah, Barnes’ are persuasive. That’s true. There’s really no way around it. I am very happy that you like my family, though. They like you a lot too.” Bucky’s hands went up to touch Steve’s neck and he leaned in like he wanted to kiss his jaw but he pulled back, remembering they were in public. 

“They’re good people. I’ll miss them.” Steve only really meant that he would miss them when they went back to New York. Right now, he wasn’t thinking about having to never see Bucky’s good-hearted family again. 

Bucky nodded. He knew exactly what Steve meant. He didn’t want to leave his family at all either. “Well, we have all day tomorrow with them. And we have the rest of the night tonight just you and me.” 

“I’ll focus on the moment.” Steve looked Bucky up and down a few times, hoping to save this day to his memory as clear as he could. “You look beautiful tonight.” You look beautiful every night but, yeah. 

“I would have looked better if I would have known where we were going.” Bucky might have put on a little bit of foundation and light eye shadow to really make his face pop. He didn’t wear make-up all that often, but tonight would have been perfect for it. 

“Next time, I'll warn you.” 

“Yeah, next time.” Bucky moved Steve’s hands down his hips to just on the top of his ass. He thought that was mostly appropriate. “It’s just your loss, I guess, because I would have looked absolutely amazing for you.” 

“You look absolutely amazing now,” Steve countered quickly. Bucky was the most beautiful thing he ever saw – every time he blinked and opened his eyes, Bucky got more radiant. It was mystifying. “But, like I said, next time.” 

Bucky shook his head and smiled but then he had a thought. “Can I ask you something?” he said tentatively, changing their flirtatious tone for now. He thought now would be a good time to address something he had always wondered. “What did your other boyfriends look like?” 

He said ‘other’. Meaning... he considers himself my boyfriend? Or is he just forgetting since we are saying that to his family? “I dated a redhead once,” Steve said, a little lost as to what Bucky was aiming for. 

“Okay, no...” Bucky chuckled. That wasn’t what he meant. “I mean. Like how did they look? Like how big were they? What did they dress like?” He was trying to fish for information about if Steve dated anyone who was ‘pretty’ like Bucky. 

“Oh!” Steve got it now. He understood what Bucky was going for. And Steve wanted to say that none of them were important because none of them were his Princess Bucky. But instead, he said, “Average. Boring. Smaller than me? Not that that’s hard, but shorter, generally.” He paused and thought back on them. “Can I answer boring for the way they dressed? Or do you want more details?” He hoped these were good enough answers. “I mainly got approached. I don’t know if I had a type, if that’s what you’re asking.” He certainly didn’t have a type now. All he wanted was Bucky Barnes. 

“Yeah, what did they wear?” Bucky was still trying to find out if there was any pattern at all. He would just die if he saw Steve with another man who looked similar to himself. He would feel so discarded and replaced if, after this was over, Steve got a better, prettier boyfriend. 

“Khakis. Button downs. Those white Hanes t-shirts that get sold in a five-pack and are definitely undershirts.” Steve sighed, none of them did anything for him like Bucky did. “One of them wore panties once. But I think that was just a one-off sex thing.” 

“So, no one... like me?” Bucky asked. Steve truly didn’t have a type then? There was no one that had been anything more unique than the fact that their grandpa once met LBJ. 

Steve shook his head. “No one like you.” Steve hadn’t ever been the kind of guy to have a ‘type’. Of course, if he would have visualized someone he wanted to be with, they might have been sort of small and fairly pretty. But he never would have been able to think up someone quite like Bucky. 

“Is it okay that I like that?” Bucky asked softly. “Is that selfish? That’s selfish. I’m sorry.” 

Steve pulled him a little closer so they were stepping and swaying right in line with each other. “It’s not selfish. And even if it were, we're allowed to be selfish sometimes.” He caressed Bucky’s cheek gently. “Maybe I like that you like that.” 

“I like knowing that I’m special like that,” Bucky admitted. “Which I also realize is pretty self-centered too.” He just wanted to be a perfect precious princess. 

“You’re special to me in many ways.” Just say ‘I love you’. Just tell him. Come on. “And you’re not hurting anyone. So, even if I did think it was self-centered, which I don’t, would that really be a bad thing?” 

Bucky shrugged. “Well, I don’t want to seem too... It’s not... it’s not attractive to be full of yourself.” It’s not very princess-y. 

Steve tilted his head and sighed. Bucky was so careful all the time – never wanting to seem anything but kind. “I don’t think that you’re full of yourself.” You’re the fucking sun, Bucky. “Everything you do is attractive.” 

Bucky looked up at Steve with such reverence in his eyes before pulling into kiss him more passionately this time. Steve complimented him so much. Bucky loved the reassurance but he couldn’t handle how cute Steve was when he did that. 

The music slowed down a lot more and Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. He saw a few other couples doing the same. Steve was so close and so warm and Bucky loved this and he loved Steve. And he couldn’t believe it had already been roughly two months now. Time was going too fast. 

Eventually, the band picked up again to a speed Bucky just wasn’t able to dance to. He was not coordinated enough in partner-dancing to manage. “Buy me a drink? And split a tiramisu with me? I want to sit down for a bit. White wine please – Riesling. ” 

“Okay, Pretty.” Steve gave him a quick kiss and flagged down a waitress at their table. He ordered them each a drink and the dessert. He pressed his leg to Bucky’s in the booth and draped an arm around him. The waitress came back quickly and he held up his glass to Bucky. “Cheers.” 

Bucky pulled his legs up over Steve’s lap so he was almost sitting on him. “Cheers, yes.” He smiled wide and took a sip from his wine before grabbing Steve for another long, pushy kiss. He was going to do that every minute until they had to leave Colorado. 

Steve, being a little impulsive, started up a conversation by saying, “Emmy was very confused to learn that we’re not married.” 

“Oh. He’s used to his parents and my parents. I don’t think he knows many other adults. His parents also got married after knowing each other for such little time.” Bucky really hoped Steve wasn’t upset about the mistake. 

Steve swirled his wine in his glass, contemplating what it would be like to just ask Bucky if he wanted to get married. But that was ridiculous. “His, uh, disbelief was cute.” 

“Oh no. What did he say to you? Do I have to do some damage control?” 

“No, no, Xavier was there. But he started off by asking why we didn’t live together.” Steve shook his head at the memory. He thought Maxime was the more adorable little kid he had ever met – although, he hadn’t met many. 

“Oh, well, he’s just a kiddo. He doesn’t really know how other people do things. And he doesn’t really have a filter. He’s also home-schooled by Xavier, so he doesn’t know much about anything that isn’t his family,” Bucky said, not meaning to come off as defensive, but definitely showing his protection of his family a little. 

Steve didn’t mind. He loved that Bucky cared about his family, and they cared about him. “He’s a sweet kid. It’s okay to ask questions like that. It didn’t bother me.” 

“I’m sorry if he made you uncomfortable.” After all, we aren’t married – or even real boyfriends. 

“He didn’t,” Steve promised and touched Bucky’s hand. 

“He just likes you a lot. That’s all. He probably just wants to make sure you’re happy.” 

Steve nodded. “I am happy.” Right now, with you, I couldn’t be happier. And I think it must show whenever I look at you. But I can’t just say what I want to say. Because I can’t risk losing you early. 

“Good. Emmy will be pleased to hear that.” Bucky finished off his glass of wine and asked a passing waitress for another. “But it makes me happy to know you are happy. I want you to have everything you’ve ever wanted.” 

“Uh...” Steve couldn’t handle this. He felt like he was about to explode. “I think I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted.” I got you. I just don’t get to keep you, right? 

“Really?” Bucky’s eyes were starting to swim with the haziness of wine as he sipped through his second glass. He didn’t drink too often or too much. He was the world’s worst lightweight since he hardly ate anything to help pad the alcohol. “I thought you wanted to have, like, a family eventually, right?” 

“I wasn’t ever sure about whether or not I wanted to have a family. I just knew I wanted a person that made me happy, you know?” Steve clarified. 

“But you mentioned maybe having a baby?” Bucky wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore either. He had always thought that maybe a husband would be nice, or maybe a baby would be nice. But maybe neither... maybe both. He never knew for sure. But Steve was causing him to rethink all the past arguments in a different light. 

“Maybe. I don’t know,” Steve said noncommittally and drank some more. 

“Should I stop talking about this?” 

“No, it’s okay.” 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t be like pressuring you about your future. You’re young. You have so much time to decide.” Why was he talking like he was ages older than Steve instead of roughly a year? 

Steve sighed softly and gave a tiny smile. Bucky was just so... him, sometimes. “Nah. We’re close. It’s okay to talk about.” 

“You want another glass of wine?” Bucky wanted to move them along. He felt bad. “We can dance some more or take a little walk.” 

Steve saw right through Bucky’s obvious attempt to divert the subject so he kissed him to try to comfort Bucky, and let him know that he was alright. “It’s okay, Bucky. We’re friends. We can talk about whatever. But I could go for more wine.” Friends. 

“Yeah... friends...” Bucky whispered, like he hadn’t heard the word before and now he hated it. Nope. Don’t like that. “More wine. Maybe a few more glasses.” They weren’t friends. They were way past that. And Steve just called them that like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was pretty clear to Bucky that they were more than friends. But he... didn’t know what exactly they were then. 

Three glasses of wine later, Bucky was gone. He was giggly and horny and touchy and sitting directly in Steve’s lap now. He didn’t usually drink this much and he was feeling it so hard. He laughed to himself as his fingers felt their way all over Steve’s face, neck, and chest. “Okay, Steve, Steve... Steve?” He was trying to get his attention even though Steve was staring right at him. “You wanna hear a cement? Oh, no... I mean a secret?” 

Steve rubbed his hands down Bucky’s torso and sides and tried to keep him from tilting back and forth too much. Steve was regretting this wine thing. He was going to have to get Bucky into his father’s car like this. That was going to be embarrassing – for all of them. “Yeah, go for it.” 

“One time, I told Johnson that I was going with Martha on her sales call because I knew the area better. But we actually went on a spa day together.” It wouldn't be much of a secret for most people, but Bucky was such a dedicated employee and never did anything like that. It was a big deal to him and it still kind of weighed on him. “Her ex-husband had just gotten engaged again so we decided to take a personal day but, you know, still get paid.” 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh. He loved how Bucky told him this like it was the juiciest secret in human history. But Steve did know how diligent Bucky was at work so, it was a surprise. “I mean, sometimes getting pampered is more important.” 

“Well, yeah! But, Steve! Steve!” He was a little loud. “I had an entire day’s worth of pay for just going to the spa... and then the movies. We saw the last Hobbit movie. It wasn’t very good, but I like that wizard.” 

“You mean to tell me you’ve never faked a sick day?” 

“Faked a sick day!” Mr. Integrity Barnes was scandalized. “No. Why? Do you do that? Babe, Babe... no. You’re... you gotta... if you’re sick, it’s fine. But even if I'm sick, I still show up until they make me go home.” Bucky didn’t really have a life outside of work nowadays. 

Steve grinned and brushed Bucky’s stray hair back again. He thought every single Bucky was the cutest thing in the world – including, now, Drunk Confessional Bucky. “Yeah, Princess, it’s hard to pry you away from those numbers,” he said. “I mean. I’ve done it a few times. I try not to make a habit of it.” 

Bucky nodded but then got distracted. He had a short-term tolerance for talking this much when he was drunk. His horniness always ended up winning out sooner or later. “Steve...” he said with dark eyes and hands on his chest. “Baby...” He trailed his hands down lower. “You wanna?” 

It took Steve longer than he would like to admit to tell Bucky no. His body wanted him. He wanted him. But they couldn’t do this here. He took Bucky’s hand off his crotch and held it to his heart. “Maybe not here? We’re in public.” 

“Okay, then suck me off in the bathroom.” Horny Bucky had no chill. “Then we can go home and you can fuck my ass into next week.” 

Steve definitely felt like this was the kind of place where it would be noticed if he gave Bucky a bathroom blowjob. And he wasn’t exactly wanting to get them kicked out tonight. “Hey, be patient, okay?” he said, calmly, trying to tame horny Bucky. “When we get home, I’ll give you everything you need.” 

“But... Baby...” Bucky whined and a little high-pitched squeak escaped from him. He mushed his face in against Steve’s neck and whispered, “Feel my cock, Baby. See? I want you.” 

Steve, who was the weakest motherfucker ever, slowly cupped Bucky’s dick under his dress and sighed contentedly. This wasn’t helping his argument that they shouldn’t do this right now. “Not here, Bucky, okay?” he said and tore his hand away finally. 

Bucky flopped his arms down a little, petulantly, but he gave in. “Later? Please? Promise?” 

“Promise.” Steve loved Bucky with every ounce of his being, even when he was begging for sex in public. 

“I want you to fuck me. We need to use those new handcuffs,” Bucky informed him. “Maybe I should try on one of your jockstraps, too.” It would be big on him but maybe he could make it work. 

Steve had no idea how Bucky was always so irresistible. He was losing it because this angel was so hot. “I’m going to call your dad,” Steve said hastily and pulled out his phone. He wanted to get them home soon. It really sucked that he couldn’t drive. He felt like he was fourteen. 

“Don’t call my dad,” Bucky protested, unsure why Steve would need to do a thing like that. But then he remembered. “Oh, to pick us up,” he said. “You should learn to drive. That way, next time we’re in Colorado, you don’t have to call my dad.” 

Steve stopped what he was doing. “Next time?” He wanted to know what Bucky meant, but it seemed like Bucky was too drunk to try to get a proper reason out of him so he just nodded. “Yeah, next time.” 

George came to get them quickly. Bucky was sobered up just a tiny bit, but not enough to be aware of the fact that he needed to reign it in. He was still loud when they were in the car too. “Dad! Steve took me dancing!” 

Steve had his hand on Bucky’s knee and he stroked it and shushed Bucky gently so he knew to bring it down a notch. “Bucky’s a fast learner.” 

“He’s a little drunk,” George observed. “Don’t think I've ever seen him drunk before.” 

Steve blanched and hoped to god that George didn’t think less of him for getting Bucky drunk. He wasn't sure how he felt about alcohol. Or if he didn’t like the idea of his children being able to drink. 

“Dad, I’ve seen you drunk. Two years ago, at your birthday. You were upset about turning fifty,” Bucky countered in defense. “You drank a lot of beer and stared at a picture of yourself in your college rugby uniform.” 

George turned down the next street and nodded. “I distinctly remember you mocking me about that, Jamie. That’s not very nice.” 

Steve was enjoying just watching this father-and-son interaction. He hadn't seen this particular brand of teasing in a long time. He also noted that he called Bucky ‘Jamie,’ and remembered Bucky saying that his dad liked to use his first name. “Next time, I’ll just let him have water, Sir.” Sir? Who are you trying to impress? “Or, well, I don’t set the rules. He does. But I'll encourage him to remember that water is an option.” 

“Sir?” George asked with a bit of surprised annoyance. He looked into the rearview mirror at Steve and said, “You’re both adults. I trust you. His sister has told me he’s a lightweight. So, I’m not surprised. You don’t have to pretend that I’m in charge of you two just because I'm driving. And you don’t have to call me ‘sir’.” 

“I won’t call you ‘sir’ again... Sir,” Steve said, clearly joking around this time. 

George laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, I get it, Son.” He was such a dad. “Do you boys need any food? I can drive through a Wendy’s or something.” He looked at Steve again and more subtly asked, “Has he eaten today?” 

Steve just realized he wasn’t sure if Bucky had consumed any food yet. He made a note to pay better attention from now on. “Just a few bites of dessert, I think.” 

“Well, that’s something I guess,” George mumbled. He knew his son and how little he did eat. Even though it hadn’t yet been too big of a problem, he still worried to death about him. “James, Buddy, will you eat some fries from Wendy’s?” he asked and pulled into the drive-thru anyway. “What do you want to eat, Steve?” 

Steve usually liked to watch what he ate at all times. He worked out and dieted a lot. But he didn’t want to tell Bucky’s father to order something without any bread. That would just make it seem like he didn’t eat either. So, he decided on a random combo meal that looked pretty good. He could cheat on food today. “Let me pay?” he asked but was ignored as George ordered and then paid anyway. Can a Barnes let me pay for anything ever? 

“Here you go.” George passed the bag back to them and then their drinks. “Your meal. Extra fries for Bucky. And water.” 

“Thank you,” Steve said and observed Bucky after he gave him his fries. It was like watching a nature documentary. Would the wild Bucky eat his food? 

“Dad, ketchup,” Bucky complained and held his hand out for some packets. They were in the bag and Steve fished them out for Bucky. And he did end up eating a significant portion of the box of fries. There was only a handful left in the large container once he was done. 

Steve was dumbfounded. He wasn’t sure if it was because Bucky’s dad was there or what it was. What made Bucky do the things he did? Steve quietly ate his own food and lamented how much extra working out he was going to have to do later to make up for this. 

The food and water helped to bring Bucky back down a little and, by the time they were home, he was much more sober and aware and reasonable. He thanked his dad for driving them and then he dragged Steve downstairs. He knew at this time of night, everyone was asleep and his dad would be heading to his own bed soon. It was time to be alone with Steve. “I'm sorry I tried to get you to suck me off in the bathroom of an oldies dance club...” Bucky was calmer now. 

“The idea was good. It just wasn’t the right venue,” Steve said and helped Bucky out of his layers one at a time. 

“I am also sorry for getting handsy in public...” Bucky said as he lifted his arms up for Steve to take his dress off. 

“Touching your cock is one of my favorite things. We were mostly discrete. It’s okay.” 

“You’ve never seen me drunk before have you?” Bucky asked and tried to remember if they had ever really done that before. He was down to his panties now and he was horny again. 

Steve shrugged and guided Bucky to the bed. “We usually stop after one drink.” 

“Well, because I don’t usually drink. I enjoy the occasional glass of wine or nice bourbon, but I don’t generally drink.” Bucky flopped back on the warm blankets and spread out for Steve. He was beyond pleased they were finally going to touch now. “Although, New Year’s Eve is the exception. I’m usually drunk on New Year’s.” 

“Noted,” Steve said and sucked a mark onto Bucky’s neck. “Now, shut up and kiss me. I have a promise to keep.”


	14. Chapter 14

Leaving Colorado was tough on both Bucky and Steve. Bucky hated having to say goodbye to his family and Steve dreaded the reality that was waiting for them in New York. There were lots of hugs and some crying, and Maxime clung on to Steve until he absolutely had to let go. 

Once they were back in Brooklyn, they spent a lot of time on the couch watching movies and talking about fond memories of the trip. But, eventually, New Year’s Eve rolled in and Bucky sprang back to life. New Year’s Eve meant a big party and Bucky was more than ready to celebrate.

Steve, on the other hand, was significantly less enthused. “I’m not huge on parties,” he mumbled and stared at Bucky as he flitted around his room deciding what to wear. 

“Steve, what are you going to do tonight? Just lay on your couch and watch the news?” Bucky asked, even though that was usually what he himself did if he wasn’t invited out.

Steve shrugged. “Maybe not the news. Maybe one of those New Year’s Eve things. With the concerts.”

“Okay, well, I’m guessing that the Dick Clark special is going to be on one of the TV’s wherever we go. You can watch the ball drop, Babe.” Bucky stopped to squeeze Steve’s arms and look into his eyes, pleading with him to join in.

“Bucky...” Steve was trying to give him an out here. Bucky didn’t seem to realize or want to take it.

“What? What? Babe, come on,” Bucky begged again. “You will have fun. My buddies are so nice and I’m sure the party they found is going to be a good one.”

Steve really didn’t want to go at all. This whole thing just didn’t feel right to him. He didn’t want to go partying tonight. But Bucky was so excited and it was hard to say no to him at all, ever. “Fine, fine, okay.”

“If you start to really hate it, we can go home?” Bucky said, trying to compromise. He touched his hands down Steve’s button-down and khakis. That was not party material. “You can’t wear this to the party.” 

“Do you want me to go grab something from my place?” Steve asked, getting a tiny bit grumpy and testy, but trying not to show it.

“No. No. Don’t worry. I have some stuff that would fit you.” Bucky’s biggest jeans and sweater would probably fit Steve incredibly close, but it would still fit.

Steve shook his head emphatically. “You wear your pants tight.” He wasn’t about to squeeze into some size nothing pants just to go to a party he didn’t want to be a part of. 

Bucky quietly found a pair of jeans that used to belong to an old boyfriend – they were just a few sizes bigger than Bucky wore, so they would still be tight on Steve. He also grabbed a big oversized sweater that would, hopefully, look normal on Steve. “Here, just put these on,” Bucky said and handed them to him.

“Okay, be right back,” Steve grumbled and walked to the bathroom. He didn’t want Bucky to see him struggle to get his ass into these pants. 

While Steve was away, Bucky stripped down and put on a pair of navy velvet tights and a huge shaggy pink knit sweater. It would have looked garish on anyone else but it suited him. “How’s it going, Steve?” he called down the hall. 

“It’s going,” Steve grunted back. He was dressed, but it was snug as all hell. He just stared at himself in the long mirror and felt absolutely ridiculous. The sweater was thin enough that it caught on his muscles and the jeans were so small that he couldn’t wear underwear with them. His dick and balls were just about screaming to be free. He shuffled back to Bucky’s room and presented himself, his hand lingering near his crotch to cover how clearly his junk could be seen.

“You look sexy,” Bucky said and gave Steve a once-over. Tight clothes on Steve were definitely a good idea. “Not much to the imagination there. I like it.”

Steve sighed. He wasn’t able to really appreciate Bucky’s compliments since he felt so unnatural in these clothes. “I’m pretty sure it would have the same effect if I were wearing no pants.” 

“But you look amazing. Come here.” Bucky reached out for him so he could touch over Steve and have a moment just to feel him. 

 _Why do you want everyone to see my body if I’m all yours?_ But he wasn’t Bucky’s, and Bucky wasn’t his. Not really. Steve got close and really looked at Bucky. He was gorgeous like usual. “I don’t look as good as you.”

“Lies,” Bucky countered. His hands roamed over Steve’s thighs and up to his ass. It was cupped so nicely in the pants and he loved that. “Do you really hate the pants? Because I suppose you can wear your pants with my top if it’s really going to bug you.”

“I kind of hate them. But it's okay. It's fine,” Steve admitted. Because if Bucky liked them so much, that made them tolerable, right?

“You hate them. So, take them off,” Bucky said. “I’m serious. You can wear your pants. You keep holding your hands over your cock.”

“Bucky... it's fine. I wear those compression tights under my basketball shorts when I work out. I just need a second.” Steve was still feeling icky, but he was calming down slowly.

Bucky kissed Steve quickly and pulled away from him. “Okay, well. I’m going to go do my hair.” He skipped off to the bathroom and Steve trudged after him.

Steve watched Bucky curl his hair just right so it was gentle and big. He then watched as Bucky applied a light layer of foundation on his face to make himself look even and smooth – Steve thought Bucky already looked smooth but, according to Bucky, it wasn’t the look he was going for exactly. “Your hair looks nice,” Steve said and settled on the closed toilet lid to keep watching him.

“Thanks,” Bucky mumbled, his face pressed close to the mirror as he concentrated on putting the softest tan eyeshadow on ever so lightly so his eyes popped. “I need to get some more of my hair spray. It’s this fancy stuff that isn't bad for the environment somehow. I don’t remember why but I read about it once. And the whole can is recyclable.” Bucky took a look at his hair for a moment and sighed, “It’s a little flat...”

Steve shook his head automatically. “You look amazing, Sweetheart.”

Bucky ignored him just so he could finish up. He tried to decide if he should darken his eyelashes or eyebrows but he eventually chose not to. He wanted a light, dewy look. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.”  _No, I’m not._

“Are we coming back here afterwards? Or your place?” Bucky was assuming they would just be together all evening. He assumed they would go home together like normal.

However, Steve had a sinking feeling that tonight was simply not going to end well. And he didn’t know where that was coming from. “Not sure yet. Whatever feels right?”

“Okay. We can decide later.” Bucky pulled on his coat and grabbed his keys. “Let’s go then. Are you going to drink or no?”

“Yes,” Steve answered quickly. If he had mild hopes of having fun tonight then he would need some liquid confidence to get him through.

Once they got to the party, Bucky was instantly attacked by a hoard of his dancer friends. They were all about his height and size and weight. It was a swarming puddle of soft, wild boys. Bucky gave them all hugs and little kisses on their cheeks before extricating himself to introduce everyone. “Steve,” he said and then pointed to each one as he went. “Misty, Garrett, Francis, Nate, Morgan, Clay, Benny, Rain, Mateo, Laurie.”

Steve waved nervously at this pile of attractive dancers with their wide, curious eyes on him. Bucky continued, “Everyone, this is Steve.” Bucky touched Steve’s arm gently and tried to keep this from being too overwhelming. “Benny, you said there’s an open bar?” he asked and led Steve to follow Benny to the alcohol.

There was a healthy dose of all genders present and just about everyone was queer. Everyone was decked out in their best outfits to bring in the new year. There were several couches scattered around some TVs and Steve noticed a pool table and a beer pong table too. There were string lights everywhere and glitter confetti on almost every surface.

Steve got his drink and looked out into the sea of strangers. It was definitely too many people for his comfort. He took a few shots and then peeled away from the bar to go take a walk around. He didn’t want to just be pressed against Bucky all night. He knew he would bring him down since he wasn’t going to enjoy himself as much as Bucky would.

Watching Steve slip off across the room brought Bucky down anyway. He wanted to trail after him and ask what he was doing. But then he was being pulled into a drinking game. He was monumentally terrible at it too, and ended up far more inebriated than he thought he would be this early in the night. He also tried to stop himself from watching Steve everywhere he went. Steve was his own man. He was allowed to go mingle if he wanted to.

Eventually, Steve made his way back and rested his hand on Bucky’s hair for a moment. He had finished his walk-about and talked to a few people who knew Bucky and a couple of his former dance buddies too. But now he was wanting to touch back to his home base again.

“Hey, Babe,” Bucky said with a drawn-out slur of his words as he caught Steve’s hand and kissed it. “Steve, god... look at you.” He shook his head and tried to pull Steve in closer. “Come here. Come here.”

Steve sat down on the couch next to Bucky and gently tugged his hand away from his grasp. There was a little space between them – a few inches. When Steve had talked to Bucky’s friends, he said a lot of things to cover his tracks and save himself any conversation or explanation. He was asked how he knew Bucky and he said, ‘Bucky and I work together.’ He was asked by a drunk, soft, wild, dancer boy if he was queer and he said, ‘No.’ He was propositioned by a random stranger and he said, ‘Sorry. I’m not into that.' He was having absolutely no fun here tonight.

“Babe, come on,” Bucky said and scooted closer to him. He threw his velvet legs over Steve’s lap and put his hands on Steve’s chest. There were plenty of people all around them making out and Bucky was drunk enough that he was horny and needy and oblivious to anything else.

Steve tensed up but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t encourage it. He just looked at Bucky with a pleading look that he hoped like hell drunk Bucky would understand.

“Steve...” Bucky could tell Steve wasn’t giving like he usually did. He put his hands on his face and tried to pull him in for a kiss.

Steve shook his head and grabbed Bucky’s hands to stop him. “Not right now,” he said sternly.

Bucky whined loudly and flipped so he was straddling Steve.  _Pay attention to me._  He was right up on Steve as he took Steve’s hand and moved it to his smooth velvet-covered ass to hold. “I’m drunk. Kiss me, Baby. Please.”

“I don’t feel very comfortable doing that,” Steve said and removed his hands from Bucky entirely.

“You’re drunk too, right?” Bucky asked and tugged on Steve’s sweater. Whereas Drunk Bucky was loud and horny and spilled his secrets, Drunk Steve had two phases – less responsible and more outgoing, but very confrontational, then he passed over the line into depressed and pitiful. In general, he could get a little more guarded and irritable.

“Not really.” Steve was on his buzzed level and that just made his grumpiness stronger. He was nowhere near as gone as Bucky was. 

Bucky pulled a long face. “Why won’t you kiss me?” He just wanted to make out with Steve. “Come on. It’s New Year’s. It’s about to be midnight in a few minutes. Come on.”

“We can kiss at midnight.” Steve didn’t even want to do that. He was giving off a certain persona here tonight and he was keeping himself walled off from everybody. But he could give Bucky one midnight kiss as a compromise. He scanned the room a few times to check if anyone was distinctly looking at them for some reason.

Bucky scoffed and rolled off of Steve. He stood in front of him for a moment and then said, “Fine!” and walked away quickly. His rational brain wasn’t with him right now. All he could think was,  _Alright, fuck you too, Rogers. You always want to make out with me but whatever._  He was angry now too. Bucky got another drink and slipped down to the basement where there was a little dance floor and music going. 

Steve waited on the couch for a few minutes trying to decide if he should just go or not. But he thought it was best to at least tell Bucky he was leaving. He found Bucky in a corner and he got close to him so he could shout into his ear over the music. “Are you okay to get a cab back to your place alone?” he asked and had a brief moment where he worried,  _What_ _if Bucky fucks someone?_ But then he remembered he wasn’t his boyfriend. And if Bucky wanted to do that then he could do that. It was his choice. So, Steve held his tongue when it wanted to tell him not to touch anyone else tonight. 

“The fuck are you talking about?” Bucky spit back. Why was he going anywhere alone? Bucky thought this would be a fun memorable night for them but so far it was just drinking separately. 

“I’m going home,” Steve said in a tone that allowed no protest. He hadn’t wanted to come anyway. “You’re having fun, so...”  _Like whatever. I’m not your dad. You’re clearly having more fun than me and if I drag you away that would make me feel like an asshole._ Steve’s brain was on fire.

Bucky had to blink back the tears that wanted to crop up on him. If Steve said one more thing, he was going to cry. He didn’t understand where the night went wrong. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Happy New Year,” he said curtly and turned on his heels to head to the bathroom before Steve could see how upset he was and how wet his eyes were.

Steve understood that Bucky was drunk. And that meant he couldn’t really grasp that Steve was truly uncomfortable here and had a right to leave. Steve didn’t feel bad about that. But he did feel bad about making Bucky upset with him. He had a feeling this would be something they would both have to realize they needed to apologize for later. 

He didn’t follow Bucky this time. He didn’t want to fight in public. He just circulated back around the party to find one of Bucky’s dancer friends again. He got to one that seemed to be fairly sober and wasn’t currently sucking face with somebody on a couch. “Can you make sure Bucky doesn’t do something stupid?”

Morgan straightened up to try to match Steve’s height – an impossible feat for such a short guy. “Why’s it matter to you? You don’t seem to be that interested,” he said, clearly not aware of the whole story. “You didn’t have to come just because he asked. Don’t lead him on.” He assumed this was in the flirtatious stage of things, with Bucky reading more into it than what was actually there. The impression Steve gave off made Morgan distrust him with Bucky. Maybe he was just playing around for the fun of it. Maybe he was a straight guy trying to win a bet with somebody. He didn’t know, but he didn’t like it.

Arms crossed tightly to his chest, Steve sighed and shook his head. He wasn’t about to go into the whole story, but he got the feeling he had to justify this somehow. “Because I care about him, that’s why. I don’t want him to die or have something happen to him.”  _Why don’t you stay with him then, Steve?_

“Fine. I’ll get him a cab after the ball drops,” Morgan said, crossing his arms too. “To his place I guess?” Steve wasn’t about to let Bucky over to his place, right?

“To wherever he wants to go.” Steve wasn’t Bucky’s keeper.

-

It was well into the start of the New Year and Bucky was still at the party. He was still drunk and sad and talking with his buddies about how he just didn’t understand Steve sometimes. Bucky explained to them how they had been fucking and being romantic together for about two months now. And then one of them piped up and said that Steve told Francis and some other guys that he wasn’t gay.

Everyone left around the circle was automatically on Bucky’s side here, and they all wanted to be gentle with him. They weren’t harsh in their interrogation because it was pretty clear to them that Bucky had caught feelings for Steve. “Are you sure it’s been two months?” Maybe Bucky meant they’ve had sex twice over two months?

“Yeah. We’ve been together for two months, why?” Bucky informed, tears still coming down his face. “He’s never really acted this way.”

“Has he ever said that you’re together?” Mateo asked. Bucky with his string of bad boyfriends was back, it seemed.

Bucky shook his head. “What? I don’t know. I’m not sure.” Yes, he was. He knew this was meant to end soon – very soon. “He just refused to kiss me. And, like, now you’re saying he told Francis he isn't gay.” Bucky paused. “He’s gay. He is. We’ve had that discussion.” He was thinking about the whole debacle of Steve going on a date with a woman and Bucky’s assumptions he made because of that. Steve had also done a lot of gay shit with Bucky to be a truly straight guy.

A few of the boys squinted and exchanged looks with each other. They didn’t like this. And their combined levels of drunk brain power were working in overdrive to work this out. “Has he ever told  _anyone_ that he’s gay? Besides you?” Benny asked.

Nate nodded and added, “He seems like the kind of guy who would have a picture of his wife and kids on his desk. Come on. Someone at work has to think something is up.”

Bucky was so overwhelmed. That was exactly what he thought about Steve to start with forever ago and then again when he thought Steve was into him because he was feminine. “Um... you... I... I guess not. I guess he hasn’t.”

There were more looks traded around the circle and Clay took it a step further to ask, “Does he cry like he’s sinning when you fuck?” Was there some underlying religious angle to this that they weren’t aware of?

After that question, Bucky was done. “What? No. Stop.” He was close to having a breakdown as it was. “I’m going home.” He stood on wobbly legs and wiped his eyes. He already missed his midnight kiss – something he had never had before anyway. And he was upset about trying to figure Steve out. He just wanted to go home and sleep.

-

Steve couldn’t explain how, but he ended up back at Bucky’s place instead of his own. Bucky’s place was just better. He was asleep on the couch with a blanket pulled over him and his hair matted down from some snow he got caught in. He hadn’t thought about whether this was a bad idea or not. He just landed right here.

Bucky stumbled into his apartment and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Steve. Oh, boy, was he going to get it. Bucky regretted ever giving him a key. He locked the door and strode over to Steve and pushed his leg with his foot. “Hey. Hey. Get up. Get up, Steve,” he said sharply.

Ruffled and uncertain, Steve sat up quickly and pulled himself from sleep. He was wearing sweatpants and a shirt that he always kept here. “You want me to go.” It was a statement, not a question.

Bucky was direct for once in asking, “Why did you tell Francis you’re not gay?” His arms were crossed and his hair was a total mess. He also had a little wine on his velvet tights and he was pissed about it.

Steve pulled the blanket back and sat on the edge of the couch. How was he supposed to explain this to someone when he had never once said it out loud? “I don’t like... telling people that I’m gay.”

“Not good enough. Explain.”

Steve rubbed his face a few times. He should have gone to his own apartment. “Can we do this in the morning?”

“No, I need to know,” Bucky said. He was shaking – a little out of cold, a little out of frustration, and a lot because he hadn’t eaten anything for almost eighteen hours. “You lost the chance to choose when to discuss this when you decided to come crash on my couch instead of going home. You have to talk.”

Steve was silent for a few moments, trying to assess how best to do this. “Besides to you, I’ve never told anyone I’m gay. Like I've never said the word.” He had had boyfriends, yes. But they didn’t talk about it.

“I don’t understand,” Bucky said. “You’re gay. We’ve talked about this.” He didn’t get why Steve would just lie and tell people he was straight.

“Not everyone has the confidence that you do, Bucky,” Steve pointed out with exhaustion in his voice. “I’ve never come out.” Did that explain it better to Bucky? Bucky, who had enough love of himself to last three lifetimes. Or, at least, that’s how Steve felt about it.

“We were at a party of a ton of people who don’t know you at all. We were at a party together. Together. And most of the people there were queer Steve.” How could that not be a setting Steve felt comfortable being gay in? “I just... I just wanted a midnight kiss from you.” After Steve had left, a lot of guys had offered to kiss him at midnight. Hell, a good handful offered to fuck him too, but Bucky said no to it all because he only ever wanted Steve.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said genuinely. He was sorry about that. But he wasn’t sorry about needing to get out of there. He wasn’t sure if Bucky would be able to understand that. “I just can’t help that I didn’t feel  _comfortable,_ Bucky.” Steve hugged his knees to his chest and his shoulders slumped. “Bucky, before you correctly guessed that I was gay, had you ever heard me mention it?”

Bucky softened a little at how sad and fragile Steve looked right now. He needed to ease up on him. “I’m so confused. You’ve... we’ve...” He tried to stay calmer now. “We’ve been kissing and touching and fucking and talking for two months. And you never mentioned any of this once.”

“It isn’t something that I talk about. There's really not a good way to just slide it into conversation.”

“We’ve talked about so much together. You could have said something. I had to hear from Rain’s boyfriend and Misty that you said you weren’t gay and that you called us... ‘co-workers’. Like nothing else even really matters to you.” Bucky looked away and then to the ground and then back at Steve slowly. “Not even friends?”

Resting his head on his knees, Steve wondered how exactly he should explain that this wasn’t really about Bucky himself and he never meant to hurt him with that. This was about Steve’s own shit. “I didn’t say that we weren’t friends,” he started. “Clearly, we’re friends. Regular co-workers don’t drag each other to parties.” Steve was exhausted, wondering,  _Does this even matter? We’re not going to be together soon anyway. Do I owe you this?_

Bucky still wouldn’t settle for that. “Regular co-workers don’t fuck each other as much as we have. Or buy each other floral jockstraps or go to Christmas in Colorado together.” He slumped into a chair dramatically. “You’re my best friend, Steve. If nothing else, that’s what you are to me.” Steve was Bucky’s whole world now, but he couldn’t just say that.

“I’ll do better,” Steve said. He was so done arguing that he just wanted to do whatever he had to get Bucky to be alright for tonight. Bucky didn’t seem to understand why Steve could be uncomfortable with his own sexuality or with people knowing about it. What else could he say to him now? “I promise I will. Okay?” He tilted his head away from Bucky to hide for a moment.  _I love you, but this is temporary._ Once this was over, Bucky would still have people who love and support him. But Steve would be all alone once again. He would not be with the one person, besides his parents, who had known him for how he was. 

Tears fell down Bucky’s cheeks and he curled tight in on himself just like Steve was. “I don’t really know what else to say right now,” he admitted. “Because I’m not really sure if there’s anything I could say that would help to make you feel like... you’re safe.”

“I feel safe with you,” Steve whispered. The rest of the world was scary and harsh and tragic. But he was safe with Bucky.

“You know I would fight anyone that said-” Bucky gasped and sniffled and wiped his eyes angrily. He cared so much about Steve and even the thought of anyone hurting him made his blood boil. And the thought that he wouldn’t do a thing to step in and help Steve hurt even more. Bucky covered his mouth to muffle the frustrated, upset sobs he couldn’t hold back.

Steve shook his head and watched Bucky shake. Bucky wasn’t supposed to make these noises. Did he break him? “You’re brave. I’m not that.” Steve reached out a hand nervously like he was afraid he had turned Bucky into glass. 

The second Steve initiated anything, Bucky popped off the chair and flung his arms around Steve’s neck. He pulled him in for a crushing hug, crying on him all the while. “I would never let anyone get away with saying anything to you.”

Steve relaxed with the comfort of being in Bucky’s arms and he let himself cry too. At least Bucky was touching him now, and he felt a lot better and safer and at home. He squeezed Bucky back and said, “I know, Bucky.” That was just like the Bucky he knew. “I know you’d protect me.” He kissed the side of his head gently and added, “And, for what it’s worth right now, you’re my best friend too.”

He couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Mhmm,” as he kept holding him. Now would have been a prime time to say he loved him. “You mean so much to me,” he whispered and gripped harder. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Not everyone does things the way I do. I know I'm like... obnoxiously gay.”

“You’re not obnoxious. You’re just Bucky,” Steve said. He really thought Bucky was the strongest person he had ever known. He was confident in himself and caring and clever. And he was Steve’s, but not Steve’s at the same time, and that killed him. “I could’ve explained.”

Bucky pulled away from Steve and held his face. “I’m still a little drunk. I should have just waited for the morning. I’m sorry.” He kissed him gingerly and hoped Steve felt a little better. “Let’s just... forget it for now.”

“Can we go to bed?”

“Yeah, let’s go to bed.” Bucky stumbled back to his feet and started for his bedroom. He peeled off his clothes and set them in his hamper. He wasn’t sleeping in wine-stained pants. “I need to clean off my make-up and wash my hair.”

Steve gave a small sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn’t feel near as bad as he had all evening. It felt comfortable again, like they worked through something important together. “Okay. Do you want me to get you pajamas? I can set them on the sink while you’re showering.”

“It’s fine. I’ll get it. I’m not going to shower. Just stick my head in the sink.” Bucky tiredly sticking his head in the sink to wash his hair was a common occurrence when he was this beat.

While Bucky was away, Steve curled up on the bed and hugged a pillow to his chest. He needed Bucky. He needed him in his arms. He needed to be cuddled up with him. He didn’t like waiting. 

Eventually, Bucky made his way back to his room. His hair was still pretty damp and he ignored his pajamas in favor of sidling up behind Steve as he was. He wrapped an arm around him and pressed his naked body close as he could go.

“I’m sorry I ruined New Year’s.” Steve felt like it had to be said.

“I don’t- it’s not- it doesn’t matter.” Bucky had wanted to have an incredible New Year’s together, but, at this point, it didn’t really matter. “I...”  _love you,_ “just want to have a good time together with you.”

Steve squirmed in Bucky’s arms to turn so he was facing him. “You really are the best friend I’ve ever had.” He placed a firm kiss to Bucky’s lips and lingered for a long while. “Happy New Year, Bucky.”  _Sorry I didn’t kiss you at midnight._

“Happy New Year,” Bucky whispered and slipped his hand to the back of Steve’s head. “You’re so handsome. Please make out with me now?” Time to make up for lost kisses all evening. 

Steve obliged him with lips and tongue and passion. His hand trailed up and down Bucky’s side as they made out and moaned quietly together. “I don’t know where I would be without your...” Steve blinked. “Without your friendship.” He knew it sounded stupid. He kissed Bucky again so he couldn’t say anything else – so he couldn’t say what he really wanted to.

It was a good thing there was another kiss too, because Bucky was about to protest their concept of friendship again. But then there was Steve’s hand on his hip, pulling him in tighter. And then Bucky was pushing back and grinding against him. Bucky wanted to be intimate with him. They both needed this. Not a fuck. They needed to make love.

That’s how they found the morning, with Bucky thrusting slowly and evenly inside Steve as the sun trickled in through the windows. It was the first sunrise of the new year and they came together with soft gasps and tired but loving eyes. 

-

The sun that filtered in cast a warm haze over the kitchen and living room. Bucky pulled his hair back into a messy bun and slid into a seat at the table. He was feeling just a little hungover from the night before, but he was trying his best to wake up.

Steve stood awkwardly against the counter and watched Bucky for a few moments before finally saying, “Is there anything I could make that you would eat?”

“Hmm?” Bucky, oblivious to what Steve was implying, glanced up and then back down at the news article he was reading on his phone. “Uh, just make whatever you want, Steve,” he said absently.

Shaking his head, Steve took a step forward and slipped his hands over Bucky’s face to get his attention. “No, Bucky. I mean, I don’t think you ate at all yesterday.”

“Yeah? It was New Year’s. I wasn’t really thinking about food,” Bucky defended with a shrug. “I’ll have some orange slices or toast. I don’t care what you make yourself.”

Steve searched Bucky’s eyes and could tell that he didn’t really understand what he was getting at here. Maybe it would just be better to be direct about it. “Why don’t you eat a lot, Buck?”

The sound of the heater clicking on filled the short silence as Bucky caught on to what this conversation as about. “I eat enough,” he said slowly. And it was sort of true. He didn’t eat so little that he had shriveled up yet, but it certainly wasn’t enough.

“I’m not so sure that you do, Bucky,” Steve protested as calmly and gently as he could.

“I eat when I need to. It’s fine.” He wasn’t upset or aggressive about this yet. He was so devil-may-care about the whole thing, it seemed.

Steve blinked and pulled a chair close in front of Bucky to sit down. “Why’d you eat more at home?” Steve had observed Bucky consuming more food in those days in Colorado than he had seen him eat in two months practically. 

“At home?” Bucky didn’t have any clue that he did that. He hadn’t been told there was a difference before. But, now, he was trying to catalogue what he had eaten in the past two days and it wasn’t amounting to much at all.

“When we were with your family, you ate more.”

“Okay. So, I eat more when my mom cooks.” And also, at restaurants and drive-thrus in Colorado. “I don’t really know what you want me to tell you. I just don’t eat that much.”

Steve was barely speaking when he whispered, “That’s a little worrying, Baby.” 

“Why?” Bucky gestured down at himself and added, “I’m healthy, I'm fine. I’m not horribly skinny or diseased or anything. I’m fine.” He had just always been this way. He didn’t eat that much food and he was small. He had been an underweight premature baby. That sort of trend just never went away as he grew up. 

“You can look healthy without being okay,” Steve said, playing doctor. “Do you get dizzy when you stand?” 

“No... no, I don’t,” Bucky said, arms now crossed to try to hide himself from Steve. He didn’t like the way he was assessing him like he thought he would collapse into nothing at any second.

Steve knew that move wasn’t good and he backed off. He could see the look in Bucky’s eye like he was pushing too hard. “Okay. Sorry,” he muttered and stood up to get started on some breakfast. He was only trying to get some information and try to help. He cared too much about Bucky not to try.

Bucky, to his credit, understood Steve’s motivation. “Sorry... sorry, Steve. I get it. You just want me to be healthy,” he sighed. “You talked to my dad, didn’t you? He harps on this all the time.”

“We didn’t really talk about it, but he mentioned it.” Steve and George both knew that Bucky wasn’t in a good place like this. And it was hard to know exactly how to make it better.

“He always thinks I’m going to disappear. But I’m almost twenty-eight and I haven’t been in the hospital once for malnutrition or anything.” The question was, would Bucky actually go to the hospital if he thought he was in trouble?

Steve sighed. Bucky was being stubborn – a trait they both clung to at different times. “I think he has a good reason to be concerned,” he pleaded.

“I’m still here.” Bucky placed his hands on Steve’s chest and stomach to show how real he was. He was right here with Steve and he would continue to be. There wasn’t anything wrong with him. He ate what he needed to live. 

“Yeah, I’m well acquainted,” Steve mumbled. He looked into Bucky’s eyes and felt his heart break with how much he wanted to take care of him. Not that Bucky inherently needed help, but Steve just knew he could do right by him and keep him safe.

“I promise, if I start to feel bad or unhealthy or sick, I will tell you. I promise to tell you.”

Steve pulled Bucky in close and nuzzled his face into his neck just to breathe him in. He kissed him and sighed, pulling back to look at him again. “Get a blood test?” he asked quietly. It was a shot in the dark but maybe Bucky would say yes. 

Bucky’s eyes went wide and he shook his head. Blood tests meant doctors and people stabbing him with needles. Needles themselves didn’t freak Bucky out, but the idea of having one very large needle going into his arm for a prolonged period of time to take his blood certainly freaked him the fuck out. He just didn’t do well with doctors or nurses, or medical shit in general. 

“I’ll go with you,” Steve added immediately. “I’ll hold your hand. It’ll be perfectly fine. I won’t let them hurt you or anything.”  _I’ll be the best boyfriend._

“I... I’m healthy, Steve,” Bucky tried again, leaning into Steve in as much of a gesture of caving in as he could manage right now. If Steve really wanted him to do this, he could do it for him. If only to prove that he was right. 

“If you’re healthy then a blood test will only back you up.”

“You’ll go with me?” Bucky asked, “Promise?”

“Promise,” Steve said firmly.

Bucky clenched and unclenched his jaw and sniffled. He wasn’t happy about this at all. “Fine...” But he was going to do it. His not-boyfriend was getting him to go to the doctor’s for the first time in his adult life – a feat which none of his real boyfriends ever could manage if they tried.

“Thank you,” Steve said and kissed his forehead.  _I love you._


	15. Chapter 15

The end of January came faster than either of them would have liked. They only had three weeks left now, and they both felt it in their core. With this, too, came an unexpected wrench in the works. Bucky had just found out that he had to go on a work trip over the weekend. And at this point, every uninterrupted weekend was valuable time that they couldn’t risk losing.  

Bucky was flopped on his bed, naked and angry. He looked over at Steve and delivered the bad news. “Hey, Johnson told me today that I have to go with DeMarco and Stella out of state this weekend.” 

Steve frowned but it took him a minute to really get what that meant. They were losing an entire weekend together. That drastically reduced the time left for them and that hit Steve like a ton of bricks. He tried to be cool about it. “Well, at least it’s only a weekend? Not longer?” He touched Bucky’s thigh and wished to anyone listening that Bucky didn’t have to go. 

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I guess. I just don’t see why I have to go? We have three other accountants. And he didn’t give me a heads-up either. Just.... ‘Barnes, you're going to Connecticut’.” 

“Maybe I’ll come here and keep Tatum company,” Steve said and wrapped himself around Bucky tightly. 

Bucky actually smiled a little because that was so cute and sweet. “Yeah. Yeah, thanks. I appreciate that,” he said. Steve spending the weekend in his home felt very domestic. “Watch his favorite movie with him, please.” 

“Clearly. If he didn’t get control of the remote, I think he would have lots of words for you about how awful of a babysitter I am.” Steve was proud of how far he and the cat had come. They could be in the same room together just so long as Steve didn’t try to interact with him. 

Rolling off the bed, Bucky pulled on Steve’s hand to get him to follow. “Come here, I’ll show you where his stuff is. He won’t probably need his food refilled until I’m back, but you might want to empty his litter box, if you don’t mind.” 

Steve was on him in an instant. He snaked his arms up his torso and molded against his back while he talked. “I can empty his litter.”  

Even that intimate sort of snuggle made Bucky want to go on about how this felt like a relationship and that they should live together and be together. Steve was just chilling with his hands all over him like he had just moved in and Bucky was giving him his orientation. “Please make sure to spray the raspberry litter spray after you do. He’s gotten used to it, and when the box doesn’t smell like raspberries, he gets confused.” 

“Okay. Raspberry. Got it.” Steve hooked his chin over Bucky’s shoulder. Maybe if he held him tight enough, then Bucky wouldn’t go on this trip. 

Bucky, trying his best not to pull apart from Steve, scooted them over to the living room. “Here’s my box of movies. You can watch these or use my Netflix. You know how to work my TV.” He pulled out a copy of the original  _Scream_. “This is Tatum’s favorite movie. That’s where his name comes from. He likes horror.” 

“So, you like horror and he likes horror. Must be a coincidence.” 

“We like the thrill. But he also likes Pixar, if horror doesn’t do it for you.” Bucky put the box back and then turned in Steve’s arms to face him. A glimpse of a serious expression slipped over his face but he wiped it away. “And I know you know the rules of my bed. But just to remind you, no shoes in my room, don’t eat in bed, be clean before you get under the covers.” Steve had obviously been in Bucky’s bed countless times before, but this time it felt more like  _their_  bed _._  

“I know. I’ll follow all the rules. Promise,” Steve said. He gave Bucky a once over and couldn’t believe how pretty he was. Steve felt so lucky. He just wanted to look at him all the time. He touched the ends of Bucky’s hair and smiled down at him. “Your hair is getting pretty long.” 

Bucky gave Steve a sympathetic little smile. He knew he was a lot to handle, and he had a lot of rules. But Steve always seemed more than willing to oblige him.  “I know you will. I trust you. I just needed to repeat them so I knew you were up to date. But I think that’s it.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to go. This sucks.” 

“Just one weekend,” Steve reminded him. “Just one.” 

“Yeah, but it’s a whole weekend.” Bucky didn’t say what he actually wanted to say. He didn’t say that they don’t have much time left. He didn’t say that he was going to miss him more than anything in the world.  

Steve’s confidence wavered and he had to face the fact that Bucky was really going to be gone for roughly three days. He didn’t want to deal with it. “It... I know. But it’ll be okay.” 

Bucky led them back to his bed and he pulled Steve down with him. They were still undressed and warm. He tangled his legs with Steve’s and stared into his eyes for what felt like the millionth time today alone. They laid there like that for a long time. Bucky was thinking about how this was ending soon, and how he didn’t want that to happen. Maybe he could do something about it. Maybe he could ask Steve if he wanted more time. 

“Hey...” Bucky started, nervous to ask him anything. “I want to ask something. I had an idea.” 

“Yeah?” Steve touched Bucky’s face gingerly and brushed his fingers through his princess hair. 

“Well, I’m going to be gone for this entire weekend. And we’ve been having so much fun together,” Bucky paused. He wanted to ask him to be his boyfriend for real this time. But he couldn’t be sure Steve would want that. And he didn’t want to risk these last couple weeks if Steve said no. “I just had the thought that maybe we could keep this up until the end of February... instead of before Valentine’s Day?” 

Steve blinked and pulled back a little. For a second there, he thought Bucky was going to ask for something else. But then Bucky said ‘end of February’ and his hopes were immediately crushed again. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Steve said in a heartbreakingly quiet whisper.  

Bucky so desperately wanted this to be a real thing. But he didn’t know how Steve would feel about that. So, the first option was to extend this a bit and see where it went. But Steve didn’t want that. Steve didn’t even want more time on the cuffing? Bucky cleared his throat and closed his eyes. “Uh... oh... can I ask why?” 

Steve took a chance and moved his hand to Bucky’s face again. He really didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, and he thought maybe touch would help. “I just... we’re not going to lose each other after this. We'll still be best friends.” There was a small question mark at the end that Steve hoped Bucky didn’t hear. 

“Okay,” Bucky said, confused because that didn’t really answer his question. “But, so, what’s that got to do with it not being a good idea to extend this?” 

“I just...”  _I love you too much to have this have an expiration date but I can’t explain that so?_  

Bucky got misty-eyed now. “I don’t understand.” Steve didn’t even want a few more weeks? He thought he was  _something_ to Steve, but was he wrong? “Okay, so, just early February then?” 

Steve couldn’t explain this without admitting to Bucky that he was breaking his heart. “Yeah. I think that’s for the best.” 

“Uh-huh.” Bucky rolled away from Steve and slid off the bed to go get dressed. He didn’t want to be naked right now – he felt too exposed and vulnerable. “Um, okay, well...”  _Just say what you’re thinking in that dumb brain, Barnes._  

“Bucky... I didn’t...” Steve tried to back out of this. He hated that Bucky got up and walked away from him like that.  _Fuck, oh, no. Use your words._  

“Should... should we even, like, keep this up for the last few weeks?” Bucky’s stance was small as he stood across the room. He felt pathetic and was pretty sure he looked it too. He crossed his arms and tried to make it clear he was seriously asking. Because if Steve didn’t want to be with him anymore then why make him wait it out? 

“Yes?” Steve shook his head. “I want this.” Too bad his words so far hadn’t been very indicative that that was true. 

“Okay, but you don’t want to spend any extra time with me,” Bucky said, actually having to wipe his eyes of tears. “I don’t want to make you be around me more than you want to.” 

Steve sighed. He wasn’t sure what to do to make this better. “It’s not like that, Bucky.”  _Do you even want a husband? I thought you just wanted a baby and maybe a husband or something? So, what would be the point?_  

Bucky breathed a little heavier as he got more worked up. He just wanted to be with Steve. But that wasn’t going to happen. That’s not what Steve wanted. So, what now? “I... I just... I’ve loved these months with you. You’re my best friend. And you’re the most important person in my life here in New York and I Just...” 

“Bucky, we’ll still be close.” Steve sat on the edge of the bed but didn’t dare try to touch Bucky yet. 

“Will we?” Bucky asked softly.  _Because you’re all the way across the room and you’re not right here holding me, and I just want to hold you too and I can’t handle it._ “Was this important to you like it was to me?” 

“Bucky, how can you possibly think that it wasn’t important to me? Why do you have to ask?” Steve had opened up to Bucky like no other person before. He had talked to him about his parents and his loss and his sexuality. He had been intimate with him countless times and spend late nights awake just watching him sleep. 

Bucky stood there thinking for way too long. He looked from Steve to the ceiling and back a few times to keep his tears in his eyes. He was angry with himself now. He shouldn’t have started an argument about this at all. And Steve did have a good point. This had always been planned to be mid-November to early February. He shouldn’t go trying to change things up now. “Sorry. No, sorry. You’re right. We said the week before Valentine’s Day and we made a plan. I shouldn’t be trying to change the plan. I’m really sorry. You’re right, Steve...” He took a few steps toward him and stopped just before he could touch Steve. He decided then that he needed to savor every minute with Steve until this was done – not fight for more time. 

Steve looked up at Bucky and wondered if he should reach out and hold him. Steve was mostly confused, and he didn’t want to scare off this incredible princess by saying he wanted him forever. That wasn’t what Bucky was offering. “It’s okay, Bucky. It isn’t like you did anything wrong.” 

“No. I shouldn’t have even asked. We had a lot of fun together, but we need to stick to our plan, and then go back to just being good friends. You know?” Bucky said, giving in a little in hopes that they could get back to normal for now. “I just really liked having someone to be with all the time. I haven't felt so seen and heard and important for years.”  

Steve’s lower lip wobbled slightly. His baby was sad now, and he had no idea how to fix it. But he knew he couldn’t just extend this a few weeks, because then that would make him sad and that wasn’t fair either. “Hey, I’ll always be in your life, okay? You’re stuck with me, Barnes.” 

“Promise?” Yet another thing Bucky was asking Steve to promise, even though he wasn’t going to be around in the near future.  

“Promise,” Steve said. But he took it too fucking far when he added, “See? When you finally have your kiddo, I’ll be their favorite babysitter.” 

That sent a sharp pang through Bucky’s heart. Because he wasn’t sure he wanted a baby. But if he did, he wanted it to be  _their_ baby. “I said maybe about a kid. I’m still undecided. I’m coming around on the idea of a husband, though.”  _You, please._  

They were decidedly not on the same page here. Steve figured Bucky was going to start looking for somebody soon. And that killed him. “You’re going to need a best man, right?” 

Bucky wanted to scream that that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Why would he want a best man who he had fucked a million times and he was in love with? That made no sense. He just repeated himself, “I haven’t decided about the husband, yet. I’m still trying to work out whether I think I could handle that or not.” 

“Whatever you decide, I’ll still be here. I’ll still be your best friend.” Steve wondered if Bucky’s future husband would be chill with him taking a nap with his head in Bucky’s lap. But he realized that was a stupid question because once Bucky was with someone else, there would be a whole lot less Steve and Bucky time.  

“Let’s forget it for now. Let’s forget I even said anything to begin with,” Bucky said and held his hand out for Steve in case he wanted to touch him right now. Steve was still naked while Bucky was wearing panties and a soft pajama shirt.  

Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand and pulled him close. He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s hips and pressed his head against stomach. He listened to the sound of him breathing. He loved this man. He loved being with him. He loved holding him close. He kissed Bucky’s stomach a couple times and sighed. Steve would stay just like this for all eternity, if he could. He was afraid of shattering the silence and taking them out of this moment.  

Bucky stayed standing with his hand on Steve’s head for several slow minutes. If he stayed like this then maybe Steve would stay too. But he started to get tired and he pulled back just a little so he could get into Steve’s lap. “You’re so warm,” he said and nuzzled into Steve’s neck. 

Steve gave a smile small. This felt more like them – normal. “Yeah, Sweetheart,” he whispered and ran his hands down Bucky’s back.  

“You know, every night you aren't here, I have to use all my blankets so I don’t freeze.” Steve was Bucky’s furnace. How would he sleep once he was gone? 

“Hey, I’ve got you,” Steve assured him. At least, he had him for now.  

Bucky kissed over Steve’s neck and collarbone. “You smell nice.”  

“I smell like you,” Steve pointed out. He had been spending most of his time over at Bucky’s place the last several weeks. And he had taken to showering there more than in his own apartment. He used Bucky’s body wash and shampoo, and slept in the same bed as him. It was no wonder he had picked up his scent so fast. 

Although it seemed fairly obvious, Bucky hadn’t ever considered that. He sniffed Steve again and sat back. “Oh... you’re right.”  _That’s why he smells so nice. Because it’s like me – like us – the two of us together._  

“I’m pretty sure even my bed smells like you, and I'm definitely over here more than you’re at my place.” Steve very much liked that. Bucky’s apartment felt like home. Steve liked his own apartment, but Bucky’s place was just better. That was where Bucky was, after all. Steve kissed his forehead and then his lips gingerly. It was quiet and warm and he felt them sinking into each other and molding together. They were meant to be this way. He knew it. But he didn’t think Bucky knew it.  

A bubbly giggle cut through Steve’s imagination and he smiled as Bucky defended himself saying, “Are you calling me smelly, Rogers?” 

“I was going more for fragrant, but smelly works,” Steve joked back. 

Trailing his hands down, he held Steve’s hips for a few moments before going for his own shirt that he had literally put back on just a few minutes ago. But now he wanted to be naked again. He wanted to be pliable for Steve, and open to whatever he wanted to do. “It’s probably just the product that goes in my hair.” 

“It’s partially your hair. Your skin smells good too.”  _What a weird way to say that, Rogers._ But he wasn’t about to complain about Bucky stripping off his shirt and showing more skin again. Maybe Bucky was feeling better now after their argument. Was it an argument? Steve wasn’t entirely sure. 

Bucky was being very submissive in a way that he wasn’t normally. He just wanted to give himself over to Steve. He wanted Steve to have control. He wanted Steve to see him like this. Maybe it would help. Maybe somehow acting this way would be just the thing they needed for Steve to want to keep this up. Bucky felt like he needed to humble himself to him. Even if that wasn’t really logical and he knew Steve wasn’t asking for that either. 

This also meant he was going to humble himself not only physically, but personally too. “You know,” he started, choosing to talk about his early high school years, which he never liked to share about. If he did, it would help Steve to understand him more and feel like he knew Bucky better. He just didn’t know him enough to feel comfortable actually dating him. Right? That had to be it. “When I was in ninth grade, before I started to let my hair grow out, I had this short spiky nonsense. And I used to use gel to slick it straight up. And it smelled terrible until it dried. Then once it was dry, my hair was plastered into place until it got wet. Rainy days proved to be counterproductive.” 

Steve didn’t say anything. He just ran his fingers through Bucky’s soft princess hair and sighed. He was having a hard time imagining Bucky with spiky hair. He also wasn’t sure why he was bringing this up. It was like Bucky’s drunk confessions, but they were both entirely sober. And this was less a confession as it was sharing something Bucky felt embarrassed about.  

Even if he wanted to add something, Steve didn’t really have the chance as Bucky kept going. “You know I used to date girls?” he asked and shook his head. “Until junior year, I dated girls. And it never worked out. And I had a new girlfriend every week. Everyone thought I was some, like, bad-boy heartbreaker, but it wasn’t like that, obviously.” Bucky hated being associated with the idea that he was a straight player. “Never even kissed any of them...” 

Steve cocked his head to the side, still uncertain why Bucky was doing this. He remembered clear as day how uncomfortable and upset Bucky had been when Winifred was showing him old pictures. So, why was Bucky deliberately choosing topics that he would have otherwise hoped to take to his grave? “Hey... you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, okay?” Steve informed him and squeezed his thighs reassuringly. He didn’t want Bucky pushing himself for his sake – whatever his reasoning may have been. 

Bucky chewed his lip absently. If he stopped talking now, then Steve would definitely know he was trying to reveal sensitive things to endear himself to him.  _Like, I'm not perfect as you thought I was. I’m human. And I'm showing that I trust you with all this shit._  That was really what was important here. Steve needed to see that Bucky really trusted him ,  and  t h at h e loved him enough to share the years of his life that he wished he could forget. “It’s... it’s okay. It was just on my mind.”  _No, it wasn’t, Liar._ “After a while, I struck up a relationship with a lesbian because we were both scared. But then she found a girlfriend who was so confident and unapologetic about herself. She had this long talk with us about how we are allowed to be who we are, and then I stopped all of that shit. Really, I have Carla to thank for learning to be myself.” 

So far, every moment of knowing Bucky, Steve had just assumed he was naturally confident and proud of himself. Even when he saw pictures of Bucky with short hair and wearing football jerseys. He just thought that the confidence was still working its way out of him. It hadn’t occurred to him that he had to learn to be himself – that he needed a push in the right direction. It just always seemed like it was in his blood to be this way.  

But Bucky needed help with coming into his own just like Steve did. What if Bucky never had that push? Would he still be pretending to be interested in sports and possibly married to a nice woman? Would he have a house out in the suburbs with his kids and have neighbors all around him with the same nuclear family? Would he stare too long at the husbands and then feel terrible about himself?  

Bucky really was human. Steve needed the reminder every now and again. He wasn’t some unattainable angelic creature. He was a regular guy who needed help just like everyone else. He was a normal person who understood self-doubt. And, to Steve, it was one thing to be in love with an untouchable angel, but it was another more incredible thing to have fallen in love with someone fallible just like him.  

“Thank you for telling me, Bucky,” Steve said quietly and genuinely. He understood now. Bucky didn’t want to be an angel – not really. He wanted to be seen as the person he was and the person he worked so hard to allow himself to be. That’s what he was proud of. 

Bucky nodded, scooting forward in Steve’s lap to be closer to him. “She had really great hair,” he murmured. Carla may or may not have been Bucky’s hair inspiration. It was always styled perfectly and it was so shiny and lustrous. Bucky spent a lot of time wishing his hair could look like hers.  

Steve chuckled and pulled Bucky in tighter. “Oh, I see. She influenced you in more ways than one.” He thought that was pretty adorable. He slipped his hands back into Bucky’s hair and brought him in for a long, slow, careful kiss. He didn’t know how else to tell him he was proud of how far he had come. If he opened his mouth and started talking about it, he was sure to accidentally spill his love for him too.  

Bucky shut up now because there were kisses again. He rubbed his hands down Steve’s chest, careful not to leave any inch of him out. He was more aware now how much Steve really did smell like him – or them. It was extremely comforting. 

They kept up their gentle make-out session. It wasn’t heated or desperate. It was just close and loving. Bucky gave over all his power to Steve and molded into Steve’s arms to be better connected. He felt too many things at once – love, frustration, sadness, desperation, worry. He tried his best to keep his tears in his eyes as they kissed and felt along each other’s body. 

Eventually, Bucky fell asleep curled up in Steve’s lap with his head rested on his shoulder. He was so warm and comfortable, and he always slept better with Steve around. It was the perfect combination for a good rest. And after his internal turmoil and their semi-argument, he was pretty tired. 

Steve held Bucky for a while. He pet his hand down his back and rocked them just slightly. Without really thinking about why, he started to tear up too. He didn’t even notice until he felt a stream of wet rush down his cheek and fall onto Bucky’s hair. It was following by several more until there was a small, dark, wet patch near the ends. Steve cried harder then, but tried to school that away so it wouldn’t wake Bucky up.  

Bucky was fast asleep and probably wouldn’t have woken unless he was dropped off the bed. But his dreams were unsettled. He was thinking only of Steve. But he couldn’t get to Steve. Steve couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t see him. He couldn’t touch him. Steve was within reach but miles away.  

Steve heard Bucky mumble something indecipherable as he shifted in his arms. He sniffled back his tears and checked the time. It was a little early, but they were both sleepy. So, he rolled Bucky gingerly onto the bed and yanked the covers over him. Steve just watched him for a few moments – sitting next to him and seeing his chest rise and fall as he breathed. Something about seeing Bucky sleep made him want to protect him and cover him with his body and keep a hold on him for as long as possible. He crawled into bed and slipped behind him so he could wrap his arms around him securely. If they only had so many nights left, he wasn’t going to let any go by being farther apart than this. 

- 

“Steve, wake up. I made eggs. Come on.” Bucky hadn’t just made eggs. He made a real breakfast of omelets, bacon, and toast. He also made a plate for himself. He was going to try to eat as much food this morning as he could.  

The smell of food hit Steve as he blinked awake and took in a deep breath. Bucky was standing over him with a little smile. Steve couldn’t think of anything more beautiful to wake up to. “Good morning, Bucky.” He wanted to call him ‘sweetheart’, but he was having reservations after their discussion the day before about this ending soon. He sat up and stuck his hand out for Bucky to take. 

“Good morning, Baby.” Bucky had no such issues using pet names still. In fact, he unconsciously felt the need to use them more right now – before he couldn’t. Bucky took Steve’s hand firmly in his and lead him out to the kitchen. He was strangely excited. Steve was going to see that he made real food - and lots of it - and plenty for himself too. Steve was going to see that he was trying. For him. 

Two plates full of food stared Steve down and his heart sank just a little. He was immediately concerned. Bucky never ate much. There was no way in hell he was getting through that entire plate. And Steve had the feeling this was just for him, not because Bucky was doing it for himself. This was in response to Steve’s concern about his health. But this seemed extreme. “Just... don’t make yourself sick, okay? Bucky? You don’t have to eat all of it,” he said, eyes locked to Bucky’s and trying to convey that he was grateful he wanted to try eating more but he didn’t want him getting ill over it. 

“I’m gonna eat,” Bucky said sternly, his face showing steely determination. He sat down at the table and picked up his fork as he waited for Steve to sit too. He was going to eat more food. Steve wanted it. His dad wanted it. Maybe it would help.  

There was heavy apprehension in Steve’s voice as he asked, “Take it slow for me?”  _Baby, you are not used to eating... like, at all._  

“Yeah, sure. I’ll take it slow,” Bucky conceded and gestured towards the fridge. “Juice, Steve?” 

Steve had to clear his throat of the sad lump taking over. “Y-yeah, apple?” He was upset both about Bucky being so serious about eating, and the fact that this was going to be one of the last handful of breakfasts they would have together. 

“You’re branching out. You’ve had orange or cranberry the most,” Bucky said. He handed Steve the last of the apple juice and wrote it on his grocery list to get more.  

“Trying new things,” Steve muttered, trying to sound joking but more coming out sad.  

“If you want to try new things, you should combine all the kinds of juice in one cup. I’m going to save you the trouble now, though, it’s too much,” Bucky joked back and cut off a small bite of his omelet. He raised it to his mouth and bit of the quarter-sized portion. He smiled up at Steve after he swallowed and then went to cut another bite.  

Steve watched him in pure silence. He wanted to repeat to Bucky that he didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to show off. Was he showing off? Was that what it was? Steve didn’t get the motivation here. He just knew Bucky was doing it and he didn’t have to be. 

Bucky was trying to prove he could be better for Steve. He could do things better for him – be healthier for him. He wanted Steve to see that. He wasn’t thinking that Steve wasn’t asking him to do this. He already decided for himself that Steve wanted to see him getting better for him.  

Bucky took another bite of his omelet and then one of his toast. This was already more than he ate on an average day. He had gotten through about half of his omelet and his body was starting to protest angrily. He went for another bite of his toast, too stubborn to give up yet. But his stomach was hurting and his mouth wanted to throw up and his eyes wanted to cry. He set the toast back down and shook his head. He couldn’t.  

“Hey...” Steve whispered. He had been watching Bucky eat with some horror because the entire ordeal felt so forced to Steve. And he didn’t want Bucky to ever feel forced to eat – by him or himself or anybody. He did want Bucky to try to eat a little more, but definitely not try to go from zero to sixty in one meal. “Come here.” He scooted his chair back and held out his arms for Bucky. 

The air stayed quiet for a second or two as Bucky slumped back and sighed. He didn’t look at Steve. He just frowned and internally punished himself for not getting through it. After a moment, he pulled himself off his seat and quickly fell into Steve’s lap. “I’m sorry. I tried...” 

Wrapping his arms around him immediately, Steve adjusted Bucky so he was able to look at his face. “It’s okay, Bucky.”  _You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do._ “You’re okay. You don’t have to eat any more.” 

“I just thought...”  _Maybe I could get you to stay longer if I ate more food and got healthier like you asked._  “I’m really sorry. I tried.” 

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Sweetheart, okay?” Steve said and kissed his cheek and his forehead.  

Now he was worried that Bucky wouldn’t be properly taken care of. Steve didn’t necessarily think he was the best at caring for Bucky. But what if the next guy wasn’t as understanding? What if he wasn’t good at looking for signs of Bucky being sick? What if he actually did pressure Bucky to eat a lot? Or what if he discouraged him from learning to eat a little more because he didn’t want Bucky to be healthier? Who would be as good for him or as ready to help as Steve was? Steve was still planning on going to the doctor with him. He was still planning on helping Bucky get information on how to get himself started on a more balanced diet. He wanted to help him. He wanted to put his concern to good use and get him checked out periodically. Would Bucky’s future boyfriend keep it up after Steve was gone? 

Bucky sniffled and nuzzled Steve with his head on his shoulder again. “Okay... sorry...” he choked on a little grumpy sob and added, “It’s not on purpose, you know? It’s not like I'm trying not to eat a lot. I just can’t do it. It’s too much.” He wasn’t ever trying to be an unhealthy eater. He wasn’t doing this to stay skinny or something. It was just how it was for him. And he didn’t know why it was.  

It dawned on Steve that maybe this change in desire to eat more was correlated with what they had discussed the night before. Bucky had been going out of his way to tell Steve things from an uncomfortable time in his life. Maybe this was another way of doing something uncomfortable. However, the goal in it was still unclear. “Yeah. I know. I know you don’t mean it. But I don’t think it’s good for you to force yourself either.” 

“I... okay...” Bucky took several slow, deep, calming breaths until he didn’t feel like crying anymore. He looked at his plate and then back at Steve. “I ate a lot of that omelet and a bite of toast.” His stomach still hurt but he was at least proud he tried. 

“I know...” Steve didn’t know what to think. He would be proud if Bucky had eaten what he wanted and then maybe taken one more bite to start off. He wasn’t sure he should be proud of Bucky forcing food down and getting himself upset.  

“Do you want the rest of my food? It’s going to go to waste if you don’t. I might give Tatum a little bit of bacon.” 

Steve nodded and pulled the plate over to deposit the rest of Bucky’s food onto his own unfinished meal. He knew he could eat it all. He was pretty hungry this morning. “Don’t worry. It won’t be a waste,” he said and held one arm around Bucky so he was secure while he kept eating. 

Bucky pulled his mind away from food and focused instead on Steve’s handsome face. He brushed his fingers over his jaw and his temple. He loved that face. He loved Steve. He would love to be with Steve permanently. He might even want to marry Steve. He might want to have a family with Steve. 

If they did have a baby, would that baby eat? Or would it take after Bucky and have a hard time with food and upset stomach problems too? Maybe Steve would have to make only a little food for them all, and they would worry all the time that their child wasn’t eating. Or maybe it would be a ravenous baby and they would make tons of food for a hungry, growing, healthy kiddo. 

And how they would have a baby? Would they adopt or would they go through a surrogate? If they did surrogacy, Bucky would want the baby to be Steve’s. He wanted to see that soft blonde hair and the bluest eyes and that same grumpy scrunch in their eyebrows just like him. Just the sweetest, serious baby with a precious button nose who would look more and more like Steve as every year went on. 

Or would Steve fight him on it? Maybe Steve would argue that he wanted Bucky to be the biological father. He would tell Bucky that he wanted to see a little mini-Bucky with long dark hair and soft, happy eyes. Maybe the baby would look a lot like Maxime and they could have fun together as matching cousins with big Barnes laughs and mischievous grins. 

Maybe the argument would get really heated. And Bucky would be listing off all the reasons why the baby should be Steve’s and how cute that would be. And he would cite his own questionable health as a reason for the baby to not be his. And Steve would argue back and ask, ‘Why me? Have you seen yourself, Bucky?’ because he knows that another Barnes child would be adorable. 

Eventually, they would have to settle down and work it out. Maybe they would decide that the first kid will be Steve’s and the next will be Bucky’s. After all, Bucky won the coin toss so, Steve goes first. And they could have a little blonde kid with Steve’s looks and Bucky’s zest for life and love. And then a small brunette kid with Bucky’s gentle eyes and Steve’s sense of loyalty and selflessness.  

But, really, Bucky didn’t care at all what their children looked like. He just wanted a family with Steve – however they got it. He wasn’t picky. 

Steve sneezed and Bucky dropped out of his daydream faster than a ceramic mug tumbling out of the cabinet. He looked over Steve’s face again and smiled just for a moment. He wanted Steve. He wanted that family. But it wasn’t likely he would get it.  

“Bless you,” he said and tucked his head back so he couldn’t see Steve anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15 art is posted in [chapter 20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673206/chapters/41837543).


	16. Chapter 16

Bucky’s weekend work trip went about as expected. He didn’t have much fun and his co-workers talked about boring shit the whole time. He spent most of his free moments sending Steve little texts and selfies – despite having to wear his work attire. And Steve would send messages back and pictures of Tatum standing all the way across the room from him.

They didn’t have any time to really talk besides their nuggets of texts or Bucky complaining about the hotel shampoo. Bucky would have liked to call and talk to Steve but he was never alone except when he was headed to sleep. And he was so tired both nights that he didn’t get a chance.

Bucky felt like he hadn’t actually had a real conversation with Steve in ages. But it was more like seventy-two hours. He was looking forward to seeing him at work Monday, but Steve had been whisked away to give his input on a project before Bucky could even say hello.

But he didn’t need to talk to Steve to find out the latest news about him, apparently. He was taking a drink break with the quality assurance team who were giving him the office gossip that he missed. A lot had happened on Friday. Stewart told Marjorie that he was getting a divorce. Anita announced that she was pregnant – twins, in fact. Oh, and Steve gave his two-weeks-notice.

The air in the office suddenly felt too thick and grimy to be breathable. The walls seemed too close. Everything was in the way so Bucky stumbled over every desk in his path to get back to his own. Nothing felt real. Sound was quieter. Bucky couldn’t read a word on the memos in front of him. He felt really tiny and too big in his swivel chair all at once.

Steve was leaving? That had to be a lie. No way. He wouldn’t just leave without saying anything to him. And he had promised they would still be friends. How would they do that if Steve wasn’t around him every day? No, this wasn’t true. Steve wasn’t leaving.

When lunch rolled around, Bucky yanked Steve away from everyone else and asked hurriedly, “Is it true?” He looked up at Steve and it seemed like he was ten feet taller than normal. Bucky couldn’t reach him. It was awful.

Steve, who had told their boss in private and didn’t know that it had gotten out yet, was very confused. “Is what true?” he asked, mouth open and looking like a dumb fish trying to solve a math equation.

“You quit.” It wasn’t a question. Bucky knew now that it was true. Just looking in Steve’s eyes, he knew. He didn’t even have to hear Steve’s answer.

Steve was quiet as he mumbled back, “Yeah. I, uh, I’m leaving.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down. He, too, felt smaller than usual. He felt pathetic, really.

“Why?” Bucky was so automatically harsh and sharp. Why would Steve leave? “Where are you going? What’s the new job?”

“I have a few interviews,” Steve said with a small nod. He didn’t have a job yet but he was still going.

Bucky shook his head in disbelief. “You have a few interviews...” he repeated solemnly. “But you have a job.” And it’s here. With me. And you sit in my eye line. And we’re around each other.

“I’ve never...” Steve started but didn’t know how to proceed. Bucky was so confused and mad. Steve hated being the cause of that. But he just hated this job. Bucky knew that too. He hadn’t really tried anything else. He needed to get out of this before it drove him crazy. “Maybe it’s time for a change.” I’m going to lose you, too, so...

Bucky, who had been working there for much longer than Steve and just hadn’t had the guts to quit, understood that take on it. That was a valid point. Change could be good. And this wasn’t anyone’s favorite job by any means. He sighed and willed himself to calm down. Steve might do a lot better in a different job. He needed to support that. “I... okay. I just wish you would have said something to me.”

Steve nodded and reached out to hold Bucky’s hand for a long moment. He never touched him at work. He hardly touched him in public at all. But never at work. “I’m sorry.” He really was. He hadn’t meant for it to get out before he could talk to Bucky first.

Bucky looked down at Steve’s hand and he pulled it up to his lips to kiss. He was amazed Steve would touch him right now. But he wanted to touch him more. “What am I going to do here without you?” They weren’t in immediate view of anyone else so he kept Steve’s hand and just held it tight between them. “When did you decide this? When I was headed for Connecticut?”

“We’ll see each other outside of work.” That was the best Steve could offer him right now. “I... yeah, just after you left in the morning.” The thought had been lingering for a few weeks but the moment Bucky was gone, he made the final decision.

“I just hate that I found out about this from the chatty quality assurance guys.”

“If it matters, I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Well, people talk around here,” Bucky said and gave him a pointed look like he should know that by now. “I just would have liked to have known.” He really had to hold himself back from kissing Steve right now. He wanted to pull him in for a hug and just hold him for hours. “When’s your last day?”

“Twelve days left.” Steve saw that look in Bucky’s eyes and he knew what he wanted. He glanced over at the breakroom door to make sure no one was peeking out, then he popped a rushed, little kiss to Bucky’s lips. It was fast, but he hoped it conveyed his apology for this.

Even though it was over as soon as it started, Bucky’s eyes still fluttered shut and he stayed like that even after Steve’s lips were long gone. “Twelve days,” he repeated. That was two days before they were supposed to be done cuffing.

Steve, still holding Bucky’s hand, nodded and reached out to rub his free hand down Bucky’s arm. This whole thing – this relationship, whatever it was – was going to be over in twelve to fourteen days. That wasn’t near enough time to collect memories of Bucky to fill the rest of his life.

“Storage closet. Come on,” Bucky said quickly and hastily pulled Steve with him. He needed a few peaceful, personal moments alone with Steve. It was still lunch and no one would wonder where they were. Plenty of people left the building for lunch, after all. The door didn’t lock, but Bucky shoved a folding chair up under the handle. He didn’t anticipate anyone trying to come in, but now they would have a warning if they did.

Bucky turned back to Steve and put his hands on him right away. He pushed him gently against the wall and pressed his body to Steve’s in the small space. He kissed his jaw and his neck and slipped two cold fingers into Steve’s collar.

“I’ll always be here for you, you know. Even if we don’t get to see each other every day. Just call me. Or text me. And I’ll get to you,” Steve said, trying to convince them both that this wasn’t truly the beginning of the end.

Careful hands moved down Steve’s body and ghosted lightly over his crotch. Bucky understood that they might still be around each other sometimes. But he wasn’t going to get to be intimate with Steve anymore so he needed every moment right now. “I’ll text you. I’ll call you,” Bucky agreed. He slowly unbuckled Steve’s belt and unzipped his pants, keeping eye contact while he did. “Is this okay? Can I keep going?” he asked and tucked his hand between his slacks and underwear.

Steve’s hands were on Bucky now too and he gripped his arm for a moment to stall him as he thought. He wasn’t sure if they should be doing this at work. But he didn't really want to stop him either. “Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“Steve, literally the only thing I'm thinking about right now is having that thick cock of yours down my throat,” Bucky admitted and slinked down Steve’s body to settle on his knees. “Is that okay?” he asked again.

Steve nodded furiously. Bucky on his knees for him was so fucking hot. And he didn’t care that they were at work. Actually, that made it a little hotter, if he was being honest. “Yeah. Please. I need you.” Do it, Baby.

Bucky pulled Steve’s dick out gently and whined because he always forgot just how thick and long Steve was. He loved it. He was going to miss it. “You’re so... just such a perfect body all over. Not that that’s the only important thing but... you get me,” Bucky mumbled. He started slowly as he gripped the base of Steve’s cock and licked smoothly at the slit.

Steve’s hand went to Bucky’s hair, but he was careful not to touch too much. They were at work and he didn’t want to mess it up. Someone would probably notice. He was going to thank Bucky for the compliment but then Bucky was swallowing him all the way quickly, and Steve’s words were caught in his throat. He squeaked a little groan then mashed his hand over his mouth to keep himself quiet.

Bucky was right there with him. He was bobbing his head and giving it his all for several minutes. Deep-throating was less a task than it was a sport for Bucky after all these years. He tucked his hands into Steve’s shirt for stability and his knuckles went white with his tight grip. This was day one in Bucky’s new goal to suck Steve dry on each one of their remaining days.

Steve was grateful that they had a fairly lengthy lunch break so this wasn’t too rushed. But he did feel like he was on the verge of coming much quicker than normal. “Bucky, I-” he warned and made eye contact with him so he would understand this wasn’t going to last much longer.

With Steve’s cock still in his throat, Bucky nodded once and blinked up at him to signal that he was ready for him to come. It was a lot like the first time they did this – with Bucky on his knees, showing Steve what he’s got. He fluttered his eyelashes and cupped Steve’s balls in his soft yet firm hand.

That was about all Steve needed to push him over the edge. His eyes slammed shut and his head smacked back on the wall. His cock shot come valiantly down Bucky’s throat and Bucky swallowed it all like he always did. It was hot and delicious and gave Bucky such a sense of accomplishment. He waited a few moments after Steve finished before he pulled off of him. Then he rose back up on slightly shaky legs and pulled Steve in for a passionate and probably too harsh kiss.

Steve collected Bucky into his arms and pushed into the kiss too. He felt the overwhelming need to slam Bucky against the wall or the ground and eat him out until he was bursting come over his stomach with a loud shout. He blushed pink when he remembered they were at work and he couldn’t do that to Bucky here. Maybe later.

Bucky skillfully tucked Steve back into his pants and zipped him up. He even buckled his belt without looking down. “How do you feel?”

“I...” Steve shook his head. There were no words. He felt like he needed another kiss so he yanked Bucky back to him and mashed their lips together again. He loved him.

Blowing Steve had turned Bucky on too and he was trying to ignore his own hard cock. Being so tightly pressed to Steve’s body wasn’t helping. He pushed his hands on Steve’s chest ever so slightly to hold him back. “Sorry, I need a minute.”

Steve looked down and noticed the pull of Bucky’s pants around his crotch that wasn’t normally so tight. “Oh! Do you want me to take care of you?” Although, he falls asleep every time he comes and we are at work so, maybe not.

“No, no. We don’t have time.” Bucky gestured to the clock. They only had about five minutes left for lunch. “I just need a second for it to go down.”

“Tonight. I'll make it up to you tonight,” Steve promised and took a step away from Bucky so he could cool down.

“Okay. Yeah. Tonight,” Bucky agreed. He thought it was good sign Steve was planning for later. That was pretty normal. Right? “You should go back to work. I still need a second. We will pick this up again later.”

Steve nodded and touched Bucky’s lips with his fingers softly. He turned and pulled the chair out from under the door handle and then headed back to his desk. This was definitely the first time he had ever done anything like this in public. It was pretty exciting, he had to admit. And nobody could have gotten him to do something like that except for Bucky.


	17. Chapter 17

Steve didn’t want to wake up. It was their last morning together and his sleeping brain was aware of that fact. Maybe if he just stayed asleep then this wouldn’t have to end. Bucky, however, was wide awake. He had been awake for the better part of the morning. He hadn’t left the bed, though. He stayed pressed to Steve and tangled in his body. He even had to pee for a long time but he didn’t want to be away from Steve for two seconds. There were several spots on the wall that Bucky was finding great interest in staring at. A small crack in the paint served as a good distraction from the heavy stone in his gut that this was hours from being over.

After a while, Steve couldn’t stay asleep any longer. He blinked awake and focused on Bucky next to him.  _ Oh, it’s now. It’s right now. This is the last morning. _  He didn’t say anything, unable to find the words that were worthy enough to break this somber silence.

Bucky did it for him. “Morning...” he mumbled grumpily. 

“Morning, Princess,” Steve muttered back and tried his best to smile at him.

Bucky choked off a noise that was definitely not him s tifling  a gasp so the well of tears could come free. He refused to cry. At least not yet. “Last night was nice,” he whispered, hoping that small talk about their super meaningful, passionate, slow, deep love-making was a good idea.

“Yeah, Bucky. It was nice. It was good. Being with you is always good,” Steve agreed. He reached out like he was going to touch Bucky’s face but then he rested his hand on his chest instead.

“Is this killing you as much as it’s killing me?” Bucky finally allowed himself to ask.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. It’s a lot,” he admitted. He honestly didn’t think that they would get here after he cautiously grabbed Bucky’s hand in that deli back in November. But then he fell in love hard and they ate up their time together too fast. 

“This has been... the most...  _ beautiful  _ thing to ever happen to me,” Bucky said, eyes watering up again. “You’re my best friend. You’re the best thing in my life. These past months have meant more to me than...” He choked on a sob and buried his face in his pillow for a moment. This was harder than he thought it was going to be, and he was already dreading it.

Seeing Bucky get upset just made Steve upset too. He wiped his own eyes and wiggled closer to Bucky. “I'm so glad that you chose me - that you wanted this with me - that I got to know you.” 

“I’ve loved every second.” Bucky wasn’t thinking about Steve being with someone else soon. He wasn’t thinking about Steve fucking someone else. He wasn’t thinking about him kissing someone else and cuddling together and sharing stories. At least, he was trying his best not to think about all that.

Steve closed his eyes and took a moment. This was over. He was losing Bucky forever. He almost couldn’t bear to open his eyes again and see Bucky looking back at him. It hurt too much. “I've never been close with someone like this.”

Bucky, having a moment of no forethought, said, “I don’t think anyone is going to ever care about me the way you do. I don’t think anyone else is ever going to understand who I am.” No one was going to get why he was the way he was. No one was going to love his vibe or call him a princess. 

“You still have me, Bucky. You don’t have to replace me because I'll still be here. Just not like this exactly.” Steve didn’t know if that was helping or not. It certainly didn’t make himself feel any better.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore. I get it,” Bucky urged and gripped Steve’s neck with a cold hand. He didn’t want to think about this move back into friendship without intimacy. “No one else has ever called me a princess and meant it as a good thing.”

Steve brought Bucky’s hand up to his lips and kissed it delicately. “Everything about you is a good thing.” 

“I’m really going to miss sleeping together. And I don’t mean just sex. I mean... falling asleep together. You’re so warm and you’re strong and I like being held by you. You keep my sprawling down but not in a way that makes me feel suffocated.”

That tugged a pleased smile out of Steve and he thought back to one particular night when Bucky couldn’t be contained. He woke up with Bucky’s arms up his shirt and their legs tangled together. It was an adorable sleeping habit that Steve would sorely miss. He wasn’t sure he could get used to sleeping without trying to wrangle Bucky’s body first. 

Steve also thought about all the things Bucky could have mocked him for but he didn’t - like getting his body waxed or having some hang-ups about bottoming at first. Bucky was just understanding and calm where others hadn’t always been. “You’re so kind-hearted and accepting. And you’ve really taught me a lot of things about myself. I think you taught me how to be brave.”

“You taught me how to trust,” Bucky responded immediately, without any doubt. He knew that one already. He had learned that with Steve. Steve was loyal and honest and dependable like that. 

They laid there in silence for a few more minutes. Steve played with Bucky’s hair and Bucky pet his thumb over Steve’s cheek. It was a desperate attempt to cling to the final shreds of  _ them _ .

Bucky had a question on his mind for a while. He didn’t know if he wanted to know the answer or not. But he was entirely too curious. “What... are you going to do on Valentine’s Day?” he asked. After all, Valentine’s would be the first major event of them no longer being together. So, did Steve have grand plans – plans to move on?

“I think that I’ll stay home. Or maybe I'll be adventurous and go to a bar.” Steve shrugged. He hadn’t thought about it much. He purposefully hadn’t thought about it. Ideally, he would like to bring his boyfriend Bucky flowers and wine and chocolate and maybe a cliché giant plush teddy bear. 

“Yeah...” Bucky couldn’t stop the image of Steve scouring a dimly lit bar for some other lonely man to spend the night with. “Morgan’s throwing a party but I don’t think I want to go. But I might. I'm not sure yet.”

Steve sighed and nodded. “You should, Buck. Go have fun.” That was loads better than staying in alone or going to a random bar. At least Bucky would be with friends. 

“Maybe,” Bucky repeated. “Although, they will probably all make me anyway - knowing my friends.”

“Your friends will make sure you have a good time.” Steve could only imagine how much they would all hate him now. To them, it would probably seem like he dumped Bucky. They would probably get the details from him and then spend the whole party bashing Steve to make Bucky feel better. Steve didn’t even blame them if that’s what they wanted to do. He had hurt Bucky by not agreeing to give this more time. But he just couldn’t put himself through that. He cared too much about how he felt  for  Bucky to just tack on an extra week or two. That would just be two more weeks of unrequited love. That wasn’t fair.

-

The next day was one of the hardest of Bucky’s adult life. He woke up to nobody but himself. He skipped breakfast like usual. He played with Tatum for five minutes before the cat decided he was done. He pulled on a big sweater and yoga pants. And then he found his way to the couch. And that’s where he stayed with the TV on and all the curtains drawn. He felt like a cave troll after a long day. 

Everything felt different without Steve. He felt icy cold. The jokes on TV seemed played out and boring. There was a weird clicking sound coming from his furnace that he was fairly certain wasn’t there before. Even his skin felt different – like it was too dry and scratchy. And his hair somehow managed to get knotted into a nest even though he brushed it before going to bed. 

It was dramatic, but Bucky felt like nothing was ever going to feel bright again. He didn’t even smile when he saw his phone light up with an incoming call from his sister. He just picked it up and said hello like he was answering a telemarketer. 

“Uncle Bucky!” It was Maxime’s happy little voice on the other end. “Mommy said I could call and talk to you and Steve. Today I learned what Valentine’s Day is! It’s for candy and hearts.”

There was a pause as Emmy waited for Bucky to answer. Bucky just sank down into the couch so he was lying in a sad heap of blankets. At the mention of Steve’s name, he began to cry. He tried to get words out to his nephew that would be positive and show that he was happy to hear from him. It didn’t work. 

“Uh, Mama, Uncle Bucky is crying,” Emmy muttered a little away from the phone. The poor baby didn’t know what to do. He handed the phone to his mom, and Bucky heard his sister tell Emmy that it would be alright. 

Rebecca didn’t waste any time. The second she was on the phone she asked, “What did Steve do?” She knew already it had to be about him. And she had talked to him too! She had talked to Steve about not hurting her brother. When Bucky didn’t answer, she added, “Talk to me, Bucky.” She didn’t want him bottling this up. She was right there with him. He wasn’t alone anymore.

“He’s gone. Yesterday,” Bucky babbled through his gasps and tears. “He said we will still be friends, but I don’t think that’s  gonna  happen.” His chest was tight and his stomach was killing him. He might have thrown up if there was anything inside him to come up.

Becca had allowed herself to think that maybe Steve would be the one for Bucky. Steve had shown that he cared about him and understood him and was enamored with him. Now, this. She felt naïve. What had she missed? She was skeptical of absolutely every man Bucky dated but she let her guard down about Steve after they had their big talk. “Did he just walk out on you?”

“No. It was... long coming.” Sure, it was always in the works because it was a limited time relationship. He couldn’t blame Steve for that. “And now it’s done...”

Bucky had looked so unbelievably happy at Christmas. He looked at Steve with so much love and trust. And Steve looked at him the same way. What had gone so wrong? That happy Bucky was gone and Becca was livid. “Do you want me to come down?” She worried about him taking care of himself – eating enough – that was hard for him on a good day. “You should ask for a new desk at work,” she added, remembering what Bucky had said about being able to see Steve from across the way.

“He quit. He doesn’t work there anymore,” Bucky mumbled back. “He’s... he’s got a few interviews.” At this point, he was just relaying information back somberly. 

“Oh, Bucky...”  _ My sweet brother, you’re too good for any stupid man in the entire world. You don’t deserve this. _  “You don’t need him. If he’s so eager to get out of your life, and doesn’t realize your value, then you don’t need him.”

“I do need him!” Bucky yelped back.  _ He's my everything. He’s all that I need. He’s my life. He made me better.  _ “I love him so much.” It was the first time he had ever said that out loud. It felt good. But also, so sad. 

Rebecca didn’t know what exactly Steve did to Bucky to make him think that he needed him this much. She was certainly on the defensive – pegging Steve as manipulative at best. “Bucky. Has he ever said that about you? That he loves you and needs you.” 

“What do you mean?” It was hard to answer that given the actual dynamic of the relationship. “I think he needs me too.”

“He’s never told you he loves you?”  _ How did boring ass Steve hide that he was manipulative as hell? Why did my brother date someone who wears khakis?  _ She was nitpicking now – nothing about Steve was satisfactory.

“...No.” But that wasn’t really the deal. It was a cuffing agreement. It was Bucky’s own damn fault for falling in love. “I guess you’re right. I don’t actually know  if  he feels the way I do.”

Maxime was still wrapped around his mom’s side, trying his best to eavesdrop, even though he wasn’t the best at it and he wasn’t sure exactly what was happening with Steve and Bucky. “Uncle Bucky knows that I love him, Mommy?” he said, loud enough that Bucky could hear too.

“I know, Emmy, I do,” Bucky said and let out a long sigh. He did wish he was with his family. He could use a hug from his dad or snuggle time with his nephew. He wanted to work a puzzle together and be with people he knew loved him. But he couldn’t do that right then. “Rebecca, I’m sorry. I need to go...” He really couldn’t keep discussing this. He was close to screaming and crying and throwing things. All he wanted was to get in the bath and drink wine.

“Bucky, you have to call me. Regularly. I need to know that you’re okay. Got it?” Becca said sternly, pulling out her motherly tone with her older brother. But, if they were both being honest, Becca had been taking care of Bucky in one way or another his whole life. She was definitely the thicker-skinned of the two and the more likely to tear someone apart for hurting her loved ones. 

“I’ll call you. I’ll call you,” Bucky promised and hung up before she could say anything more.


	18. Chapter 18

Steve spent too many days looking through pictures of Bucky. He re-read old text messages and saved all of Bucky’s selfies to his phone. There was even a video that he hadn’t realized he recorded. In it, Bucky was talking about dogs while he cleaned up the kitchen. It was intended to be a picture but Steve clicked the wrong button. Bucky smiled for the camera and waited a second before going back to wiping down the counters and talking about a German Shepherd puppy he saw at the park who kept biting his shoe.  

Steve had fallen into a constant state of moping. Bucky had been his light for about three months. Now, he was gone. And Steve had convinced himself that he was destined for a life of loneliness. No Bucky, no... anybody. 

However, by the time Valentine’s morning rolled around, Steve was all moped out. He knew he couldn’t go on like this. If he kept this up, it was likely he would shrivel into a puddle of nothing and disappear from the earth entirely. He had to do something about it – even just so he could finally move on.  

Sipping on a horrible cup of coffee, he contemplated what the worst outcome would be if he just told Bucky how he felt. What could happen? Bucky was already gone. It wasn’t like he would be able to dump him a second time. It wasn’t even a proper dump the first time. And Steve was pretty sure he was going to die if he didn’t do this. So, he had two options: die of heartbreak, or confess his feelings to Bucky and then try to move on if he didn’t feel the same.  

There wasn’t much else at hand. 

- 

Bucky had to be dragged from his apartment by his buddies. He was broken and disheveled and looked like a total mess, but he was following them anyway. He had on one of Steve’s hoodies, black yoga pants, and a grey beanie to cover his unwashed hair. With these dark colors and drooping eyes, he didn’t look like the usual princess boy he was. On top of all of it, Bucky hadn’t bothered with shaving. His face sported a healthy layer of stubble over his cheeks and jaw and chin. Occasionally, if he wasn’t doing well, he might not take care of his hair as well or he might not dress in anything but sweats. But he never stopped shaving his face. That was unheard of. 

But he still went with his friends to Morgan’s house party. It was in a brownstone that his rich boyfriend owned. Once they got there, Bucky mostly kept to himself and sipped on some wine. A few people attempted to flirt with him, sensing how pathetic and vulnerable he was feeling, but Bucky managed to stare them down with dead eyes until they gave up. 

It was a slow night for him. He wasn’t enjoying himself and all he could do was wonder what Steve was up to. Steve was probably at some bar talking up cute guys. He was going to be with someone new before the night was over. Bucky just knew it. 

- 

There were too many people milling in and out of the party. Steve couldn’t see through everyone well enough to find who he was looking for. It was just a blur of red and pink and hearts. He caught someone by the arm and quickly asked if they knew where Bucky was. They didn’t even know  _who_ Bucky was. The next person did and they gestured to a dark shadow in the hall – the only grey mass amongst the bright, romantic colors. 

“Bucky!” Steve shouted, his soul feeling renewed the moment he laid eyes on him. But he looked different. He looked so sad. Steve had done that. His princess was a walking raincloud and that was his fault. 

It felt like slow motion as Bucky turned around to face the voice that called his name. It was Steve’s voice, but there was no way he was here. But there he was – plain as day. Bucky laid eyes on him and his heart stopped.  _Oh, my god. Steve’s here. Why is Steve here? What’s going on?_  He blinked several times and looked away quickly. He shrank into himself, hoping that maybe Steve hadn’t actually seen him. 

Steve pushed through the last people standing in his way and he stopped just a few feet in front of Bucky, wanting to give him his space yet be close as possible. “I need... I need to talk to you,” he said. He wanted nothing more than to grab Bucky and pull him into a hug and tell him he was so sorry for all of this madness and for making him upset. 

Bucky did his best to hide his face as he pulled his hat down on his eyes and shrugged the hoodie collar up as a poor attempt to hide his beard. “It’s pretty quiet in the kitchen downstairs,” he muttered. 

“That’ll work.” Steve nodded and followed Bucky down the stairs to a vacant kitchen with trays of heart-shaped desserts and tea sandwiches on the counters. 

Bucky pushed a tray out of the way so he could lean up against the island in the middle in the room. “What’s up? I know I still have that book you left at my place. I’ll give it back.” 

“You can keep it,” Steve rushed out because that wasn’t important to him at all. He shook his head and locked eyes with Bucky to say, “I missed you.” 

Bucky opened his mouth like he wanted to say that he missed Steve too, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t like it was a break-up. It was a parting of ways that was always agreed upon. “If this is like a Valentine’s Day, lonely, one-night-stand, hook-up thing, Steve. I just can't do that.” 

Steve stared for a moment at Bucky’s stubble of a beard. It was so strange to see him with facial hair. And the hat covering up his messy hair was bizarre too. He looked much older – like a man on the verge of his thirties and not like the early twenty-something that Bucky always seemed to look like. This was the first time Steve was seeing him look more his age. “No, Bucky. I wouldn’t do that.” 

“Okay. Go on then,” Bucky said, trying to look nonchalant with an arm hanging loosely to his side and the other tucked under it.  

Steve still didn’t reach out for him but he did step a little closer. Bucky needed to know he was serious. “I can’t live without you,” he whispered. “I just...” 

Bucky’s eyes flitted quickly back to Steve and he searched his face for any signs that he was messing around or lying. What was he getting at here? Bucky had an idea, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up or put words in Steve’s mouth. “Can you kind of explain?”  _Fight for me, Steve. If you want me, prove it. Explain everything, Steve._  

“I didn’t want this to end. But I didn’t want to just lengthen it a few weeks because I knew I would still be losing you. Me and you - this would be temporary. And I couldn’t do that.” His words fell out in a rapid but pointed stream. This was his last chance. 

“What are you saying then, exactly?” Bucky asked. He was looking up at Steve with hopeful eyes and a gasped breath. His hands were a little shaky and his stomach was nervous. 

“I want to be with you,” Steve said simply. “I want to cuddle you. I want our fights. I want those deep conversations that are soul-baring and real. I want the holidays together. I want to dance with you. I want to hold your hand in public. I want to wake up in your tornado arms. I want all of it. I want you.” 

One important part needed to be addressed still. “For how long?” Because Bucky wanted all of that as well. He wanted Steve so much. But it meant nothing if Steve was just lonely and missed him but wasn’t looking to try this in the long-term. 

“Forever. I don’t want anyone but you,” Steve confessed easily. Talking about all this was turning out to be so much simpler than he had thought. It was all coming out and he wasn’t going to stop anything even saying, “I love you, Bucky.” 

Only a half of a second went by before Bucky blurted out a hurried, intense whisper of, “I love you, too.” The way Steve had said it left no doubt in his mind. He launched himself at Steve and flung his arms around him. Their lips met and he cursed himself for wasting a whole week without Steve.  

Relief flooded over Steve like a typhoon. He held Bucky tighter than he ever had before. “I won’t ever leave you again,” he promised between heavy, meaningful kisses. There was nothing else in the world anymore. There was just Bucky in his arms and the combined heat between them. An elephant crashing through the wall wouldn’t have been able to tear them apart. 

Bucky pulled back just enough so he could see Steve’s face as he said, “You made me think you didn’t want me at all. Why couldn’t we have done this weeks ago?” 

“I’m sorry. I'm sorry, Baby. I thought you didn’t want this. And I want you. I do. I  _need_  you, Bucky,” Steve responded with so much anxiety that Bucky wouldn’t believe him. 

“This is all I want,” Bucky said. “I asked about having more time because I wasn’t ready to let you go. And I was hoping you would fall in love with me eventually and we would just stay... together.” In retrospect, it was a pretty stupid plan and he should have just told him what he was feeling.  

“I’ve been in love with you,” Steve whispered back.  _For longer than you know._ Steve had woken up for so many weeks knowing that he loved Bucky. 

Bucky relaxed in Steve’s arms and worked to calm his racing heart. This was all new to him. He had never once felt this way about someone, and he was so grateful that it was Steve. “Christmas. I think it was when you carried me to the car after I was drunk. That’s the moment I fell in love with you. Or maybe I was in love before, but that’s when I figured it out. When you didn’t make fun of me for sharing my drunken secret about skipping work. And you helped my dad get me in the car, and I could tell you were embarrassed about having me drunk in front of my dad. You were so cute and nervous that he would get mad.” On top of all the other reasons to love him, Steve was good with his family and that was important to Bucky. 

“Well, I wanted to make sure that your dad thought I was a good boyfriend to you. I’ve never had to meet the parents before.” Steve swayed them slightly back and forth. A newfound happiness crept its way over his face and he couldn’t stop smiling down at Bucky. “Even though I called him ‘sir’ a few times, I think we got along. And I would never laugh at you for something like that. I know you, Bucky.” 

“I love you so much.”  _Oh, my god. I can say that now._ “I love you. I hate that we haven’t been doing this the whole time.” Meaning that new level of intimacy and love and joy that they both craved so much.  

“I didn’t know you loved me. Or could love me. Or would ever be able to fall in love with me,” Steve stuttered like he still couldn’t believe his luck. “I’ve... I've been in love with you for so long.” At least since early December. 

Bucky caressed his thumb over Steve’s lips before kissing him again – this time slow and methodical like they had all the time in the world. But he did want to leave this party and go be alone with Steve so he asked, “Steve, can we go home?” Not, ‘let’s go to my apartment’ but ‘let’s go  _home_ , Steve.’ Their home.  

Heading back up the stairs, Steve slipped his arm around Bucky’s middle – not in a possessive way, but just longing for closeness and wanting everyone to see that they were together and this was his baby. “Yeah. Please. I think I owe Tatum an apology,” Steve said with a little shake of his head. That grumpy kitty was probably demanding to know who made his human so sad.  

“Oh, shit...” Bucky grumbled. “I need to do damage control with my sister.” He had already cried on the phone with her about Steve being gone, and now she was suitably angry at him. She probably wouldn’t be happy about him coming back into Bucky’s life. Odds were that she would think Steve was only back because he couldn’t get anyone else to date him. 

Even Bucky’s friends eyed them as they left. They had all been there at New Year’s Eve when Steve acted shifty as fuck. And now here he was with his arm around Bucky taking him out of the party. Bucky would have to clear things up there too.  

“Fuck. Your dad isn’t coming to kill me, is he?” Steve questioned and then gave some context, “When I was talking to Rebecca at the ice rink, she said that if I ever hurt you, well, she wouldn’t kill me - because she has Maxime to take care of - but that your dad basically wouldn’t hesitate.” 

Bucky chuckled and pulled Steve in for another quick kiss to reassure him that, “She won’t send my dad to kill you.” But he also knew his family and that actually wouldn’t surprise him. He had to help hold his parents back when his sister got married at twenty-one without telling anybody. George and Winifred had almost been prepared to kill Xavier until they got to know him and realized he was quite perfect for Rebecca. “I’ll just have to call her tomorrow and explain the best I can. I’ll tell her the kill order is off.” 

“Wait, do you think she’ll let me see Emmy again?” Steve asked with big eyes. He remembered how Emmy had called him ‘Uncle Steve’ and asked why he wasn’t married to Bucky. He thought Maxime was the best little kid he had ever met and he wanted to get to talk with him and Xavier both again.  

“Yeah, Baby, of course. Don’t worry,” Bucky said, loving how much Steve cared about his family. “Even if she’s confused for a while or wary of you, she will get it eventually that you and I are good. And that whatever she thought about you was wrong. She’ll let you in our family again soon.” 

“Okay, I just, I love your family. They really made me feel at home. I know that my family would’ve made you feel at home too, if you had gotten to meet them. They would’ve loved you, Bucky.” 

Bucky smiled softly up at Steve and touched his cheek. He loved Steve and he hated that he had so much heartbreak and pain in his life. He was quiet and gentle as he whispered, “I’m your family now.” Steve’s parents were gone but never truly lost. Bucky wasn’t trying to fill the hole of them but he would be Steve’s new family for as long as he could. 

Steve squeezed Bucky close and kissed his head. “I love you,” he whispered back.  _I’ll love you until I die, Bucky, Baby._


	19. Chapter 19

They crashed through the apartment door and Bucky slammed and locked it quickly. He pulled Steve through to his room and pressed a searing kiss to his lips as he shucked Steve’s jacket off of him. It was high time they were naked and together again. 

Tatum stood up from his spot on the bed and stared at Steve with big, surprised eyes like he hadn’t expected him to return and he didn’t approve. Bucky shooed him off the bed and mumbled, “Tatum, go chew on his shoes if you’re mad.” 

“My shoes? Really, Bucky?” Steve complained as the cat scampered out into the hall, presumably to hide under the sink like normal.  

“You deserve it. He told me you wouldn’t share a cheese stick with him when you were here for the weekend,” Bucky joked. He lazily undressed for Steve and tossed his clothes haphazardly towards the closet. 

Steve looked Bucky up and down. He missed seeing his body like this. He grinned at him and pushed him softly back onto the bed. “The shove was retaliation for the shoes,” he said and started tugging at his own clothes as Bucky watched. 

“I’ll buy you new shoes,” he promised. It was just now occurring to Bucky that Steve was unemployed.  

“You wanna be my sugar daddy?” Steve asked and leaned over Bucky to kiss his chest and his tum.  

Embarrassment washed over Bucky because he focused in on the ‘sugar daddy’ part specifically. Steve had never made a comment like that before and Bucky’s brain assumed it was because of the stubbly beard he had going. He hadn’t shaved his face in days and he looked gruff and masculine in a way that was really out of place for him. “N-no, I don’t want to be your sugar daddy. But I'll help pay for you while you're not working.”  

Steve sensed that something was off and he hovered near Bucky’s face for a second. It dawned on him then that maybe the facial hair was the issue here. He had noticed it when he first saw him tonight but it didn’t stick out to him as a major problem. He was just glad to get to see him again at all. “I didn’t mean anything by my bad joke,” he apologized, getting it now. “You’re still my princess.” 

 _Oh, good. Now I embarrassed Steve by being embarrassed in the first place._ Bucky threw his arms over his face to hide himself away. “Stop staring...” he muttered, not wanting Steve to draw attention to his sadness beard and the fact that he wasn’t hyper-pretty like usual. 

Steve sighed and rested his head on Bucky’s chest. He closed his eyes so he wasn’t staring and he listened to Bucky's heart beating. “I’m just going to lay here for a bit, if that’s okay with you.”  

Bucky’s arms came down from his face slowly. “You can stay there as long as you want,” he said before adding in a quieter voice, “I don’t like myself when I look like this.” He hoped Steve understood that this simply wasn’t normal for him and he liked feeling pretty. He also worried that Steve wouldn’t like him as much if he wasn’t pretty and soft. 

“I just want you to be comfortable, Bucky,” Steve promised, eyes still closed. “What would make you feel better, Baby?” If there was a way to help, he would do it. 

“Just stay,” Bucky said. He touched Steve’s hair gently to make sure he was actually there. Why did it feel so unreal right now? “My eyes keep watering and my chest gets tight like I'm about to cry. Like, even though you’re here, my body is scared that I'll wake up and you’ll be gone. I want you so bad that I’m worried this is just a dream.” 

Steve opened his eyes and met Bucky’s gaze. “I’m here, Bucky,” he said quietly and mildly distressed because he didn’t want Bucky to feel that way. “I’m sorry. I’m not leaving. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He shifted up on the bed so he could snuggle close to Bucky. He rubbed his hand back and forth on his chest, willing his body to calm down and believe that he wasn’t going away.  

“I love you,” Bucky said between kisses. After a few minutes, he was feeling somewhat better, and he didn’t want to ruin their first Valentine’s Day by being nervous and sad. “I want to do Valentine’s things with you,” he declared and sat up in bed. “I want to do all the cliché stuff. Candlelit bubble bath, wine - dumb romance stuff, you know?” 

Steve agreed with a little nod and another kiss. “How about we start with some wine?” 

“You want to go get a bottle and glasses from the kitchen?” Bucky rubbed his hand over his cheeks and chin, feeling his beard. 

Steve knew that meant Bucky was going to shave while he was gone. “Yeah, Babe. How much time should I take?”  _How long do you need to feel like a princess again?_  

Bucky blushed, unaware he had been that obvious about it. “I just... I want it gone. I hate it.” 

“Okay. I understand why you would feel that way. I’ll be back. Take your time.” Steve slipped off the bed and down the hall. He wasn’t going to rush Bucky. He wanted him to feel good and comfortable and happy.  

Bucky loved that Steve really did understand him. Steve wasn’t being mean or rude or sassy. He just let him do what he needed to do. Bucky shaved his beard and brushed his messy hair. Then he braided it all back so it would be out of the way but still cute. He came to the living room feeling more like himself and smelling of floral body wash. “Better,” he said. 

“Hey, you.” Steve smiled up at his soft, beautiful princess Bucky. Even with the beard, he was still his pretty baby. Steve loved him regardless of if he had a little beard or not. “Wine?” 

Bucky took the glass and sat down on Steve’s lap like he lived there. “I should have - the second I knew I loved you - I should have said something. I should have said something at Christmas. The second I knew for sure, I should have stopped you and kissed you and said that I wanted you forever.” 

“It’s not your fault. It was a two-way street. I could've been brave and told you. Could’ve told you that I love every single thing about you - because I did, I do. But I was just afraid of losing the best thing that had ever happened to me.” 

Bucky whined and pulled Steve in to kiss him. “I can’t wait for the rest of my life with you. I know that sounds so dumb, but I mean it.” 

“God, Bucky...” Steve grinned and shook his head. That was all he wanted too. “I get this, I get  _us,_ I get you, forever. I get to  _keep_ the princess.” 

Bucky giggled and tugged Steve’s hair. He loved this dweeb. “Yeah, you get to keep the princess. Princess Bucky and Steve... the knight? I think?” 

“I don’t know if I'm a knight. You’re much braver than me. And more valiant.” 

“No, I’m not. You’re so brave. You’re so strong, Steve. You’ve gone through so much and you’ve lived and thrived through it.” They didn’t often talk about Steve losses, but Bucky knew it was a huge part of why Steve was Steve. “My dad always told us that bravery wasn’t something you could measure or define. It’s just in your life in the ways you handle things and make decisions. He said that it takes an amount of bravery just to get up every morning and we should be proud of ourselves for that.” 

 _How did I get this perfect baby who always knows what to say?_ “I love you so, so much.” Steve didn’t think it was possible to love someone as much as he loved Bucky. 

“I love you too,” Bucky promised. “You are brave. You’re perfect and I love you. And you’re confident and valiant and all... all of that... all of it.” He was losing his bearings a little now that the wine was getting to him.  

Steve laughed and brushed some short stray hair out of Bucky’s eyes. “Does that mean you want to be my Valentine?” Now that Bucky was naked and so close to him, he could really get a good look at him. And he looked skinnier than before. He wondered if Bucky ate at all while he was gone this past week. But he wouldn’t bring it up now. That was a topic better suited for tomorrow. 

“You’re cute,” Bucky giggled. “But you’re also dumb because, of course, I’m your valentine.” 

“My forever Valentine.” 

“You know... you wanna know something?” Bucky asked, his tipsy secrets bubbling up to the surface once again.  

“Yeah. Tell me.” Steve was far past familiar with Bucky’s confessionals nowadays. 

Bucky set his glass down on the coffee table and curled up tighter in Steve’s lap. “That day you were talking about us being friends, and you were going to be my best man at my wedding. Cause I was talking about maybe thinking of having a husband someday. And I was so mad because I was talking about you. You’re the reason I was thinking of marriage, because I wanted you.” 

What Steve got from that was, “You wanted to marry me... maybe?” Wide eyes stared at Bucky and Steve’s heart clenched. If that was true, it was a far cry from how Bucky felt when they first met.  

“Yes. Eventually. I’ve never wanted that before,” Bucky said. He touched Steve’s lips sloppily with urgent fingers. 

Steve nodded and kissed Bucky’s hand. “I can work with eventually. I’ll wait twenty years if I have to.” Hell, he would go down to the courthouse tomorrow if Bucky wanted it. He sighed contentedly and rubbed his cheek on Bucky’s. He wished he could call up his mom and tell her he had found someone to be with for the rest of his life. She would have been so happy for him. And she would have adored Bucky. 

“Better without the beard, right?” Bucky asked and kissed the side of Steve’s face. Eventually, he was going to have to get it that he wasn’t going to be able to be perfectly pretty all the time. Steve would see him somewhat scruffy, sweaty in the summer sun, or really sick with the flu or something.   

“If you like it more without the beard, then it’s better for me too. Whatever makes you happy is better,” Steve said. 

Bucky brushed Steve’s hair back and kissed his forehead. He had already forgotten what it was like to be apart from Steve for so long. All the sadness and pain from the past week was gone. “Baby, what is next on the Valentine’s Day cliché list?” 

“Not sure. Candlelit bath? Sending me out in the cold to get roses for you?” Steve would do anything for him right now.  

“Hmm, you go get roses and anything you want to eat. I have almost nothing around here to make a real dinner,” Bucky admitted. “I’ll wait here for you to get back. Then we can have a bath.” 

- 

Not long after Steve left, Bucky got a phone call from his sister. She hadn’t heard from Bucky in two days and she was getting anxious. It was Valentine’s Day and she just knew he was going to be moping around the whole time being sad about Steve. “I was fifteen minutes away from driving to you,” she said after Bucky picked up. 

“Yes, my god, drive four hours down to the city to see your brother,” Bucky sassed and tugged a blanket around himself to keep warm.  

“What’s your excuse?” she asked, not indulging his sarcasm one bit.  

“Excuse for what? For not answering your calls? I was asleep.” 

Becca scoffed. “You weren’t asleep that long.” 

“I...” Bucky was really hoping to avoid this for a bit longer. It was probably going to be a long conversation. “Steve came back.” 

“I swear to god, Jamie. We went over this,” Becca said, pulling out the nickname that she only used when she was exasperated with him. 

Bucky rolled his eyes even though she couldn’t see it. “What? It’s not what you think.” 

Becca was silent for a second. She thought Bucky was done with Steve, with this jerk who broke his heart for no good reason. “Then what is it?” 

“I need him. He’s my life. I love him and he loves me. And we are back together and it’s real this time.” Bucky didn’t want to explain the nature of their relationship before this. It would just be confusing and give Becca more doubts about the validity of it now. 

Rebecca did not like this.  _Okay, so, Steve got lonely on Valentine’s Day and said some words to ply my brother into being with him._  “You... he  _left_ you.”  

“He didn’t technically  _leave_ me,” Bucky muttered. “It was mutual.” At least, sort of. It was always in the cards like that. 

“Oh? Now it was mutual? That wasn’t what you were saying before,” Becca countered sharply. Did Bucky forget their last conversation about all of this? 

“Well, I tried to get him to stay. But it wasn’t the right way or the right time. It wasn’t right then. But now it is.” 

Becca groused in French to Xavier who was listening in. “That... no. That doesn’t work that way. You don’t have to let him do that to you.” She paused to say something else to her husband then she was back. “Either you’re being irrational because you think you need him so badly or there’s something you’re not telling me.” And, much like the rest of the Barnes’, including her brother, Becca jumped to radical conclusions pretty fast. “Is he threatening you?” 

“No! God! Rebecca, no. He’s not threatening me. He’s not holding me hostage. He’s not doing anything like that,” Bucky spit back hastily. He was getting pretty annoyed. “I don’t know how to explain it to you, but we weren’t communicating very well until now. We both wanted the same thing but we weren’t getting our words out there to get to that conclusion. You know?” 

Bucky hadn’t heard how he sounded over the phone these past few days. But Becca had been there for all of it. She likened him to a wounded animal and she couldn’t keep seeing him in so much pain. So, she didn’t understand how Bucky wasn’t getting why she was uneasy about this. “He hurt you over a misunderstanding. The underlying statement being that he  _hurt_ you, period.” 

“Okay, fine. I was hurt. But I think I hurt him too,” Bucky said. “But things happen. People fight. You and Xavier fight. Mom and Dad fight. Couples fight. But they get over it and they kiss and make up and it’s all fine again. It’s better than fine now.” 

Becca still wasn’t having this. But she didn’t want it to turn into a petty sibling argument. And she especially didn’t want to cause Bucky any more pain than he already had this last week. “You know...” she trailed off, not wanting to have to tell her grown ass brother that sex isn’t love. She sighed and added, “Call me tomorrow,” fully expecting Steve to be gone again. 

“Oh, so you’re hanging up on me now?” Bucky was a little in the mood for a petty sibling fight. Rebecca always considered herself to be the stronger one and the more confident and level-headed. She always acted like she was the older one anyway. And Bucky hated that she genuinely was all those things – stronger, braver, more confident than he was.  

“You’re being naïve.” There were certainly more instances of Becca having to piece together a broken Bucky than the other way around. In her mind, Bucky was the baby of the family because he needed more coddling, and she hit an independent streak much earlier than he did. She just thought that Bucky was slightly more fragile and she needed to protect him. 

As little kids, Bucky was the big brother who picked her up, kissed her hurt elbow, and got the Band-Aid to fix it. But that dynamic ended when Bucky hit puberty and started feeling less sure of who he was at the same time as she was becoming an ultra-power girl. “I’m being naïve? I’m being naïve? I know what I'm doing. I know what this is.” He huffed grumpily and pointed out, “Rebecca, you took a crazy risk with marrying Xavier so young and in secret. It was dangerous and reckless to us, but it turned out to be the perfect decision for you. I’ve been around the block a million times and haven't taken any real chances or let myself fall in love. But I have now, and it’s good that I've waited for Steve. He is what I need.” 

“Like I said, you’re being naïve. ‘Steve’s all I need. He’s my life.’ Do you hear yourself? Do you not remember the last week?” she countered angrily. She still felt that her family’s initial reaction to them was unwarranted and extreme. “For starters, you know better than to attach your worth to a single person. When I married Xavier, I was my own person. And I’m still my own person.” And she knew how Bucky could be with his track record of not-so-suitable suitors and their tendencies to try to change who Bucky was. 

That really cut into him because, even though she had never been one to hold back before, now she was saying that he put his own worth in other men and wasn’t his own person and that was... a lot. It hurt so much after all the work he had done to become who he was. “Oh, okay, so... you really think I'm that pathetic? You really think I'm trying to be with Steve because I can’t be alone?” It was no big secret that Bucky needed to be taken care of and frequently needed someone to lean on. But he thought that he was at least his own man, even if he was somewhat dependent.  

“I don’t think you’re pathetic. I didn’t say that. But you might want to think about what made  _you_  say that,” Becca sighed. “And you can be alone. You just... you function a little better when there’s someone looking out for you.” Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was their mom or dad, sometimes it was someone else. But, historically, the evidence would suggest she was right. “And I don’t know that Steve is a good person. He hasn’t shown me that he is. He hurt you.” Bucky was one of her absolute favorite people in the world and she couldn’t bear it when men hurt him. “Just because he knew to perform in front of our family doesn’t mean anything. It just means he’s not stupid.” 

Bucky was crying now. None of that was true. But he didn’t know how to prove her wrong. “Okay, so let’s say I have to be... taken care of, like,” he paused for a second before deliberately deciding to say, “Like some princess...” He was maybe a little worried that being with him was attractive to Steve because he needed protecting. “Why can’t it be Steve who takes care of me? Huh? Why not? And he didn’t put on some act at Christmas. He doesn’t know how to put on an act. He’s the most genuine person I've ever met. He can’t lie and he can’t keep things hidden for very long.” The heater clicked back on and Bucky shuddered with the reminder that he was too cold without Steve here. “I think I should go. I'm really cold. And if we keep talking, I think I'm going to break down and have a cigarette so, I should probably stop.” 

It was silent on Becca’s end for a minute before she finally sighed and said, “If something happens, I’ll be here to talk to you. Or you can always come up and spend time with Maxime.” She was so sure that Steve was going to fuck him over again that she wanted him to have a plan for when he did. “I love you. Just think about what I said.”  _I wouldn’t say anything out of malice, Bucky. Use your head and see my perspective and concerns._  

“Uh-huh... I love you too. Tell Emmy I love him, would you?” Bucky rubbed his eyes tiredly. As a last-ditch effort, he repeated, “Steve really is who I need.” 

“Emmy’s been asking for you all week,” Becca said. “He said he’d fight Steve if it made things all better for his Uncle Bucky. He really is a Barnes, huh?” She paused, not wanting to tell him again that she didn’t think Steve was good for him. “And I know... I know you think that he is, Bucky.” 

That just made Bucky feel worse because he loved how well Emmy and Steve got along. And now to think that he was against Steve too... It killed him. Bucky didn’t understand that Rebecca and Emmy weren’t necessarily anti-Steve, but they were just so pro-Bucky that it was hard to think about anything else. “Uh-huh. Okay. Bye Rebecca. I need to go.” His tears were coming in earnest now and he honestly couldn’t continue this conversation any longer.  

“I love you, Bucky,” she said and let him hang up.  

Not ten minutes later, Bucky’s phone rang again. This time it was his dad. “Daddy, I really can’t talk right now. I’m busy. Can I call you later or tomorrow?” he pleaded. 

“James, now is better. It won’t take too much of your time,” George answered gently. 

“Now is not better. I just got off the phone with Becca a few minutes ago and my head really hurts. I have stuff to do.” He wasn’t yet grumpy but he was borderline miffed.  

“Five minutes. That's all.” 

They were not a five-minute-family and Bucky knew it. “You get two minutes.” Maybe that would pare down a ten-minute conversation into a seven-minute one.  

George didn’t think that putting a cap on his time was really helping give the illusion that everything was okay. “I don’t think Rebecca wanted me to know about what happened yet. She called your mother just now. Actually, they might still be talking. But I got the idea of what’s going on - that Steve came back. And that Maxime is apparently trying to figure out how to make you happy again.” 

“I am happy,” Bucky said curtly. “Rebecca doesn’t know what she’s saying. She thinks I'm naïve and helpless and small. But I'm not. I know what I'm doing. I am happy.” 

“It didn’t sound like you had a happy week. I just want to hear your side of the story, Son. Hop off the defensive, Jamie. Just talk to me,” George urged him carefully. He was aware that a calmer approach could generally get more out of his son.  

“There’s nothing to the story, Dad. Really. Steve and I were broken up for a few days because of a miscommunication and then we came back together and everything is fine.” 

That didn’t quite answer his questions.  _Why didn’t you call home? Why didn’t you reach out when you were hurting?_ “Becca sounded just about ready to go down there and talk to Steve herself. I know that she can be a bit drastic sometimes, but I don’t think she would jump to that conclusion without some significant reason.” 

“If you want more of the story, it’s going to take longer. Can I please just call you tomorrow, Dad?” Bucky loved his family but, god, they were persistent. “Bottom line is that, right now, I’m fine and I'm happy and I'm safe. So, there’s no need for everyone to be so worried about me.” 

George decided that Becca’s judgment might have been premature. Because Bucky sounded relatively okay to him. But he wasn’t entirely convinced. “Is Steve there right now?” 

Bucky waited too long before finally answering, “Yes, Sir...” He only ever called his dad ‘sir’ in very specific instances – if he was in trouble or if he was trying to make himself seem more reasonable than he was. He also guessed that Becca, being who she was, probably voiced concerns to their mom about Valentine’s Day loneliness fueling Steve to want a one-night-stand with Bucky. So, Steve being at his place on this particular day probably wasn’t a good sign to them. 

And it didn’t quite put George’s mind at ease. But he wasn’t the type of man to tell either of his adult children what to do or what he thinks is best for them. “I trust your judgment, James. I do. But if he hurts you again, you have to let me know.” That could have been a threat against Steve. Bucky wasn’t sure.  

“Sure, Dad, I got it. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He hung up before his dad could say anything else. All he could think about was how everyone thought he was so fragile and needy and helpless. He still didn’t know how to show them that he wasn’t any of those things. And he definitely didn’t get that they didn’t really think he was weak, they just wanted to protect him. 

- 

Steve came back a bit later with a bag of food and two large bouquets of roses. “Hey, Baby. I’m back,” he said and set the food on the kitchen table. He glanced up at Bucky and saw him curled up in the corner of the couch crying. “What happened, Sweetheart?” he asked quickly and rested the flowers carefully on the counter. He sat down on the couch and reached out to brush the tears off Bucky’s cheeks. 

In the quietest way, Bucky held up his phone and muttered, “Damage control.” Hopefully, that was enough to explain that he talked to his family and it didn’t go that well. 

“Oh, Bucky,” Steve whispered and tugged him in close so he was cradling him tight to his chest. He didn’t know what could’ve happened that Bucky was so upset. He just hoped Bucky’s family could eventually like him again. He knew that would weigh on Bucky so much.  

Bucky pet Steve’s beard and shook his head. He would have preferred that his family just wait a damn day so it wasn’t his first Valentine’s with Steve. But now he was overthinking way too much. “Do you think I’m high maintenance?” 

“No,” Steve answered instantly, firmly. He wouldn’t ever say it like that. That wasn’t the term he would use to describe Bucky. 

“You don’t think I'm, like, incapable of being my own person?” Bucky just needed to ask – to clarify that, hopefully, someone else didn’t think that about him. “Because I know I need to be taken care of. But I just... I don’t know.” 

 _Where did this come from? What did his family say to him?_ Steve was worried. He wasn’t mad, well, because, he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be mad. “You’re your own person. You’re the most unique, beautiful person I’ve ever met.” 

Contemplative, Bucky thought through the past few years. For one, he fought, argued, and defended himself and other people, and learned how to be strong, confident, and scrappy. But, on the other hand, he hadn’t done much in the way of finding a job he really wanted or doing any type of self-advancement or improvement. But he was still him. He was still Bucky. He was his own man with passions and goals and original thoughts... Right? “I don’t really know anything anymore. You know?” 

“Do you want to talk about what happened when you talked to your family? Like, what they said?” He didn’t know how else to help. 

“I don’t know. Maybe later.” Bucky shook it off and slipped off the couch. “Show me what you got from the store.” 

Steve followed Bucky to the kitchen and handed him the red, pink, and white roses. “I might have overdone it with the flowers. They’re not as gorgeous as you, but they’re still pretty nice.” 

Bucky, still naked and now cold again, held the bouquets up and grinned at Steve. “They are so pretty. There’s vases in the cabinet above the microwave.” 

“Can I take a picture of you?” Steve asked first. He thought Bucky looked so unbelievably gorgeous like this – even with the tear streaks on his face. And he wanted to draw him. He actually wanted to draw him. He hadn’t made any art for years. But Bucky made him want to create again. Bucky gave him back the excitement he used to feel for it. 

Bucky posed for Steve and smiled brightly up at the camera. Even being with Steve for a few minutes was making him feel so much better. “Come on. Help me get these in water so we can take our bath.” 

- 

Bucky’s hands drifted up and down Steve’s body. He missed him so much. He hadn’t seen this gorgeous man in a week. “You’re so handsome. I love every bit of you - inside and out.” 

Steve blushed pink and crossed his arms to hide himself a bit. “I need to work out more.” He had been neglecting working out this past week. But also, the past month found him cuddling with Bucky in the morning more often than getting up to go to the gym. 

“Why?” Bucky asked. Did Steve think he needed to be thick and cut for Bucky to love him? That wasn’t true. He wouldn’t care if Steve stopped working out completely. 

Steve thought about all the gym selfies that he had sent Bucky and he didn’t feel as impressive now. “I’m getting a little soft.” Barely.  

“Where?” Bucky scoffed. Steve was like a rock everywhere, as far as Bucky could tell. “I want you to know that I don’t care if you work out or not. I get it if it’s something you need to do for you. But only do it for you. Don’t do it if you think I'm going to like it better. I will love you no matter what you look like or anything.” 

Steve made a whining little grunt and pulled a face. “I mean. I like doing it for me, but I want to look good for you too. You like my ass and, well, maintaining that is a time commitment.” 

“I do love your ass,” Bucky said, slipping his hand over it and squeezing lightly. “But the thing about loving someone – for more than just their ass – is that I love  _you_ , Steven Grant Rogers. Your body is only a little part of that. You know how some types of crabs get rid of their shells and pick new ones? They look different, but it’s still the same exact crab inside. Your body is just the physical shell that you live in. And I love you more than whatever your shell looks like.” 

Steve laughed softly. “You're so  _you,_ Bucky,” he said simply. 

“The crab metaphor was stupid. I know. I’m sorry,” Bucky said. “The point is, you can work out more if you want, or you can never work out again. It doesn’t matter to me, okay?” 

“It wasn’t stupid, it was sweet. And thank you.” Steve had been with some shitty people. Bucky wasn’t one of them. And Steve still couldn’t believe his luck.  

“Want me to say that I love you again? Because I will. I will say it every second of my life. And I will make out with you so hard.” Bucky kissed Steve on the lips and then the cheek. “You are going to have to deal with me hogging all the room on the bed and immediately falling asleep on you after sex for, like, all eternity, Babe.” 

Steve hummed happily and kissed Bucky again. “I will literally never get tired of you saying that you love me. I love that so much. I love  _you_ so much. I love when you fall asleep after you come. I love everything about you.” 

“Alright, give it a rest, Big Guy. We were talking about you,” Bucky chuckled gently. “I want to ask you - you really haven’t had any interviews for a new job?” 

“Not yet.”  _Wow, Rogers, make yourself seem really appealing._ “I applied for some stuff.” 

Bucky, who never let himself have a ‘dream job’ thought in his life, said, “You could probably come back. They haven’t replaced you yet.” 

“I don’t know if I would want to,” Steve answered honestly.  

It would be nice if Steve got to do whatever he wanted to do, and Bucky did want that, but he also knew he didn’t have endless funds. “Okay, well, I want to pay for you until you find something, but I don’t have too much after rent every month,” he admitted quietly. 

Steve shook his head. “I’m okay dipping into my savings. I don’t want to inconvenience you. Besides, you didn’t know this, but I’m telling you now. I had a good amount of money left to me after my parents died. It’s all mostly in a fund for my future, but I can take from it if I need to.” 

“Oh...” Bucky didn’t quite know what to say. He kind of wanted to know how much he had. But that would be a tasteless question to ask. Steve would fill him in eventually if he wanted Bucky to know. “Um, so, what did you apply for?”  

“Uh,” Steve was shy about it all of the sudden, nervous that his ideas for jobs were impractical or dumb. “Some stuff I don’t exactly have experience in.” 

“What is it that you don’t have experience in?” 

“I applied for this visual arts thing,” Steve mumbled, looking away for a moment. 

Bucky’s face lit up in a pleased smile. They had talked about this once or twice but he had never seen Steve’s art. But he believed in him so much. “You’re getting back into art?” 

“I’m thinking about it,” Steve responded, still somewhat embarrassed. It had been so long since he was in the art world. But if there was ever a time to try to dive back in, this was it. 

“I think that’s amazing. I’m really proud of you. I think you should do it, Baby.” Bucky touched his face and hair, cradling his head in his hands warmly. “If it makes you happy, I want you to do it.” Bucky kissed him and then pulled back when a great idea struck him. “Until you do get a job, you should conserve some money. You know, like, less big expenditures. Like rent.”  _Just say you want him to move in._  

Steve slowly split a grin. “However could I do that?” he asked, knowing full-well what Bucky meant. 

“There are some very nice boxes in the alley by the deli you like,” Bucky joked. “Or you could get a roommate with some of those uptown girls who want a big strong gay man to be around just in case.” 

“For the record,” Steve said. “I only like that deli because that’s where I held your hand for the first time.” He rolled onto his back and considered for a second. “Maybe I’ll just place an ad.” 

Bucky’s hands trailed over Steve’s chest and abs slowly. “I can help you write your ad. Or, I mean, you could stay here. Tatum won’t mind.” 

“Oh, god, Tatum,” Steve groused. That cat would destroy him if he moved in with Bucky. He could just imagine finding all his socks torn to shreds. “So, what are you writing in my ad?” 

“You’re really that afraid of my cat that it’s going to prevent you from moving in with me?” Bucky laughed in disbelief and swatted Steve’s arm.  

Steve shrugged. Tatum would be the step-cat that hated him because he wasn’t his real dad. “What do you think would be a good picture for the ad?”  _Maybe that snap of Bucky’s dick in your mouth, Steve, because there isn’t going to be an ad._  

“Okay, Rogers. Reign it in,” Bucky requested, kissing him some more through their collective giggles. “Are you going to move in or what?” 

Steve nodded eagerly and ran a hand down Bucky’s braid to bring him in closer. “Fuck yes, I am.” 

Bucky bit his lip. He was so happy. “I love you so much. I can’t wait. We can get your stuff this weekend? Okay?” He rolled over onto Steve and straddled him, balancing over him with a pleased smile and warm eyes. Bucky could only imagine how amazing sex was going to be now that they knew they were each in love.  

Steve pulled Bucky down to kiss him over and over. His thumb found Bucky’s nipple and Bucky whined into Steve’s mouth. “I love you,” Steve reminded him, just in case he forgot in the last two minutes. He wasted no time kissing his way lower on Bucky’s body until he could replace his thumb with his mouth. 

“Steve, fuck, my god,” Bucky moaned, noticeably more desperate this time. “Steve, shit...” His name had become synonymous with an expletive in Bucky’s mouth. “Baby, fuck me,” he demanded, cock hard and red. “Love me.” He arched his back and traced his own hands down his body to show off. 

Steve was so distracted with staring at this pretty boy to make a move. It took a second before he kicked back into gear and urgently scrambled to get the lube from the nightstand. He hated every moment his eyes weren’t glued to Bucky’s body. Even the seconds were just too much to bear. 

Bucky was already planning out the next week. He knew what he could move around in his apartment so Steve could bring his stuff in. He would have to make room in the closet for Steve’s clothes. They would need to decide which furniture would stay and which would go. A trip to the grocery store was definitely in order. And even the idea of moving Steve in was getting Bucky going. There was nothing sexier to him right now than having to forward Steve’s mail to his address.  

However, Steve was too overwhelmed by Bucky’s body on him to think of anything else. He moved them gently so Bucky was underneath him again. Lubing up his fingers, Steve whispered, “God, I love you so much,” before pushing his pointer in slow and steady. Bucky was tight. He was hot. He was soft. And Steve got to touch him again, finally. “I missed you.” 

Bucky’s breathing hitched and his eyes slid closed as he relaxed himself for Steve. “I missed you too,” he whispered and bit his lip. Once Steve had three fingers inside him, Bucky’s hand flew back to squeeze the headboard. White knuckles gripped securely as Steve fingerfucked him deep but slow, pushing up on his prostate every few thrusts. After the fourth finger, Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled his knees up to his chest and grabbed at Steve’s hand. “I'm good. I’m good now. I want your cock, please. I want your thick cock inside me, please, Steve.” 

Nodding, Steve pulled his fingers out and took a few seconds to stare at Bucky’s ass all ready for him. “I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you,” he promised and lubed up his dick thoroughly. “I love you.” 

“I love-” but Bucky couldn’t even finish. He gasped sharply when Steve pressed in and seated himself inside completely. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve instinctually. Whines and whimpers were all he could manage. He had forgotten how full he felt with Steve’s cock buried deep. 

Steve didn’t move yet. He waited and re-accustomed himself with Bucky’s ass and the welcome heat of being connected. “I love you. You’re mine. I love you.” He pressed his lips to Bucky’s and pulled out halfway to dive right back in. 

Bucky’s relief manifested in more noises, grunts, and moans than usual. For some reason, this time, he felt like he was on fire, but also not warm enough. It felt intensely familiar, but also like it was the very first time. 

Everything was heightened. Every thrust gave Steve shivers. Every kiss sent electricity up his spine. Every sound Bucky made tugged on his heart. His cockhead slipped past Bucky’s hole endlessly and just a little stronger every time. Sweat glided over his skin. His vision blurred unless he was looking into Bucky’s eyes. Nothing was like it was before.  _This is real. He’s real. This is love._ Steve got misty-eyed and big tears dropped silently off his cheeks. 

Bucky didn’t say anything about it. He brushed the tears away as they came, thumbing at Steve’s face like a windshield wiper. He felt it too - this indescribable change that had developed between them. His ass was open and needy for Steve’s cock. It filled him up then left him empty as Steve fucked in and out. And every time he was in, Bucky was floating with a pleasure of love he had never known before. But when he was out, Bucky’s soul ached with worry that he wouldn’t come back. He had never felt this entirely attached to another person before. Steve sniffled and Bucky wiped his tears again and said, “You’re the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most honorable man I have ever known.” 

“You - I love you. I love you so much. I don’t remember what it was like before I loved you.” All Steve could remember was feeling incomplete, lost. But any memory that wasn’t of Bucky faded into nothing in this moment. “You make me whole, Bucky.” 

“You’re my world now.” How was he supposed to convey that Steve was his top priority, his favorite thing? “I’m so amazed I got you back.” 

“You have me. Forever.” 

Bucky came way before Steve. He hadn’t touched himself in Steve’s absence, too sad to bother trying. And Steve was fucking him so passionately tonight. It only took a few more minutes and then he was digging his fingers into Steve’s shoulders, crying out, and shooting strong bursts of come over his stomach. 

Steve followed a good bit later, not wanting to rush and end this early. He tucked his head next to Bucky’s and held him to his chest. He came inside Bucky with a murmured, “I love you,” and a soft gasp.  

They stayed that way with Steve between his legs and Bucky bent in half. They breathed in sync, the only other sound being the cascade of rain hitting the side of the building. 

Bucky was exhausted, as usual, but he didn’t dare fall asleep yet. This was significantly different than any other time and he wanted to stay awake, dammit. He lightly pushed Steve over and off of him so he could lay haphazardly across his body. Come leaked out of him and the sweat on his back chilled in the air.  

He thought about the mistakes he made since this whole thing started – assuming Steve was into him for his femininity, sleeping with that random guy out of frustration, New Year’s, not apologizing for New Year’s, not telling him sooner that he loved him. But he also thought about the amazing things that happened – all the bouquets of flowers Steve brought him, ice skating with his family, making love while Steve spoke French, opening up to each other like they hadn’t with anyone else, falling in love. Bucky tucked his hand over his face and choked on a little sob, too emotional and affected to keep it in.  

“Baby, Baby... are you okay?” Steve asked quickly, pulling Bucky’s hand away so he could see his face.  

“Uh-huh.” Bucky furiously wiped at his eyes and willed them to stop it. “Everyone said that I was so much better off without you. Because they didn’t get that this wasn't, like, real until now. They didn't know the arrangement. And I hate that I tried to believe them. I told my sister she didn’t get it and I couldn’t live without you. But earlier tonight, I tried to believe it again because I didn’t think this was going to happen. And I hate that, for a while, I was trying to convince myself that you and I weren't meant to be.” 

Taking that all in, Steve blinked and cupped Bucky’s face in his big hands. “I don’t... I don’t believe in soulmates.” He wasn’t sure the universe would be that generous to set up two people who were bound to be together. “Or, I didn’t before you. It’s complicated. But you’re the closest thing to a soulmate. We are meant to be together. At least, now we are.” 

“Okay. No soulmates. But... something,” Bucky pleaded. “You know me. I haven’t liked the idea of one partner for my life, and I haven’t been in love before, I don’t think. But my heart feels so strongly about being with you.” 

Steve tried to better explain his position, “I feel like if I say you’re my soulmate, then the universe is going to take you away from me or something.” Just like it took everyone else from Steve. “So, you’re not my soulmate. You’re just... my Bucky, my princess.” 

“I wouldn’t let it,” Bucky declared straight away. “I wouldn’t let anything take me away from you again.” 

“I know. You’re here. It’s different. You're here again.” Steve squeezed Bucky tight. He knew this would last. They had too rocky a road that led to this. It was their turn to be happy and secure in each other. Maybe they would get married in a year or two. Then they could try for a baby. They could be a family. That’s all either of them wanted, after all. 

“I love you, Steve, my sweet, strong man,” Bucky whispered before kissing him as proof that he never wanted this to end. They belonged together. 

Steve kissed him back, only pulling away for a moment to say, “I love you, Bucky, my brave, proud baby, my love, my everything.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention: The pictures are smaller to help the flow on mobile reading. Please click the links above each picture to see the art bigger.

Chapter 1 [Bucky with Coffee](https://66.media.tumblr.com/979ee4d3a75da47c3a0244cec5789d03/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo2_540.jpg) Art by FannishLove

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Chapter 2 [Bucky Bathtub Selfie](https://66.media.tumblr.com/91aa3c55409866b075af78724a2ca1f7/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo3_r1_1280.jpg) Art by Lisa Mott

Chapter 2 [Steve Gym Selfie](https://66.media.tumblr.com/a672e50db1bfd3991c15add2cdfc593a/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo4_r1_1280.jpg) Art by Lisa Mott

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Chapter 3 [Steve/Bucky Kiss](https://66.media.tumblr.com/fee12c881d9f3a9cf2fea4a866248350/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo1_1280.jpg) Art by FannishLove

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Chapter 4 [Bucky with Flowers](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b694ecc2ab367a36653d439012807e19/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo5_r1_1280.jpg) Art by Lisa Mott

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Chapter 10 [Steve/Bucky Ice Skating](https://66.media.tumblr.com/8e86188ee59ac0a10ce69ea5be343975/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo6_r1_1280.jpg) Art by Lisa Mott

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Chapter 15 [Sad Steve Holding Bucky](https://66.media.tumblr.com/ba2dd4c3eec5f2c01d643f745d017492/tumblr_pmrxaeA3Zl1snayoeo7_r1_1280.jpg) Art by Lisa Mott


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